Do Know Harm Chapter 3

"My head is killing me!" The Doctor complained. "The last time I felt this bad I spontaneously regenerated."

"Maybe this will teach you to go poking in strange blonde's heads without permission then." Rose snorted, making the Doctor wince.

"What hit me?" he asked, ignoring Rose's shrill voice for the moment.

"Xander did." Jack smirked.


"It's short for Alexander, the protector of man," Jack explained.

"I think protector of woman fits it better." The Doctor groaned. "Come to think of it, I know at least three languages where Xander translates that way. Why exactly did the protector of woman attack me anyway?"

"You tried to scan his friend's mind without permission," Rose said flatly.

"Me? That doesn't sound like the sort of thing I'd do," The Doctor replied, shocked.

Rose leaned forward and hit a couple of switches, making a rather large viewscreen appear on the wall.

"You have a viewer on the Tardis?" Jack asked surprised. "Does it get sports? 'Cause the mixed doubles kama sutra competition was just heating up when I left my time."

Rose rolled her eyes and flipped a switch.

* * *

Xander, Jack and Harmony made their way into the library amidst much laughter as Jack recounted some of his adventures with the Doctor. "And the Doctor turned to her and said, 'I said Time Lord but I'm pretty sure it's going for about three creds a gram right now.'"

Xander and Harmony broke up into gales of laughter, not noticing Giles and Jana who had been in the middle of a scorching kiss.

"Xander..." Giles said with a hint of Ripper poking out from his British Librarian facade.

"Why hello..." Jack said with a grin as his eyes rolled up and down both Giles and Jana's form.

"Not now, Jack," Harmony said, relishing the chance to say one of her favorite lines.

Jack blinked in surprise then grinned remembering what Harmony had told him earlier about his world.

"Lost dimensional traveler, needs to call for a ride home," Xander explained quickly, happy to see that Giles and Ms. Calendar had made up.

"I'm going to need a bit more than that," Giles said, suddenly all business as he stepped forward to talk to Xander.

Jana chuckled, not all that upset at the interruption as she hadn't planned on seducing Giles that night (Though he'd come damn close to seducing her), while she still had a lot of work to do on the ensouling spell.

"He's from a reality so far away from ours that the only contact between them is generally in dreams. His friend uses science so advanced it might as well be magic, and they were travelling outside of their reality when something went wrong and he was chucked out here."

"And what does he need from us?" Giles asked cautiously.

"Nothing," Xander replied easily. "He just needs to send out a signal through a dimensional weak point so his friend can come pick him up."

"A ritual or something similar?" Giles asked suspiciously.

"None, no magic whatsoever," Xander swore.

"That's simple enough then," Giles allowed, happy that he wouldn't have to deal with another plot to open the hellmouth.

The two turned towards the others to find the three discussing something in great detail, with Jack quite a few hand gestures as Jenny scribbled down notes.

Jack broke off from the two and smiled cheerfully at Giles. "So, where is the dimensional weak point? All I need to do is get within a quarter of a kilometer of it and I can signal for The Doc to pick me up."

"Really?" Giles asked, feeling much better about things, as any attempt to open the hellmouth required standing almost directly over it. "You're in range now then."

Jack pulled a pen shaped device out of his pocket.

"Is that …?" Harmony trailed off, wide eyed.

"No, the Doc makes those himself, so he really hates lending them out. This is my creation, a sonic pen! It has almost all of the commonly used features from the sonic screwdriver and a few that it doesn't, as well as a security feature that shocks anyone who tries to use it who's not keyed in," Jack said proudly. "Plus it annoys the hell out of him that it's just as useful in most situations."

Everyone looked closely at the device in his hand and with the exception of the tiny drops of blue light that you could see running along the surface, if you looked close enough, it looked like a normal pen.

"How do you work it?" Xander asked curiously.

"Click it like a normal pen, all the rest is done with a telepathic interface so you don't even need bioware to use it. The Doc's screwdriver is far too advanced to contain a system smaller than a car that would allow it to work the same way; it has way too many functions, and about the only way that this beats his work, much to his annoyance."

Harmony and Xander grinned, knowing he'd used that fact to bug The Doctor when he was getting too serious.

Jack clicked the sonic pen and it pulsed yellow for a moment before switching back to its normal, unnoticeable, blue light setting.

"Done! Rose and The Doc should appear here with the Tardis and I'll be gone before you can say … something really long," Jack said cheerfully, not knowing any expression they would recognize.

"The Doctor?!" Giles half shouted, half yelped – suddenly putting things together, shortly before the sound of somebody doing serious damage to their transmission came from midair and an old fashioned blue British police box appeared.

Jenny watched as the box opened, giving her a glimpse of a much larger interior than was physically possible, as a blonde woman and a dark haired man exited.

Xander, Jack, and Giles circled the booth, just in time to see the two exit it.

"Jack?!" The Doctor called out, just before getting blindsided by a big hug and a kiss from Jack.

The Doctor rolled his eyes after Jack was done. "We're not that close, Jack," he said drolly, but with a degree of amusement in his eyes.

"True, but if I'd have done that to Rose you'd have gotten upset with me," Jack said pouting.

Rose gave the Doctor a kiss on the cheek. "Thanks for taking the bullet for me," she teased. The Doctor blushed a little, despite his best efforts to suppress it while Jack hugged Rose.

"Pardon me," Giles said politely, being a fan of Doctor Who and knowing what he was capable of, which gave him hope that the Doctor could help him. "I was wondering if you could close the dimensional rift we're sitting on top of."

"Rift?" The Doctor asked, whipping out a sonic screwdriver and fiddling with it while he homed in on the center of the library under which the hellmouth resided.

