The Twilight Saga and all related characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. Not copyright infringement is intended. Any dialog used from the books is only meant to enhance this story NOT to steal from the author!
Summary: What if when Bella jumped from the cliff her mind became clearer. What if here epiphany came at the moment her mind thought she was dying…What if she suddenly KNEW why Edward had left and she decided that she wanted answers!
Exert from New Moon Chapter 15 Pressure:
The wind blew stronger now; whipping the rain into eddies around me.
I stepped out to the edge, keeping my eyes on the empty space in front of me. My toes felt ahead blindly, caressing the edge of the rock when they encountered it. I drew in a deep breath and held it…waiting…
"Bella, what are you doing?"
Being human, just like you wanted. I exhaled smiling as his voice floated into my mind. I didn't respond aloud for fear that the illusion would be broken and I would see that there was no wizard, just a little old man behind the curtain.
"Don't do this, wait for Jacob" he pleaded in his velvet tone that melted my heart.
Jacob was busy and he wouldn't allow me to jump from this height even if he was here so I shook my head smirking as his exasperated growl filled my head.
"Please, step away from the ledge. Do it for me, please."
No! You told me once that you were a selfish creature well now it's my turn; I'm going to be selfish and nothing's going to stop me.
"Please, Bella."His voice was just a whisper in the blowing wind that whipped my hair and blew the rain in sheets, drenching me.
I rolled up onto the balls of my feet and smiled in anticipation. I rolled my eyes at his answering growl.
"Isabella Marie Swan, this is not safe! Go home!" His voice was angry now, and oh was it exquisite.
Like my safety matters to you any more.
I raised my arms straight out, preparing to dive. I leaned forward, crouching to get more spring…
Dammit, Bella your safety is and always will be my only concern, Please, don't do this," He begged hopelessly.
I'm sure it is. I retorted angrily. That was a low blow. My mind must be really desperate to stop my body from moving to hit this below the belt, acting as if Edward cared about what happened to me.
"None of that matters now," I said out loud and flung myself off the cliff.
I screamed as I plummeted through the air, but it was a scream of pure elation and excitement, I had no fear what so ever. The wind howled in my ears, trying vainly to drawn out the magnificent sound of Edward's enraged growl.
Yes! The word echoed through my head as I broke through the surface of the water. It was so cold it only added to the high, reminding me of Edward's chilly embrace.
I was very proud of myself; Edward's voice had been so close, so perfect. I hadn't felt one second of terror. I felt nothing but pure adrenaline.
I was disappointed to realize that I hadn't been at all afraid. This was not something that I cold use again to induce my Edward delusion. That was the moment the current caught me.
I had been so determined to jump no matter the cost that I only took time to consider the danger presented by the cliffs. I never even took into account that the danger was a churning black destruction moving below me, hidden by the rolling surf.
The angry waves tossed me around trying in vain to break me worse than I already was. My mind scrambled to remember the right way to combat a riptide. I knew it had something to do with going with the current not against it but I couldn't tell which way to go I honestly couldn't even tell which way the surface was as gravity and the waves pulled me lower into the murky ocean.
I fought to keep from screaming as blackness overtook everything even with my eyes wide open. I could feel the panic rising and knew that my oxygen was quickly running out as I fought desperately to keep myself conscious.
It didn't surprise me at all that my hallucination of Edward was here beside me, no I always knew that somehow, he would be with me at the end of my life. I knew that this was what was happening to me, I was drowning. I was going to drawn in the ocean with my only love to keep me company.
"Keep swimming!" Edward demanded in my head.
Swim to where? There's nothing but darkness, no light to show the way to the shore. There's just no place to swim to.
"Stop that, Isabella!" he shouted. "Don't you dare give up; I left so that you could live a long happy life!"
I didn't feel the buffeting of the waves anymore, my mind and body went completely numb.
No, you left because you don't love anymore! I refused to allow my mind to lie to me at the end. I would no die delusional.
Please don't make my sacrifice be in vain, Bella. I need you to live. I can't live in a world
where you don't exist.
I forced my arms to continue moving, my legs to keep kicking. I forced my lungs not to take that next breath that would begin to fill them with water. I had to hear him out. This last conversation with my Edward seemed to be significant somehow.
You don't want me. You said that to me, Edward. I shouted in my mind.
Would you have given up so easily if you had known the truth? How many times had I told you that my leaving was the best thing for you?
I don't know why but I had locked this truth away in the dark corner of my mind. I was afraid that this was true. That Edward would leave me while loving me. I wanted to scream as my brain forced me to see it.
My mind drifted to the cafeteria the first time we ate lunch together, I heard his exquisite velvet voice speaking to me and my eyes closed to relieve the moment.
