Disclaimer: The Saw franchise does NOT belong to me, neither do any of its affiliates or characters, no matter how much I wish they did.
This was NOT written by me. I claim to be the fountain-head of the idea, but this is written by my best friend, who doesn't have an account on here.
Quote of the Day:
"My life is a sippy-cup of despair!"
"Is that it?"
"I guess so."
"Where's my iPod?" Amanda demanded, emerging from the pile of luggage in the back of the spacious Four Wheel Drive.
Juliet Autumn looked up from the checklist she was studying.
"Amanda, no iPods. Remember John had a big blow up. "Ra-ra-ra cherish your life, ra-ra, iPods are distasteful…"" after a dramatic pause from the short brunette, the two chimed in together, "to me!"
Amanda went back to brooding while leaning on the car, her thin frame slumped into a forlorn C.
John glided out of the house with his bags and dumped them in the boot, staring at Juliet intensely. She visibly shrank back from his stare. Clearing her throat, her dark eyes flickered between the list and John.
"Y-yes, John?" she mumbled while scribbling her pen nervously. Usually she was quite forthright with him, but no one could stand up to The Stare. No one.
"Give it to me. Now," he ordered in his usual breathy tone.
Faltering only slightly, she took a deep breath.
"I don't know what you mean."
"Your iPod, give it to me."
"I'm not above putting you in a trap."
"Who else will make brownies for you and clean the warehouse?"
"Unless you give it to me now, no Cable for a month. Make your choice."
Juliet suddenly dropped the clipboard and pressed the small red device into his pale hands.
"Please don't take away my Cable! Not the Sci-Fi channel!"
As she scampered off, John couldn't help but smirk and mentally hi-five himself. He still had it.
His smirk was somewhat ruined as he heard many spirited "Whoop, whoop!" noises quickly approaching from behind him.
His small, redheaded apprentice slung an arm around him and beamed at the loaded car.
"This is gonna be a blast!" Genevieve Bateman tightened her one arm hug on him. Sure he was a psycho, but he was a cool guy in her eyes.
"Excessive public displays of affection are distasteful…"
"To me," she cut him off with a roll of her eyes. She bounced off to throw her things in the car and find Juliet.
John went to recline in the driver's seat, knowing that Amanda was by his side, quiet, observant and creepy as ever and that the chaos that was his life was momentarily being directed at the other male in this insane excuse for a family.
"Move!" Juliet demanded, poking the large male in his side.
"Oomph…" Hoffman mumbled into the pillow.
"I told you he wouldn't be awake, Gen," Juliet sighed triumphantly, holding out her hand to accept the winnings of the bet from her friend.
"Maybe we should get a glass of cold water?" Gen suggested.
"Nah… he has that peaceful sleeping look. It's so… comfortable looking."
"So, I really, really want to ruin it!" Juliet cackled, playing with the end of a long dark curl.
Making eye contact with each other, the girls instantly split up to gather the ingredients for their "Wakeup Call."
Juliet came back with a life sized male model dummy (complete with thick blonde hair) they used to test traps, some clothes and underwear leftover from various victims and an empty bottle of vodka. Gen returned with some burnt out candles, a pack of condoms and a bottle of chocolate sauce.
They had to forcibly hold back the cackles as they spread the clothes around the small, dimly lit room, placed the vodka bottle and chocolate sauce within arms reach of Hoffman, smeared chocolate sauce lightly around his mouth and on his bare back, put the dummy in bed next to him under the covers and stuck the candles at strategic points around the room.
The final move was to rip open the condoms and scatter them everywhere by the handful, pull up a chair each and watch the chaos ensue.
Clearing their throats loudly and in sync, the young women began their conversation at double the normal volume.
"So Gen! Who would've thought, Mark is bent, aye?" Juliet semi-shouted.
"Amazing! He seemed so straight. But then again, I guess vodka shots will do that to you!"
