Disclaimer: I do not own HP, nor any character in the series, though I really wish I did. Imagine the possibilities:D
'God, I hate the dark,' I thought as I look out the window. 'Kinda ironic, since my last name is Black.'
I sat on the window seat in the room that I shared with the other fifth year boys, unable to sleep because of the blackness of the night.
'Why does the sky have to be so dark tonight? There isn't a star in sight, not even my name's sake. I hate nights like these. I can hear the rustling of the leaves, and the creaks of the floor boards, and it all seems so much more frightening than usual, like something is going to pop out of the night and attack me.
I sigh, wrapping my arms around my raised knees, allowing my chin to rest against them.
'Nothing good has ever come from the darkness.'
I found myself thinking back to all those lonely nights I had lived through as a child, lying in my room in my dreadful family home, crying out of fear and loneliness. It was always lonely in that house, even before I had become a Gryffindor and my family had disowned me, I had always stood out.
I was always scared of what would happen when the lights were turned out. When my parents dropped the masks they wore around their friends and powerful associates, and allowed all the rage and loathing that they held for me to be release.
No, nothing good ever happened in the darkness.
Anger, pain, heartache; those are the types of things that the darkness held.
'I'd much rather have the light. Even something as small as a moonbeam would sooth the panic that is currently encasing me in its cold, harsh grip, give me at least some small comfort, as it has many nights at home, when I'd look up at it and imagine a place far away from here, away from family and obligations and betrayal.'
'Perhaps it is not so much the darkness that I fear, but what it brings, and what it stands for.'
'I still hate it though.'
I sigh again, nothing more than a whisper of a breath leaving my lips, as I close my eyes. I can hear Peter snoring rather loudly, and James muttering in his sleep about Quidditch and Lily Evans. Typical. The only bed I didn't hear a sound from was the bed I wanted to hear things from the most.
"Remus," I whisper softly.
On nights light this, when I couldn't sleep, I always found some token of amusement, as well as comfort, in the way Remus would mutter in his sleep about homework and blasted teachers, and his great prat of a group of friends.
So why was the boy so quiet now? I strain my hearing, trying to catch some type of sound that may be coming from my friend's bed, but hear nothing. My nose screws up from the effort of concentrating, I usually didn't really try all that much, and I was just about to give up and simply open my eyes, when I felt a cool hand touch my shoulder.
And though I'd later deny this to anyone that asks, at that very moment, I, Sirius Orion Black, shrieked just like a bloody girl.
"Sirius," a voice whispered harshly, sounding both exasperated and amused. "Shut the bloody hell up before you wake up the entire bloody school!"
I looked up, startled, only to see Remus standing above me, a look of exasperation written clearly across his face.
"What are you doing up at this hour, Padfoot? Is something the matter?"
I just shake my head, and continue to look at my friend, taking in his bed rumpled, light brown hair, and his drowsy, amber eyes. His sleep flushed cheeks and the soft smile that was gracing his lips.
Oh god, he is so beautiful.
I shake my head once more, harder this time, trying to rid myself of such thoughts. Remus was one of my best mates, and not to mention that he was a bloody bloke. I had no business thinking of him that way.
And yet, sometimes I just can't help it.
I was in love with my best friend, and it was bloody awful.
Because I knew he could never love me back.
This was another reason I hated the dark, because on nights like these, the temptation to crawl into bed with Remus and snuggle close, to wrap my arms around the smaller boy and hold him against me, taking in his smell and possibly even his taste…
The temptation to do all of those things, and so much more, was almost too much to bare.
I clench my hands into fists, fighting the urge to reach up and touch Remus' slightly scarred face, to take it into my hands and turn it just so, so that my lips touched his…
No, I would not do this. I wouldn't. I wasn't going to jeopardize our friendship just because of some silly little thing like love. He meant too much for me. There was no way I'd risk losing him.
Even if being this close to him, and not being able to touch him as I wish I could, was tearing my heart to shreds.
Why did I have to fall in love with him? Of all people?
I don't despise my feelings because of the fact that he's a werewolf, with a scar littered body and eyes that were often filled with pain. I loved him all the more for it, not in spite of it. And I found myself often wanting nothing more than to see him smile, than to hear him laugh and watch as his eyes light up, just to see him happy.
I don't even despise being in love with him because he's a bloke. That doesn't really matter to me. It certainly doesn't disgust me. Remus is the most attractive, beautiful, sexy individual on the planet, in my eyes at least.
No, I hate loving him because I couldn't have him, because he'd never want to be with me.
I was just his friend.
Since when had the word become a curse, the worst type of blasmary, every time it crossed my mind?
Why could I never be content with what I had?
'God, I hate the darkness,' I thought again.
I hated it, because I was the darkness, apart of it that sometimes seemed to take over my very soul. I wanted nothing more than for Remus to fill my life with light, to chase away the shadows that always seemed to loom over me. He was everything the light stood for. Warmth and heat, beauty and innocence, forgiveness and a second chance. He was kindness and sweetness, love and wholeness, all mixed up in one.
Remus was all things good in this cruel world, and I couldn't help but want him.
How could I ever have had a chance to stop myself? It was never a choice. It was my destiny. Something that was forced upon me even as it was given as a blessing.
God, I love him.
And I hate myself for wanting something so pure.
I hate the darkness.
"Sirius," Remus murmured again, placing his hand on my cheek, turning me to face him. He looked me in the eye, searching, searching for something, trying to figure out what was wrong.
'Don't touch me,' my heart screamed, even as it rejoiced in it. 'Please, please don't touch me, because all I'll ever want is more.'
I sigh, avoiding my friend's eyes. "Nothing's wrong," I murmur, standing up slowly, stretching out my body. "Nothing's wrong," I say again, more firmly now, forcing a smile to play on my lips. "I just couldn't sleep, decided to get some fresh air is all. Sorry if I woke you Moony."
Remus continued to look at me, brows puckered in concern, before he touched my cheek once more. "Siri…"
"Nothing's wrong Remus," I say, sharper than I intended. I can see the hurt flash through his eyes, and I curse myself for causing him pain. "I'm fine," I whisper, softly now. "I'm going back to bed."
And so I leave Remus standing there, alone in the darkness I myself so despise, as I crawl into my bed. I close the hangings around me, and cry because I've hurt the brightest light in my life.
And as I cry softly, I can never know that Remus cries too, because he wants the same thing I do.
A light to chase away the darkness.
How was I suppose to know that he loves me too?
A/N: Well there you have it. Tell me what you guys think. I may do a follow up chapter on this, but I don't know yet. Let me know if you think I should, and possibly what I should add to it?
Thanks a bunch for reading. Hope you enjoyed. Please review:D