"What are we doing here anyway?" Suzy said to her boyfriend Ray. The two teenagers had been sitting for several minutes in Ray's grumbling rusted pick-up , parked in front of a convenience store just off the freeway.
"I bought The Clapper for my grandmother Christmas before last," he said, showing her the shrinkwrapped package. "She never even took it out of the box. So I put it up on Craig's List and some guy is meeting me here to buy it. He's giving me ten bucks for it. There he is now ..."
Ray jumped out of the truck and returned a few moments later.
"What's wrong?" he asked Suzy, who was looking into the passenger side rear-view.
"That cop was parked behind us the whole time idling, and as soon you gave that guy the Clapper, the cop drove away."
"He probably thought I was making a drug deal," Ray mused.
Suzy laughed., "It's a good thing you weren't hiding drugs inside the Clapper!"
Ray laughed for a moment, but then his face turned serious as the light bulb went off above his head.
A month later, Ray pulled into the same parking spot, only this time he was driving an expensive sports car.
Within a few moments, a black limousine pulled up alongside the car. Ray had been expecting them and jumped out to meet them.
Ray was dressed in designer clothes and wore an expensive watch, rings, and a gold chain.
Ray pointed and clicked at the police officers who were watching him through the rear-view.
"Aw, go on you crazy kids!" said Officer Smith, a cop of 20 years, to his rookie partner, Officer Johnson.
"Hey Smith, I don't want to step on your toes, but I'm starting to think this kid might be selling drugs ..."
"Tell you what Johnson, how about I do the thinking? How's that? Does that work for you?"
Johnson leered angrily at Smith as they pulled out of the lot.
The door to the black limousine opened as Ray approached.
"Hey guys, here's your 8-track tapes. Don't give any to your children," he said winking.
The thug in the back seat took one of the tapes and handed it to a suited man who sat next to him. Suit tipped Gordon Lightfoot's Greatest Hits upside down, letting a bit of cocaine fall onto his fingertips.
"Hey boss, you really shouldn't do that," the thug said. "That stuff could be cyanide for all you know."
"How about I do the thinking?" the boss shot back. "It's good. You know what to do."
Suddenly the thug drew a gun on Ray, and another armed thug jumped out of the passenger side and pushed Ray into the car.
"What's going on?" Ray said nervously.
"You picked the wrong neighborhood," Suit said. "This is our turf. My boss wants to have a word with you."
The door was slammed behind Ray as the other thug jumped back in the front passenger side as the limousine squealed away.
"Here you go Billy," B.A. said, as he wheeled Billy's bike out the front door of the Youth Center. "It's all fixed up, good as new."
"It looks great, B.A.!" Billy said as he eyed the bike, which had been painted shiny black with a red tires and red stripe along the bike frame.
"Yeah," B.A. nodded, "I added a steel reinforced frame and titanium alloy rims. It's real tough now. Ain't no bullies gonna mess up this bike. And they ain't gonna steal it either." B.A. pulled out a key fob and pointed at the bike, making it blip as the alarm was turned off.
"Thanks B.A.! How'd you get so good at fixing things?"
"You heard of Mr. Goodwrench?"
"Well I'm Mr. Badwrench. Now go play."
"B.A., how much longer is this gonna take?" Hannibal said as he strolled along the sidewalk in front of the Center, puffing on a cigar. "The producer of 'Aquamaniac 5' got me a me a meeting with the Second Assistant Director of 'Zombie Nightmare' who's doing a re-make of 'Monster-A-Go-Go'. I've got to meet Face to scam a limo. He'll never believe a big movie star drives a Chevy van."
"You better quit bad-mouthin' my van, or you gonna be walkin'! I'd be done right now if Murdock had wiped down these windows. Where is that fool?"
B.A. rubbed away a circle of dirt from the window, and cupped his hands over his eyes and squinted as he peered into the Youth Center. He grunted as he saw Murdock playing a video game.
"This what you been doin' all this time?" B.A. shouted as he stormed into the Center.
"B.A. please do not distract me," Murdock said. "I've developed an infallible formula that involves circumnavigating the hypotenuse of the collateral plane!"
"I ain't gettin' on no plane!"
"Please B.A., defeating this game requires my full-"
Murdock gasped as B.A. pulled the plug on the machine.
"What have you done!"
"I ain't done nothin' yet," B.A. growled. "You better get out there and finish those windows, or it's gonna be Game Over for Good!"
B.A. threw Murdock's gangly frame out the front door of the Youth Center, then marched out close behind.
"Nice hair-do!" somebody shouted at B.A. from the street. B.A. turned to see two teenagers laughing at him. "Did you get in a fight with a lawnmower?" said the one driving, but while he was distracted by B.A.'s hair, he failed to see the red light and the car thudded to a halt as he got into a fender bender.
"Yeah, I did," B.A. replied as he walked out to the street "And I won, sucka!"
B.A. disappeared into the street. Grunts and bangs were heard for a few moments before B.A. returned with an offending teenager under each arm.
"Hey Murdock, you got some help," B.A. throwing them to the ground. "These fools just volunteered!"
"Come on B.A.," Hannibal said, "we'd better go check on the other driver."
"Good idea", B.A. said, still glowering at the teens. "When I come back, I wanna see my face in it!"
Hannibal cursed his luck when the driver of other vehicle turned out to be Suzy.
"Hey, aren't you Mr. Lee from the laundry?"
B.A. shook his head. "Hannibal, those disguises never work!"
"You're Hannibal Smith?" Suzy said.
"Nice, B.A. Well, now that our cover's blown, you might as well tell us why you're looking for the A-Team."
"It's my boyfriend Ray," she said. "A few days ago, he left to make a drug deal and never returned."
"A drug deal?" Hannibal said. "Buying or selling?"
"Selling," she said.
"Hey man," B.A. interjected, "We ain't goin' after no drug dealer!"
