Worst Chuunin Present Ever

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

Note: Because I've seen a lot of 'Naruto discovers he was somehow a girl all along' stories and while those are great for writing, say, Sasuke/Naruto without making it yaoi, it also kind of makes you wonder…

"I'm sure you're all wondering why I called you here today," Tsunade told the people gathered before her in her office: Iruka, Kakashi, Sasuke, Sakura, Naruto, Ino, Choji, Shikamaru, Hinata, Shino, and Kiba.

"Did you have a mission for us, Hokage-sama?" Shino asked.

Tsunade hesitated. "Not exactly. As you may be aware, Naruto has recently made Chuunin."

"Damn straight!" Naruto cheered loudly.

"I don't think there is anyone in all of Konoha or the shinobi world that doesn't know," Shikamaru said idly. "It's all very troublesome."

"You say everything's troublesome!" Ino huffed.

"No he doesn't!" Choji defended his friend, knowing Shikamaru would find it far too troublesome to do it himself. "He does use that word a lot around you, though. And Naruto. And Lee. Not as often as he uses it around Temari, though."

"Can I help it if I'm beset by trouble women?" Shikamaru asked rhetorically. "And Lee and Naruto?"

"You said that everyone Naruto trusted was supposed to be here, so where's Gai's team? And Sai and Yamato?" Iruka asked.

"They're on a mission," Tsunade replied.

"You couldn't put this off until they got back, sensei?" Sakura asked respectfully.

"I could, I suppose," Tsunade admitted. "But I felt it might be better to get this out in the open before Lee could add his…youthful enthusiasm into the mix."

"And what is 'this'?" Kakashi questioned. "What's with all the secrecy? Surely it can't be any bigger than Naruto's status as a Jinchuriki which most people have known for years or Naruto's parentage which became public knowledge after Madara's defeat? I mean, how many secrets can one hyperactive blonde ninja have?"

"This is…" Tsunade paused, trying to figure out the best way to phrase it, "a sensitive subject. I found out when I first became Hokage and by all rights Naruto should have been informed long ago, but the letter specifically said not to say anything until Naruto made Chuunin."

"Yeah, it never occurred to any of us that it would take five years," Kiba exposited helpfully.

"Hey, it took Sasuke five years too!" Naruto pointed out.

"I had a good reason for that; I was a missing-nin. What's your excuse?" Sasuke challenged.

"Things were kind of hectic after I finished training with Ero-Sennin and the Akatsuki were everywhere," Naruto defended.

Sasuke raised his eyebrows. "And the three years in between?"

"I was busy!" Naruto insisted. "Ero-Sennin and I were travelling all over the place!"

"And you couldn't have stayed put for two months or so for the Exam? Or even left and came back for the month in between the second and third part?" Sasuke asked dubiously.

"…No," Naruto said quietly.

"So what is it?" Shikamaru asked. "It must be pretty big if you made Kakashi show up on time."

"She threatened to assign me to the Academy if I didn't," Kakashi reported mournfully. "Iruka then took it upon himself to drag me here a good four hours before I was planning on arriving."

"I was just thinking of the children," Iruka proclaimed.

"It's nothing bad, is it?" Hinata asked, concerned.

"…That depends on your perspective," Tsunade responded eventually. "I have no doubt that Naruto will be quite alarmed."

"By what?" Naruto sounded nervous.

Tsunade took a deep breath and made a few hand motions. "By that."

Naruto looked confused for a second then began to shout in a much higher voice than normal, "Ah! Ah! What did you do? And why?"

Hinata activated her Byakugan to see if she could tell what the problem was. "Oh dear…"

"What?" Sakura asked curiously. "And what happened to your voice? You sound like someone just tried to remove your ability to have children."

"Naruto, you were born a girl," Tsunade informed him solemnly.

"I kind of gathered that," Naruto said, looking down at the familiar orange outfit in some consternation.

"Are you sure?" Ino asked skeptically. "He looks like a boy."

"Well, if he has a boy haircut, wears loose-fitting clothing, and we're used to thinking of him as a boy, that makes sense," Choji said sensibly.

Ino stared at him for a moment. "You spend far too much time with Shikamaru."

"Nonsense," Choji said dismissively. "There's no such thing as too much time with Shikamaru."

"I agree," Shikamaru weighed in. "And if Choji and I didn't hang out so much, I might have to get things that I need myself and just think of how troublesome that would be."