There was a double smirk of satisfaction as Hoffman twitched in his bed.
"God, I've never seen two men kiss so hard in my life!"
"It was so intense! Imagine what the sex must've been like!"
Very slowly,he turned and faced the girls, his look of disbelief priceless and smeared with chocolate sauce.
From outside, John heard the terrified bellow of Hoffman and rolled his eyes.
Those two did know how to put on a good scene.
"How did I… What di… I… And the… Chocolate sauce?! Candles?!"
He gathered the sheets against his body and seemed to honestly be tearing up when he saw the white rubber limb sticking out.
He turned to them, his disbelief melting into rage.
The girls dropped their grins and recognized their cues to run.
Sprinting down the hall, Juliet turned and grinned at her tall, half-naked pursuer.
"Hurry up and pack, would you! We leave in five!" she shouted before leaping out the window and continuing her escape.
In the dull reflection of the large windows of Gideon Meatpacking, the three girls could be seen making the final adjustments on their outfits.
Amanda was, as always, adding more eyeliner and running her thin fingers through her dark fringe.
Gen was turning this way and that, adjusting her black leather pants to best suit her butt.
And Juliet was tying the laces on her big black combat boots and adjusting her boobs in her black bustier top at the same time.
Hoffman and John simply stared at them with widened eyes.
"Why do they… what are they doing?"
"Don't try to understand it," John whispered. "Take it from an ex-married man. We will never understand why they do this. Ever. Cherish the simplicity of being male, Mark."
"You've obviously never woken up thinking you were gay."
"The 70s were a confusing time for everyone, Mark."
"Nothing," John said sharply, walking quickly back to the car.
Hoffman, feeling thoroughly violated and wanting neither to join John in the car nor watch the girls primp and preen any longer, faked the need for a bathroom trip.
He announced his leave to no one in particular and toddled away from the scene with haste.
Upon returning to the car he was greeted with yet another disturbing scene.
The two front seats were filled with John and Amanda, so the only seats left were with…
"Join us!" Gen said in a deep and terrifying horror movie voice from the back seat.
Sure, the girls were geniuses when it came to devising traps and the like but Dear God did they annoy the crap out of him at times.
They beckoned for him to sit on the far left, meaning he was directly adjacent to Juliet and… in the sun for most of the trip.
He clambered in and and slammed the door shut, regretting his decision to come along more every second.
Now, Gen and Jules weren't big girls. On the contrary they were quite short and not big in build, but they had an amazing talent for taking up as much room as possible.
Not five minutes into the trip, she had kicked off her boots, put her head in Gen's lap, her arm in the arm rest for the front seats and one of her legs thrown over Hoffman's body. Her cream coloured calf kept smacking him in the forehead whenever John braked suddenly which was quite often.
Driving, it seemed, was not his strong point. He took turns too wide, prompting lewd gestures from other drivers, braked like an epileptic five-year-old and worst of all, had accidentally set the radio channel to 92.3.
The Bible channel.
"Jesus is the food on your table. Jesus is the money in your wallet. Jesus is the fuel in your tank. Jesus is the bullet in your gun. Jesus is the water in your well…"
On and on it went, and suddenly the two girls and Hoffman had a common enemy.
Hoffman, feigning annoyance at the girls, rattled around in the bags while secretly looking for a mixed CD.
Once he had the shiny, circular audio lifeboat, Gen shouted, lurched forward and pointed to the left.
While Amanda and John snapped their heads to the side, Jules slipped underneath Gen and slipped the CD into the player and mashed "Play".
It's My Life; Bon Jovi replaced the redneck monotone and the three of them settled back, satisfied with their work.
Sharing a secret hi-five with them he thought that perhaps this trip wouldn't be too bad after all.
How wrong he was.
Definitely more to come, but don't expect HUGE chapters. I had to break it down into chapters from one whole big big of text originally so... *sticks out tongue* Reviews much appreciated!! x]