isclaimer: All characters belong to Kishimoto-sama. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Pairing: ItaNeji

Warning: Yaoi: male homosexual relationships, adult language, AU, sexual situations, sexual intercourse, and PWP.

Beta: Blood Zephyr

WARNINGS!! CRACK!!!


For the Love of a Good Hair Dryer

By Tanuki-Mara


He knew it was wrong. Wrong on so many levels. But at the same time, he couldn't stop. And it was all Kisame's fault.

Itachi Uchiha was a self-confessed playboy. He loved sex, and had it as often as possible with as many people as possible, in as many positions as possible. He swung both ways, more towards the male side actually. He loved it. In fact, one of the main reasons he loved being with males was because they brought out a submissive side in him he couldn't show with females. Not that Itachi didn't like being dominant on occasion. Sex was sex. But then Kisame stepped in, telling him it had gone too far, and he was worried Itachi might catch a sexual disease. After that, Itachi had begun shagging virgins just to piss Kisame off, but then Kisame did something unforgivable.

He took Itachi's hair dryer.

Itachi, of course, could afford a hundred more, but he didn't want a different one. He wanted that one. It didn't make his hair too poofy, it didn't make his hair too flat. It was perfect.

Extremely pissed off, Itachi had agreed to refrain from 'sleeping around like a whore' as his best friend so politely put it. Kisame was holding his dryer for three weeks, saying that was how long it took to break a bad habit.

And Itachi was not happy.

So he spent his time moping around the mansion, depressed. His parents couldn't really complain – he had graduated College at age eighteen, due to his genius, and they agreed to let him have time off until he was twenty-one and legally an adult. So Itachi had spent the last two years going from odd job to odd job.

But being home so often, as none of his jobs interested him for longer than a week, meant he was around his little brother more. While that was annoying, as the seventeen year old seemed to admire him (well, he was awesome), it also had its perks.

The main one being Sasuke's friends. His hot, young, gorgeous friends. One of his favourite pass times was now to watch as Sasuke's friends lounged about by their pool, their half-naked bodies glistening as they splashed each other and rubbed lotion on each other and... ok, so they didn't actually do that, but they did in Itachi's mind.

The point was, all that delicious eye-candy was out there, and it was heaven for a while as Itachi contemplated which he would take first... the gorgeous and loud blond, with the bright sky eyes and the caramel skin? Or the slender and stunning redhead, with his pale skin and blood coloured hair? No, the wild brunette who looked like he would be a rough ride in the sack. So many choices...

And then Kisame stole his fucking hair dryer!

Now, the watching was no longer joyous anticipation, it was sweet torture. And he had a goddamn week to go!

Which brought Itachi to his current predicament. He was skulking around in the upstairs library of the mansion, waiting for his brother and his friends to arrive. It was a hot day, and they had already said they would be dropping by. There had been mention of a new friend coming to visit, but Itachi hadn't really been listening – he had been lost in a fantasy of the blond, redhead and brunette, all together. With him right in the middle.

Then, finally, they appeared. The blond dove straight in, his body curving in a beautiful arc. The redhead dangled his feet in the shallow end, glaring at the brunette who was teasingly threatening to push him in. And... oh God! No! The eyebrow-freak! In a speedo! Avert thine eyes!

Recovering from the shock, Itachi turned his eyes to where his brother was reclining on a chair and froze.

There was an absolute god next to him!

Long, dark brown hair fell gracefully down past his pale shoulders. His body was positively drool worthy. And drool Itachi did. His eyes were hidden behind dark sunglasses, so it was impossible to see what colour they were, but Itachi knew they would be perfect...

Come to think of it, Itachi wasn't sure what colour would suit this angel the best. Brown? No... too common. Blue? Too stereotypical. Green? No... it just didn't go.

Still pondering it, (and how he got his hair to flow like that!) Itachi started as he saw the teen rise. He crossed to the edge of the pool to speak with the blond, and failed to notice the brunette creeping up behind him. As he spoke, the brunette shoved him hard from behind, sending him falling into the water with a loud splash.

Itachi ignored that he was pressed up against the window as he watched the god resurface, yell at both the brunette and laughing blond, before he swam to the ladder and climbed out. Itachi watched as he stalked over to an amused Sasuke who gestured to the house vaguely. And then the god was entering the house!

Taking his chance, Itachi tore through the halls, down a set of stairs and around a corner he knew would put him right in the youth's path. He walked casually, knowing he would intercept the man and then...

