Hey everyone. I just realized I made a geographical mistake before, in saying that Yale and Boston University were nearby... I was thinking Harvard... Stupid, stupid. But when reading this, can you just assume that they're going to school near each other? Ok thanks... haha
My phone beeped, waking me up. And I had only just fallen asleep!
"Goodnight! :-)" it read, from Henry.
I sighed, turning my phone off without writing him back. For the past few months, he'd been... more attentive than usual. Or maybe I've just been more aware of it. Whatever. It's been annoying. I don't need him to say goodnight to me every night, you know? Or always ask if I can go out with him this weekend, or what. I mean, I'm a junior this year, and super busy, and I can't always be with him.
And whenever we hang out, we're always doing something slightly... loserish. I feel bad for thinking of it- I mean really, when I talk about Henry, everyone always asks if he has any brothers, and all that. Like he's the perfect boyfriend. But he's majoring in music education, and I'm in music and business. Not to say that what he's doing is stupid or whatever, but, well... Sometimes I feel like I'm moving on a different level than him.
I talked to a couple girls from Yale about him a few days ago, and they said that maybe I'd outgrown him. I don't know- maybe they were right. I really loved Henry for awhile there, but now I don't know if I do anymore. I care about him and everything, but he's been annoying me lately. And we've been dating for like four years, almost. I don't know. Maybe I'm just making this up, in my head- we've had rough spots, or boring spots, before, but now every time he calls I feel like I don't want to answer the phone.
Is that bad?
So there was a party tonight at these guy's apartment in my class. Real smart intellectual types, right? And everyone there was so smart- I mean, I know Yale kids are smart, I'm one of them. But even after almost three years here, I haven't gone to many parties or anything. I've got a couple friends, but was it wrong to spend my weekends with Henry, when most of my week was devoted to Yale?
I don't know... but anyway, tonight was so much fun. There was wine- not beer- and we were talking and having these debates and discussions. This isn't the first time I've gone to these kinds of parties, but this was the first one where I felt like I really belonged. I'm part of this crowd now, I think.
The apartment was off campus, and this guy there- Ben, his name was, a physics major, real smart- who offered to drive me home. It was kind of a long walk at night and all, and you know, it is New Haven. He had a car, so, well... I said yes. No big deal.
Henry called my cell while I was at the party, but it was on silent. He wanted to know if I was free. Doesn't he have anyone else to hang out with?
I went to a couple more of those parties, and then after that this more exclusive group started hanging out. Studying and going to get coffee and stuff like that, really fun. That Ben guy goes a lot, and he always offers to drive me home. I don't have a car. He's nice and everything, and he's really smart. He's got all these great ideas about education, and politics. Today, he said that I should come out with some of his friends- people in this really active political group.
"We only like to hang out with people who are, well, you understand. You've been there- the people who are smarter, who work hard and all that. Because who wants to listen to someone who doesn't even get it?" he said.
I totally understand- there's always people in my dorm shooting off their mouths about stuff like politics, but- smart though they may be- they don't really get it. But Ben does.
I don't know if I do, though.
I told him I was a piano player, and he said that was cool. He used to play classical violin. He says that jazz is just making shit up. I told he should have met me before junior year, and we would have gotten along. He said we get along now. He's right.
Today, I got a call from Henry. He wants to know what's up with me lately, and you know what? I don't know that I want to put up with it anymore. He always wants to know where I am and if I can hang out, but I've got work to do. He's so clingy, like he has nothing better to do. And Henry's usually figuring out some way to beat the system and all- what with the pot, and his philosophical and cynical "the world sucks," attitude, and I'm getting sick of it. Ben said that you should improve the system, not beat it. That's what Erasmus said. I don't think Henry means it, though. He's just... Henry.
I think I really like Ben. I've been thinking about him all the time, and I even dreamed about him once. Nothing weird, but... well, I haven't dreamed of Henry in a few months now. We haven't slept together in weeks. I haven't even wanted to.
I still care about Henry, and everything. But I feel like my life's moving forward so much faster than his, and that he keeps trying to hold onto me. Like he's slowing me down, and Ben speeding me along. We sort of run on the same page. Maybe it's just time I looked for something else; I need someone more on my page. Henry will always be special to me; he was there for me when no one else was. But that isn't a reason why I should date him forever.
I'll be nice about it, though. I'll break up with him quickly- like ripping off a band-aid. I hope he'll be ok, though. I don't know what he'll do if we're not together.
Ben and I, along with a couple other people, went out to dinner tonight. We were talking about lots of stuff, real stuff- issues and everything, when this girl in one of my English classes walks up. I don't really know her, but I can say that I don't know how she got into Yale- she's kind of a ditz. Someone you know must be smart, but she's hiding it for some reason. Anyway, I said hi, and then she asked what we were talking about it. One of Ben's friends said something mean. He told her what we were talking about, but then he said, "I don't know if you would understand... Well, it's kind of advanced..."
I mean, it was a higher-level conversation or whatever, but it wasn't that smart- we were kind of laughing and stuff. Not goofing off- I don't think I've ever seen them goof off. But you know; it wasn't too difficult to understand.
"Oh, well... ok," she said. Ben laughed really hard. I didn't know what to think about that. It felt kind of good to be part of a group, though. A 'smart' group. Even if they could be mean; but everyone is mean sometimes, right?
Ben kissed me tonight. Instead of just dropping me off on the way home, he walked me to the door of my dorm and kissed me. It felt... different. New and exciting. He told me to call him tomorrow, and we can go study together.
I won't cheat on Henry. I've got to break up with him tonight, or as soon as I can. I can't do anything to hurt him unnecessarily.
And anyway. Henry deserves more than me; I may be smarter, but he's nicer. He deserves someone who can love him the way he loves her. And I guess that's just not me.
I did it this morning. I called Henry last night right after Ben left and told him we had to talk, and then I went to his dorm this morning and told him I thought we had grown apart.
He tried to argue with me- he said we'd just been going through something these last couple weeks, but I told him no. It's been more than a couple weeks, anyway. And maybe it's time we started seeing some other people.
He asked what 'other people' I wanted to see. I couldn't tell him. I won't hurt him that way.
"Nat, no. You're making a mistake. I love you-"
"No, Henry, I'm not making a mistake."
He turned away, and didn't look at me again.
"I'm really, truly sorry, Henry. I-"
There was nothing left for me to say.
I let myself out.