Hello fanfic friends, it's psymom, and tonight it is my turn to take part in the silliness. I cannot BELIEVE that I wrote this, but only the inspiration of the goddesses of Twilight crackfic could inspire me so.

Much love to my girls : OCD_indeed, qjmom, vjgm, and shabbyapple. As much as I bitched and moaned about you making me do this, I am actually quite honored you asked me. *kisses*

We want to remind everyone to be sure and check out the Fandom Gives Back author auction to raise money for a wonderful charity, Alex's Lemonade Stand. Tons of authors are offering themselves up to the highest bidder for this worthy cause. Make sure you visit:

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So, I give you chapter 6 our collaboration: Orgies and Oprah.

Stephenie Meyer owns the characters, we own the plot, but I'm not certain I'd ever admit to it in public.


Carlisle POV

These men, or BOYS rather, with their hot tempers and their shortsightedness…I cannot BELIEVE they would blow this deal with what amounted to a fucking cockfight. Immature…idiotic… …incompetent…dammit.

I was still fuming as I tossed and turned in bed that evening. I hoped they were learning their fucking lesson at Volterra Hugs and Healing. If they weren't learning to get along, at least they would learn that there were shitty consequences for fucking up like this. Those boys would be the death of me—not like the women in my life. The women that took care of me…My beautiful wife Esme, so sweet and caring. Alice, the best assistant anyone could ask for, and gorgeous to boot. She could charm the pants off of any client that walked through our door. Bella, my daughter in law to be, and Rose, the first to marry into the Cullen family, were the lights of our lives. Bella's sweet nature made every man want to protect her and Rose's kick ass self-confidence was intimidating but exciting at the same time.

Maybe I should have THEM leading our sales team…they could lock in a deal in a snap with their combined prowess….hmmmm…and none of them are whiner babies that can't hold their tempers. They are…perfect… Maybe it would be better if I had all women working for me. At least then I would know that they would get things done…take care of business…

Calmed at the thought, I was finally able to relax enough to find sleep after the worst day in our company's history. Cullen Erections would rise again, with the help of my girls…

"Carlisle…" Esme drawled seductively.

I turned my chair around to face the mountain of paperwork on my desk, but I saw none of it, only my beautiful wife. She was wearing that sexy black dress with the slit up the side—the one that went dangerously high but not quite high enough to show anything. Just high enough to make me hard.

"Esme, darling…what are you doing here? I've got to meet with the boys to work out a new strategy for our next project, but you…are VERY distracting..." I said as I let my hand trail up her thigh, tracing the path of the slit in her dress.

"The boys? Carlisle, why would you be meeting with the boys? You know they're working late tonight—the video store is open until midnight on Fridays. Their boss would kill them if they closed early." She looked at me, perplexed at my confused expression. "Carlisle? Are you alright? Why would you be discussing Cullen Erections with them anyway? You know we girls take care of everything…we're the secret to your success, Carlisle. The reason Cullen Erections is the biggest construction company in the country."

"What? Wait…what?" I was dumbfounded. The girls were running the company now? The girls were making Cullen Erections big again?

"But the boys, the Denali deal, the fighting…what happened?"

"Oh Carlisle…shhh," Esme said, putting her supple finger to my lips, as she slid off the desk and into my lap. "You're too stressed, dear. You need to relax."

I struggled to figure out what in the world she was talking about, but failed miserably at trying to concentrate as her hands slipped inside my shirt, massaging my chest.

"Esme, we're at the office dear…what are you doing? Unnnnggg...Esme…" I groaned as she slid her hand lower, resting it on the growing bulge in my Dockers.

"There's my Cullen erection," Esme whispered huskily in my ear.

"Alice could come in at any minute…Esme...oh God…" She was stroking me through the fabric of my pants in earnest now.

"Oooo, Alice, yes, she always makes things more fun." She kept one hand on my cock while she reached back to my phone with the other to push the intercom button. "Alice, we need your assistance in here darling. And bring the pickles."

Pickles? What the…

I heard Alice's tinkling laughter coming through the speaker. "Alrighty, I'll be right there! Should I call Bella and Rose too? I think they are just down the hall in the kitchen—they can grab the pickles on the way!"

"Definitely, Carlisle is VERY uptight, I think he'll need all of us today. Oh, and Alice…"

"Yes, Esme?"

"See if Rose still has the Boy Scout hat in her desk drawer, and don't forget your cape."

