New Lamps for Old - Reaping what you've Sown
Disclaimer: I own no anime series or franchise.
The blonde headed boy awoke to the smell of someone smoking a pipe. He tried to burrow back down into the covers but someone cleared their throat several times before he gave it up as a loss and sat up.
"Fine, I'm awake. Who are you and what do you want?" he grumbled irritably.
"Naruto are you feeling ok?" the old man asked worriedly.
"If this is another one of your pranks it's in poor taste."
"Pranks? Do I look like some sort of clown?" the boy asked disgusted.
"If you aren't Naruto, then who are you?"
"Who am I, I'm …" the boy trailed off confused. "I don't know."
"I had hoped." The old man sighed. "The Shadow Clone technique is a forbidden technique for a reason, mostly because the chakra requirements are pretty intensive and can easily cause death by chakra exhaustion, but it's also possible, although it's been theoretical until now, for someone to cause serious damage to the sections of the brain dealing with memory."
"Eh?" The boy scratched his head. "So, you're saying I overdid a technique and it caused complete amnesia?"
The old man blinked. "Apparently so, but it appears to have had a beneficial side effect on your intelligence level."
"How do you figure?"
"Because you never would have understood what I said before without a much simpler explanation."
"Well that's good, I guess. So what can you tell me about myself?"
The old man smiled. "You are Naruto Uzumaki, genin of the Leaf Village."
Naruto interrupted him, "Genin? Leaf Village?"
The old man sighed. "Genin is a ninja who has just graduated from the academy. The Leaf Village is one of the greater ninja villages in the elemental countries."
"Huh, well I know what a ninja is but the rest is a blank."
"That's going to complicate things."
Naruto had gotten up and stared at himself in the mirror on the back of the bathroom door. "Not really, what am I? Eight or nine? I should be able to relearn the course work in a couple of years easy if not sooner."
"You're 11 and that's the typical age for a genin."
"Man I'm a shrimp. Well, on the job training it is then. My memory could come back on its own after all."
"I suppose it's possible, although unlikely," the hokage admitted. "I'll simply assign you some books to read and tests to take during your time off. Even if you don't remember things now, it should still be easier to learn them a second time, but if you can't handle it I'll have to pull you off active duty and send you back to the academy."
"No worries old man, I can handle whatever you throw at me. I'm going to need a map to find my way home, unless one of my parents is coming to pick me up though."
The old man winced, and thanked the gods for Iruka's arrival. "Iruka, just the chunin I wanted to see. Naruto seems to have lost his memory, and by that I mean he has complete amnesia. Since you're about the closest person to him, I'd like you to tell him everything you know about him. I'm afraid I have urgent matters I must attend to."
The old man fled in a swirl of leaves as he shunshin-ed out of the room.
Iruka just stared at Naruto as he stared at his reflection in the mirror, trying to find something familiar about it.
* * *
Naruto took a seat in the back of the class while Iruka walked to the front. He'd gotten Iruka to help him replace his clothes with something he felt more comfortable in than a blinding orange jumpsuit.
Hinata took one look at Naruto and blushed a bright red while the rest of the class' response was drowned out by Iruka yelling at them to quiet down and calling out team assignments.
The jounin sensei collected their teams quickly leaving Team 7 and Iruka the only ones there.
Iruka walked over to Naruto. "I have to go. You're supposed to wait here until your jounin sensei arrives. I'll have your books delivered to your apartment this weekend. If you have any questions or just need a friend, remember my door is always open."
Naruto's eyes softened at that and he nodded, "Thanks I appreciate it." Not feeling like dealing with any questions from his teammates, who he couldn't remember anyway he leaned back in his chair and pretended to nap, which turned into a real nap since it was over two hours later that their sensei arrived.
The door cracked open and a silver haired nin with his hitaite over one eye and a mask over his mouth looked them over before saying, "My first impression is … not good. I'll meet you on the roof in five minutes."
The three genin stood up, with Sasuke and Sakura heading for the door and Naruto blurring and vanishing.
Kakashi blinked in surprise to find Naruto already on the roof when he arrived. Sure he hadn't rushed to get up there, but for a genin to beat him up there was rather impressive. When it became apparent that the black robed genin wasn't going to pay any attention to him Kakashi opened his book and began reading.
Naruto ignored Kakashi, instead using the time to stare out at the village. He wondered what exactly he'd done to cause most of the adults to look at him the way they had, like he was a dangerous animal pretending to be tame.