"You don't understand," she said. "Ray's a good kid, just not very bright. He's never done anything like this before. He just thought he could make a few bucks."
"Do you have any idea who would have wanted to harm Ray?" Hannibal asked.
"I don't know, but I've asked around, and some of friends think he might have crossed paths with some even worse criminals."
"It's a tough call," Hannibal said. "What do you think, B.A.?"
"Only thing I hate worse than a drug dealer is a bully drug dealer. I've seen a lot of kids acting like fools," B.A. said, glancing at the teens who'd started to slack off but immediately went back to work when they saw B.A. "But I manage to straighten 'em out. I say we give the kid a chance."
"Maybe rid this neighborhood of some nose candy in the process. Kill two birds with one stone."
B.A. nodded. "Let's see how these dudes like my fist up they nose!"
"Hey B.A.," said a voice from behind. B.A. turned to see Billy on his bike. "I thought you said it was wrong to hate people?"
"Come here Billy," B.A. said, getting down on one knee. "You got it all wrong. If you hate someone, it means you afraid. B.A. Baracus ain't afraid of nobody. I just pity the fools."
"Pity them? Why?"
"Because they 'bout to be in a whole, whole lotta pain."
Hannibal grinned. "Congratulations. You just hired the A-Team."
A few moments later, B.A., Hannibal and Suzy walked back to the front of the youth center, just in time to see a black limo pull up. Face got out of the driver's side.
"Hannibal, I hope you get this part, because you wouldn't believe what I had to do to-"
"We just took on a job. But I think this young lady could use a lift." He turned to Suzy. "We'll be in touch."
Face gave her a plastic smile as he opened the door for her, leering at Hannibal.
"If it makes you feel any better Face," he said, looking the limo up and down, "it's a beaut."
"Thanks," Face said irritatedly.
"Come on Face. Service with a smile!"
When the blindfold was finally taken off of Ray's face, he found himself in blaring daylight, in a beat-up jeep driving through a jungle with three armed men in camouflage.
"Where am I?" Ray said.
"You are on a small island off the coast of South America," said the man sitting next to him. "It is owned by Pedro Esteban, the international drug dealer."
"What does he want with me?" Ray said.
"That is not my concern," the man said. "But I suggest you sit back and enjoy the ride. It could be your last."
Ray looked off into the distance.
"Those mountains are beautiful."
"Those are not mountains, senor. That is cocaine."
"Excuse me," the elderly man said to the teenager who leaned up against a phone booth. "I need to use the phone."
"Sorry old man, I'm waiting for a call."
B.A. walked around from the other side of the phone booth and got in the kid's face. "Not anymore. Beat it."
Shortly after the kid walked away, the phone rang. "Hang tight, Pops," B.A. said to the old man. "I gotta take this one."
A few minutes later, B.A. returned to the van which had been parked nearby.
"Did you set up the buy?" Hannibal asked.
"Yeah. In a real rough neighborhood."
"It's about to get a lot rougher," Hannibal said, grinning evilly.
"You are no doubt wondering why I have summoned for you," Pedro said, glaring at Ray through his amber aviator Ray-Ban's.
"The question had crossed my mind" Ray replied nervously.
"True, to look around at this island paradise, you would not think Pedro Esteban to be a man who is concerned with trivialities. You would be very mistaken, however. Note, for example, the fact that I require all my men to carry eh ... how you say .... Franklin Planners?" The men all took out their Franklin Planners in unison to drive home the point. "They store phone numbers, and addresses ... they are quite handy! They keep small problems from becoming bigger ones ... do you see what I'm getting at?"
"I don't think so."
"Of course it is no threat to me for one American teen to sell cocaine-filled 8-tracks out of his trunk. The problem is when it becomes two or three or four. Soon they get together with the wine and the women and the rap music, and they are telling Pedro Esteban to go elsewhere. Soon Pedro Esteban is back working the bean fields. This cannot be! It therefore falls to me to protect my country's chief export!"
"Mr. Esteban, I see your point now. Ray has parted ways with the cocaine business, and if you'll only send me to back to the US, I'll leave Los Angeles and never come back."
"Ah in theory what you say in plausible, but it leaves much to the imagination. The death that my men can provide will be far more agonizing than anything you or your friends can imagine. I therefore must set an example of you," he said, shrugging helplessly as he sipped his iced tea. "You should try the tea. Earl Gray. It relieves the stress ... so they say ..."
B.A. emerged from the darkness to meet the dealer who was patiently waiting for him.
"I got the stuff," he said. "You got the money?"
"Keep it fool," B.A. said, "You gonna need it!"
"Oh yeah?" the Dealer replied angrily as he pulled out a gun.
"Drop it!" Hannibal's voice said as he emerged from the darkness with his pistol drawn, Face and Murdock close behind. Hannibal flashed a photo of Ray. "You seen this kid?"
"You'll never get me to talk," the Dealer said. "I eat pigs like you for breakfast."
"B.A., put this guy to bed," Hannibal said.
The Dealer was knocked out cold by B.A.'s punch.
He woke up groggily some time later to find that he was tied to a railroad track. B.A.'s knuckle ring had left the word "sucka" imprinted on his forehead.
"What's going on?" the Dealer asked.
A train was heard approaching in the distance.
"Figured it out yet?" said Hannibal, lighting a cigar.
"You people are crazy!" the Dealer said.
"That's not a word we choose to use here," Murdock said in a cartoonish voice.
The train was heard again, getting closer.
"Get me outta here!" the Dealer said.
"What he did say Hannibal," Face mused, "pigs for breakfast?"
"You better lose your appetite quick," Hannibal said to the Dealer. "Or else we're gonna leave you to the 200 ton judge and jury."
"I don't know what happened to the kid!" the Dealer screamed. "The guy I work for, he knows!"
"Where he is he?"
"He's at a hotel!"
"Casa Del Mar! Now get me outta here!"
