Disclaimer: I don't own Lamb, it belongs to Christopher Moore.
Warnings: BLASPHEMY. Then again, if you're here you probably realise that. Still. This is slash.
Author's Notes: So I found out that Lamb had a category here. I feel complete. Anyway, I haven't read the book for about two or so months so I think I screwed the timeline up a bit. Sorry. D:
Anyway, this was beta'd by the beautiful JM Selleck. She's awesome.
The problem with having a best friend like Josh, was that, well. He was Josh. He was a little bit oblivious to the world, but then again he had this insight to it that sometimes made Biff a little surprised. Joshua wasn't an idiot – Biff just liked to think that his father had accidentally smacked him over the head on the way out.
God, that is. Not Joseph.
Although Biff was a little bit cloudy on the whole birthing process – he knew that babies came from penises and vaginas and whatnot – but he was a little bit lost on how something so big could come out of something so... not big. Biff paused at that, and mentally ticked off the women he had slept with over the many long years he and Joshua had been gallivanting around learning the way of the Messiah.
Yeah, none of them had had very big... lower bits. That was Biff's department.
Or at least he liked to think so.
But the thoughts of those bits, and the bits up top, which were some of Biff's favourite bits, was making Biff's own bit a little bit bigger.
Hopefully Joshua wouldn't notice. He was very wrapped up in his thoughts for the next day, in which they planned to go and preach some more and maybe finish a bit early so they could all gamble a bit behind Joshua's back.
"Biff, your bits are, er, big."
"Sorry, Josh. I'm thinking unholy thoughts again. You want me to go out back and... you know?" Biff asked, standing up and stretching. But, to his ever eternal surprise, Joshua shook his head, and blushing slightly he murmured, "I... would like it if you tried to explain the feeling to me... before..."
"Nothing. Could you?"
Biff shrugged and plopped down again, shifting a bit to get comfortable. He then opened his mouth and tried his best to explain the feeling of having Big Bits, but, like his last attempt, it was difficult and by the time they finished poor Josh looked a heck of a lot more confused than the first time.
"So, er, why did you ask, anyways?" Biff asked, scratching his cheek, his face still slightly flushed red from a particularly graphic retelling. Beside him Joshua shrugged, and mumbled, "Didn'twannadieavirgin."
"... but if you die... not... a... virgin, won't your Dad, like... cast you down to Hell and all that?"
Joshua shrugged, and replied, "I'm not sure. I think kissing might be alright, but anything past that.... well, it's sort of a moot point."
Biff nodded in agreement, before jumping back up and exclaiming, "I'll go get Maggie – you can kiss her. I'm sure your Dad will be fine with it."
He ignored the jealous little twitch in the pit of his stomach, and was about to hurry out when Joshua's hand snapped out and grabbed his wrist.
"I... don't wanna kiss Maggie..."
"... oh. Who do you wanna kiss, then?"
Joshua blushed particularly red at that question, and when Biff finally managed to understand his mumbling he blushed as well.
But Joshua was his best friend, pretty much his entire world, and something which seemed as innocent as this – well, innocent compared to some of the things Biff had done on their travels – couldn't hurt, could it?
So he buckled down and squatted close to Josh, staring at his face, memorizing it and thinking, Will I go to Hell for this? I mean, it IS the Messiah... that's gotta get me some brownie points.
And then Joshua was leaning forward and awkwardly pressing his lips against his, and it was an odd sensation of prickly beard against prickly beard, and chapped lips and a slightly salty taste, and even though Biff felt a bit uncomfortable he also felt right.
When they pulled apart they stared at each other for what seemed like an eon, and then Joshua pressed his forehead against Biff's and thanked him in that sweet, quiet way of his.
The air was rushing past his face and it was almost entirely slow motion. A million thoughts blurred about in Biff's head as he plummeted towards the ground, the main being that Joshua was dead.
His Joshua was dead and gone and it made his heart snap in two and then into fours and then into eights and he was sure he'd die from the ache in his chest, rather than the smashing of his body on sharp rocks.
And as he felt his body break against the earth, a single thought, a single feeling flickered through his mind, of two men kissing and connecting on a spiritual level so very high up, in such a perfect way. This thought kept him from feeling the pain and the broken, twisted form of his body, and Biff replayed it over and over and over and over and over until the world faded into nothing.
I'm sorry, Josh.