He ignored the perverted giggles Kakashi let out as he read an orange book after glancing back. Naruto was sure the book couldn't be that good, but he made a note to pick up a copy just in case – one could never have too much porn after all.
Four minutes later two out of breath genin arrived via the stairs and took a seat to catch their breath while wondering how Naruto got there first.
Kakashi put his book away and addressed his team, "Good morning, I am your jounin sensei. I'd like you all to introduce yourselves; tell us your likes and dislikes, dreams and goals."
"How about you go first sensei so we know what to say?" Sakura asked.
"Very well, I am Kakashi Hatake – I have things I like and things I dislike, I have dreams as well as some goals."
Sakura and Sasuke just stared at him, both thinking 'the only thing we learned is his name.'
"OK, pinky. You're up first," Kakashi ordered.
"I'm Sakura Haruno, I like Sasuke-kun and flowers, I dislike Ino-pig and Naruto. My dreams are..." She glanced over at Sasuke and turned red. "And my goal is..." She glanced at Sasuke again and giggled.
"O-K..." Kakashi drawled out. "Emo – the dark haired one, you're next."
"My name is Sasuke Uchiha, I don't like much or dislike much, my dream...Dreams are for weaklings, my goal... no, my destiny, is to kill a certain man and restore my clan."
Sakura sighed. "Cha... he's so cool."
"OK – Blondie, your turn."
"My name is Naruto Uzumaki," Naruto said and then fell silent.
After a couple of minutes went by everyone realized that was all he was going to say and Sakura burst out, "Stop trying to be as cool as Sasuke! You're Naruto Uzumaki, you like ramen and me, though I don't like you! You dislike the fact that Sasuke is better than you in every way, your dream is to get me to date you which will never happen and your goal is to be Hokage!"
Naruto simply raised an eyebrow at her rant. "The only thing you got right was my name. I don't know either of you and I have no desire to become Hokage."
Kakashi frowned behind his mask. "You're supposed to answer fully and truthfully."
"I have given the only answers I have to give. If you have any skills as a ninja or a teacher then you already know the reason why," Naruto answered bluntly, already finding his sensei lacking.
"With an attitude like that you're going to have problems," Kakashi warned, his one visible eye narrowing. Naruto's emotionless gaze unnerved him a bit and was really beginning to freak out his teammates. "You have one final test before you have earned the right to be called genin. Until you pass it I can have you sent back to the academy. Well, I can have you sent back afterward also, but it's a lot less likely."
"What?!" Sakura screeched out.
"It's a survival test. Meet me at training ground seven at 7AM. Oh, and I wouldn't advise you to eat breakfast, you'll only throw it up."
Kakashi vanished in a swirl of leaves, heading toward the Hokage's tower.
Sakura turned to berate Naruto for acting cool, but he vanished once more, without a swirl of leaves or puff of smoke to mark his place.
"Hmmm..." Sasuke remarked, now slightly curious.
* * *
Naruto turned off his alarm and started the day. Searching his fridge he found very little worth eating. Fortunately he had apparently committed grand theft ramen at some point because the guest room in his apartment was packed solid with the stuff.
He began to calculate exactly how many packages of ramen were in that room when he heard a barely audible click.
* * *
Sakura and Sasuke watched the approaching black robed figure with interest. He had a slight limp and bandages covered him from the palms of his hands to just under his chin.
Naruto took a seat on the bridge beside the two, eating an order of curried rice from a takeout box.
Sakura took a deep breath to yell at Naruto for disobeying their sensei, but he interrupted her before she ever got started, "Shut it, Haruno! He advised us not to eat, he didn't order us not to."
Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "If you don't know her then how did you know what she was going to say?"
"Look at her," Naruto commanded. "Her hands have no calluses, her nails look freshly manicured and her hair is perfect."
"And that means?" Sasuke asked
"It means she doesn't train. The only way she could have become a nin was to get high enough scholastic grades for them to overlook her pathetic practical skills, and people like that kiss up to the teacher at every opportunity."
Sasuke snickered and then tried to cover it up by faking a cough.
Sakura went from blushing to furious in no time flat and attempted to 'correct' Naruto like she'd done hundreds of times before.
Naruto didn't even look up from his meal, catching her hand in his chopsticks and redirecting the force of the blow to hurl her into the water.
Sasuke had a coughing fit as she flailed around in the water.
One hour and three more trips into the water later...
