Disclaimer: Yes, I still exist. And sadly, I'm no closer to inheriting the rights to Spring Awakening. *sighs*
Notes: Me being angsty again. *shakes head* This from the same author of "Spring Mistakening?" Who'd have thought I had it in me? Speaking of SM, I'll be releasing a parody of a few RENT songs hopefully soon as part of my lead-in to the Glee parody series… so, stay tuned!
Anyway, this time, it's Ilse angst, set some time after Moritz's suicide. I stuck with the simple ABCB pattern for once, since it seemed to fit. It's first person again, Ilse's POV, with references to the second word in the fourth song of SA. (AKA: some swearing)
There sits a nameless grave out there,
A cross of rotting pine.
It traps a heart and soul below
And both, I fear, are mine.
I think they all remember you-
Remember to forget.
Forget that once, they felt your pain,
Your boy-in-man mindset.
They knew that you were failing, so
They let you fail alone.
And pass alone as they all failed
In ways God can't condone.
They cannot take your deed away,
So they are taking you
By calling you a devil or
By simply sounding, "Who?"
But you defied your devil's sin
The only way you knew
By searching for your angel so
You'd be an angel too.
I'd like to be your angel here
Of life, so white and pure.
But you will be my angel now
Of things that never were.
I tried to give you heaven, and
Instead, I gave you hell.
I stole your light and left you dark,
The dark I know so well.
You didn't seem to act like them,
Who only cared for charm.
In fact, you seemed to shrink away
In fear of causing harm.
I thought, perhaps, that you were me.
Of dark, your life was made.
I thought you'd see we were the same.
And that made you afraid.
But, Moritz, we were not the same,
For you knew how to act,
And act is all I know to do,
Pretending that you're back.
So I pretended to be strong-
I told you of my life
In foolish hopes that made me weak,
That you might share my strife.
And maybe, had I let you talk,
Then I could share your woes,
And we'd be one, like little kids,
Wherever blue wind blows.
I blindly thrust my light at you,
So that's what you became,
Lost in dreams you'd never lose
And never find the same.
Too light, too dark, too strong, too weak-
No choice but to escape.
The cruel world I thrust was but
Another form of rape.
You knew the light; you feared the light
For light will lead to dark.
Why give you hope when there was none?
You needn't leave a mark.
Oh, but you did, in me as well,
A bullet through the heart.
You hurt me just as you had feared,
But I too played a part.
I saw the gun; I should have known
You'd never hurt a soul,
Except your own, which didn't count.
You'd lost it long ago.
I thought you then to be those men
Who flirt with guns all night.
I thought your gun your fav'rite friend
How lucky- I was right.
And worse, I didn't think I'd mind
To join with you in hell.
I guess I didn't think at all.
And now you can't as well.
At least if you had raped me there
We'd open other doors.
For once I wouldn't close my eyes
Instead, I just closed yours.
For shame that I forgot so soon
That some men have a soul.
For most men lost theirs long ago,
And mine? It comes and goes.
I thought, perhaps, there's someone else
Of course- well, there was you.
And so I screamed; I didn't know
Or hear you screaming too.
I scolded you for my own fear,
That I was beneath you,
Not in the way I wanted, and
I still now think it true.
By the time you notice me?
Or 'til I noticed you?
It wasn't me who'd lie a corpse
Upon the morning dew.
I saw the gun, and still I ran,
In hopes you'd follow soon.
You kind of did; you ran to death,
Beneath horizon moon.
Now death is all I have in store,
You are all I have.
It isn't much, to love a ghost,
But love I sure don't lack.
For on that night, I heard that shot,
That night my heart did die,
As I ran back with drying tears,
That bullet stopped my cry.
I cannot cry without a heart.
You were my heart and soul.
Without them, all my love is gone,
Yet love still pays its toll.
I tried to hide myself in dirt
So I'd forget that night
I sought to be your angel and
I was your bitch, alright.
But those men didn't last for long;
It wasn't worth the fight.
And so, one night, I took a gun
And smiled at the sight.
Oh, I could be an angel, yes,
For I gave life so well
And took it then, like they took mine,
My only doubt, the smell.
You were the first I murdered, though
I can't say you're the last.
Someone has to pay the price,
And men pay all too fast.
I don't deny the guilt, not now,
It's better to feel that
Than nothingness where you should be
Where men try to attack.
I let them in, then kick them out.
I know you'll be ashamed
To keep their hellish company,
But someone has to pay.
Call me insane, and you'll be right-
You were, you did it too.
You killed me, and I killed you,
And anything that's blue.
I cannot kill your murderer,
For then I'd become you.
You wouldn't want a part of me
Just as I wanted you.
You wouldn't want my company,
The one you tried to flee.
I understand; if I were you,
I'd be afraid of me.
At least I still remember you,
For you're what I've become.
There's nothing else that's left of you
But me, the guilty one.
The same Ilse who sings of life at the end of Purple Summer? No way. But, this is just one interpretation. Normally, I don't think Ilse would run if she saw the gun, but if she thought he used guns like the men who used guns on her, I think she wouldn't think more of it, lost in that dream world of hers. And then she's so affected by his death, she thinks she just as well as murdered him, grows empty, and runs away to sell herself more, to make herself dirtier, since she can't be pure. And yes, sometimes, when they leave their guns out, she gives them what they deserve. She's a little insane. (Just a little.) *is sheepish* Um, Happy Late Thanksgiving? If you want something happy and in the holiday spirit, I wrote a Thanksgiving themed "Dressing the Turkey" last year. (Okay, I am shameless.)