"It is what we call a hellmouth." Giles explained. "We have several and none of them lead anywhere you'd want to go. In fact, the visitors that come through them consider humans a combination of chew toy and food supply."

The Doctor nodded as he muttered something about dimensional sheer and output power before sighing. "I wish I could help, but we'd need at least three Time Lords to close this right and I'm afraid I'm the last one."

"You could grab the Master and your daughter Jenny," Harmony suggested, causing the Doctor to almost drop his sonic screwdriver, as he whirled around and advanced on Harmony, his eyes warring between anger and hope.

"What do you know?" The Doctor demanded, causing Xander to step protectively toward Harmony, who looked unconcerned.

"I have no daughter and the Master is dead," The Doctor said flatly, searching for a trace of hope in Harmony's eyes that he was wrong.

"The Time Lords artificially limited their regenerations to twelve," Harmony explained. "Do you really believe the Master wouldn't illegally undo their work?"

"And my daughter?" he asked intently.

"I don't remember most of the details; I was a bit distracted at the time," Harmony admitted.

"The mind stores more than you can consciously recall, and I can read it from you if you'll allow me," he blurted out quickly, already reaching for her head when he heard her agree mentally.

Unfortunately, he didn't wait for her to agree out loud, so it looked to everyone else as if he weren't going to take no for an answer.

Xander, not knowing anything of the Doctor's character, assumed the worst and jumped between them, which unfortunately brought their foreheads together with a crack that echoed through the room and made everyone wince.

Yes, Xander Harris, the guy whose mind was so open to possession that he had them sign the guest register, head butted a powerful telepath with his shields open and probe out.

The two dropped to the ground as if they'd been switched off. "Doctor!" "Xander!" two blondes exclaimed worriedly.

Everyone gathered around the downed figures and finding them alive began trying to rouse them.

Xander woke first, being much more used to getting his grey matter scrambled, which gave him some additional resilience. "Oww... What hit me?" he asked, as he shook off the people helping him stand.

"Quiet you blithering buffoon!" The Doctor growled out.

"Why?" Xander asked, before laughing at nothing.

"Because I'm cogitating."

"That sounds painful, probably caused by too much cheese in the diet. I think they have pills for that now."

"Quiet you fool," The Doctor snapped. "My mind is awhirl with blazing nodes of transient thought, awash in a sea of theoretical probabilities."

"That happened to me once," Xander said brightly. "But once they unscrambled the Playboy channel my headache went away. Narf!"

The Doctor just stared at Xander, temporarily at a loss, when a crackling blue electrical blast caught him in the side, knocking him out.


"He shoulda had a V8," Xander said thoughtfully. "Because although the V6 uses less gas it has a really hard time getting over sand dunes."


Everyone turned to Jack who put away his sonic pen. "I like my sanity where it is thanks. Now unless I miss my guess, Xander managed to intercept the Doctor in mid probe – something every bit as painful as it sounds and it has kinda scrambled their brains together."

"That sounds extremely bad," Giles said worriedly as the two blondes cradled their respective men.

"And normally it would be, requiring all the kings horses and men the better part of a decade to unscramble them, however, thankfully, the medkit on the Tardis is just a bit more advanced than anything on Earth at this point. So … long story short, we need alcohol and lots of it," Jack finished, much to everyone's confusion.

"A little more detail, please," Giles suggested.

"Rather than force them to deal with the confusion of having active imprints of each other running alongside their own personalities, we get them so drunk they can't remember who they are and hit them with a neural enhancer that targets long time memory storage."

"Drown the impression in alcohol and toss his brain a life saver?" Jana asked, wondering if she got it right.

"Exactly," Jack agreed rolling his eyes at the chorus of Oh!s as everyone understood Jana's explanation better than his.

* * *

The viewer was quickly clicked off by the Doctor. "From your grins I'm guessing I don't want to see the rest of it, and since I can't remember there are only three neural enhancers that fit the symptoms. One of which is deadly to humans, so I'm guessing either Kooligan based plant extract or that X-something chemical, since you probably dosed us both at once."

"It was chemical X," Rose confirmed with a grin. She always enjoyed seeing The Doctor solve puzzles.

"The humans on Debion 9 developed that to open the third eye," The Doctor chuckled. "They were so disappointed when they realized it wasn't creating psychics, just reminding people where they left their car keys."

"Not to mention thinking it created telepaths, only to find the reason they did so well at cards was they had an easier time remembering the other players' tells." Jack snickered.

"I seem to recall it requiring a certain level of endorphins," The Doctor said while Jack smirked.

"But then as I'm not human..." The Doctor trailed off at Jack's look of disappointment. "I'll have to do something fun that I rarely ever do."

Rose and Jack both perked up at that.

"We'll have to pack our own food supplies, unless you have a thing for Indian food, but other than turning Jack into a girl we're good to go," The Doctor said with a grin.

"Indian food?" Rose asked curiously. "Where are we going?"

"Turn me into a girl?" Jack muttered, confused.

"We're going to visit Time's Child. He's a bit of a slob and eats nothing but Indian food for some reason, but he's a load of fun," The Doctor said enthusiastically.

"Turn me into a girl?" Jack asked a little louder.

"He's human too. The last one in his timeline in fact, and the strangest events always take place around him – and I mean strange even for me. His companions make you two look normal." The Doctor smirked.

"Excuse me, can we get back to the part where I'm required to be female?" Jack asked nervously.

"Sounds like loads of fun." Rose grinned while Jack was beginning to panic.

"Oh yeah," The Doctor agreed happily as he shifted the Tardis to look for an eddy in the timestream.

AN: Everyone thank godogma for typing this out for me!