Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own SN or anything related to it.
Authors note: This is pretty much crack that came to me at 4am. Lol. I figured why not? I might add to it later. We'll see how it goes. ;)
"When you have questions about the unnatural and don't know where to turn, we're here to help. What's the nature of your problem? I'm Isleen, your consultant."
"Yeah, hi. I've been getting these memory lapses on the night of a full moon and my place is always trashed after. What gives?"
"Ah. Well, let's see if we can figure this out, okay? I just need you to answer some questions for me. Remember if I'm to help you I need you to be honest. Now, first, do you like to drink?"
"Ever passed out?"
"Ever forget the night before the next day?"
"Well, yeah a few times."
"Do you feel you have a problem with drinking?"
"Not really. I don't do it often."
"So on the nights in question?"
"I was sober, yes."
"Okay. Well then it seems you are likely suffering from Lycanthropy. So far it hasn't escalated past destroying your house that you know of. But this can and will change. Full moons are deadly if you decide to go hunting. What you need to do Is get someone you trust and share your secret. You'll need their help keeping you contained. Find somewhere you can spend the night undetected, preferably with thick walls and iron bars or door. Windows are a no no."
"Oh jeeze. So there's no cure?"
"I'm afraid not at this time. But if you're careful and take every precaution, there's no reason in the world why you can't live a normal life the rest of the time. The disease is only passed through bite contact."
"So I don't have to break up with my fiancee?"
"Not unless she hates dogs."
"Wow. Good to know. Thanks."
"Glad to be of help, Sir."
"Supernatural helpline, this is Louise, how may I help you?"
"Yeah, I have a ghost in my apartment. I think he's hot. I love the movie Ghost and want to recreate the Demi and Patrick pottery scene. Any ideas?"
"Well first, I hate to tell you that was a movie. This is real. Chances are a meeting with a ghost won't be nearly as romantic. You should be careful how you approach it. If it is friendly then you probably have nothing to worry about. If not, my best advice is to track down some reputable hunters to help remove the spirit. Also, keep some salt handy, it keeps ghosts at bay."
"Helpline, this is Ty. How may I be of service?"
"Uh, yeah, I have a problem. I'm having these feelings, about my friend, and I'm worried. It feels wrong."
"Er. Define wrong dude."
"Uhoh. So you mean being around them gives you the munchies?"
"Exactly. What kind of person wants to eat their friend? Am I crazy? What do I do?"
"You're not crazy. You have a real medical condition, if you want to call it that. I'm guessing aside from the manburger helper cravings you're also experiencing physical changes. Bones shifting, eye pigmentation changing color, suddenly stronger?"
"Hm. Thought so. You're a Rugaru, sorry to break the news. It ain't fun, but with very hard work it's controllable. In theory."
"You mean it may not work?"
"No. But it's your only option. Once you take your first bite it's over. You'll turn so ugly and bloodthirsty your mama won't claim you. So here's what you do. Set your mind. You are in control. I will not fall off the wagon. Humans are friends, not food. Second, become a Meatatarian. Raw meat and lots of it. Cravings can be tempered if you eat plenty of red meat. Third, if you ever feel yourself slipping, remove yourself from the situation until you get a grip. Remember, just say no."
"Oh man. This is horrible."
"It gets worse. I hate to tell you, but this is a genetic condition. If you have kids, you will pass this on."
"Ugh. I thought those two nut jobs today was as bad as it would get."
"These two guys came to my house, drove up in a big muscle car. They told me to be good or else. I don't even know what they meant. They took off when my neighbor, a cop, came home and parked across the street."
"Don't piss those guys off! If it's who I think it was, they mean what they said."
"But I don't know them."
"Doesn't matter. Just do as I've told you and if you're lucky you'll never see them again."
"And if I don't?"
"Been nice knowing you dude."
"Supernatural helpline. This is Jess and I'll be your consultant. What's the problem?"
"Hello. Well, you see, I'm dating a vampire and we're getting pretty serious. Thing is...We've read Twilight and we just need to know if sex is safe?"
"Um... Well that series pretty good, but Steph got a lot wrong. It is fiction after all. Chances are, yes it is safe pregnancy wise. However, and no offense to your boyfriend, he is technically dead. I'm not sure about diseases, I'd say better safe than sorry."