A/N: ...I still have other things I need to work on. It's just really nice to do something light and stupid and...conclusive. You know when you have a chapter fic and you finish a chapter and then you go, "crap, now I need to write the NEXT one"? It's nice to just...write what you want and then be done. Not that I don't like my chapter fic, I'm really excited about getting it done, it's just coming slowly. So instead I wrote a sequel-ish-thing to the crackfic I wrote with my sister. It's more like another installment in an AU series. I like this AU, so I might do some other things with it at some point.
The story this spawned from is here: fanfiction . net/s/5479962/1/Little_Waifus_Take_Over_the_World_except_NOT
WARNING: Crack, OOC-ness, implied LxRaito and SuzakuxLelouch...and much failage.
Disclaimer: I don't know why I would ever claim to own Death Note or Code Geass. Really, I don't.
A Normal Sunday in the Life of a(n Evil) Waifu
Sundays are sacred things.
Various businesses close in recognition of Sundays. People are kinder on Sundays. Meals are always more extravagant and appetizing on Sundays. Relatives are always more bearable on Sundays.
Sundays basically mark the end of freedom, the start of a new, glorious week of slave labor at the hands of someone with a better position in the world than you, and so they must be savored completely. Petty things like wars, national crises, and the national post are put down in favor of a single day of peace. It's a bittersweet delicacy, and the twenty-four hours that can take lifetimes to pass on any normal day tend to take on lightning speed when it's a Sunday.
That was why even something as important as taking over the world could be put down for a Sunday.
The two boys were seated in a cozy corner of the coffee shop, one with the oversized and overstuffed armchairs that appeared to come right out of one's grandmother's house. Smooth music from a band no one had heard of or cared about played in the background.
Each held a black coffee with a dollop of milk perfectly centered in the middle for a brilliant effect and contrast. As simple as their tastes were, the drink had an obscenely long, complicated, and delectably snobbish sounding name that rolled expertly off their experienced tongues and might have been mistaken for a seductive phrase in another language…if they didn't look so caffeine deprived, of course. It was the kind of name that caused the barista to announce their finished orders with a bland, "Here's your coffee," after failing with it a few times. They could still be a little evil on Sundays, of course.
One was Raito and the other Lelouch, both young and handsome boys with amazing potential and intelligence. Potential and intelligence were particularly dangerous, because often times they led to boredom, which led to questioning the moral standing of all human beings.
Eventually that led to a burning desire to take over the world.
But not today. Today was Sunday and therefore their break from the trying struggle against their lovers and the world. Usually a casual meeting at a coffee shop on Sunday would be looked at as completely innocent.
But that didn't explain why they had secretly set it up with coded messages via texting.
Nor did it explain why they had to sneak away from their boyfriends and change store locations every so often (there were another two of the same coffee shop in the same shopping center).
"Did you bring it?" Raito asked Lelouch in a hushed tone. Both glanced around to make sure no one was paying them any attention.
Lelouch smirked and gave a confident, cocky nod. They had been planning this for a while now, and they could finally go through with it…no snags, no trouble, just a smooth execution of a plan. For once. Everything was going to go so perfectly now. Everything had been calculated and recalculated until it had been impossible to keep their eyes from rolling around in their skulls.
It was a secret so great that it had to be shared from the comfort of the coffee shop on a lazy Sunday.
Lelouch slowly pulled out a box from the bag he had brought with him. It was a perfect cube and had no label, just a solid black box made to look completely inconspicuous and innocent. In fact it had something very potent hidden inside of it…something they were all too excited to use.
The box was slowly opened, displaying the contents for Raito to see. The maniacal teen gasped as his eyes widened, his coffee nearly dropped at the sight. He managed to save it effortlessly with the utmost grace, then set it down so he could ogle the box further. There was a sense of utter giddiness and excitement evident on his face and he had to bite his lower lip to keep from breaking out in evil laughter. That would completely give them away.
"It's perfect!" Raito breathed after he had regained his composure.