As the train's headlight came closer and closer, the Dealer closed his eyes and braced for death. When he opened his eyes again, he saw B.A. walk past him, carrying a flashlight and a tape recorder playing train sounds. B.A. shook his head. "Suckas fall for it every time."
A short time later, the black van rolled up to the entrance of the Casa Del Mar. Atop the van was a lit sign which read "Ho-Lee-Chow! Chinese Delivery."
"Man, how long you gonna keep up with this 'Mr. Lee' rap?" B.A. asked Hannibal. "Ain't nobody gonna believe this dude run a laundry and a restaurant!"
"It's not a restaurant, B.A. It's take-out only. It practically runs itself."
"This plan better work, or I'm-a take you out."
Hannibal stepped out of the van carrying take-out boxes. "Confucius say, 'He who wants fortune must break open a few cookies.' " He grinned mischievously as he closed the door behind him.
Inside the hotel, Hannibal walked down a hallway carrying the food.
He knocked at the door of a room.
Inside, thugs jumped up like wasps to block the view of mirrors and triple beam scales from the doorway. The door opened, and a thug leered at Hannibal, looking him up and down.
"Who are you?"
"Chinese delivery," Hannibal said, smiling.
"We didn't order Chinese," the thug answered.
"This is the luxury suite at the Casa Del Mar, isn't it?"
"This hotel doesn't have any suites."
Suddenly the van crashed through the wall at the opposite end of the room.
"It does now," said Hannibal, as he laid the thug out with a wicked right hook.
As B.A. jumped out of the driver's side one of the thugs tried to aim a pistol at B.A. with his right hand, but B.A. blocked the pistol hand with his left arm, then punched the thug in the stomach with his right. The thug fell into B.A.s right arm in pain and dropped the pistol. B.A. then lifted him and threw him across the room, where he landed on a glass cart bearing a plate of chilled shrimp and bottles of champagne. The cart and its contents shattered under the thug's weight.
Another thug turned to fire a sawed-off shotgun on B.A., but Murdock stepped on a low coffeetable and used it to spring himself into the air, then land on the thug tackling him and pinning to the ground before he could take a shot. The thug tried to aim the shotgun at Murdock with his right arm but Murdock wrested the gun from his arm then hit the thug in the head with the butt of the rifle, knocking him out.
Face tried a similar move when he saw a thug aim a rifle at Hannibal, but instead of falling over, the large, muscular thug remained standing, while Face clung to his back, with his arms around his neck, waiting in vain for the thug to fall down. The thug dropped his weapon, then grabbed one of faces arms with both hands, and flipped him forward against a bookshelf, knocking it over onto Face.
"Hey!" B.A.'s angry voice shouted from behind. The muscular thug turned to face B.A. "Pick on someone your own size, sucka!"
The muscular thug took a swing. B.A.'s head turned at the impact of the punch, but was otherwise unaffected, save a growing anger.
"My turn!" B.A. grunted. He grabbed the thug with both hands and threw him out a window.
The thug landed in a swimming pool outside where guests were lounging.
Two more thugs emerged from behind a bar and started to fire pistols on Hannibal.
Hannibal reached inside one of the takeout bags and pulled out a rice-covered uzi, unloading a barrage of bullets.
"Out from behind the bar," Hannibal said. "Hands where I can see 'em."
The men walked out from behind the bar, stepping around broken glass.
"Now," said Hannibal, as he lit a cigar, "I want to talk to the slug in charge. We're looking for a kid named Ray. Some of your goons sent him off on the banana boat. We want to know where."
"Los Monjes," said the Man in Charge. "It's a small island off the coast of Columbia. It's the home of Pedro Esteban. He runs the whole operation."
"There now," Face said, brushing dust off his suit as he got up from the pile of books. "That wasn't so hard!"
"I would love to see you try to breach his island," the Man in Charge said. "You don't stand a chance. His mansion is like a fortress and he has a private army to protect it."
"He's gonna need it," Hannibal said, following the others back to the van. "Oh, and let me give you a tip." Hannibal opened fire on a table of drugs and equipment, sending clouds of white dust into the vicinity. "If you want to powder noses in this neighborhood, you better work for the Avon Lady. Otherwise we'll be back. And we won't go so easy on you next time."
Hannibal jumped into the side door and the van quickly backed out the same way it came in, the ride tires spitting drywall into the thugs' faces. It hit the pavement outside and squealed away.
The next day, Hannibal waited outside a closed phone booth while Face made his phone call. B.A. was out of earshot filling the van with gas.
"Well?" Hannibal asked as Face stepped out of the booth.
"All set," Face said. "They're sending me a charter plane."
"Who's sending it?"
"A sugar factory in Honolulu. They have an opening in Logistics and want to fly me in for an interview."
"Honolulu, huh?" Hannibal said. "Must be a sea plane. Sounds perfect. How long before it gets here?"
"The flight should arrive in a couple of hours," Face said.
"Perfect," Hannibal said. "I slipped a sedative into B.A.'s milk. It takes a while to kick in. We should just have enough time to get to the plane before B.A. goes beddy-bye. Now what about Murdock?"
"Murdock's meeting us at the ..." he saw B.A. approach. "... cruise ship. All inclusive! What do you say, B.A., up for some shuffleboard?"
"I'm-a shuffle your teeth if you suckas try to get me on a aeroplane."
"We're on kind of a tight schedule," Face said to B.A., "so you might want to take the freeway."
"Forget it, Faceman! Not after what happened last time!"
"B.A., we don't reallly know our way around this part of town too well," Hannibal said. "And frankly, this isn't a part of town we want to get lost in."
"I got somethin' new," B.A. said. "I don't have to rely on you suckas for di-rections no more!"
B.A. pressed a button on the cieling.
"Onstar Center, this is a Jerry," said a raspy voice through the radio. "How may I help you, Mr. Barcudis?"
"It's Baracus, fool! We need di-rections! Face, give him the address ..."
