TO MY LOYAL READERS: This was written as a writing game I participated in. I wrote the beginning and the end. The rest was written by Brainz4Christ, Eeyop1428, and Trapped In Reality in that order. Part of the game involves posting this.
I have no idea what's going on throughout this one either. If I had to classify this as anything, it would be "crack". You know what, this site should have "crack" as a genre option. XD By the way, you get a double chocolate cookie if you guess which video game I have Bonecrusher playing later on.
It was a lazy day at the Decepticon base. Having not heard from the Autobots in days, the Decepticons gave up on them for the time being in favor of some downtime to themselves. Starscream took a nap. Scorponok dug up bodies in the backyard. Bonecrusher and Brawl played Candy Land. Frenzy was crawling around in the ventilation shaft with his oldest brother, Ravage. Megatron was watching TV, and Barricade played a computer game while Blackout watched.
Bonecrusher selected a card and growled when he realized he'd have to go all the way back to the beginning. "Hey Brawl, look over there!" he said, quickly switching it out for the card on top when Brawl looked away.
Brawl looked back with slight confusion. "Look at what?" he asked.
"Sorry, you missed it," Bonecrusher replied, moving his piece.
Brawl took his turn and picked up the card that Bonecrusher had switched out on top and whined when he realized he had to go back to the beginning. "Why do I always get the sucky cards?"
"Dunno. Maybe you're cursed," Bonecrusher shrugged.
Starscream glared across the room from where he napped on the couch. "Can you two turn the volume up any louder on that thing?"
"Yes, actually," Blackout replied, cranking the volume up on the computer to spite him.
"Dammit Butcher, why won't you die?!" Barricade complained at the computer screen.
"Maybe you need to level up more," Blackout suggested.
"You shouldn't even be playing those games on the main computer! That's abuse of our technology!" Starscream scolded. "What will Megatron think when he sees you…"
At that moment, Megatron walked past, en route to the kitchen for a snack. "Hey! Diablo! I love that game!" he said on the way through.
Blackout gave Starscream a smug look. "Go on. I believe you were saying something funny."
"Shut up, Blackout!" Starscream growled.
Everyone heard a creaking sound and looked up just in time for the ventilation shaft to give way. Frenzy landed in Barricade's lap while Ravage peeked out. "Oh look! It's Ceiling Ravage, come to visit!"
"We really need to reinforce the ventilation system in here…" Ravage stated bluntly.
"Forgive us for not realizing that someone would be crawling around in it," Starscream replied.
"You should have. What if zombies attack and that's our only escape?" Barricade asked. Starscream decided that the best response to that would be to roll over and ignore him. "You'll kill everybody! Most of the 'Cons on base rely on the ventilation shaft as part of their zombie plan! You don't want them to become lunch do you?"
Starscream sighed and put a pillow over his head. "There's no such thing as zombies, Barricade."
"That's what Umbrella wants you to think," Blackout responded in Barricade's defense.
Starscream rolled his optics and decided that no 'bot could sleep in this madness. He walked over to a sub-computer. Megatron was distracted. What better time to work on his brilliant, if he could say so himself, plans to take over the Decepticon Empire? He started up the computer and logged in. Username? Starscream, of course. Password? Well, that's none of your slagging business! Just as he was about to pull up the document which holds the grand secrets of his amazing plan, an error message popped up. Our friend Screamer leaned in to read the heading. It said:
Error: You are too stupid to keep trying this, Starscream.
What? He read the text in the box.
Yes, I know you have been planning to destroy me. Don't you think I am smart enough to check the file access banks at the end of the day? I am truly surrounded by idiots. Press OK to alert me you are accessing this file. Press cancel to keep your spark online.
Starscream sighed. His brilliant plans never worked. At least he still had his high screechy voice and cute heels. Those heels were gorgeous! And he, of course, was *loved* by all the fangirls out there. No one knew why, not even the fangirls. But they loved him, the backstabbing, double-crossing, annoying suck up he was.
Back at the main base, Megatron watched "The History of War" on the History Channel.