"Don't you see? That proves me right. I care the most, because if I can do it" - he shook his head seeming to struggle with the thought- "if leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."
I shook my head trying to fight what my brain was telling me, I couldn't deal with this reality. It was a futile attempt because as soon as I sealed away the cafeteria scene my first afternoon in the meadow with Edward began to solidify in its place.
"I should have left long ago" he sighed. I should leave now. But I don't know if I can."
"I don't want you to leave" I mumbled pathetically, staring down again.
"Which is exactly why I should. But don't worry. I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should."
The scene changed again. I was looking up at him from my hospital bed in Phoenix.
No! No more, please.
I couldn't do this; I couldn't spend my last seconds on earth learning that I had been completely wrong. Edward loves me. He was just protecting me and now I would never see him again, never yell at him for leaving me; it was too much to bear. I gave up; I had no more will to fight. I stopped moving, and took a breath.
My eyes popped opened just before I lost consciousness; I saw the most beautiful vision it was so clear, so perfect. I found that I was welcoming death as long as I could see this picture forever.
I had subliminally stored Edward away in my mind. I had been saving him for this
moment, my last vision in this life. The blackness overtook my as he smiled my favorite crooked smile.
I jerked awake, suddenly. I was choking and my lungs were burning. Something incredibly hard was slamming solidly into my back. I still in the cold darkness but something unbearable hot was wrapped around my waist pulling me down further away from Edward.
I couldn't understand the bubbles that were floating by me. Were all of those coming from me? Why wasn't I dead yet? I couldn't be with Edward anywhere else. I just wanted to be alone here in the comforting dark cold embrace of my vampire love.
When my head broke the surface I was disoriented. I heard a distance voice calling my name but couldn't make out the person that it belonged to over the ragged beating of my heart and the sharp burning breaths that I was raking down my raw throat.
Out of no where water began to gush from my mouth, the salt burned my unbelievably dry throat. My lungs ache and felt too full of water to catch a full deep breath that they so desperately needed. And to add to my pain the solid mass was still pounding into my back.
Amazingly I was managing to stay afloat as the hot lead bar wrapped around my waist again and the current began pushing me backward through the swirling water around me. I couldn't see anything but water everywhere; I was just waiting to be pulled back under.
"Breathe! Please Bella, breathe!" a voice ordered over the roar of the ocean and I felt a mercilessly agonizing pain rip through me because it Jacob. Edward's voice had left me just like he had.
I tried but found that I couldn't comply. The salty liquid spewing from my mouth didn't stop long enough for me to catch a decent breath. The icy water filled my chest every time I tried to inhale burning, my throat. For one wild second I wondered if this was what Edward's thirst felt like.
The hard thing smacked my back again, right between my shoulder blades, and more water choked its way back out of my battered lungs.
"Breathe, Bella! C'mon, I need you to help me here!" Jacob begged.
Black spots bloomed across my vision; my mind began rejoicing as my delusion of Edward began to fill the dark space again.
The hard mass hit me again. I frowned as it jolted me back into consciousness away from the only Edward I still had left.
The thing wasn't at all cold like it should be since it was here in the freezing Pacific. It was very hot against my back; I understood in that moment, the mass was Jacob's hand. He had been trying to beat the water from my lungs.
"Bella?" Jacob pleaded, his voice was tense and he was shaking violently. "Bella, wake up Bella. Please Bella? Can you hear me?"
I contemplated how to open my eyes or speak to reassure him that I was in fact still alive but couldn't quite muster p the energy to do so at the moment.
"How long has she been out?" a new voice asked quietly.
The voice that was not Jacob's jarred me into awareness. I felt myself struggling to regain my composure; I didn't want anyone worrying about me.
I came to the conclusion that I was on dry land as there was no tug of the current on me. The surface under me was flat and I felt the grainy texture of sand against my arms.
"I'm not sure, a few minutes maybe? It didn't take very long to pull her up to the surface" Jake was still frantic, I knew I had to find a way to console my best friend.
I forced a deep breath through clenched teeth. The pain was pure fire. It felt as if I had shoved a hot poker down my throat and into my lungs but I was breathing.
And I was freezing all of a sudden. Sharp, icy pellets of something were striking my face and arms, making the feeling worse.
I tried to open my eyes but the stung so bad that I could only blink them once before the salt and sand forced me to keep them closed. I opened my mouth to call Jake's name to let him know that I was okay but what escaped caused a sob to rack through my quivering body.
"E-Edward?" I croaked. Evidently my mind wanted the illusion it had created to return.
"No Bells, it just me" Jake's voice sounded so hurt.