Face read off the address, and although Jerry sounded confident enough, Hannibal began to notice that they were going in circles.
"B.A., that's the third time we've passed that restaurant. I think Jerry's taking us for a ride if you know what I mean."
"Hey man, this a fine built GMC product! If Jerry says that's the way to go, that's the way we goin'!"
"Turn right at the next intersection," Jerry said.
B.A. turned right, but the street quickly came to a halt at a brick wall in an alleyway.
"Hey Jerry, what's goin' on, sucka? This a dead end!"
Meanwhile, at the Onstar Center, Col. Decker put his hand on Jerry's shoulder. "Nice work, son. We've got them right where we want 'em."
Two MPs pulled into the alleyway behind the van, blocking their exit.
"This is Colonel Decker," came the familiar voice through the speakers. "We've got you surrounded! Come out with your hands up!"
"What?" B.A. shouted angrily. "Man, I'm-a go back that dealership, find the sucka that sold me this Onstar, turn him upside down, and shake the money out his pocket that I paid for this thing!"
"You've got 30 seconds to come out Smith," Decker said through the speakers, "or we're coming in!"
"All right, here's what we're gonna do," Hannibal said. "B.A., when I give the word, you put it in reverse and floor it."
"What? And crash into those Jeeps? You crazier than Murdock!"
"We're not gonna crash into the Jeeps, B.A. We're just gonna shake 'em up a bit. When I give the word, you slam on the brakes. Face, you open the back door and open fire. We'll keep 'em on the run just long enough to steal one of their Jeeps, and we'll be on our way."
"That's the worst plan I ever heard!"
"Are you kidding? It's the Reverse Frontal Assault! It's a classic!"
At the entrance to the alley, Captain Crane turned to his men. "Time's up. Let's move!"
They stopped when they heard the van rev up and suddenly tear into reverse, smoke billowing from its red tires.
"All right B.A.," Hannibal said, "hit the brakes! ... B.A.?"
Hannibal looked over to see that B.A.'s tranquilizer had finally taken effect. B.A.'s head fell forward onto the horn, and the van swerved erratically.
The MPs jumped out of the way as Hannibal had predicted, but the Jeeps were still in the way. The bulk of the van was enough to plow through the Jeeps, but the damaged rear end caused it to swerve even more erratically until it crashed through a barricade into the harbor.
A few yards away, Face and Hannibal bobbed their heads above the water, keeping B.A. afloat as well.
"We can't hold him much longer," Hannibal gasped. "We've got to ditch the gold!"
"You really are crazy!" Face said. "You want to sink his van, his gold, and put him on a plane? Why don't you just kill me now!"
"Yarrr, mateys!" cried Murdock's voice, and they turned to sea the sea plane approaching as it sputtered to life. "The Captain made ye walk the plank, did he? Sent you down to Davy Jones' locker?"
"Murdock," Hannibal gasped, "Why don't you pull us onto the Jolly Roger before we all wind up in Uncle Sam's locker."
Murdock quickly helped them onto the plane and closed the door behind them. Coast Guard vessels approached and opened fire on the sea plane as it was taking off, but it was too little, too late, and the plane quickly disappeared into the skies.
"Hurry up," Hannibal said, holding a Polaroid in front of B.A.'s sleeping face, while Face put pair of joke glasses with a plastic nose over B.A.'s face. "I gave B.A. just enough sedative to last him the trip. If he wakes up before I take the picture, the bet's off."
Suddenly the plane hit a patch of turbulence, and B.A. awoke. "What's goin' on? He shouted angrily, as he ripped the joke glasses off.
"Now B.A.," Hannibal said, "Just relax, we can explain everything ..."
"Where are we?" B.A. said, looking around frantically. "We on a plane! We on a plane!"
"B.A., would you relax?" Hannibal said, as he tried to put a reassuring hand on B.A.'s shoulder, but B.A. almost knocked Hannibal and Face to the floor as he jumped out of his seat and ran down the aisle toward the cockpit.
"Who's flyin' this thing?" he said as he ran into the cockpit. "Murdock?"
"These things don't fly themselves you know!" Murdock answered dejectedly.
"I'm gettin' outta here!" B.A. said, grabbing the cabin door.
"No!" Face and Hannibal shouted in unison as B.A. opened the cabin door, and objects began to be sucked out as the cabin started to depressurize. Hannibal and Face had to restrain B.A. from jumping out. The air pressure tugged his gold chains toward the door.
"Let me go!" B.A. said.
"I can barely hold him!" Face shouted.
"I told you I ain't flyin', and you put me on a plane! With that fool Murdock!"
"B.A., you can't jump out of the plane!" Hannibal shouted. "You'll be killed!"
"We all gonna be killed if we don't close that cabin door!" Face said.
Hannibal pulled the door shut.
"What's goin' on in here?" Murdock said. "We're losing altitude!"
"B.A. opened the cabin door," Hannibal said.
"B.A., are you crazy? You're lucky we weren't all sucked out of the plane!"
"Only sucka around here is you!" B.A. shouted.
"Well you got your wish, Big Guy, 'cause this plane's goin' down! Fortunately, these seat cushions are floatation devices."
"Murdock, this is a sea plane!" Face said frantically.
"And we're not over water!" Hannibal said.
"And you ain't in the cockpit, fool!" B.A. shouted.
"Everyone relax!" Murdock said in a faux hero voice as he turned back to the cockpit. "I've never met a plane I couldn't crash!"
"We're dead," Face said matter-of-factly.
"You better hope we die," B.A. said. "Cuz if we don't, I'm-a kill you!"
Murdock did his best to hold onto the controls as the plane descended into a maelstrom of jungle limbs. Finally there was the force of impact and the plane skid wildly but friction eventually brought it to a halt. Murdock had ducked for cover, but now slowly peeked his head above the control panel to look out the window. His eyes darted around nervously, but when he realized the plane had actually stopped, he picked up the microphone.