"These organics know nothing of the 'History of War.' I see nothing of our war with the Autobots! Not one Decepticon is featured as a great leader, not even I! Organics are not smart enough to make things like that."
Of course, he didn't turn it off. Megatron was not one to back down, no matter how idiotic the situation. His many war wounds and amazing ability to change size would attest to that. I mean, any Decepticon Commander who could go from a thirty-foot robot to a six-foot gun must be the most practical 'bot in the universe, right?
Meanwhile Scorponok was having a lovely time unearthing the partially decomposed corpses of the government's soldiers, pushing them up literally like daisies by digging frenetically underground. He loved playing with his toys. He was up on the surface again to inspect the progression of decay on the bodies; some were halfway or fully rotten and some were either showing the beginnings of rottenness or very red and stringy. It was interesting, by all means.
Scorponok briskly skewered a body with his spear of a tail and held it in the air, waving it a little against the sunlight. How dead it was. But then – it must have been the trick of the light or the play of the wind, yet there was hardly any wind – Scorponok thought he saw a knee twitch up for a split second. He growled at it, threatening it to move again. It didn't. He sniffed victoriously and headed back to the base. He was done here.
"I've finally infiltrated the Decepticon base!" some random red-haired girl screamed at a camera that she pointed at herself. "Now to find Starscream!"
"What are you doing here, fleshling?" Megatron growled menacingly.
She stared, not a bit afraid, "I'm with the North Dakota division of the Starscream Mega Fan Club! I'm here to document a day in the life of the greatest Decepticon who ever lived!"
Megatron stated, nonplussed, "Out worm, or I'll crush you."
"Does it bother you that he has over a thousand divisions in his fan club all across the U.S. and you only have one hundred?" Just then, Scorponok ran by, with a bunch of half dead men in soldiers' outfits. She screamed, "No fair, you guys have zombies!"
"To the ventilation systems! I knew we were going to need them, and you all laughed at me!" Barricade cried and crawled into the nearest shaft… and promptly fell through the ceiling.
"Wow, sucks to be you, Barricade," Blackout said from where he miraculously managed to fit himself and Scorponok in the ventilation shaft. Even more miraculous was the fact that it was holding him up just fine. "Well, off to fulfill the next part of my zombie plan…to Alaska!" he announced, carrying Scorponok with him through the vents.
"We told you that you should reinforce this thing," Ravage said to Starscream from his half of the broken ventilation shaft, debating whether he should help Barricade or not.
"No worries…I'll just initiate my back-up zombie plan…I'll purposely infect myself with the zombie virus so I can eat Starscream for indirectly sentencing me to my doom!" Barricade replied cheerfully before running off after some zombies that were terrorizing one of the new recruits. "You there! Zombie! Bite me!"
"Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids! Eat them instead!" the recruit pleaded, running away from them.
Bonecrusher didn't seem the least bit worried as the zombies closed in on him and Brawl. Brawl nervously watched them looking at him. "Why are they all coming for me?" he asked.
"Because I don't eat much and am underweight, while you eat like a cow and have more on you," Bonecrusher explained, playing a handheld video game while the zombies closed in on Brawl.
"Wait! Bonecrusher, no! Save me!" Brawl pleaded.
"Can't hear ya Brawl…too busy shooting Chimera," Bonecrusher replied coldly, continuing to play his game.
Starscream looked around at the madness that surrounded him, tempted to throw the fangirl that was sitting on his foot and talking incessantly to him about something or other to the zombies. He wondered if anyone realized that zombies wouldn't be of any threat to them, being giant robots and all.
…until of course Godzilla randomly came out of nowhere and punched him…
Starscream woke with a start and almost fell off the couch. He looked around the room and noticed it was just like it was when he fell asleep. Scorponok was digging up bodies in the backyard. Bonecrusher and Brawl played Candy Land. Frenzy was crawling around in the ventilation shaft with his oldest brother, Ravage. Megatron was watching TV, and Barricade played a computer game while Blackout watched. There were no fangirls or zombies or Godzilla in sight…
"I gotta stop eating nachos before falling asleep…" Starscream sighed.