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It had not been as easy move. This small seaside town did not resemble what I was used to; London, busy and bustling, full of life. So easy to hide, no one to bother you if you were a bit quiet and kept to yourself, no one gave a fuck, they had enough of their own shit to deal with.
Suited me just fine, that's how I liked to live, giving nothing away, blending into the background. Head down, quietly doing my own thing, working towards my secretly held ambitions.
Until my parents divorce that is and the nuclear fallout that followed. My mother's affair shattering my life.....and of course my father's too, but hey, I was seventeen and all I could think about was my pain; how it affected me.
And so it happened that my mother, Renee, went off travelling with her new man; no room apparently for her only child. I followed my dad, Charlie who struggled to pick up the pieces. We moved to the South Coast to be near his oldest friend Billy so he could attempt to rebuild his life. With a daughter he didn't know how to console.
That was how I ended up starting at a new fucking school, three weeks into the new term, the final school year for me until I would sit my exams, the fucking exams that were crucial to me getting a place at university. I would have to work my arse off as the syllabus was not entirely the same; no pressure then Bella.
Of course, everyone had established friends, cliques, all that shit. Hell, they had known each other virtually all their lives. They were not about to let a newbie in but were happy to dig around for whatever gossip they could find on me. Fucking small town mentality. I sucked it up, kept my head down and kept my eye on the prize; escape. I knew I could do it. Just one year and I could disappear to whatever university I wanted, far away from here, disappear into the crowd again.
Salvation came in the form of Jacob; Billy's son. My age, in most of my classes, my only friend in those rough first months. Exactly what I needed; I learned to trust him. By association, I was eventually considered worthy of acceptance, even making a tentative female friendship with Angela. She helped steer me through the minefield that I didn't understand - oestrogen riddled angst.
Jacob became more than my friend, he was my first boyfriend, my safe haven. Warmth and understanding. Persistently keeping at bay the unwanted attention of a few other guys who were now, inexplicably interested in me simply because we were a couple. I didn't even try to understand this complicated set of unwritten, male, rules. I could barely navigate the female shit.
Having him to turn to made it bearable when I suffered the humiliation that was Edward Cullen. Too beautiful by any standards, certainly too fucking beautiful to be a guy. And didn't he know it, the cocky, arrogant, way too fucking intelligent, prat. In my English class I sat in the only available seat; next to him. I knew immediately that this would a joyless, painful experience. No good would emerge from this. Rude to a fault, he never let up, always sniping, digging, cruel teasing, always taking it one step too far until he had achieved his goal; my furious blush and fucking tears pricking at my eyes. He wanted me to give in, move seats, move class, but how could he know I was made of stronger stuff than that? At first I would retaliate, tell him what a juvenile, immature fucker he was, but he thrived on this, his eyes sparking with delight at my reaction.
I quickly learned not to respond, keeping my head down, hair covering my face, effectively blocking him out. Not telling anyone what was happening. I felt powerful but defeated all at the same time. I kept reminding myself of my goals – only one more year of this.
Watching him around the school from a safe distance was distracting in the extreme as somewhere deep within me; I wanted him to like me. I yearned for him, yearned for his acceptance and approval, yearned for his adoration. I wanted him and I knew he was way out of my league. I hated myself for feeling this way.
I saw him with his sister, Alice, at lunchtimes; I could see then the human in him that he fought to hide. The tiny almost unperceivable gestures of affection he bestowed on her. Sometimes he would catch my stare before I had a chance to look away, angry at me for having glimpsed this side of him, his glare mocking; as if he knew I wanted him and he would never stoop so low.
Hell, all the girls wanted him and he had his pick, whenever the fuck he wanted. Dumping them unceremoniously, like rubbish, when he'd had his fill. There was always a willing queue. I never joined it.
I chose to map out my future with Jacob. He was attractive, happy, carefree, loyal and protective. Most importantly he loved me, he was devoted to me, he made no demands of me. He was what I needed, even if he wasn't what I wanted.
We shared our first time together. Gentle and loving, sweet and tender. I couldn't match his passion but he was patient. I cried afterwards and he kissed my tears away, believing they were happy tears, overwhelmed at this monumentous event. I let him believe that lie but I knew the truth and had to live with it. The entire time, I had the image of Edward Cullen burned behind my closed eyes and I was truly ashamed.