"I'm on it," Alice said determinedly.

I was completely dumbfounded now. First Esme wanted to fool around in the office and now she was employing not only edible phallic props, but costumes as well? And the girls, who were now suddenly my employees, were joining us?

Esme turned back to me and eyed me with a hint of pity.

"Oh sweetheart, why are you so confused? You must really have let the stress of work get to you. Here, let's take off your shirt so we'll be ready when they get here."

"Take off my shirt? Esme, are you sure about this? I mean I think I know where you are going with this, but I can't really wrap my mind around why or how this is happening…are we going to…um…have…sex …with them?" I whispered the last part.

Esme's laughter rang out in the office.

Okay, I was totally wrong and now I'd made a compete fool of myself. Not to mention probably pissed off my wife, who would never in a million years propose anything as kinky as handcuffs, much less a three-way. Wait, not a three-way…I had actually just proposed a five-way with my wife of 35 years. And my secretary. And my son's fiancé. And my nephew's wife. A fucking orgy with the women that supposedly are now running Cullen Erections.

I felt my traitorous cock get harder at the thought of the scenario.

Yeah, they're doing something for Cullen erections, that's for sure.

Jesus Christ. I have no idea why Esme hadn't just kicked me in the balls for my question.

I chanced a look at her as she stifled her giggling and removed my shirt. She just smirked at me as if she was in on some secret…as if I was pretending not to know what the hell was going on. How the hell was I going to get to the bottom of this when I was supposed to know what was happening already, and yet, everything as I knew it was turned completely upside down? My son and my nephew, who were of late, definitely fuck ups in my mind, were video store clerks and now the loves of their lives were apparently about to dress me up and stick a pickle somewhere. I shuddered at the thought.

"Esme…" I began as she threw my shirt over to the side table next to the wing backed chair in the corner.

"Yes, Carlisle?" she said as she started working on my belt buckle.

"Why are the boys working at a video store?"

"That's where they've always worked dear—you know they never could get anything done with all their immature bickering and fighting. It's really best. At least they can make a decent enough living that the girls will keep them. They may never make anything of themselves, but at least they're not under our roof anymore." She laughed again, running her hands down my arms and taking my hands in hers. "Can you imagine, Carlisle? What they would think if they knew?" She giggled anew as she looked at me mischievously.

If they knew…If they knew what?

Esme began clearing the desk of papers, then patted it with her hand.

"Hop up there, Carlisle, they shouldn't be much longer. You know how Rose gets when she's kept waiting." She started back in on my belt buckle and then thought better of it, tapping her chin. "I better let Bella do this—she always likes to be the one to restrain you."

"RESTRAIN ME? What the…Esme, I'm not sure I like the sound of this…I mean what the hell is going on here? Pickles and Boy Scout uniforms and capes…and now restraints? Is this some sort of sick joke?"

"Carlisle, sweetie. This was your idea. We've been doing this for ages—it's the thing that has brought us closer, made us the unbeatable team we are. You know you need strong powerful women to keep Cullen Erections growing." She winked as she delivered the last line with her hand on my crotch.

Before I could process what she had said, the door swung open and in it stood a vision of three beautiful women in outfits I would never have imagined seeing them in. Rose was decked out in a full Boy Scout uniform—one meant for a boy much smaller than her, no doubt. The shirt was pulled taut over her full breasts, unbuttoned to the point that her cleavage was practically begging to be gaped at. She wore khaki shorts rolled up to the tops of her thighs—they looked more like boy shorts than camp shorts—and her hair was tucked under the boy scout hat I had already heard about. She carried a jar of pickles and her troop number badge read '6969.'

Bella was a vision in the sluttiest French Maid's costume I had ever seen. Come to think of it is was really half French Maid, half dominatrix…the black patent leather micromini and bra top contrasted with the frilly white lace of the tiny apron she wore. The feather duster she carried looked like a tool of the trade with its whip like end. Now the restraint comment made perfect sense.

Strangest of all was Alice. She almost looked ethereal and I could have sworn she was floating as they moved toward the desk, her long, flowing light blue silk cape trailing behind her. She wore a hood as well and carried a wand—was she supposed to be a witch? A fairy? That's it...a fairy…fairy godmother? A wave of her wand and her humming of the Disney classic, 'Bibbity Bobbity Boo,' confirmed my guess.

