38 ways to annoy Dolores Umbridge
Guaranteed to get you a date with some kittens and a bottle of Veritaserum.
1. Offer her flies. Tell her there they are good with ketchup.
2. Ask her if she's related to Trevor.
3. Follow close behind her all day, making clip-clopping noses with your tongue.
4. Ask her if she's met the handsome new divination teacher.
5. Tell her that Cornelius Fudge only hired her to scare small children.
6. Dye all her clothes black.
7. …when she acts horrified, say you were only trying to help her, and that "Black is the new pink".
8. Send her love notes, signing them as if they were from Cornelius Fudge.
9. Perpetually use the word "Umbrage"
10. Remind her constantly that her "Selwyn family heirloom" contained the shreds of the most evil wizard of all times.
11. Create your own educational Decrees to contradict her's.
12. Make sure these said Decrees are identical to her's. Post them everywhere.
13. Turns all of her kittens into toads.
14. Talk in stage whispers about "army meetings," "Dumbledore" and "Harry Potter." Should she confront you, stop talking, smile, and whisper innocently.
15. Tell her you're doing a herbology project and want to know more about the plants in her natural habitat.
16. Buy her Weasleys' Wild-Fire Wizz-Bangs for Christmas.
17. Ask her if she's read the latest edition of the Quibbler. When she says no, offer her one.
18. When she's within earshot, announce loudly that Snape was a better headmaster them she was.
19. Or if you're feeling particularly daring, announce that Sir Cadogan would make a better headmaster.
20. Offer her a free membership with S.P.E.W.
21. Tell her you didn't do your homework because "progress for the sake of progress must be discouraged"
22. Ask her if she wears that mask all the time or just when she's teaching.
23. Pounder loudly wether the title "Hogwarts High Inquisitor" sounds quite as powerful as, say, "Muggle prime minister".
24. Present her with a voodoo doll with a uncanny resemblance to her, but just before giving it to her, stash it away muttering, "Oops, that one's Harry's…"
25. Buy her a pet Niffler.
26. Ask her why she didn't turn in to a beautiful princess when she received her first kiss.
27. …cut yourself of before you finish the question, look like you just realized something, then pat her arm consolingly and say, "Don't worry. Not everyone is cut out for love".
28. By her a pet toad for her birthday and say it is her dad.
29. Take off all her cat pictures in her office and smash them. Walk away.
30. Buy her a dog.
31. Call the dog, Trevor.
32. Ask her when she gives birth, does she produce Frogspawn.
33. Set her up on a play date with Grawp.
34. Set her up on a play date with the entire centaur community.
35. Say Voldemort is interested in her.
36. When she says he's dead, tell her that means that everyone is dead.
37. Tell her that Cornelius Fudge is engaged.
38. Tell her that Cornelius Fudge is dead.