Disclaimer: Yes, I still exist. And sadly, I'm no closer to inheriting the rights to Spring Awakening. *sighs*

Notes: Me being angsty again. *shakes head* This from the same author of "Spring Mistakening?" Who'd have thought I had it in me? Speaking of SM, I'll be releasing a parody of a few RENT songs hopefully soon as part of my lead-in to the Glee parody series… so, stay tuned!

Anyway, this time, it's Ilse angst, set some time after Moritz's suicide. I stuck with the simple ABCB pattern for once, since it seemed to fit. It's first person again, Ilse's POV, with references to the second word in the fourth song of SA. (AKA: some swearing)

GUILTY ONE

There sits a nameless grave out there,

A cross of rotting pine.

It traps a heart and soul below

And both, I fear, are mine.

xXx

I think they all remember you-

Remember to forget.

Forget that once, they felt your pain,

Your boy-in-man mindset.

xXx

They knew that you were failing, so

They let you fail alone.

And pass alone as they all failed

In ways God can't condone.

xXx

They cannot take your deed away,

So they are taking you

By calling you a devil or

By simply sounding, "Who?"

xXx

But you defied your devil's sin

The only way you knew

By searching for your angel so

You'd be an angel too.

xXx

I'd like to be your angel here

Of life, so white and pure.

But you will be my angel now

Of things that never were.

xXx

I tried to give you heaven, and

Instead, I gave you hell.

I stole your light and left you dark,

The dark I know so well.

xXx

You didn't seem to act like them,

Who only cared for charm.

In fact, you seemed to shrink away

In fear of causing harm.

xXx

I thought, perhaps, that you were me.

Of dark, your life was made.

I thought you'd see we were the same.

And that made you afraid.

xXx

But, Moritz, we were not the same,

For you knew how to act,

And act is all I know to do,

Pretending that you're back.

xXx

So I pretended to be strong-

I told you of my life

In foolish hopes that made me weak,

That you might share my strife.

xXx

And maybe, had I let you talk,

Then I could share your woes,

And we'd be one, like little kids,

Wherever blue wind blows.

xXx

I blindly thrust my light at you,

So that's what you became,

Lost in dreams you'd never lose

And never find the same.

xXx

Too light, too dark, too strong, too weak-

No choice but to escape.

The cruel world I thrust was but

Another form of rape.

xXx

You knew the light; you feared the light

For light will lead to dark.

Why give you hope when there was none?

You needn't leave a mark.

xXx

Oh, but you did, in me as well,

A bullet through the heart.

You hurt me just as you had feared,

But I too played a part.

xXx

I saw the gun; I should have known

You'd never hurt a soul,

Except your own, which didn't count.

You'd lost it long ago.

xXx

I thought you then to be those men

Who flirt with guns all night.

I thought your gun your fav'rite friend

How lucky- I was right.

xXx

And worse, I didn't think I'd mind

To join with you in hell.

I guess I didn't think at all.

And now you can't as well.

xXx

At least if you had raped me there

We'd open other doors.

For once I wouldn't close my eyes

Instead, I just closed yours.

xXx

For shame that I forgot so soon

That some men have a soul.

For most men lost theirs long ago,

And mine? It comes and goes.

xXx

I thought, perhaps, there's someone else

Of course- well, there was you.

And so I screamed; I didn't know

Or hear you screaming too.

xXx

I scolded you for my own fear,

That I was beneath you,

Not in the way I wanted, and

I still now think it true.

xXx

By the time you notice me?

Or 'til I noticed you?

It wasn't me who'd lie a corpse

Upon the morning dew.

xXx

I saw the gun, and still I ran,

In hopes you'd follow soon.

You kind of did; you ran to death,

Beneath horizon moon.

xXx

Now death is all I have in store,

You are all I have.

It isn't much, to love a ghost,

But love I sure don't lack.

xXx

For on that night, I heard that shot,

That night my heart did die,

As I ran back with drying tears,

That bullet stopped my cry.

xXx

I cannot cry without a heart.

You were my heart and soul.

Without them, all my love is gone,

Yet love still pays its toll.

xXx

I tried to hide myself in dirt

So I'd forget that night

I sought to be your angel and

I was your bitch, alright.

xXx

But those men didn't last for long;

It wasn't worth the fight.

And so, one night, I took a gun

And smiled at the sight.

xXx

Oh, I could be an angel, yes,

For I gave life so well

And took it then, like they took mine,

My only doubt, the smell.

xXx

You were the first I murdered, though

I can't say you're the last.

Someone has to pay the price,

And men pay all too fast.

xXx

I don't deny the guilt, not now,

It's better to feel that

Than nothingness where you should be

Where men try to attack.

xXx

I let them in, then kick them out.

I know you'll be ashamed

To keep their hellish company,

But someone has to pay.

xXx

Call me insane, and you'll be right-

You were, you did it too.

You killed me, and I killed you,

And anything that's blue.

xXx

I cannot kill your murderer,

For then I'd become you.

You wouldn't want a part of me

Just as I wanted you.

xXx

You wouldn't want my company,

The one you tried to flee.

I understand; if I were you,

I'd be afraid of me.

xXx

At least I still remember you,

For you're what I've become.

There's nothing else that's left of you

But me, the guilty one.


The same Ilse who sings of life at the end of Purple Summer? No way. But, this is just one interpretation. Normally, I don't think Ilse would run if she saw the gun, but if she thought he used guns like the men who used guns on her, I think she wouldn't think more of it, lost in that dream world of hers. And then she's so affected by his death, she thinks she just as well as murdered him, grows empty, and runs away to sell herself more, to make herself dirtier, since she can't be pure. And yes, sometimes, when they leave their guns out, she gives them what they deserve. She's a little insane. (Just a little.) *is sheepish* Um, Happy Late Thanksgiving? If you want something happy and in the holiday spirit, I wrote a Thanksgiving themed "Dressing the Turkey" last year. (Okay, I am shameless.)