Summary: Xanxus consults his faithful right hand man for advice on… courting…
Warnings: Gay love and extreme pointlessness
Author's note: Just a random plotless drabble I thought up while praying. Actually I posted this somewhere asking for critique but as everyone refused to give it I thought I'd just... post it here and... beg you to bear how horrid I am at gayness.
It was raining and very gloomy weather which was perfectly fine with Squalo because though he wasn't really the poetical type, he felt it was the perfect metaphor for his mood then. He had fallen asleep listening to the rain and woke up with it still pounding in his ears. It had been soothing, calming, when he first heard it as he was losing consciousness but now it further irritated him because Superbia Squalo did not appreciate being woken up in the middle of the night by his boss, especially when he wasn't working over time.
He stormed over to his bitch of a boss' room and without knocking, wrenched the door open. Xanxus didn't even blink. He was sitting on a chair with his back to him, facing a fire. He didn't look around when Squalo entered.
'Vooooooooiiiiii,' Squalo yelled in a tone fit to wake up the entire mansion. 'What did you call me for?! I'm not working over time!'
Xanxus ignored this but looked over his shoulder at his subordinate and beckoned for him to come over. He walked over, making sure to make a loud 'thud' with every step he took. 'What?' he snapped.
His boss took him by the arm and tugged him down to sit on the arm of his chair. Squalo nearly fell over at first but quickly steadied himself. He then made an unspoken resolution not to talk to him until he spoke first. Xanxus had several pieces of paper on his lap that he was studying. Squalo sighed and leaned his head on the back of the chair and waited.
'I need help,' Xanxus said simply without looking at him.
'I can't fucking help you if you don't tell me what you need help with in the first place,' Squalo growled in reply. He then broke his resolution 37 seconds after it was made and said 'What are those papers anyway?'
'Pick-up lines,' was the answer and Squalo was stunned into silence for a moment. Xanxus then began to read aloud. 'Baby you turn my software into hardware. Did falling from heaven hurt my angel? If I said you have a fine body would you hold it against me? You're like heroine, illegal but I can't quit you-'
'Um… Xanxus?' The right hand man of aforementioned man cut him off. 'What are you trying to do?'
'Courting, you piece of shit. Which line sounds best?'
Squalo suddenly felt a pang in his stomach that hurt more than any wound that had ever been inflicted upon him, including when he severed his own hand. He frowned but brushed it away quickly. Maybe he'd just eaten too much steak last night. He laughed though it sounded forced and said 'Boss I don't have any practice in courting but even I could tell you you just sound fucking stupid trying to use pick-up lines. If you want to go it the old-fashioned way then just be honest with the girl and give her flowers and chocolates then just ask her out.'
Xanxus twitched. For a moment he looked like he wanted to say something but bit it back. They sat in silence for a moment, Squalo's stomach twitching and prodding holes in his internal organs, Xanxus looking like he might be deep in thought, but then again maybe not. The former stifled a yawn and said sleepily 'Can I go now?'
'No,' was the short, blunt reply. They remained in silence for a while longer at which point Squalo simply gave in and was about to fall asleep on Xanxus' shoulder when his boss said 'Honest?'
It took a moment for Squalo to scramble and gather his thoughts and remember what they had been talking about. 'Yes just be honest and tell her,' he said, the knot in his stomach tightening. 'If you want to propose to her, get a ring then just fucking propose and let me get the fuck out already.'
Xanxus pursed his lips, a rare sight, before he pulled Squalo down onto his lap, a small box curled up in one hand. He grabbed his shoulder to stop himself from falling on his back before finding the energy to screech 'Vooooiii what are you doing?!' Xanxus replied by crushing their lips together. He felt his flesh hand pulled from his shoulder, the fingers pried open and a velvet box put in them instead. The kiss was broken almost as soon as it began and Squalo was left with his face an uncomfortable shade of red. Xanxus, however, appeared completely unfazed.
'Open the fucking box, scumbag,' he said without a trace of spite in his tone. He seemed quite amused actually.
With a trembling hand, Squalo transferred the box to his left hand and opened it. What it contained stunned and rendered him speechless if it was further possible and he wondered vaguely if he was still asleep. Xanxus suddenly put his hand on Squalo's back, making a tremor run down the latter's back. He rested his chin on his shoulder and said in his ear 'Please marry me darling.' The last word was said in satire but it still rolled a wave of warmth over the recipient of the message.
Just as Squalo was deciding whether to punch or kiss his boss, a giggle erupted from the wardrobe resting against a wall and he quickly looked up. Before he could say anything, however, Xanxus himself said 'The game's over you fucking morons, he heard you.'
There was another laugh and the doors burst open and the rest of the Varia burst out. Lussuria and Bel were laughing themselves senseless, Levi looked like he didn't know exactly what he was supposed to be doing and Mammon announced he would auction off the video to the highest bidder, holding a camera as he was saying so.
That was when Squalo decided to punch Xanxus in the face.
'I'm serious,' Xanxus almost purred in Squalo's ear. Buttons and zippers and clothes flew around in a whirlwind.
I hope you enjoy my fail!attempt at writing gayness. Please be gentle with critique.