"Ladies and Gentlemen," Murdock said a calmly, "Welcome to Columbia. Local time is 0-800 hours. Please use caution when opening the overhead bins, as heavy articles may have shifted around during the flight. Thank for you flying Air Murdock," he said as he turned around to check on ther others, "and have a nice ... uh oh ..." He turned around to see only jungle. In the crash the cockpit had been seperated from the cabin, and he could not see the rest of the plane.
Inside the cabin, B.A. was the first to his feet, while Hannibal and Murdock groggily followed.
"It's stuck!" B.A. said, trying to open the cabin door.
"It must have been damaged," Hannibal said. "Maybe we can try another exit.
"I'm gettin' outta here now!" B.A. said growled.
Outside the plane, B.A.'s muscular arm punched through the metal door, and his hand groped around for the outside handle. He managed to turn it and the hatch opened.
"It's open now," B.A. said, as he stepped out of the door. "I'll see you suckas lateRRRRRRrrrr ..." His voice echoed off, and a distant thud was heard.
Hannibal ran to the door and looked out to see that the cabin had actually gotten stuck in a tall tree, and B.A. had stepped out into thin air and fallen down to the ground below.
"I guess he should have waited for the jetway," Face said.
"That's the last of it," B.A. said to Hannibal, as he, Face and Murdock set down a box of ammo retrieved from the plane.
"Of course," Face said, "we've still got the problem of the plane up in the tree. It doesn't do much for our covert operation."
"Exactly," Hannibal said. "It's the perfect bait. All we have to do is set a trap."
B.A. shook his head. "He's on the jazz."
A jeep full of Esteban's men rolled to a stop when he saw some broken tree limbs in the road.
"The plane can't be far from here," the Leader said. "Spread out and stay low. Maintain radio contact. Go!"
They disappeared into the jungle.
B.A. stopped for a break from digging the hole that he and Face had been working on.
"Hey Hannibal! How much longer we gotta dig this hole, man? We ain't got all day!"
"It'd be a lot quicker if we could find Murdock," Face said.
"I'm-a go find that sucka right now!" B.A. said.
A short distance from the crash site, B.A. came to a clearing in the jungle. He saw a vine with a coconut attached to it, and a sign that read "pull".
"What the ...?" B.A. said as he pulled the cord.
In a crudely built treehouse cabana high above, Murdock leaned back in a chaise lounge he had fashioned out of bamboo. A trained monkey fanned him with a palm branch while a trained parrot approached carrying an ice bucket in its beak. Murdock took out an ice cube and dropped it into a fruity drink.
When B.A. pulled the cord, a rock hit against a conch shell to let Murdock know he had a visitor. Murdock pick up the other end of the long vine and put the coconut to his ear. "Y'ello?"
"Whatchoo doin', sucka?" B.A. said angrily. "You supposed to be down here diggin' this hole!"
"Dig a hole?! B.A. I am the pilot of the this unit! I have to keep my strength up all times in case we need quick transportation out of the danger zone!"
"Transportation in what? You crashed our plane sucka!"
"B.A., there's no talking sense into you! I'm hanging up now."
Hannibal stood inside the hole inspecting it, while Face put a few branches to conceal it.
"Needs to be a litte deeper," Hannibal said. "How's it look from your end?"
"You can hardly tell it's there," Face said.
"I agree," said a voice from behind.
Face turned around to see one of Esteban's men with a machine gun pointed at him. Startled, he inadvertently stepped backward and fell into his own trap.
The conch shell had been ringing continuously since Murdock had 'hung up' on B.A.
Murdock finally sighed and got up to go to the trap door in the floor which opened into the cabana. He was about to yell a few more words to B.A. when he opened up the trap door to see that the ringing was actually from B.A. climbing up the vine. He had almost made it to the top.
"You dead meat, sucka!" B.A. shouted at Murdock.
Murdock slammed the trap door and place a crude bamboo deadbolt.
B.A.'s arm smashed through the door and slid back the deadbolt.
Murdock ran to the other side of the cabana and pulled a secret lever. Part of the cieling opened, and a rubber baloon started to inflate with helium above Murdock's head.
Just as B.A. broke his way through, Murdock, the monkey and the parrot started to float away on a crudely built gondola.
B.A. jumped up and grabbed the bottom of the gondola as it started to float away.
With B.A.'s added weight, however, the gondola struggled to stay in the air.
"B.A.! You've exceeded the weight capacity! You're pulling us down!"
"You've exceeded your life capacity, sucka!" B.A. shouted.
The four soldiers had almost made it back to Jeep, escorting Face and Hannibal with their hands behind their heads, when suddenly Murdock and B.A. fell from the sky onto two of the soldiers, tackling them to the ground.
The distraction startled the other two who were still standing, giving Hannibal and Face the jump on them. While the one of them wasn't looking, Hannibal punched him in the stomach with his left hand. The man dropped his weapon as he grabbed for his aching stomach and leaned toward his right. Hannibal laid him out with a punch across his right jaw.
While the other soldier wasn't looking, Face tried to grab the gun out of his hand, but he wasn't quite strong enough to wrest it away. They struggled with it for a moment before the frightened monkey from the gondola jumped onto the soldier's face. The soldier let go of the weapon to claw the monkey from his face, and Face knocked the soldier to the ground with the butt of the rifle.
Hannibal grabbed the other soldier's dropped machine gun, pointed it into the air and fired.
"Thanks for the warm welcome, amigos," he said tauntingly as he lit a cigar. "We'll tell your boss you made us feel right at home."
B.A. manuevered the Jeep through some foliage until they reached a spot where they could peer undetected over Esteban's estate. The four stepped out of the Jeep, wearing uniforms which they'd stolen from the guards. Hannibal carefully pushed down a branch to get a clear view. The others crouched nearby.
"Look," Hannibal said, pointing at a trail of men who were guiding donkeys which dragged large wagons loaded with beans.