Screw Kisame. Itachi would buy a new hair dryer. This guy was worth it.

Sure enough, the youth appeared around the end of the hall, wringing out his hair irritably. That Itachi could understand; his hair was horrid when wet – it went all wavy and curly.

Itachi looked the teen over, noticing he was even more edible up close. And best of all, his sun glasses were off.

His eyes were white. A pale, diamond and pearl mix of white! They were almost as incredible as Itachi's own ruby-flecked black! Stunning, gorgeous, edible – this guy was everything!

Itachi had to have him.

"Excuse me?" Oh that voice was like chocolate. Itachi met those stunning eyes and he was shocked to realize that the youth was taller than him! He had to look up a couple of inches!

"Yes?" he purred, his eyes darting down that delicious body. "You must be a friend of Sasuke's... I haven't seen you here before. I would remember you..."

The youth raised an eyebrow and a slight smirk slid onto his face as his own eyes slid down Itachi's slim body.

"I was looking for a towel," he said. "But I think I've found something much more interesting."

"Oh, yes you have," Itachi said, glancing subtlety out the window. He wanted this man. Now. "My name is Itachi, I'm Sasuke's older brother."

"Neji Hyuuga," the god said, stepping closer. "Is there some place I can go to dry off? I'm...dripping..."

Itachi took that as an opportunity to watch the drops of water slide down Neji's muscled chest before his eyes darted back up to Neji's face.

"Well," he murmured as he turned on his heel, looking over his shoulder at Neji, making sure his eyes were smouldering. "I know just the place to clean you up."

Itachi made sure to swing his hips as he sauntered down towards his room. He knew Neji was following him, and looking at his ass, which is exactly what he wanted. As he walked he silently planned out what would happen.

His room, he had to admit, was lovely. He had his own adjoining study/library which held his personal possessions, so it looked very formal and decorative. It didn't look lived in. The huge bed was a four-poster maple, the bed spread a relaxing sky blue with cream pillows. His wardrobe was a walk-in one, next to the bathroom, so the only other things in the room were a TV, mounted on the wall, an azure couch that was very soft, and an open pair of glass double doors leading onto a balcony, pale cream and blue curtains flapping in the breeze.

Now, Sasuke preferred his room in dark shades – red, black, sometimes blue, but Itachi liked the light; it relaxed people. And he could see it relaxed Neji, obvious from the way the man smirked as he entered the room, his bare toes digging into the cream carpet.

Itachi crossed straight to the bed, resting a hand on it. He looked over at Neji as he reached up to pull loose the tie holding back his hair. His long, black locks swirled around his face in a move that had taken ages to perfect, and Itachi turned, facing Neji.

Slowly, he hopped up onto the bed, shuffling back as he kept his eyes locked on the immobile Neji. Reaching up, he ran his hands up his red silk shirt before he slowly began to unbutton it. Neji took a step forward before he caught himself, leaning casually against the wall. Itachi slid the shirt off his shoulders, tossing it aside, before dropping back against the ornamental pillows. His hands darted down to his sinfully tight pants, and he fiddled with the button.

Neji finally moved.

He swept across the room, his hands tugging at the laces of his swimming trunks as he did so. As soon as he reached the bed, he slid the shorts straight down, the movement smooth despite how wet they were, and climbed straight onto the bed.

Itachi didn't get a chance to look at Neji before the man was on him. Large hands ran the length of his torso as lips latched onto his. Itachi groaned, his hands digging into wet, long hair, and he tugged. Neji let out a feral growl as he pushed Itachi back on the bed, dominating the kiss and pressing against him. Itachi writhed beneath the man, his legs coming up to wrap around Neji's waist as he eagerly pulled him down. He had been two weeks without sex! He wanted some now, damn it!

"Hurry," he panted, pulling his lips free. Neji simply moved to his neck. "Come on! Hurry!"

"Why?" The youth grumbled as he bit Itachi's neck. "Calm down."

Itachi flipped them suddenly, a move he had perfected years ago. He pinned Neji's hands above his head and glared at him.

"Listen here," he hissed. "I've gone two whole weeks without sex! I usually don't go two days without it! You may be fucking perfection on two legs, but if you don't hurry the fuck up and give me what I want, I'll go elsewhere."

Neji met his eyes calmly for a moment before they seemed to darken. Itachi blinked, and then he was on his back, Neji's hips pressing into his.