"My thoughts exactly!" Lelouch proudly responded, his usual lazy and innocent schoolboy expression having fallen away in favor of one more befitting of a highly sought after terrorist.
Raito reached over, fingers hovering just above the beautiful sight.
"Careful," Lelouch warned him, although he was sure it was unnecessary. Raito nodded and, trembling, lowered a finger to stroke its surface.
"I have my methods," Lelouch chuckled.
"Will you be able to get enough?" Raito's brow furrowed a little in concern. It looked so amazing…the possibility that they might run out loomed over him, instilling a sense of dread where there had been such triumph.
"Don't worry, I made all the necessary calculations. There should be plenty."
Relief rushed through Raito and he settled back into a smile. They worked so perfectly together when it came to things like this…together they had managed to create, perfect, and mass produce something so extraordinary. Alone neither of them would have done it with such speed and perfection.
Their laughs started out soft and almost normal, but despite themselves it grew in volume and evilness until they were combining their psychotic laughter into a chorus of foreboding doom. The barista whimpered and chose that time to take out the trash.
The door to the coffee shop immediately swung open and in walked Suzaku and L.
"We'd recognize that laughter anywhere!" exclaimed Suzaku. "What have you two been doing?"
"Disappearing so suddenly is rather suspicious."
Lelouch had quickly shut the box and tried to make it seem very normal to walk around with square black boxes when drinking coffee.
"We were just having some coffee together," Raito hurriedly explained in hopes of keeping their attention off the box. "We were discussing philosophical matters—"
Both of them froze. Their genius minds rapidly searched through countless excuses.
"Treats," Lelouch blurted out. "Things from the coffee shop…we asked for them to go."
"You two don't really eat pastries and things though…" Suzaku mused, though he eyed the box with a fair amount of interest.
"We like them once in a while. We were going to enjoy them on our way home together…" Raito added in. Unfortunately that excuse, while perhaps viable considering the situation, would definitely get their attention.
"Allow me to take a look then," L said as he started to move forward.
"No, you'll take the—"
As Lelouch held up the box to try and protect it, Suzaku easily swiped it out of his hands. Lelouch and Raito looked on in horror as L and Suzaku opened the box and stared at its contents.
"…Shampoo?" Suzaku asked in confusion.
Inside the box was the fruit of Lelouch and Raito's labor. Always conscious of their hair and the unsatisfactory quality of the products available, they had combined their efforts to find a formula with the most desirable effects. Now they had enough to use on themselves regularly for the most luxurious and perfect hair imaginable, and they had been debating on selling it for some pocket money. Extra funds were always helpful in taking over the world, it had just been a matter of mass production capabilities.
It seemed like they might have been able to, so they had designed the container and now Lelouch had received the prototype…a sleek looking bottle with sexy curves, metallic coloring, and the perfect shape for enhanced grip and dispensing. It was a work of art, an androgynous shampoo that performed the role of conditioner as well.
The smell was also fabulous, of course.
L had lifted it from the box with his odd grip and was turning it this way and that for both he and Suzaku to study.
"Why were you exchanging hair products?" L asked flatly.
Suzaku took the container from him and popped it open.
"Wow, this stuff smells good! I don't think I've seen this brand before…how did you get it?"
Lelouch hid his face in his hands and groaned. Raito looked at him sympathetically, then decided there wasn't any sense in farfetched excuses for this one.
"We made it. The quality of the shampoo available is underwhelming…"
L looked at him incredulously. Suzaku looked surprised and then fairly excited.
"Really? Lulu, you made this?" He sounded like he thought that was amazing and adorable, which caused Lelouch to groan again.
"Would it not have been easier to perform this business from one of your homes?"
The look Raito sent L, the "shut up because you wouldn't understand" look, was a good enough response for him.
In the end their master plan to mass produce amazing shampoo was uncovered and they needed to decide the best course of action. L and Suzaku already understood that there was more than one way to take over the world…and if their spouses couldn't manage it through crimes and achieving God-like status through the judgment of human beings, then they would try to obtain it through an obscene domination of the beauty products industry.