"I guess I was kind of expecting to see long hair or softer features or something," Ino confessed.

Kiba snorted. "I think even Naruto would notice that."

"I can't believe I'm really a girl," Naruto said, sounding dazed. "Oh my God! Hinata! I just realized that this means I'm a lesbian!"

"He almost sounds more concerned about that," Iruka noted with some confusion.

"Well, he is dating a girl who hasn't shown any interest in other girls," Tsunade pointed out.

"If only Jiraiya-sensei were here," Kakashi said wistfully. "This much material could fuel TWO books…"

"That's okay," Hinata assured him. "I'm bisexual."

Naruto brightened immediately. "Really?"

Hinata nodded and smiled at…her.

"Don't you have to worry about producing an heir as the future clan head?" Sasuke inquired.

Hinata shrugged, unconcerned. "My sister can do that. Besides, this way I'm saving her from becoming a branch house member. Neji-niisan still insists it's a fate worse than death."

"If Neji were here right now I'm not sure if he'd be pissed or thrilled to hear you say that," Sakura remarked.

"We'll find out when he does," Shino told her.

"I would like to state that, for the record, this explains everything," Kiba – who had been in silent hysterics from the moment Naruto was declared a girl until then – spoke up.

"Explains WHAT?" Naruto asked blankly.

"Everything," Kiba repeated. "Don't you listen?"

"I think she means 'can you please elaborate'," Hinata clarified.

Kiba blinked. "Oh, right." He cleared his throat dramatically, "You're bisexual!"

"NO, that would be me," Hinata corrected. "Don't you listen?"

Kiba flushed. "Of course I do! I'm just saying that so is…she."

"What makes you say that?" Naruto demanded.

"I never understood hi-her obsession with bringing Sasuke back," Kiba confessed. "Yeah, we Inuzuka pride ourselves on our loyalty, but betraying your friends, village, and oath and attempting to kill your most precious person – twice – is enough to break that obligation. Naruto just never quit and even though I've spent the last few years thinking it was just because he was an idiot with a genetic inability to give up, I see now that I was mistaken."

"I'm kind of torn here," Naruto confessed. "On the one hand, he says he doesn't think I'm stupid anymore, which is good. On the other hand…I'm getting a bad feeling about this…"

"Good instincts," Shino said quietly.

"If Naruto's supposed to be bisexual now that he's a girl, that – being attracted to both genders – she would have been bisexual as a boy," Shikamaru pointed out.

"Your logic is killing my melodrama," Kiba complained.

"How troublesome," Shikamaru sighted.

"The reason Naruto chased after Sasuke so much is because she's in love with him!" Kiba declared triumphantly.

"Not this again!" Naruto groused. "For the last time Kiba: I. Do. Not. Love. Sasuke. I'm a lesbian, Damnit! And unless Sasuke is somehow a girl, too-"

He stopped and everyone turned to look expectantly at Tsunade.

"He's not," she confirmed.

"Thank God," Sasuke said, relieved. "Because I'm saying right here and now that if I ever found out I was, I would have no choice but to seek vengeance on anyone even remotely connected with the cover-up for giving me gender identification issues."

"Fortunately, you're not," Tsunade repeated. "Not that I would tell you if you were since the last thing we need is you focused back on revenge, but trust me on this: you're not."

"That is almost offensively unconvincing," Sasuke said bluntly. "Still, since this whole subject is disturbing me, I'm willing to let it go."

"Wasn't Naruto in the middle of denying being in love with Sasuke?" Kakashi asked. "Again?"

"This happens often?" Sasuke was surprised.

"Oh yes," Ino nodded vehemently. "Kiba had actually taken to coughing 'true love' whenever Naruto mentioned you in his presence. As a matter of fact, Kakashi kept threatening to write a novel about it."

"He's taking notes as we speak," Iruka confirmed.

"Hey, I'm doing this in memory of Jiraiya-sensei," Kakashi insisted, still scribbling away.

"Naruto, about your denial?" Tsunade brought them all back on topic.

Naruto winced. "Can we not call it a 'denial'? That makes it sound like it's true but I just don't want to admit it."

"I think 'denial' is the perfect word," Kiba objected.

"You would…" Naruto sighed. "Now again: I do not like Sasuke. I've told you this before."

"I know, but Naruto – you've been even more insistent that you were straight," Kiba said innocently.

Naruto stiffened. "I admit that I was mistaken about that. I'm not straight. And I don't love Sasuke."