"You've said your bit," he growled. "Now you listen. I'll fuck you, and in my own good time. I'll also fuck you so damn good, you won't ever want anyone else."

"Not likely," Itachi snorted as he ran his hands over Neji's shoulders. "I'm a creature of habit. I fuck, I move on, I fuck again. You are just another link in the chain."

"You say that now," Neji whispered as he lowered his lips to run over Itachi's Adam's apple. "But when I'm done with you, you're going to be as clingy as a sixteen year old virgin bitch."

Before Itachi could retort, sharp teeth sunk into his neck. Itachi arched his back with a curse, his perfectly manicured nails digging into pale shoulders. Neji's hands continued to roam his body, squeezing, tweaking and stroking, removing his pants along the way.

Itachi thrashed in his hands, moaning in delight. He had gone so long without touch that now he was hyper-sensitised.

"Please..." Itachi moaned. "Come on..."

Neji moved back up to claim Itachi's lips deeply as he wrapped a hand around Itachi's cock. He tugged enthusiastically on it, causing Itachi to squirm and moan.

"Alright," Neji whispered against his lips. "Lube?"

"Bedside table," Itachi moaned as he leaned up to suck on Neji's neck. "And under the pillow."

"Sex addict," Neji chuckled as he reached under the pillow. He fumbled around for a bit until he found the small tube. Itachi didn't deny it, and continued to suck on Neji's neck.

Neji pulled out of his grasp, ignoring the whine Itachi let out. He opened the tube, squeezing the substance out onto his hand. He smeared the substance over three of his fingers as Itachi impatiently grabbed his other hand. He pulled the hand to his mouth, kissed the fingers, and then began to suck on the middle one.

"Ahh," Neji closed his eyes for a moment as Itachi sucked on his finger. "If you want something to suck, my cock is waiting!"

Itachi didn't hesitate. He pushed Neji onto his back and bent over his cock, sucking it straight into his mouth. He closed his eyes in pleasure as he sucked the thick member eagerly, focusing on the head, just to tease. He never willingly sucked cock. But there was something about this man, with his commanding presence and godly looks, that made Itachi eager to please him.

Neji dropped onto his back, running his spare hand along Itachi's side.

"Move around," he ordered. Itachi slid about, still sucking eagerly. As soon as Itachi was in position over him he reached up, found Itachi's entrance and slid two fingers straight in. Itachi moaned loudly, causing Neji to groan at the vibrations. He scissored the fingers, adding a third after a moment. He reached up with another hand to fondle Itachi's balls, causing him to groan.

Finally, Itachi felt Neji withdraw his fingers. He moaned softly, released the hard member in his mouth and rolled to the side. He gazed up at Neji through half-lidded eyes.

"How do you want me?" he rasped. "On my hands and knees like the whore I am? On your lap, proving how much I want it? Or maybe-"

"On your back," Neji ordered, cutting him off. "I want to see your face. Your legs will go over my shoulders. You're going to take everything I give you and more."

"Yes," Itachi moaned as Neji moved over to settle between his open legs. "Come on."

Neji grabbed Itachi's legs, throwing them over his shoulders. Itachi's heels dug into his back, as the man sprawled out on the bed, arms thrown to the side.

"Come on then," Itachi breathed. "I'm getting bored."

Neji snarled wordlessly at him and reached down, positioning himself at Itachi's stretched entrance. He met Itachi's eyes for a moment before, in one swift movement, Neji slammed in.

Itachi howled as he grabbed at the bed spread around him. He hadn't really noticed how large Neji was before – he had only teased the tip. Now, he felt like a virgin, impaled on that first impossibly big length. He squeezed his eyes shut, hiding the sudden tears that had sprung up.

Somehow, Neji sensed them anyway. He leaned in, squashing Itachi's legs flat, and managed to lick up the droplets of water at the edge of Itachi's eyes.

"Asshole," Itachi hissed. "Now my eyes will get all red and puffy!"

Neji chuckled as he reached down to grasp Itachi's cock, stroking it softly.

"You're such a whiney bitch," he laughed. "So high maintenance... but I like that. I can get used to that."

"Moron," Itachi growled as he shuffled on Neji's cock. "This is a o-one time fuck!"

"You say that now," Neji shuffled back, grasping Itachi's hips firmly. "I'll change your mind."

Neji slammed forward, hitting Itachi's prostate in an instant. Itachi gasped, his hands gripping the sheets tighter. Two weeks... two whole weeks! Why had he ever given this up? He didn't need his damn hair dryer – he needed a thick cock inside of him!