Sakura sat on the other side of Sasuke, away from Naruto, trying to dry her hair and straighten her clothes without much success.
Sasuke had long since given up trying to hide how funny he found the situation, although he did try to keep the laughter down.
"It's been an hour and he still hasn't shown up," Naruto said.
"He probably had something important to do," Sakura replied.
"Maybe. I'd like to think he has his priorities in order, but he hasn't impressed me so far; he's shown up hours late with no excuse, hasn't done his homework, and is already an hour late for this meeting which he set the time for himself."
Silence descended on the three for a while before Sasuke spoke up to avoid having to deal with his annoying fan girl, "So, why exactly don't you know us?"
"There was a fight, apparently classified, but it resulted in me losing my memory," Naruto replied, like he was talking about the weather.
Sasuke and Sakura just stared at him for a moment in shock.
"That explains the personality change," Sasuke nodded. "And why I find you so tolerable now."
"Yeah, I've heard about my other self. Can't say he's impressed me much either, although Iruka and the Old Man seemed to like him."
"Old man?" Sakura asked.
"Naruto!" Sakura screeched. "He's the leader of the village, show some respect!"
Naruto winced and glared at her. "He said he prefers me to address him that way. So, butt out and stop screeching like a fuckin' harpy. If I hear one more shrill note from your direction, it's back in the water for you."
Sakura flinched, still not used to the new Naruto or the way the air seemed to get heavier when he got angry.
Sasuke was liking the new Naruto more and more. He was sure that between the old Naruto and his number one fan girl he would have been driven to become a missing nin within a few weeks, but the new Naruto was not only tolerable – he also made being around Sakura more bearable.
"Hey! Iruka sensei!" Naruto called companionably to his former teacher.
"Hey Naruto, anything come back yet?" Iruka asked hopefully, taking a seat on the bridge beside him.
"I'm afraid not, and truthfully I'm not really looking forward to becoming that person again. He seems annoying and takes far too much crap in my opinion."
"Yeah, the Hokage mentioned something about you beating up several vendors and a Chunin who got in your way. He said not to worry about it, their actions were illegal and if anyone said anything about it to refer them to him."
"Good, I hate dealing with morons – although I feel kind of bad for making the Old Man deal with them."
Iruka laughed. "He's actually been looking forward to dealing with them. He says it's nice to be able to apply attitude adjustments to those that need them without having to deal with the council first."
"The Curse of Bureaucracy." Naruto nodded. "Paperwork and regulations that prevent you from applying footwear suppositories to those who need them."
Iruka tried to keep a straight face, but soon joined Sasuke and Naruto in their laughter.
"So Iruka sensei, while you're here can you tell me how Genin teams work and can you tell me anything about Kakashi?" Naruto asked once they had all calmed down.
"Sure I have a few minutes," Iruka began.
* * *
"I don't really need your testimony," the Hokage stated with a grin that caused the merchants in front of him to shift uneasily.
"I just happened to have some ANBU operating in the area who caught every word and gesture."
The assorted merchants and single Chunin quickly paled, realizing that they were in deep – and it was getting deeper by the moment.
"Strangely enough, your sworn testimony seemed to contradict their reports. Normally such a matter would be resolved by sending you all to Ibiki."
Several of the merchants soiled themselves, but ANBU had already been prepared for that and the floor was lined with old newspapers.
"I'd hate to waste his time like this for such a simple misunderstanding however, so I was wondering if you would all be interested in an alternate form of resolution to this little situation." The Hokage grinned like a demon as they all fell all over themselves to accept the Hokage's deal sight unseen.
"Excellent, you will all pay 5% of your income for a year," he paused as the merchants heaved a sigh of relief for having gotten off so lightly. "To Naruto, for your actions."
He waited, but no complaints were forthcoming. "I thought you'd balk at this, or at least put up some form of complaint."
The spokesman for the merchants spoke up, "We're getting off easy and we know it Hokage-sama. Tempers were high and things were said and done which were regrettable. Rest assured, none of us believes we'll be getting off as easily if something like this happens again. From now on we'll treat Uzumaki as we would any genin of the Leaf, and count ourselves lucky that he stopped at a well deserved thrashing rather than what he was legally entitled to do to us."
The Hokage looked over at the group carefully. "As you all seem to be sincere… I'll let things stand at 5% and a promise to treat Naruto civilly then. You're dismissed."
The Hokage turned his gaze on the frightened chunin. "You however are not. Would you care to tell me what you thought you were doing?"
