Chapter Three: Plot Development

"…so… so then I was like 'oh well… I don't really want to go to Maaaaaars anyways', but- but I went to Maaars and- and we fought the… the…"

"The people from Venus?"

"How-! How-? How did you knooow that?! Are you… are you… are you psychic?"

"Yeah, I can read your mind."

"…that's soooooo coooool, Zelos… you're sooooo hooooot…"

"Alright, Yuan, why don't you just get on with your story?"

"…oh, right, right. So- the people from Venus, right? They had these… these guns. Like- big guns. They were so big. And so…"

The trio had escaped from Triet, being chased by a crowd of angry villages, and had passed over the Ossa Trail, where the angry villagers got bored and went home, and were now sitting on a dock in Izoold. They were no closer to reaching their goal than they had been last chapter.

"Well," Lloyd sighed, as Yuan (who was, miraculously, still drunk) draped his arms around Zelos' neck and start snoring. "Now what?"

Zelos glared at him. "Hell if I know," he grumbled. Lloyd sighed.

"Well fine!" he exclaimed. "I'm going to go… do something."

"Do what?"

"Don't make me smack you with a dead fish."

Lloyd went off to do the ambiguous "something" while Zelos attempted to pry Yuan off of him. It didn't really work.

Suddenly, something (not what Lloyd was going to go do) caught Zelos' eye. He spotted a misty figure standing near a cart- a cart that happened to have "CANDLES" written on the side.

"Holy Johansen!" Zelos shrieked, standing up and flinging Yuan into the water. "Candles!"

He made a mad dash for the candle cart and, upon reaching it, noticed that the candle vendor was the same mirage that they had encountered in the desert.

"You bitch!" Zelos cried, shaking his fist at her. "You told us you didn't have any candles!"

She merely slapped him. "I didn't have any then," she snapped. "But I recently managed to acquire some… about 4000, actually."

Zelos squealed like a little girl. "Yay!" he exclaimed. "Give me some, please? Or all of them? And then I won't have to go on my stupid quest?"

"What ever happened to finding your purpose?" she asked, frowning at him. Zelos crossed his arms.

"Hey, how did you know that?"

"I'm a mirage, dumbass."

"Oh… well. Shuddup. So can I have some candles?"

"Hmm. Maybe," she replied.


"I'll think about it."

"Pretty please?"

"Let me sleep on it."

"Pretty please with a cherry on top?"

"Your boyfriend's drowning."

"Pretty please with a cherry on top and marshmallows and- hey what?"

The mirage pointed to the water, where Yuan was flailing like a… something that flails. "You should save him," the mirage said.

"He's not my boyfriend," Zelos argued. Yuan drowned.

The end.

Just kidding.

But Yuan did really drown.

"Zelos, you moron!" Lloyd yelled, attacking Zelos and knocking him over. "Where's Yuan?"

"Uh… he drowned?"

Lloyd smacked him with a dead fish. "Stupid! You know he's afraid of water!"

"Mow-ron, that's Raine." Zelos stole the dead fish from Lloyd and, using his super awesome random powers, turned it into a gun and shot at Lloyd.

But Lloyd is Neo, so he dodged the bullet. "Same thing. Now go save him!"

"No! You!"

"Fine, damn it!"

Lloyd belly-flopped into the water, and swam into its' terrifyingly deep depths to save Yuan. Yay. Lloyd's a hero.

Back on the dock, Zelos turned to the mirage once again. "So!" he yelled, pointing at the mirage. "I don't have any money, so I can't pay for candles. But… there are other 'services' that I could offer you, if you get my drift…"

"I thought you were gay," the mirage said, frowning. "Aren't you?"

"What?" Zelos exclaimed. "Pssh. No."

There was an awkward silence, in which Zelos realized that he was wearing pink and checking his nails, and in which the mirage thought 'every time there's an awkward silence, a gay baby is being born' and she considered saying that to Zelos, but then she realized that he was holding a gun still, so she decided against it.

The mirage, however, did decide to say something else. Because she's crafty like that.

"Alright, baby," she said in a flirty voice, and Zelos blinked at the sudden change in attitude, "I'll make you a deal. I'll let you have all 4000 of these candles if…"

Suddenly, she whipped out a claymore and whacked him over the head with it. Anyone who saw cheered.

The mirage cackled evilly, stuffing Zelos into her cart, which actually didn't hold candles at all, despite what the sign said. "It's payback time!" she hissed, and started pushing the cart onto a boat. Soon, the ship was headed for Palmacosta.


Lloyd belly-flopped into the water, writhed around in pain for a couple of seconds, then regained his sanity (uh, what sanity?) and started swimming toward Yuan's slowly sinking body. He'd jumped off the dock- this water couldn't be that deep…

But it appeared that it was. Lloyd had been swimming forever, and he was only getting deeper and deeper, which was really starting to freak him out. Suddenly, a giant black vortex opened up in front of Yuan, whose unconscious body simply floated into the super massive black hole (lol Twilight sucks) as Lloyd swam frantically towards him. Being the idiot that he is, Lloyd temporarily forgot that he was underwater and screamed, "No!! Yuan!!" Of course, this only resulted in him swallowing half the ocean. As Lloyd swam closer towards the black hole, he started to get sucked in!!



Kratos sat in his living room next to the thing that looked suspiciously like a narwhal, eyeing it warily and avoiding conversation with Colette, who was the only one still sober. Raine and Sheena had decided that since technically Presea was 28 it was ok for her to drink and yeah. And Genis was just sort of there.

"Well," Kratos said. "This sucks.

The thing that looked suspiciously like a narwhal nodded in agreement.


Lloyd and Yuan were sucked into the black hole, and suddenly appeared it what seemed like an underwater city. Dozens of merpeople surrounded them, holding tritons to their throats. The toughest of the merpeople stood (er, floated/tread) in the front of the crowd, glaring at the human and half-elf.

"You are our prisoners now," he growled. "Understand?"

Lloyd, who's dumb to realize that he could've just nodded his head, pointed at his mouth. The merman sighed. "Get him some gillyweed!" he commanded.

Suddenly, J.K. Rowling came out of nowhere and bashed him over the head. The merman let out a "huff". "Fine," he sighed, "we'll use sign language."

Lloyd signed, "I can't do sign language."

The merman stared at him, then signed back, "You are an incompetent fool, but I'm taking you as my prisoner anyways."

Lloyd signed back, "What does incompetent mean?"

The merman signed back, "What the hell is wrong with your boyfriend?"

Yuan (who is, btw, not anyone's boyfriend) was still drunk, and had "Blah Blah Blah" stuck in his head, so he'd decided to dance. Even though the music was only playing in his head.

Lloyd signed back, "He's special. Be nice to him."

The merman signed back, "What are you two, the Special Brigade?"

Lloyd started to sign back, "Actually, he's a Renegade and I saved all your asses from a femboy who was in love with my best friend," but he never got the chance because the merman sedated him with poison that was in the tip of his triton.

Yuan got KO'ed too.


The mirage trundled along, magically already in Palmacosta, pushing her CANDLES cart in front of her. She was very tempted to stop and put up a sign that said, "Zelos for sale" but that would kind of ruin her evil plan.


For now.

Short, but there's actual plot development. Everyone gets kidnapped.

Disclaimer: Blah blah blah.