"Girls," Esme broke the silence, "Carlisle is overwhelmed with stress. He needs us to take care of him, to relieve the overwhelming pressure of Cullen Erections." All of their eyes moved to my groin, and I tried to wish my hard on away but only succeeded in making my cock visibly twitch under the fabric of my pants.

"Just let us handle everything," Rose said in a sultry voice.

"Ooo, I see you saved the belt for me," Bella purred as she approached me and used the flat end of her feather-ended whip to push me back on the desk. She began fumbling with the buckle, struggling to get it open with her long red fingernails. "I wish I could get this open without breaking a nail," she said, frustration evident in her voice.

"Your wish is my command," Alice said and with a wave of her wand my belt flew off and wrapped itself around my hands, which were suddenly pulled above my head and strapped to the bar on the far end of my desk.

"Alice, I wanted to take it off and tie him up, that is MY part," Bella whined, with a stomp of her foot.

"Well, you asked for help, Bella, you don't have to be a baby about it," Alice snapped back.

"Dominatrix, HELLO!" she said gesturing to her costume. "It's what I DO!"

"Whatever, Bella, you're just delaying us, take his pants off if you want something to do," Rose said, annoyed.

"No, I don't want to, Alice ruined it for me," Bella pouted.

Alice rolled her eyes and flicked her wand and my pants were suddenly gone. Bella seethed at her, as I lay tied to my desk, naked and now only semi hard as a result of the scene unfolding before me.

"Now girls, we're here for Carlisle. He needs us right now, he's very stre…"

"Stressed out, we know, he's always stressed out, we always have to help him relax, we always have to make him feel better, and we always have to use these damn pickles, which frankly make my hands stink, Esme. What about me and my needs? What about the fact that I can never get off with Carlisle because he is always spent by the time he gets to me? I mean one man for four women—there's no way we could all be satisfied, I might as well just use one of these damn pickles myself!" Rose's tirade ended with her throwing the pickles down on the floor, her body following, as she sunk to her knees in tears.

"Jesus Christ, Rose, get a grip. It's not like you don't have Emmett's big cock to get off with at home! He may be stupid and he may be a loser, but at least you can get what you need. Edward is such a wusspriss that when he can get it up, it only lasts long enough for him to get off, and it's not like he can stop thinking about how great he is for actually getting a hard on, long enough to make sure I'm taken care of…" Bella joined Rose in tears and Esme waived them toward her so she could hug them.

I gaped at the three women before me consoling each other and watched as Esme began crying along with them as she smoothed their hair and whispered comforting things to them. I turned to Alice who was apparently joining the tear fest now too, but she suffered alone in the corner, wiping at her tear-stained cheeks with the fabric of her fairy cape. An uncontrolled sob escaped her and the other three women looked up with a chorus of "Aliiiiiice..." as they widened their circle to welcome her in too. They blubbered and cried and hugged and whimpered together, completely oblivious to me.

I closed my eyes and shook my head. Goodbye orgy, hello Oprah.

What in the hell was I thinking? Having all women work for me? What a fucking nightmare. The cattiness and the whining and the CRYING. God, the CRYING. Men weren't much better but at least they didn't fucking CRY. OK, no more women running the company, this isn't gonna work…I'll just get the boys together and talk to them…and train them, and…And what the hell am I supposed to do now? Strapped to my desk, naked, and…

I looked down at my cock and groaned at its flaccid, miniscule state.

My groan must have shaken them out of their trance because suddenly, they all looked over at me, but in bemoaning my own situation I must have missed their wardrobe change. Rose's khaki Boy Scout costume had morphed into a khaki sailor costume, complete with the white dress hat. Bella's Dom French Maid had become biker-chick leathers, Alice's blue cape was now blue denim and her hood had been replaced by a white construction hat. Esme was now sporting a black policewoman's uniform instead of her sexy black dress.

The combination of costumes was vaguely familiar but it didn't fully hit me until the doors burst open and Edward and Emmett came stumbling in with their childhood cowboy and Indian costumes on. Edward adjusted his feather headdress and Emmett holstered his toy gun when they saw me lying naked on my desk, a surely panic-stricken look on my face. Music began to play from the speakers in the corners of the room and the six of them lined up in a row, their arms extended, hands curled into fists, as they started punching into the air towards me, alternating their arms…

"Hey! Hey! Hey, Hey, Hey! Macho, Macho Man…."


I slammed my hand down on the alarm clock. I needed a new CD to wake up to. And an entirely new staff for Cullen Erections and Demolition.


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