Neji slammed into him mercilessly, hitting his prostate every time. Itachi gasped and moaned, bucking and thrusting down onto Neji's cock as best he could. Neji grinned at the movement, thrusting harder and faster, grunting slightly.

"Ah..." Itachi moaned. "Come on..."

"My name," Neji whispered. "Say it!"

"Nejiiiiiiiiiii...." Itachi wailed. "Neji!"

"Louder!" Neji snarled. "Scream it!"

"Bastard!" Itachi hissed. "I won't!"

"Scream it!" Neji all but yelled. "I want to hear you scream it!"

Neji pulled out of Itachi suddenly and rolled the smaller man onto his stomach. He tugged his hips back towards him before slamming back in. He threw all his weight behind his thrusts as he surged forward, pummelling Itachi as hard as he could.

"God!" Itachi buried his head down into his arms. "I m-missed this... so much!"

"You're tight," Neji panted into his ear, completely ignoring what he was saying. "For a self-proclaimed slut, you're still tight!"

"You're big!" Itachi huffed. He was getting pressed into his hands, and was probably going to get those weird red marks all over his face. Ugh, how unattractive. "Biggest I've been with!"

"Good," Neji sounded very pleased. "Now everyone else w-will be inferior."

Before Itachi could respond Neji reached down and gathered his cock up in one hand, tugging it. He gasped against his hands, thrusting back harder. Neji stroked him quickly, pushing him towards the edge. Itachi felt his orgasm hurtling towards him with a sense of horror – it was going to be huge. Itachi would probably do something undignified, like scream. Heaven forbid!

Neji snarled into his ear before biting hard at his shoulder. That was all it took for Itachi to become undone. With a loud yell he exploded into Neji's hand, coming harder than he could ever remember coming. Neji thrust three more times before he, too, reached his peak, filling Itachi with his cum. Usually Itachi detested that, but for some reason he felt... warm.

Neji dropped onto the bed beside Itachi, who peered at him through his dishevelled hair. This teenager had just given him the best orgasm of his life. The way their bodies had moved together was so perfect, so right. Itachi had never had that compatibility with a lover before. What's more, they seemed to understand each other. Neji had an ego to rival Itachi's, which the older man could understand. He also said he liked how high maintenance Itachi was...

Before he could stop himself, Itachi found himself shuffling across the bed to Neji, dropping his head onto that pale, perfect chest as he wrapped an arm around Neji's waist. It felt right. Very right. Itachi had never been a hugger before, but as one of Neji's arms wrapped around his waist as his other hand stroked his hair, Itachi thought that he could get used to it. In fact, if he decided to take Neji for another spin, he might demand it.

"Told you so," Neji chuckled above him after a moment. "Sixteen year old virgin bitch."

"Shut up," Itachi mumbled, shaking his head forward so that his face was hidden behind his hair. "Asshole."

"No, this is an asshole," Neji said casually, right before sliding a finger straight into Itachi, who yelped. "I am your new boyfriend."

"I don't do b-boyfriends..." Itachi gasped as Neji began to rub his prostate. "God! Oh..."

"You do now," Neji said simply. "I'm not done with you. Won't be for a while. Alright?"

Itachi's eyes rolled up in his head as he pressed down on the finger that was torturing him so slowly. It was barely brushing his prostate now.

"Alright!" Itachi growled. "Whatever, boyfriends. Now come on..."

And as Neji rolled them over, preparing for another go, Itachi tangled his hands into long hair, biting back a self-satisfied smirk.

Kisame would have to give him his damn hair dryer back. He wasn't sleeping around anymore, he had the feeling Neji wouldn't allow it. Maybe his new boyfriend could get his hair dryer back... or get him a new one. That's what boyfriends did, right? Hmm, maybe having a boyfriend was a good thing. His feet got sore some times and he would like someone around to rub them...

Itachi's thoughts were cut off as Neji slammed into him without warning. He looked up into angry white eyes and frowned in confusion.

"Keep your mind on me," he ordered. "You're a prissy bitch, I can deal with that, but when we're like this," the word was punctuated with a sharp thrust. "You focus on me."

"Get me my hair dryer back," Itachi ordered as he tugged Neji down for a kiss, ignoring the weird look he got. "And you're going rub my feet every day."

Their lips met and Itachi devoured his boyfriend's mouth.

Yes, he could get used to this.


Yes, I know what you're all thinking: What the FUCK was that?

I don't know myself...