That guilty feeling

chapter one


Shh. You don't want him to hear you. I peek from the door, blush, and turn back. WHAT AM I THINKING!?!?! My heart is racing a mile a minute, my face feels like it's spouting lava, and my hands.......they wont stop shaking. I lean against the wall and press my hand against my cheast.

It all started last night. At that dinner party at school. Because Tamaki had to go ALL out. We had all been there, the whole club. And even though we're filthy rich Tamaki suggested we all helped clean up when the party had ended. What, was he trying to show off for Haruhi? Well this didn't matter. What mattered was when me and Kaoru were putting everything up in the storeroom.

If only I hadn't been so clumsy. If only that streamer hadn't been hanging for me to trip on. But I was clumsy and i did trip. Right when Kaoru had turned to me. The things in my arms fell to the ground and so did I, on top of Kaoru! Our faces almost touching, inches away from each other.

I don't remember how long we stayed there, but to me it felt like forever. How close his lips were from mine. How deep I could look into his eyes. How his breath felt on my face, and how I so badly wanted to touch him; stroke his cheek or brush away a hair. But my hands were frozen. And I was slapped back into reality.

"Ah!" I practically jumped up, "M-my bad!"

Kaoru had merely chuckled, "Not your fault, c'mon, we've got to put this stuff up so we can get home."

And once we had got home, into our bed, and asleep, I had a dream. About our faces that close. But I didn't just touch his cheek. I also pressed my lips against his. Slipped my tongue into his mouth, and clenched my hands in his hair. And it felt so good, so right, so perfect; as if i had finally understood what our bond really meant.

But when I had woken up this morning, my cheeks warm and my heart heavy; I didn't understand what was going on, and what that dream had exactly meant. Why I had started feeling so strange. Why I wanted to touch him when I had awoke, and yet, felt guilty about touching him. As if it were wrong. As if these feeling were much more than brotherly love.

Which brings us back to me; leaning against the wall with my hand against my cheast. I had already gotten dressed, and had went to the kitchen for breakfast, which was when I noticed I had left my watch back in the room. But when I had met face to face with our door, my hand reaching for the knob, was when I peered through the crack; and saw him getting dressed. A strange bubbly feeling had erupted from my stomach and my cheeks went hot. I almost opened the door, almost walked in, and almost put myself in an awkward situation.

I let my heart calm down and turned to leave, but I hadn't noticed the vase on the table inches away; and bumped into it as I had turned. I tried to catch it, my hands grasping air, and it shattered to the ground.

"Whaaaaaaa!" My face went red as I stared at the remains of the flowers and shattered glass.

"Hikaru?" Kaoru opened the door, to reveal that he was wearing NO SHIRT! My cheeks flamed, "Are you ok?"

"Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-yes of course!" I nervously laughed loudly, "I'm just so clumsy!"

"Oh, Hikaru." And before I know what's happening, he's so close, holding my hand to his face, "You've got a cut."

I snap my hand away, "It's ok! I can take care of myself! Now go get a shirt on!"

He looked at me with wide eyes, "Are you sure your ok? You seem a little jittery today."

I turn away from his beautiful eyes. I can't let him see me blush, "I really am fine."

"Well, ok." He shuts the door behind him.

I clean up the shards of glass. I set the flowers in a new vase. And I washed away my cut and put a band aid on: as if it were like any other day. But it's not. Because unlike every other day: my heart wont stop racing a mile a minute.