"Are you hurt?" Sam asked and it brought back memories of the night he found me and I began to gasp for air. The difference in what he had been asking then was completely visible now; he had been asking me if Edward had hurt me, physically. Don't they know he would never do that?
I couldn't speak to respond so I just nodded. The motion causing me to feel slightly nauseous.
Sam left me to Jake's care saying that he had to get back to the hospital. I tried to be curious about why he would need to go there but I was too consumed by thoughts of Edward.
The image of Edward smiling at me was seared into my heart and soul, and I remembered my epiphany from before. My head swirled with the memories that proved he left for me. My heart soared with the hope that he still loved me.
"Bella? You still with me?" Jake asked as he lifted me from the sand and began to head towards the road.
"Yeah, how'd you know where to find me?" I rasped as I cracked my eyes open taking in my surroundings. I couldn't get them to clearly focus at all.
"I followed the truck's tire tracks until they ended and then I followed your scent." I began to tremble, not that long ago someone else had admitted to following my scent to save me from a horrible fate. That memory was not one I wanted to visit right now.
"Oh, okay," I coughed, "Thanks for being here."
"No problem, Bells. Just do me a favor and wait until I can go with you before you do something this dangerous again." He gave me a stern look that melted into a small smile when I managed to focus my eyes on him.
"Sam said he was going to the hospital, who is hurt?" I began to panic thinking that they might have found Victoria.
It's Harry Clearwater he had a heart attack this morning."
"Is he going to be okay? Does my dad know?" My voice was so hoarse I wasn't sure how he was hearing and understanding me.
"Charlie knows and he's at the hospital with my dad. They're trying to comfort Sue; it doesn't look too good right now." His voice sounded ancient and sad.
We were quiet the rest o the walk back to his house. He laid me on the couch and went to find so dry clothes for me to wear. I changed in to a pair of sweats that were so large that I had to roll the waist three times just to get them to stay up on my hips and a t-shirt that went past my knees. We sat together on the sofa and I felt myself begin to drift off to sleep just as I heard Jake yawn. I guess it would be a nap for two then.
For the most part I slept without dreaming but my mind demanded that I relive the underwater moments that I had spent with Edward. Over and over I was sucked into the same moments, moments that Edward told me that he would leave no matter what it cost him to keep my safe. I was jolted awake as I heard his velvet voice saying the words that made all of the pain worth it.
"I love you, Bella."
Jacob was still asleep, thankfully; he had a way of guess what was going on in my head and I need time alone to plan.
I was parched. I needed a drink so I hauled myself up from the sofa to get a glass of water. I made my self a glass of water and started pacing the kitchen trying to hash out how I was going to go about this.
I knew that I had no chance of finding him without help but I didn't know who would help or how to ask for it. I didn't think that Jake would help me, best friend or not, I couldn't see him tracking down my wayward vampire.
I was determined to find him. I would show him that his leaving didn't help anything. I would make him see that I needed him to se safe and happy.
Would Alice see my decision to track them down? If so would she try to help me or would she use her gift to keep me from ever finding them? I couldn't be sure so I decided that I wouldn't make any firm decisions just in case.
I settled back into the couch with my newly refilled glass of water and began to let myself make plans. I needed answers and Edward owed it to me to give them.
Maybe I would go to Denali? I knew that The Cullen's had family there. I wondered if Tanya and her sisters would help me. I might go there or I could, hmm, I could Google Carlisle. He had to be working at a hospital somewhere and hopefully it would be on the internet. Or I could ask Jake and the pack to help me? Okay the last one was reaching but I think it's enough to throw Alice off if she's watching me.
My thoughts were plans were interrupted by the sounds of a car coming down the gravel drive outside. I could hear Sam and Billy whispering but couldn't make out the words.
Jake woke up when the door creaked open. The grief on his father's face caused him to let out a strangled sob. He hurried to his side wrapping his massive arms around him.
They were holding each other, whispering words of comfort to one another. I felt like I was intruding on their private moment and Sam agreed with me it seemed.
He excused himself saying that he needed to return to the hospital.
"Charlie?" I gasped when I realized that my father would probably be just as distraught as Billy.
"He's at the hospital with Sue and the kids. He'll probably be a while. He's helping her with the arrangements." Billy's eyes were red and puffy as they surveyed the room.
Sam ducked hastily out the door but not before I saw a tear trail down his cheek.
Billy pulled away from Jake, pushing himself towards the kitchen.
Jake watched him until he was out sight then he turned to me with an appraising look. He seemed to not like what he found because he groaned throwing himself down in the space beside me on the couch.
"Don't worry about me, I'm fine" I croaked knowing what he was going to say.