Rei froze at the ice in the Hokage's voice. "I saw a genin fighting with a group of merchants. I thought knocking him out and removing the source of the conflict would prevent casualties, Hokage-sama."
"So it had nothing to do with who the genin was?" Sarutobi's voice was deceptively mild.
"No sir!" Rei swore. "I had no idea it was Uzumaki. He was wearing black! Everyone knows Uzumaki refuses to wear anything but bright orange."
The Hokage considered the chunin's words. "Very well, I will accept your words at face value. Since this was not an attack targeted at a specific nin, your junior, and was just an attack against a Leaf nin, your junior, due to poor judgment, I'll be lenient. Rei Yuuhi, you will forfeit half a month's pay for the next month, and during your off hours for the next six months you will serve as genin Uzumaki's bitch... Staying at his place in case he needs anything during his off hours. I trust this is a satisfactory punishment and you won't repeat this day's events?"
"Yes Hokage-sama, thank you Hokage-sama!" she blurted out, relieved at the lightness of her punishment and being able to keep her rank, sure she had to sleep with Uzumaki for the next six months but that was really a small price to pay – she just hoped her skills were up to it as she had taken the seduction training course, but had failed it miserably. 'Maybe, if I'd had a boyfriend who wasn't too terrified of Kurenai to get past first base I'd have passed the course.'
"He may be younger than me, but he was really strong and kinda cute. I bet my sister can't scare him off since I'm acting on Hokage's orders," she thought aloud, unaware of the goofy grin she sported and the drop of blood leaking out of her nose.
Long association with Hana Inuzuka made her misunderstand what the Hokage meant when he used the term bitch. Sarutobi figured out her mistaken assumption but didn't correct her – he simply dismissed the girl and held in his laughter until she was gone.
* * *
Kakashi appeared in a swirl of leaves at precisely 10AM – exactly three hours late.
"You're late!" Sakura screamed, just before Naruto tossed her in the river.
"Naruto, you're not supposed to treat your teammates that way," Kakashi growled.
"She's been warned multiple times; attempts to attack me, or banshee wails result in a dip," Naruto stated flatly.
"It's inappropriate behavior for genin under my command," Kakashi replied.
"Well considering the fact that we've spent less than ten minutes with you total since you've been our sensei and you've yet to teach us anything save how to be late, I think I'll pass on any lectures of inappropriate behavior coming from you," Naruto retorted.
"Uh... Sensei, the test..." Sakura pointed out as she wrung out her hair.
"Fine," Kakashi said. "We'll handle this later."
The three got to their feet and followed Kakashi into the middle of a clearing where he set a clock on a stump. "You have until noon to get these two bells from me. Anyone who doesn't get a bell goes back to the academy. Come at me with the intent to kill or you have no chance."
"Don't have to tell me twice," Naruto grinned.
Sasuke grinned as well, looking forward to a tough fight while Sakura stared wide eyed at the jounin teacher.
"Ready? Begin!" Kakashi declared, causing the other two genin to vanish into the bush while Naruto just stood there.
"Not very bright are you?" Kakashi asked bluntly as he took a small orange book out of his pouch.
Naruto grinned and released his hold on his spiritual energy, driving Kakashi down on one knee. "I'm not the one about to get his ass handed to him by a genin, Kakashi-sensei."
Kakashi dropped his book and struggled to his feet while Naruto intoned, "Hado 13: Bunny Beddie One." And launched a ball of blue energy at him.
Kakashi barely switched out in time as the blue ball quartered the log he'd switched with and set it on fire.
He'd never felt anything like this before. Killing intent was emotionally driven – this was more like a complete indifference to his right to exist. Whatever it was, it was effective and he didn't recognize the seal-less jutsu he used at all.
Sasuke saw how successful Naruto was against Kakashi and decided to team up with him. After all, Kakashi did have two bells and it's not like he'd give one to Sakura. But as he entered the clearing he was floored by Naruto's aura.
Naruto glanced behind himself and saw Sasuke shivering. With a muttered curse he again reigned in his aura, giving Kakashi enough of a breather to uncover his Sharingan eye.
Naruto called out, "Hado 195: Harem 12!" Sending tendrils of energy into the ground where Kakashi couldn't sense them, until it was too late and he was trapped in a cage of energy.
"Shit!" Naruto cursed as he helped the shivering Sasuke to his feet, trying to think of what he could do to help the shell shocked boy. Naruto hadn't expected his aura to have that sort of effect on him. 'Must have one seriously messed up life for that to effect him this badly.'