I didn't fit into this shithole. I knew it and so did everyone else. I had plans, big plans for my life and they didn't include, at any point, this fucking small town. I had to be here for one more year, until I reached the magical age of consent; eighteen. Why my parents chose this fuck up of a place I'll never know. They could afford to live anywhere; my dad was a doctor, very high up, very well respected and could take his pick of jobs. My mum stayed at home and did whatever the hell stay at home mums do. They both believed that raising kids out of the cities and larger towns was the way to go. They also both knew that those places were exactly where I was headed once I was old enough.
Oh well, they would still have Alice, my twin, she would never stray too far, would be the child that could fulfill their dream. The dream they had when they adopted both of us when we were seven. I had pretty much shattered that dream for them; never let them in even the tiniest amount. Even so, they loved me totally and completely, never demanding anything from me, always giving. Alice was the only one who I let in, who I gave any part of myself to, willingly. She was sweet and good and I knew I would fucking kill anyone if they made the mistake of hurting her. She never judged me even though she couldn't understand how I couldn't love Carlisle and Esme; after all, they were genuinely good people. On top of their love and attention, they gave us everything we could ever need. I knew full well I was disappointing them but I couldn't even find it in myself to pretend or even care.
I knew exactly how attractive I was, Christ, it's not like I could take any credit for that piece of human nature that was beyond my control. What I chose to do with this unexpected blessing was totally in my control however. I had girls hanging off me; following me around, most of them were a fucking pain in the arse. I was very picky about who I allowed near me, who I fucked. I never had a girlfriend, didn't want or need that truckload of shit in my life. The second they got whiny or made even the tiniest demand of me, I kicked them to the curb with distaste and moved on to the next one. I got off on these small moments, could almost hear the buzz of anticipation from the stupid bitches that were desperate to take their turn, actually believing that they would be the one. It seemed the more obnoxious I was, the harder they would try and compensate. It was a game, played by my rules. Rules I changed all the time, they could never win.
The guys, for the most part, left me well alone. Couldn't work out how to deal with me, why I was so aloof, why I didn't want to join in their pointless blokey shit. Threatened by my obvious superiority with schoolwork and girls. I reveled in this, loved how it set me apart. Idiotic fuckers.
I was unhappy, I was an empty shell. I knew these things, I wasn't stupid. I knew it stemmed from my adoption, the rejection from my birth parents. I chose not to deal with it, to lock it away, deeper with each passing year of my life.
The new girl. Isabella fucking Swan. The school, having sod all else to focus on, was buzzing with talk of her. Even Alice said something about her at lunch, said she seemed sweet. Whatever. I would find out soon enough and once I had a read on her, I might even deign to let her ride my dick. I felt oddly disappointed when she didn't show at lunch but quickly reined that shitty train of thought in. Fuck, I had been in this small town too long, didn't want to be like the rabble.
She came under my radar in English, had to take the only available seat which, lucky for her, was next to me. Fuck if she wasn't pretty, tiny frame, long wavy brown hair, big brown eyes and full pink lips. Pretty! What is up with you Cullen? Why don't you just go and ask Alice if you can watch 'America's next Top Model' with her? Twat.
She tried to be polite and friendly, even though I knew this was difficult for her. She was naturally shy. I made her life hell, baiting her mercilessly, ripping the piss out of her, putting her down. Doing anything to get a rise, see that blush, imagining how it looked all over her tight little body. After a few initial, but somewhat lame attempts at retaliation, she simply gave up and shut right down. I saw the defeat, the humiliation, her tear filled eyes and I was stunned as it didn't feed me the way it should. The way it usually did. Sometimes I even.....felt.....bad? Even through all this shit, I was sure I felt something from her; she must want me.....right? I never gave up, took to watching her whenever I could, watched as she gradually made a couple of lame friends, watched as the bitchy girls refused to let her in, watched as Mike, Tyler and Eric made supremely unsuccessful moves on her, watched as Jacob morphed from being her friend into her fucking boyfriend.....
I thought briefly that I was going insane as I waited for her to somehow offer herself to me, but that day never came. I saw her watching me; watching the constant stream of girls come and go. I felt her disapproval, her utter distaste; it was written all over her. It would be a cold day in hell before I made the first move. I stopped waiting for her when I realised that she had done the deed with Jacob. I knew the signs. In that act she had crushed me, but no one would ever know, apart from Alice. I took some small comfort in the fact that Jacob would look after her, try and keep her safe. And then I shut right down, never even acknowledging her presence at school again.
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