"Sure, sure. I'm going to go get your truck. I'm sure you want to be home when Charlie gets back."
I sat on the couch trying to decide what my next step was without really deciding but the pounding in my head and the worry over Charlie was keeping from concentrating properly. The roar of my truck coming up the road broke the silence unexpectedly causing me to jump.
Jake helped me stand and walked with me to the truck keeping his arm around my waist to keep my stable. He led me to the passenger door and I turned to glare at him. I was more than capable of driving myself.
"You almost drown today Bella, humor me?" I heard an echo of Edward's voice saying those last three words and I almost lost it. I silently agreed and pulled myself up into the seat.
Jake was very important to me so I knew that I would have to tell him what I was planning. I would have to explain everything to him. Somehow, I would have to find the strength to voice my memories of the precious moments I had spent with Edward out loud so that he could understand why Edward had left me and hopefully agree to help me find him. I decided to tell him now since I wanted to get started on my hunting trip as soon as possible. I waited until he stopped the truck in front of my house before turning on the seat to face him.
"Jake, I need you" I began but was quickly quieted as he grabbed me and hugged me so tightly that I couldn't breathe.
"Me too Bells, me too. I'm just glad that you finally feel this too." He sighed lovingly in my ear.
Oh no! He had definitely misinterpreted what I was going to say. Jake pressed his warm cheek against the top of my hair.
"No, Jake, I'm so very sorry but I don't feel that way, please don't be angry." I would not mislead him like that. I suddenly felt guilty for all of the times that I had allowed him to hold my hand or wrap his arm around me to keep me warm. All of our friendly hugs now seemed way too intimate.
"I'm not mad Bella. I understand, really I do. I can be patient." He smiled sadly at me and I had the urge to hug him to comfort him. I couldn't though, it just seemed inappropriate now.
My heart lurched as I had the sudden horrible idea that Alice may have seen all of
those friendly gestures and things and passed them on to Edward. Would he think that I had betrayed him or our love? I had to get out of the truck. I could sit here any more.
"What were you going to say before, I acted like an idiot?" he smiled a weak rendition my Jacob's smile but I could see the pain in his eyes. I gave him a watery one in return.
"I was going to say that I need you to stay here for a while. I need to talk to you about something important. And you're not an idiot, Jake."
I opened the door, hoping to make my escape before I hurt him any deeper. A gush of cool air blew into the truck and a loud growl escaped Jacob's lips.
He reached over me and slammed the door. He turned the key in the ignition; his hands were shaking so hard I was afraid that he was going to phase.
"What did I do?" I was suddenly afraid of my werewolf friend. I had never seen a look of hatred and disgust so deep as the one that painted his face when he turned to look at me.
"Nothing." he spat.
"Then what's going on?" I demanded as he tore up the street as fast as my truck would allow.
'A fresh Vampire scent" he growled and I shrank back against the seat. Oh no! Victoria was at my house.
I could suppress the need to look back at the house just once before it was out of sight and when I did I gasped.
"Stop!" I cried breathlessly.
There was a black car parked on the curb across the street from my house. It was a car that I knew very well. I had run away from a vicious vampire in that car. It was Carlisle's car.
"What?" he asked harshly. He stared at me like I had grown a second head.
"Carlisle's car is at my house. Alice must have seen my decision. Don't you see she's sent someone to help me?" The smile on my face was so large that it made my cheeks ache. Alice still loved me too. She was here to help me find Edward.
"There is a vampire waiting for you in your house and you want to go visit with it," Jacob hissed.
"Of course, why wouldn't I?" I said, my voice filled with surprise that he'd even ask that. Hadn't he seen me these months without my family? Of course I wanted to go back.
"Are you sure Bella?" Anger and betrayal flashed across his face when I nodded enthusiastically and he took a deep breath to stop his tremors. He looked at me with deep agonized eyes.
"Okay if you're sure then I'll just be going. I can't be in the room with a leech and not kill it" He sneered and jumped from the truck running full speed for the trees.
I was filled with remorse for the pain I had just caused my best friend but I couldn't quite bring myself to call out for him. I had to get back to my house. I had to see who Alice had sent me, or if she had come herself. The thought of having my sister back got me moving. I pulled myself over to the driver's seat and returned to my house.
I wanted to call out a greeting, to hear the melodic voice of whoever was in the house but my throat was too dry and I couldn't quite catch my breath. I was filled with an anxious excitement.
I turned the door knob and stepped into the house feeling along the wall for the light switch. The room was suddenly illuminated when A figure at the other end of the hall flicked the switch there. I gasped when I saw the person standing there. I flung myself across the tiny entry way and into the arms of my sister.