Thinking quickly and wanting to take care of Kakashi, Naruto figured out a way to help mend Sasuke's crushed ego. "Sakura! Sasuke needs your help."
"Sasuke-kun!" the pink haired girl screeched, appearing instantly from wherever she had hidden. "What happened to him?!" she demanded.
"He ran into my aura and his ego wasn't strong enough to handle it. I need you to puff him up by telling him all the great things about himself."
"Hah! Like I'd believe that!" Sakura screeched. "Sasuke-kun's ego is unbreakable! He probably got caught in one of Kakashi's attacks and you're just trying to claim credit for it."
Naruto could already see the improvement in Sasuke thanks to Sakura's rant about how great he was. Turning back to the fight he noticed a lightly charred Kakashi lying on the ground, as apparently he'd tried to force his way out of the cage. "Oops."
* * *
"I'm just saying that, Sharingan or not, he's pretty lame for a jounin," Naruto said as they were leaving the hospital.
"It's my bloodline and he's the only person around who can help me with it," Sasuke replied, still feeling a bit weak but much recovered, thanks to a soldier pill and Sakura's continually whispering assurances in his ear that he basically tuned out.
The fact that inner Sakura had been whispering things in his ear for the last five minutes, while outer Sakura was distracted by having Sasuke so close, would explain the slight nosebleed he'd developed.
"You've got a point there. Still, if he's always three hours late we're going to have to handle most of our own training." Naruto scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Which is probably a good idea, since, except for the Sharingan, we're likely to surpass him fairly quickly, and we may get better missions thanks to his inflated reputation."
"He could have been having an off day," Sakura offered.
"True," Sasuke admitted. "We'll have to wait and see."
"So, what do we do now?" Sakura asked.
"Check in with the Old Man and make a schedule for our duties. Doc said Kakashi'd be fine in a couple of weeks and since we're handling our own training, we should be good until then. Iruka said D-Ranks are basically village chores anyway. You guys think we need a jounin for that?" Naruto asked.
Sasuke was recovered enough that he actually chuckled, something exceedingly rare before that day.
Sakura paid no attention, basking in having Sasuke's arm around her, while her inner self was whispering exactly what she would like to do to him with a can of whipped cream and some sprinkles.
Arriving at the tower they were surprised by a dark haired girl with red eyes. "Hi Naruto-kun, sorry for the mix up this morning. I've been assigned to you for the next six months, I'm chunin Rei Yuuhi."
"Wow, the Old Man is really on his game today," Naruto said. "Let him know we're picking up some D-Rank missions. We kinda broke our jounin, but the docs say he'll be fine."
"I'm on it!" she said with a grin before vanishing.
* * *
"Kakashi? Is he still not here?" the Hokage asked with a sigh.
"You know how he is," Asuna said. "He'll be three hours late and say he's failed another team."
There was a swirl of leaves and Rei Yuuhi appeared in front of the Hokage. "I bear a message from Naruto-kun, they broke their jounin, but the docs say he'll be OK and they're off to pick up some D-Rank missions."
"Thank you Rei, you're dismissed," the Hokage replied with a smile as she vanished. "It seems he has passed a team, and it only took injuring him to do it."
The assembled jounin laughed before they started discussing their teams and various training plans and schedules, with the Hokage making notes on who was doing what.
* * *
The genin got in line to get their missions, where Naruto was pleasantly surprised to find that Iruka was in charge of handing them out.
"Hey Iruka, we need two D-Class missions for the day," Naruto said.
"Where's your sensei?" Iruka asked, as he looked through the pile of scrolls on his desk for the appropriate ones.
"We were a bit too hard on him, but the docs say he'll be fine. We have Rei Yuuhi standing in for the next several months... Guess the Old Man wanted to make sure we were covered in case Kakashi strains himself by not following the doc's orders."
Iruka grinned and scratched Kakashi off the list as Team 7's sensei, and wrote in Rei Yuuhi. It wasn't all that unusual for a chunin to cover for an injured jounin or one assigned to more important duties.
"Here you go." He handed the scrolls off to Naruto. "Just hand these to her and she'll cover the rest."
AN: Everyone thank godogma for typing this out for me.
This is story #2 of 4 that have major characters personal memories removed and their souls switched around to see how they'd do.
In case you were wondering this is Ichigo from Bleach switched out with Naruto.