A/N: Hey, anyone that may be reading this and waiting for an update. Sorry it took me so long. Just been a lot of drama going on with my best friend (Flippin Idiot) and an essay for APUS. I didn't want to release my frustrations out into the story.
Well, on that note, I hope you enjoy.
Disclaimer: I do not own the HP series or any of the characters in it. That does not mean I do not use them to do my bidding, but I am not paid for doing so.
Darkness: Chapter 2(The happy ending, I think…)
I wake up late the next morning, body stiff and face tight because of the tears I cried well into the night. I don't want to get up at first. I'm so tired, and I briefly wonder why.
Then I remember. Staying up late because of the darkness, having Remus scare me when he sneaks up on me, then hurting him as I practically throw his kindness back into his face.
I groan as I bury my face in my pillow, cursing myself silently and wondering vaguely if it's possible to smother myself this way. It may be better that way.
Oh, I know that Remus will forgive me. I'm not worried about waking up to awkward conversations and pain filled glances thrown my way. I know that we'll go and pretend that nothing ever happened, and that everything was ok between us, that I didn't hurt him, and that he didn't wake up to find me sitting in a cloud of my own depression.
I should be relieved, but I can't be. Not when I know that nothing will change. It always happens this way. It's like a never ending pattern between us, of hurt and deception and friendship.
I'm tired of it.
Yes, I know that I should appreciate the fact that he is my friend, one of my best friends, since he doesn't allow many the privilege of getting close to him. I know I should be honored that he trusts me with his secrets and that he offers me comfort even when he hardly accepts it himself.
I am appreciative, and honored, and oh so glad that I have the chance to know him.
It's just that, having known him as I do, I've come to love him as well.
Friendship isn't enough anymore.
Not when I want to hold him and kiss him and simply tell him that I love him.
I can't stand having to hide these feelings from him, having to bury them inside of me, locking them in a dark, lonely room.
The darkness is very cruel.
I sigh, forcing myself to roll out of bed.
Remus is the first thing I see.
He has just rolled out of bed himself, it seems, looking deliciously rumpled and drowsy. He looks over at me and smiles shyly, so forgiving, and I can't help but smile back.
God, I love him so much.
I can feel the words on the edge of my tongue. They're ready to burst out from my lungs, so eager to escape the dark confines of my mouth, but I hold them in. I can't tell him.
He'll hate me. Be disgusted by me. I can't let that happen.
As much as I love him, and as much as it tortures me to only be his friend, I'd rather have that then the hate and disgust that would surely come if I told him my true feelings.
I sigh again and went to take a shower.
The week has past by rather quickly, and I find myself awake late into the night once more, silently loathing the dark.
Or maybe not so silently, considering the fact that I'm sitting here cursing and muttering.
I've tried to conquer my fear over the darkness, tried to get over it and act like a true Gryffindor.
I was supposed to be brave.
I sit on the window seat, in the same position I had a week before, legs drawn up, arms wrapped around them, as I look out into the darkness.
And this time I hear Remus as he shuffles out of bed.
I look up at him, watch as he silently makes his way over to me, sighing gently as he sits beside me. He sits there for a moment, silently looking at me, before he reaches out to me, fingers barely grazing my cheek before I flinch away.
No, no, don't touch me, please. I can't stand it, knowing it means nothing to you…
"Padfoot," Remus whispers, looking sad. "Why do you always pull away from me? Why wont you let me touch you, comfort you like you use to? Do I disgust you now? Why won't you let me in?"
I shake my head, my dark hair smacking me in the cheek as it flies around my face, before I look at him, just look at him.
"I don't want the darkness to touch you."
"What are you talking about Sirius? The darkness? It's out there, it can't just jump in and get us. It can't hurt us, not really, not unless we give it the power to. Do you mean my lycanthropy? Do you not want it to touch me? Sirius, you can't stop that. I've been bitten, so I'll have to deal with it every full moon. You know that. Is it because you don't want it touching you? You should know that I'd never bite you. You know this, right? I could never… that's why I've asked you to stay away. Are you afraid now? Do you no longer want to be my friend?"
I shake my head, smiling at Remus gently. How can I not, when he turns my concern for him into concern for me.
God, I love him.
"Shut up Moony. I've told you a millions bloody times, I'm not scared of you. I know you'll never hurt me. And I'll never not want to be your friend." There are just times I am overwhelmed with the desire to be more than that.
"Then what was all that you were saying about the darkness, and not letting me touch you, be close to you, because you don't want it touching me? Siri, Padfoot, I want to help you. I don't want you to feel any pain."
"Moony," I murmur, almost overwhelmed with the desire to touch him, to told him close and smother him with kisses. No, I can't. He'll hate me. He'll be disgusted with me and never again want to be near me. I can't.
"You should go to bed," I say, rather than to say all those things I want to say. I love you, I adore you, I'd do anything for you, if you only let me.
Remus growls, a soft sound deep in his throat, before he pushes me up against the wall. "No, Padfoot. You are not going to push me away this time. You are not going to send me off to bed like a good little boy, while you go off and cry until you exhaust yourself."
Upon my shocked look, he chuckles darkly, looking me in the eye. "Yes, I hear you cry, and mutter about hating the dark. God, Pads. It breaks my heart, hearing you sobbing in the middle of the night, praying for the daylight. Bloody hell, why wont you let me in? Why wont you let me help you? I don't want to see you hurt," he whispers, laying his hand against my cheek.
I don't pull away this time. I don't have the energy to. Not now. All I want is to have him touch me, to dry my tears and to light up my life.
Fucking Godric, I sound like a bloody pouf, so sappy and all.
But then again, if I'm in love Remus, doesn't that make me one?
I sigh, getting back to the matter at hand, looking at the boy in front of me, brown hair ruffled, amber eyes glistening. God, he's so beautiful.
"Rem, I just…"
And before I can say something stupid, or do something that will hurt him and completely destroy me, he's kissing me.
And it's the sweetest, most perfect kiss I've ever been given.
Not because the kiss it's self is wonderful. Our lips are chapped, and our teeth clash together in our eagerness. As passion takes over, it's too wet, and there's far too much tongue, not to mention the fact that our noses don't seem to want to stay out of the way.
No, the kiss itself is not perfect, but I can't help but think it is, because Remus is kissing me, and bloody hell, I'm kissing him back, and we're wrapped around each other like only lovers can be.
There's a brief moment in which my mind asks me What the bloody hell I'm doing, before it completely shuts down, and I'm holding Remus against me, whispering that I love him, that I adore him and that I want him, that I fucking need him.
Remus silently pulls away.
I panic at first, thinking that even while he kissed me, I may have gone too far by revealing my feelings, that he doesn't feel the same, that he was only kissing me to shut me the hell up, and that I had just ruined everything. But then I see the smile on his face, and he's gently cupping my cheek, nuzzling his nose softly against my skin as he speaks.
"I'd like to be the light in your life, Siri, if you'd let me. I'd light to chase away the darkness, and to make you forget about your fears, if that's what you want to. Please? I love you."
"It's not what I want," I whisper.
He pulls away, looking hurt, rejected.
I grab him and kiss him, ignoring his surprised squeak.
"It's what I fucking need Moony. You're all I need.
He smiles up at me, cheeks pink and lips moist, and I can't help but smile back, holding him close.
Maybe the darkness isn't so bad.
So long as I have Remus with me, I can face anything.
A/N: Please review:D it really helps me feel better about myself.
Thanks for reading.