"Coffee beans," Face said. "That must be how they're smuggling the stuff into the US."
"Right," Hannibal said. "And you can bet that when we get back, whoever's at the receiving end of that dope trail is going to be looking for Ray, and us. We need to shut this operation down for good."
After the soldiers back at the Estate hadn't heard back from the First Team, a Second Team was sent out to check on them. The Jeep skidded to a halt to find the first team tied up, dressed in their underclothes.
"A mohawked one fell from the sky!" one of them shouted.
"What?" the Second Team Leader, baffled.
Back at the Estate, the Chief nodded to to the Team Leader at the other end of the radio, then turned to his underlings. "They got the jump on the first team. They took their clothes, their guns and their Jeep. Spread out and search the perimeter. They can't have gotten far. Let's move!"
They split up into teams and drove off in separate directions.
Meanwhile, in a wing of Esteban's mansion which had been converted into a temperature-controlled warehouse, Hannibal, B.A., Face and Murdock emerged from underneath the piles of coffee beans in the wagons which had been left behind by some workers a few minutes before. They took off the oxygen masks which allowed them to remain under the beans undetected.
"It was a smart move to grab these oxygen masks off the plane, Murdock," Hannibal said.
"I'm just glad we didn't land someplace where we would have needed them," Face said.
"That's just what the airlines want you to think," Murdock said. "What they're really for is to make you a little light-headed on the way down. It helps take the edge off when your life starts flashing before your eyes, and you see that ground get closer and closer and-"
"Shut up, fool!" B.A. growled.
They heard footsteps coming from the entrance and they knew it was the workers returning. Hannibal motioned for the others to follow, and they quickly and quietly made their way to a door at the opposite end of the warehouse.
"We found their Jeep a short distance from the Estate," one of the soldiers reported to Estaban as he paced nervously back and forth behind his desk."
"They may already be inside," Esteban answered sternly. "Search the grounds."
The soldier nodded and rushed out of the office.
Esteban quickly walked to the door of a small anteroom. He opened the door to find B.A. pointing a machine gun at him.
"You lookin' for this, sucka?" B.A. said angrily.
"Quite a collection of guns you've got back there," said Hannibal, lighting a cigar while Face and Murdock stepped out behind him, each carrying a machine gun , flanking the Colonel on either side. "That must be some coffee, to need protection like this. What's your secret?"
"Who are you people?" Esteban said, glowering.
"We work for Juan Baldez," Hannibal mused. "He doesn't like you moving in on his turf."
"If you had a future, senor," he said, pushing a silent alarm button under his desk, "it would surely be in comedy."
"I've already got a crook for an agent. If you want to help me, you can tell me where you stashed the kid."
"And if I don't?"
"Then we're gonna dark roast this dump, one goon at a time. Starting with you."
"Don't worry," Esteban said grinning evilly. "You will join the boy soon enough."
At that moment, four of Esteban's men came through the door.
The four turned to face them but it was too late, Esteban's men had taken them by surprise.
"Drop the weapons!" the Leader said.
"Lock them up with the boy," Esteban said to his men. "Ready an execution squad. I want a camera to record their death as a warning to anyone else who wants to play the mercenary."
Esteban's men started to escort them away.
"Wait," Esteban said, pointing to B.A. "The mohawked one! I want his gold. A souvenir!"
One of the men started to move toward B.A.
"You want this gold, sucka?" B.A. said, eyeing the soldier up and down. "You better call for back-up!"
"This is my back-up!" said the soldier, waving an uzi.
He tried to reach for B.A.'s gold with his left hand, but B.A. right hand angrily caught the soldier's left hand. The soldier tried to fire at B.A. with the uzi with his right, but B.A. deflected the gunman's arm with his left hand, forcing the shots upward.
The shots shattered a crystal chandolier, and the other three soldiers ducked away from the falling glass.
When Murdock saw the nearest soldier's hands over his eyes to protect from the glass, he punched the soldier in the stomach. Murdock dodged the soldier as he dropped his weapon clutching his stomach, then Murdock cupped his hands and brought both arms down on the soldier's back, knocking him to the ground.
Face grabbed a vase and broke over the head of the soldier who stood nearest to him, but instead of knocking him out, the soldier merely glared at him angrily. Face instinctively smiled, thinking of how he might talk his way out, but the soldier quickly raised his machine gun and fired. Face ducked. A fish tank on the shelf behind him shattered, causing water to gush all over the soldier. The gushing water blinded the soldier just long enough for Face to tip the entire shelf onto the soldier, trapping him beneath it.
B.A. managed to rip the uzi away from the soldier he was fighting with. B.A. then picked up the soldier and threw him out a window.
The soldier fell down one story into the swimming pool.
While B.A.'s back was turned, the fourth soldier aimed a gun at him. Hannibal quickly stepped on a chair and used it to hurdle himself into the air and tackled the soldier to the ground. With the soldier pinned to the ground, Hannibal punched him out and took his machine gun.
Esteban had managed to slip away in the commotion.
"Come on!" Hannibal said to the others, as he went out into the hallway.
More soldiers rounded the hallway, but Hannibal provided cover fire as the Face, Murdock and B.A. made it out to the hallway and headed in the opposite direction.
They made their way down the hallway, and found themselves in a study with a door that opened to the outside.
"There's an exit," Face said.
"What about Ray?" Murdock said.
"We're not leaving without him," Hannibal said. "I just want them to think we're leaving. They'll walk right into our trap."
"That's what you said about the plane, sucka!" B.A. said.
"Don't worry," Hannibal said, "this plan is airtight ..."
A few moments later, Esteban arrived in the study, flanked by his men.
One of the men pointed at the door to the outside, which was partly open. "They've escaped! After them!"
"Wait," Esteban said, looking around the room. "Something's not right here ..." He noticed a spot on the wall there was less sunfaded then the surrounding area. His eyes darted to the opposite end of the room where there was a similarly proportioned bookcase. "Move that bookcase!"
