A/N: Yes, I'm doing another bashing story of Twilight involving Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Maybe more people will like this one than they did the last one. If you don't like hearing bad things about Twilight, Stephenie Meyer, or any Twilight characters, please continue to read because I want to hear what you have to say about this little story. So have fun and enjoy the story!
Spike sat in the shade of an umbrella outside a restaurant and stared at the man across from him. He couldn't believe that he was sitting with the new breed of vampire that some idiot had created. This new breed sparkled in sunlight. They didn't get sick in sunlight or burn in sunlight like normal vampires. No, they had to sparkle like they were made of diamond. They weren't vampires. They were freaking FAIRIES.
"You lot make me sick," Spike admitted, taking a drag on his cigarette. "You especially Edward make me want to throw up."
Edward didn't look the slightest bit upset. "I understand that you're jealous of me and my kind Spike. We're popular now and your kind is old news."
"Old news?" Spike laughed. "My kind has millions of fan bases. We have tons of followers. We're making a comeback while you're losing to a bloody werewolf."
Edward's eyes darkened. "Don't talk about the werewolf."
"Why not?" Spike smirked. "Don't tell me you're pissed about him stealing your girlfriend for a length of time and now your daughter. You were the one who decided to run off when you have a needy little broad here."
"I had to go then because I needed to protect Bella!" Edward hissed from between clenched teeth. "Besides, it's not like you haven't run away from Buffy. Oh wait, you had to because you almost raped her."
Spike shrugged. "At least I had sex with her before I ran off. You were always blowing poor little Bella off because you were afraid to hurt her. What's the point of having a willing mate if you can't shag her?"
"I could have crushed her! You know how badly she was bruised when we first had sex."
"Actually I grew bored reading the novel and decided to watch a music video. There was more lust in that three minute clip than there was in your entire four book saga. Honestly, if you're going to have a book that captures the attention of die hard vampire fanatics, you'll need some hot and heavy action. Why do you think Buffy and Angel were such money makers?"
It was Edward's turn to shrug. "Teenagers have enough sex in their daily lives. These days a kiss is like a handshake. My Creator in her infinite wisdom decided –"
"To rip off one of her student's ideas," Spike muttered in an undertone.
"The All Powerful Stephenie Meyer wanted to make the perfect love story between two people from two different worlds. Something that Joss Whedon decided to skip because he thought it was better to have a bunch of random sex scenes in his show."
Spike looked offended. "Joss Whedon is a bloody genius compared to that sow who created you! Only he could come up with a story line so damn good! Sex or no sex, Buffy and Angel would have been a load better than your whole series. At least his heroine wasn't needy and willing to do everything to hold onto someone not worth the trouble."
"Bella loves me. You're just jealous because Buffy doesn't feel the same for you. Neither does Drusilla or Harmony."
"Keep naming off my ex's names all day if you want, but you aren't going to bring this vampire down like the Berlin wall. I'll always have more women throwing themselves at me even when the whole Twilight hype has died down. Hell, I'll even get the women that wanted you and were disappointed when they got a piece of you." Spike smirked. "And I don't have to worry about any 'brothers' or werewolves taking my fans because there's just Angel and he has his own show. I'm the only vampire to worry about in the Buffy series, so there's always going to be plenty of women to go around."
"See? This is exactly what I was talking about. Joss Whedon doesn't care about developing a true love story. Buffy goes through about ten different guys in her seven season run. She has sex with most of them and doesn't bother to develop a relationship with all but two of them: Angel and that human commando guy."
"Don't pick on Buffy just because she went through a bunch of losers. She was trying to find the right fit, something that you wouldn't let Bella do because your stupid writer decided to make you the only white knight in town. Though I guess she did have sense enough to give Bella to that werewolf for that one story and he did let her make her own decisions…Maybe she was better off with him than you."
Edward smiled a tight smile. "Stop making me want to kill you because you know that I could do it easily."
"You and what sparkling gay army, Captain Sparkle?" Spike challenged, crushing his cigarette out on his hand, not even wincing when it burned into the flesh.
"I don't need an army. I'm faster, smarter, and stronger than you'll ever be. Breaking you would like breaking a toothpick."
"Big talk for a little lad. Strength and speed will only get you so far. It's experience that makes the vamp and you just don't have as much as I do."
"Who needs experience when all I need to do is push you out into the sunlight or switch your water for holy water?" Edward smirked. "You old vampires are such weaklings. Holy water? Garlic? Crucifixes? Is there anything lamer that you could be hurt by?"
"Oh, you wounded me with your teenage words," Spike said sarcastically, placing a hand over his heart. "Seriously, if you're going to go on about how great this Stephenie Meyer person made you and your pathetic excuse of a love story with Bella, I might just take a bloody stake to my heart."
"And no one but your fan girls will miss you, but that will only last a little while because soon they will be distracted by my next movie." Edward leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table. "Where are your movies and when are they coming out?"
Spike's expression soured. "Buffy only had one movie and that was way before I came to Sunnydale. And she's too cool to have her own movies. She has books, loads of them. Some even interact with the reader. Did your lame creator think about doing that? That would be no because she was too concerned about making the books rated so that first graders could read them when they're not taking their naps."
"You're just jealous," Edward said simply, leaning back in his seat so that he basked in the sun.
Spike put up a hand to shield his eyes. "Who would be jealous of a bloke who sparkles like a bloody gay fairy? Not any real vampires."
"I'm a real vampire."