"This would at lest explain why Sasuke opened up to Naruto, though," Sakura mused. "If he's not just asexual then he's straight and in love with Naruto."

"Traitor," Sasuke muttered.

"Pot meet kettle," Sakura countered.

"Why would I be in love with Naruto?" Sasuke demanded. "Even if she weren't loud, annoying, and an idiot, I was rather under the impression that she was a he up until ten minutes ago."

"So?" Kiba asked. "She's not a boy and if you're straight – as hard as that is for me to believe – then it shouldn't matter that you thought she was a boy."

"So I'm just supposed to sense her 'femininity' and unconsciously fall in love with her?" Sasuke asked sarcastically.

"Yes," Kiba said simply.

Sasuke just shook his head, disgusted.

"I have a question," Shino spoke up. "Why was Naruto's gender concealed?"

"Well…" Tsunade scratched the back of her head a bit embarrassed. "Sarutobi-sensei was worried that when Naruto was older she might get molested by people who hate the Kyuubi."

"People were terrified of the Kyuubi but would feel secure enough to try and molest her?" Hinata couldn't believe it. "And wouldn't the easier solution have been to just not tell people about the Kyuubi if it would have caused that many problems?"

Tsunade sighed. "Sarutobi-sensei had LOTS of faith in people. Too much, really, if you ask me and Minato was worse. He thought everyone would see Naruto as a hero and Sarutobi-sensei was sentimental enough to try and honor Minato's final wish."

"…Naruto, no offense, but your dad was even more of an idealistic idiot then you are, wasn't he?" Kiba asked finally.

"Kiba, that's the Yondaime Hokage," Iruka reprimanded. "Show some respect."

"Why couldn't ANBU have just been assigned to watch Naruto if no one was willing to do anything to house him?" Shikamaru inquired.

"Apparently he didn't trust that the ANBU would be able to overcome their hatred and defend Naruto," Tsunade replied.

"So when Itachi was an ANBU he was loyal enough to massacre everyone but the Third didn't trust the rest of them to baby-sit?" Sasuke asked incredulously. "Naruto, when you're Hokage you're going to have to completely overhaul the system."

Naruto merely nodded, knowing that they were always treading on thin ice whenever the topic of the massacre came up with Sasuke. "Hey, if he wasn't worried I get molested until I got older and could probably defend myself, why did he make me a guy before I could remember?"

"Well, it was one thing to announce you were a boy when you were a baby. To do so when you were, say, fifteen would be a little suspicious," Tsunade answered. Looking a little uncomfortable, she continued, "And he didn't want to give you gender issues by changing your gender as a teenager."

"So he'd rather give me them by changing my gender as a baby?!?!" Naruto couldn't believe it. She paused. "Wait…Apparently I was named after the main character in Ero-Sennin's book, right?"

"The non-porn one?" Tsunade asked. "Yeah, you are."

"And that was named after ramen. I like ramen, so I'm okay with that, but why would my parents have named me after a GUY named after ramen if I'm a girl?" Naruto demanded.

" 'Naruto' was their choice for you if you were a guy," Tsunade explained.

"What were they going to call me if I was a girl?" Naruto almost didn't want to know.

"Tsunade Jr," Tsunade replied promptly.

"You're joking," Naruto said flatly.

"No, actually. Kushina lost a bet," Tsunade explained.

Everyone in the room except Sasuke – who hadn't been around enough to understand – tensed.

"Oh, dear God…" Sakura said softly. "What happened?"

"Well, nothing," Tsunade replied. "To me, anyway. They both died very shortly afterwards, but the Kyuubi attack was an act of Uchiha, not an act of God so I am in no way responsible."

"So now what?" Naruto asked, looking at his friends apprehensively.

"I'll probably still insist you and Sasuke are in love, but now I need a new closet couple to support," Kiba announced.

"This is all too troublesome for me to have much of a reaction," Shikamaru announced.

The others quickly echoed some statement to the effect that they also would stand by Naruto.

"Let's go out ourselves," Hinata decided, grabbing Naruto's hand and dragging her out into the street.

Note: I probably wouldn't mind fem!Naruto to avoid yaoi so much if so many of them didn't make Naruto so much more touchy-feely once he found out he was a she. If it was only a henge (which a lot of them are) then there shouldn't be a change in hormones and thus the personality shouldn't be completely different. Some changes, I can understand (especially if it is actually a physical transformation but in that case why change back?) but the character often isn't recognizeable.

Review Please!