The men moved the bookcase to reveal an open window.
"Very clever," Esteban said. "They wanted us to search for them on one side of the grounds, while they make their way to the other. We will let think we've fallen for their little ploy, and then-" A spot of plaster fell from the cieling onto Esteban's head. "What the ..." Another piece fell, then another, and suddenly part of the roof collapsed and the Team came crashing to the ground, a collapsed air duct all around them.
"Airtight, huh?" Face said to Hannibal as the guns were pointed at their heads.
Hannibal shrugged helplessly.
"I wonder if she'd even recognize me with this beard," Ray said to Hannibal and the others, who had been locked with Ray in a dark supply room. Ray looked into a tiny fragment of broken mirror and rubbed an almost invisible stubble of hair. B.A. shook his head and did a facepalm. "I think it's too late to help me now though," Ray said.
"If it were too late, we wouldn't be having this conversation."
"Hey guys," Murdock's voice echoed from the darkness at the opposite end of the room. "Check this out."
They followed the voice in the darkness until they came to a spot where Murdock held a match to see. He pointed to an old truck, tires flat, rusted and dilapidated from disuse.
"This thing's right out of Sanford and Son," Murdock said.
"Yeah," B.A. said, "'cause it belongs in a junkyard."
Hannibal held a match over the surrounding walls, and found old gardening equipment.
"B.A.," Hannibal asked, "Do you think you can get this truck running?"
"Hey man, if it's got wheels, I can fix it."
Hannibal grinned. "I think this place could use some landscaping."
B.A. nodded. "Let's do it."
As Esteban prepared his execution squad, the A-Team spent the precious time in a flurry of activity. Face grabbed a leaf-blower and unscrewed the motor casing. Murdock did the same with a nail gun. B.A. made a simple blowtorch out of an aerosol can and began welding sheet metal to the truck. Hannibal used a hacksaw to cut a metal pipe into small cannister-size pieces, then filled them with fuel-soaked fertilizer.
Esteban and his men approached the door to the supply room.
"I want to talk to Smith," Esteban said to one of his men.
The Soldier opened the door and stepped inside for a moment, then came back out with Smith at gunpoint, calmly enjoying a cigar.
"I could use some fine mercenaries," Esteban said to Smith. "Come to work for me, and I will spare your lives. The boy, however, is expendable."
"That's a generous offer," Smith said. "If you don't mind, I'd like to consult with my associates, in private."
"Very well," Esteban said. "You have sixty seconds."
Smith walked back into the supply room.
"Time is up, Smith!" Esteban said a few moments later. "What is your answer?"
The truck smashed through the wall, flattening it like cardboard. The rusted pickup had become an armor-plated war machine.
The soldiers opened fire on the machine, but the bullets bounced off the armor harmlessly. The soldiers were forced to dive out of the machine's path at the last minute as it plowed its way through.
As the truck approached a closed gate, Hannibal lit one of his homemade grenades off the tip of his cigar and threw it toward the gate, blasting it open so the truck could easily crash through.
As the truck barreled along a road toward the coastline, two Jeeps sped up toward the truck until they kept pace with it on either side, riddling it with bullets.
Murdock pointed his nail gun at the Jeep to the truck's left. The nail gun had been fitted with a long barrel so that Murdock was able to aim the gun at the Jeep's tires and pummel them to rubbery shreds, sending the Jeep veering off the road.
Face aimed his weapon at the Jeep along the right hand side of the road. The leaf blower had been fitted with a propellant tank, turning it into a flamethrower. The Jeep burst into the flames. The soldiers dived off the Jeep just before it exploded.
The machine finally reached the coastline. B.A. looked through the tiny rectangular hole to see a seaplane docked near the shore, and he turned angrily to Hannibal. "You lied to me, sucka! That ain't no Carnival Cruise Ship! That's a aero-plane!"
"Of course that's an airplane B.A., don't be ridiculous! ... The cruise ship is over there!"
B.A. looked in the direction in which Hannibal pointed. Hannibal nodded to Face, who quickly jabbed a hypodermic needle full of tranquilizer into B.A.'s neck. B.A. started to make a fist, but fell unconscious onto the steering wheel before he could finish the punch.
The truck started to veer out of control. Face tried to grab the wheel, but he quickly realized it wasn't as easy as it looked.
"I don't think this thing has power steering," Face said nervously.
Hannibal reached over and tried to grab the wheel, and they managed to gain control.
"Head toward that dock!" Hannibal said.
The truck started to move toward the dock, but halfway up a steep incline, the truck sputtered out and stalled. The weight of the armored steel quickly started to pull the truck back down the hill in reverse.
Hannibal had to take his hands off the wheel to try the ignition.
"I can't steer this thing!" Face said.
Before Hannibal could reach the brake, the car veered wildly onto some rocks, knocking Hannibal to the other side of the truck, while Face was knocked backward, losing control of the truck completely.
The truck smashed into the side wall of a boathouse. Hannibal managed to reach the brake just before the truck went over the edge, where it teetered unsteadily.
Hannibal looked up as he heard a chopper approaching. "Uh oh, guys ... here comes the cavalry ... better switch to plan B ..."
"I didn't know there was a plan 'A'!" Face said.
The helicopter approached the boathouse from above and fired a rocket. A speedboat zoomed away just as the boathouse exploded into oblivion.
The helicoptor swooped low in pursuit and opened machine gun fire.
"Get us to the plane!" Hannibal said to Murdock, who was steering the boat.
"I'm trying Colonel, but that chopper's making me zig-zag!"
A dull thud was heard on the back of the boat. Hannibal looked back to see a grappling hook had become lodged to the back of the boat. "What the-"
As if coming up over the horizon, Hannibal watched a soldier on waterskis gain his footing, holding the grappling cord with one hand and an uzi in the other.
"Duck!" Hannibal shouted.
They ducked just as the windshield of the boat was shattered by gunfire.