"No, real vampires change when they vamp out. They get ridges, their eyes turn colors, their fangs grow…You don't see any vampire going all sparkly on someone in the sun. You see them avoid it because A) it makes them sick or B) it physically hurts them. That's how it is in all the books, movies, and TV shows except in that joke you call Twilight." Spike's eyes narrowed. "And that thing about changing people –"
"Let me guess, you're going to say that vampires don't change people the way my kind does."
"We bloody well don't. Nowhere in the ancient texts does it say that vampires can change a human by simply taking a nibble. There has to be a blood exchange between the vampire and the human being changed."
"Obviously Stephenie Meyer thought it was time for vampires to evolve past that foolish practice."
"But vampires having venom in their fangs? That's a bit farfetched mate. And don't get me started on your 'super powers'," Spike said, making the quote fingers. "'cause once I get started on that stupid subject I can't really stop."
"What? Are you intimidated because some of my kind has special talents that you could only dream of?" Edward asked. "Or jealous?"
"What's there to be jealous of? Oh, I can read your thoughts…so can smart people. Oh, I can see the future, where's the fun in that? Oh I can make people feel special feelings and feel them myself…who really needs that load of pain in a world full of raging hormones and teenagers?" Spike ranted. "Oh I can make a shield to protect myself and those I love…big deal! I can knock it down with a healthy dose of magic."
"You don't use magic."
"Doesn't mean I don't know people who would do the magic stuff for me to take down your pet's little shield. Makes you kind of worried now, doesn't it? Knowing that your girl's little protection can be taken away by magical forces probably makes your panties bunch."
Edward's teeth clenched. "You won't touch Bella!"
"I actually have nothing against the girl," Spike admitted. "Except for the fact that she chose a gay fairy over a real man, but that can be taken care of later. No, my bone is going to be picked by you."
Spike glanced across the street and nodded. Slowly the world became dark and Edward looked up for the cause. The moon was slowly moving in front of the sun, blocking out the sun.
"There wasn't supposed to be an eclipse!" Edward pointed out, getting to his feet.
"Of course there wasn't, but try telling that to redhead over there," Spike said, pointing across the street.
Willow waved from across the street where she stood with Dawn and Buffy. All three women looked a little interested in what was unfolding in front of them.
Edward's gaze turned away from the women when he heard snarls. Men were emerging from the shadows or approaching from the other side of the street. Angel and Dracula led Mick St. John, Josef, Damon, Stefan, and a lot more male vampires that had been outshined recently by the sparkling version of their kind. He took a step back and glanced at Spike who had vamped out.
"What's going on here?" he demanded.
"What? You don't know?" Spike shot back. "Here I thought you were the one with the telepathic abilities…guess that was just a myth."
"Or you're still messed up in the head," Angel said.
"This is retribution," Damon stated. "We're sick of you sparkly freaks taking out women and giving vampires a bad image."
"We want the image of vampires to go back to normal," Mick St. John added. "If that means kicking your ass, then so be it."
"The ways of the vampire have long been written in the ancient texts and no one shall change them," Dracula declared. "You and your kind shall fall and the true vampires shall rise again to reclaim our place in the hearts of humans everywhere."
"The Cullen family will stop you!" Edward exclaimed, backing away from the murderous looking bunch.
"They're already taken care of son," Josef announced. "All that remains are you and Bella…which I don't see why we can't keep Bella around for awhile."
"No Josef," all the male vampires said in unison.
"Enough chit chat," Spike stated. "Let's take care of this gay sparkling fairy that makes us look so bad."
With a collective roar, all the vampires attacked Edward.
Bella watched the scene as she stepped next to Buffy. "What the hell are you doing to my husband!?!" she demanded in a shrill voice.
"Shut it up!" Dawn begged, clamping her hands over her ears. "Before it makes my ears bleed!"
Bella shot her a withering look.
"Well, you see the real vampires are taking down your husband because they feel threatened by his sparkly self," Buffy explained. "The girl vampires took care of the two female Cullens and the other boys already took care of Emmett, the murderous looking doctor, and the one with something shoved up his butt. All that remains is you and Edward."
"But it doesn't look like he's going to last much longer," Willow admitted. "Sorry…"
"What do you plan on doing to me?" Bella demanded, looking scared.
"Oh, we're just going to stake you in the heart and send you to Dustville," Dawn said, earning a dirty look from Buffy. "What?"
"You weren't supposed to tell her what was going to happen!" Buffy hissed.
Bella backed away. "You can't do this. Besides, even if you could, Stephenie Meyer would write us back into the world over and over again and there would be no end to us."
"And that's where you're wrong. You see we can do this and we have already taken care of Stephenie Meyer. So goodbye Bella." Buffy said, throwing a stake into Bella's chest.
Bella looked down and frowned. "Shit," she complained before exploding into a cloud of brown dust.
Stephenie Meyer sat in a chair, her arms taped to the arms of the chair and her legs bound at the ankles. She was sobbing as the TV before her continued to playback what had happened to her characters mixed with clips from Buffy, Angel, Moonlight, Dracula movies, and Vampire Diaries.
"These aren't real vampires!" she protested. "Vampires are supposed to have deep love and they're supposed to sparkle!! Why won't anyone listen?"
"You keep talking to yourself like that and someone is going to think you're crazy," Drusilla whispered before laughing. "Would you like to play a game, duckling?"
Stephenie Meyer screamed in pain and despair as Drusilla vamped out.
A/N: So, that's the end of that. Trust me, Drusilla didn't bite Stephenie Meyer because there is no way that any vampire in their right – or wrong – minds would turn that woman into a vampire. I'm sorry but it's true.
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