Murdock quickly increased the speed of the boat.
The suddenly acceleration of the boat caused the pursuing soldier's arm to be instantly ripped from it's socket. Blood spurted from the stump of the severed appendage as the soldier fell screaming into the sea.
"Nice of that guy to give us a hand," Hannibal said.
Murdock had nearly made it to the seaplane when the helicopter zoomed ahead of the boat and fired a rocket at the plane, blasting it to smithereens.
"Hasta luego," Face sighed.
"Grab the wheel Colonel," Murdock said sternly. "I promised to fly us out of here, and that's what I'm gonna do!"
In the few moments that the chopper had its back to the speedboat, Murdock ran to the back of the boat. He pulled in some of the the grappling rope, and swung some of it around a cleat hitch. The speedboat zoomed underneath the chopper as it was turning back in the direction from which it had come, and Murdock threw up the grappling hook, catching the lander of the helicopter.
Murdock started to climb up the rope toward the helicopter.
It didn't take the pilot long to realize he was stuck, and he readied his pistol for any unwanted guests as he continued trying to maneuver free of the rope.
The pilot let Murdock think he was taking him by surprise, watching him through the landing mirror as the wiry Captain crawled into the chopper. Just as Murdock was trying to gain his balance, the pilot abruptly turned around and fired at Murdock.
Murdock managed to dodge the bullet, but he lost his footing and stumbed out of the side door. Murdock managed to grab onto the lander before he fell back to the ocean.
Hannibal looked up to see Murdock dangling helplessly, and he began to climb up the rope to help Murdock.
The pilot started to swerve the helicopter ruthlessly, hoping to shake free of both of the intruders.
B.A. awoke unexpectedly when a seagull landed on his face. He swatted at the bird and shook the sleep from his eyes as it fluttered away, then looked around dumbfounded.
Face quickly formulated an explanation. "B.A, you're gonna laugh when you hear this ..."
B.A. raised his fist. "You gonna hurt when you feel this!"
B.A. started to walk toward Face, then noticed the rope. He made a sneering face as he looked at the knotted rope, then followed it with his eyes up to where Hannibal was climbing away.
"Get down here sucka!" he said, pointing at Hannibal. "You ain't goin' nowhere!"
B.A. pulled the rope downward so hard that the chopper was tipped violently to one side. A wooden crate fell out of the side door and landed on B.A.'s head, knocking him unconscious. The pilot slid out of the door just behind it, but managed to grab the lander as Murdock did, clinging to it with one arm.
Before the pilot's other arm could reach for safety, Murdock growled like a dog and bit the pilot's hand, causing him to loosen his grip and fall.
B.A. regained consciousness for a moment, but when the pilot fell on top of the crate, B.A. was knocked unconscious again.
The groggy pilot tried to climb to his feet, but with a right hook Face knocked the stumbling stranger into the ocean.
Face turned to Ray grinning. "Didn't anyone ever tell him not to stand up in a boat?"
Without the pilot shaking the copter wildly, Murdock was able to quickly crawl in and grab the controls, and Hannibal climbed in just behind him.
The copter gently lowered alongside the boat, and Hannibal helped Face and Ray hoist B.A. into it.
Hannibal looked at a marking on the crate.
"C4 ... hey guys, what do you say we give Esteban a little going away present?"
Esteban heard the chopper approaching his mansion and walked out toward the front lawn to greet the pilot as it landed. It didn't land, however, but instead passed over the mansion. As it passed, a crate was pushed from the side door, parachuting gently toward the ground. It was only when Esteban was within inches of the crate that he saw the detonator eaching zero. There wasn't even time to turn away before the massive explosion erupted, claiming the entire complex in a blaze of fire.
Esteban's skeleton remained intact for a few moments after the blast, then collapsed to the ground.
The sky was filled with particles of cocaine.
"Aw Colonel," Murdock said, "It's just like Christmas!"
Christmas music could be heard somewhere in the distance as the chopper flew away from the fiery island into the calm ocean.
"What'd you get me?" Murdock whispered.
"The Clapper," Hannibal mused, clapping his hands twice as the chopper disappeared into the horizon.
Back at the Youth Center a few days later, B.A. approached Suzy and Ray who were working at the pottery table.
"I can't thank you enough, B.A.," Ray said.
"Glad to help," B.A. said. "Hey, you're pretty good with that pottery! Maybe you could sell some of your work. Make some honest money for a change. What's that supposed to be anyway?"
"It's a figure of a ram. But look, it's empty on the inside, and has holes on the top. You can put seeds in it, water them, and watch them grow! I'll bet I could sell a million of these!"
"Sounds like a dud to me," B.A. said. "Why don't make somethin' people can really use? Like an ashtray! Here's one I made. It's even got a message for the kids ..."
B.A. handed Ray the ashtray. Ray saw that it had words inscribed on it. " 'Don't be a fool' ... "
"Flip it over."
Ray flipped it over and read the bottom. " '... Stay in school.' I like it B.A., I'll give it a try!"
"Sounds good. Hey, I gotta go. I've got to hurry up and finish my work here. I've got several fools to pity before the end of the day."
B.A. walked to another room where Hannibal and Face were doing some minor repair work.
"You suckas ain't done yet?"
"We could get it done more quickly if Murdock were helping," Face said.
B.A. scowled. "What's the fool doin' now?"
B.A. finally found Murdock playing the video game.
B.A. pulled the plug.
"B.A., are you crazy? I almost had the all-time high score!"
"You wanna get high, sucka?" B.A. said, lifting Murdock above his head.
"Well, those weren't my words exactly ..."
B.A. threw Murdock across the room. Murdock landed in a box in a supply closet. Only his sneakers could be seen dangling out of the box.
"Game over, fool!" B.A. said, as he clapped to make the lights in the closet go out, and closed the door.
Hannibal grinned and lit a cigar. "I love it when a hand claps together!"