A/N: I know, I know. I already have three WIP's so what the heck am I doing? Well did any of you see the leaked clip of the extended kissing scene that happens right after the birthday party? I did and I couldn't get it out of my head. I needed to do something with it and this is what I came up with. I only intend for there to be one more chapter. This picks up on the car ride home after the party and deviates from there. I have to warn you that it is very dark and angsty. While it does have sexual content it is not erotic by nature and you will see what I mean when you read it. Keep in mind this is New Moon we are talking about here.
Anyway, I hope you guys like it. Please leave me a review and let me know what you think of it.
Special wave to Mara. :) This is the one-shot I was telling you about.
And the deepest of gratitude to my beta Aleeab4u. I owe you and adore you.
Oh and Stephenie Meyer owns everything and I thank the powers that be every day that she lets us play with her wonderful characters.
The ride home was swift and silent, and for once my heart wasn't racing because Edward was touching me but rather it was racing because he wasn't touching me. I was afraid. Not afraid of him mind you but afraid of what the events of the night meant, what the repercussions would be, because there are always repercussions. Every action has a reaction and right now Edward's was the silent treatment. I worried that he was mad at me; that I would never be allowed near the Cullen residence again. And I feared something much worse something that constantly ate away all reasonable thought, something I could not allow myself to consider for it was impossible and improbable. It had to be. We reached my house without so much as a glance from him.
We stood next to my truck that was parked on the street across from my house. We were facing each other, each of us trying to figure out what to say, how to end this difficult and emotional evening. I didn't know about him but I knew exactly how I wanted it to end.
I looked at him trying to gauge his mood, assess whether or not he would be receptive to my request. His face was a blank slate. It eerily reminded me of the mask he wore around humans he wanted nothing to do with, the cold facade that seemed to say you are insignificant to me. But I didn't care. Desperation was something I was used to feeling around Edward and I'd long ago thrown my dignity out the window when it came to him.
"It's still my birthday." I declare. "Can I ask one thing?" I pause for a beat and then ask for the thing I need to feel like everything is okay. "Kiss me." My voice breaks and trails off into a whisper.
His facade crumbles before my eyes and he leans in to grant me my request. His face deteriorates into such a grimace of pain that I briefly wonder if this is something he really doesn't want to do. Or perhaps this is what it is like for him every time he kisses me and he's only just now letting me see it.
But then his lips are on mine and all coherent thought slips away.
Damn it. Damn it all to hell. I'd made my decision during the car ride here. This could be no more. I could no longer jeopardize her life with my very existence. It should have been easy. Why couldn't she be like any other girl? Any other girl would have had fear crawling up her spine being in such close quarters with me while my emotions raged within me. My face was a blank slate but the air around me was practically crackling with my anger. But Bella was no normal girl. She stood next to her truck and dared to ask me for a kiss.
I let the mask drop. Why bother with it when our time together was now finite thanks to something as simple as a paper cut? But the anger wasn't the only thing I let her see. I let her see the need in me. I let it roll off of me in waves so much so that when I pulled her to me she gasped in surprise. I kissed her in ways I had never before allowed myself to, opening my mouth to her and pulling her close when usually I was the one pulling away.
I groaned and she whimpered as the kiss ended but neither of us could let go. I felt my body immediately gravitate back towards hers and likewise hers to mine. If this was going to be the last time, if I would never see her again after tonight did I not have the right to claim her? Of course I did. I would take her. I would take the very thing from her she had been offering from nearly the beginning and forever shape the destiny of her memories. I said I was a selfish creature and I meant it.
I leaned in again, this time wrapping both of my hands around the back of her neck and continued my assault on her lips. They would be sore come morning but at least I would have been the last one to cause her pain. I didn't even bother chiding her for grabbing my coat with her injured arm. I trailed my kisses down her throat, that divine and treacherous column of bone and flesh that was meant to protect the life flowing within her. A life that I valued above my own.
When I got to the buttons of her shirt I began to undo them slowly one by one until finally sanity caught up with her and she pulled back. I was having none of that.
I pulled her back to me easily, stifling her words with my mouth and continued to open her shirt right there on the night-darkened street. I reached the midway point, the point where I could feel her bra and hesitated only a moment before sliding the back of my hand over one small mound. She gasped into my mouth and pressed her body to mine and I uttered another guttural moan and turned my hand so I could hold her breast firmly in my palm.
"Wait…Edward…" She mumbled while trying to pull away from me. I didn't bother to hide my look of annoyance.
"I just…I thought…you didn't want to." She continued breathlessly.
"I changed my mind." No emotion. It was a fact and it was all she needed to know.
I saw her trying to process what I was saying. She had always been a clever girl, and I knew if I let her think too long she'd be on to me. I had to keep her from thinking. But I also knew I couldn't just take her here in the street. So where? Not her house; not my house. My mind flew through a variety of options, none of them appealing, until I recalled a log cabin I had come across about 15 miles north of Forks. In the summer it was rented out to tourists, but this time of year tourists were sparse and I was fairly certain we could have the place to ourselves. I picked her up without a word and tossed her almost carelessly onto my back before running into the surrounding woods.
It didn't take long to get there. Bella had been silent the whole way and remained so even when I set her down on the deck of the cabin before the wide double glass doors. It was an easy thing for me to break the lock. A simple turn of the wrist and the door was open. I ushered her inside to the darkened room. To the left was the bed and to the right a small open kitchen. I guided her with a hand placed on the back of her neck to the bedside and turned her to face me.
She looked at me. Innocent, scared, lips parted, heart beating loudly. Deep inside I knew it wasn't supposed to be like this, it was never supposed to be like this, but it had to be. I couldn't leave without knowing her, I couldn't leave with the knowledge that some other man would stake that claim. Only I could do that.
I continued where I left off, unbuttoning her shirt. I moved at a human pace, neither rushed with desire nor slow and sensual. It was simply a means to an end and Bella stood there silently while I did so, almost as if in shock. I pushed her shirt and coat off her shoulders revealing more of her skin than I had ever seen before. In this dim light with a sliver of the moon's glow shining in through the glass doors her skin looked almost as pale as mine. For a brief moment an image of her as one of our kind flashed through my mind but I angrily pushed it away.
My anger seeped into my hands and I hastily tore her bra from her body and my body instantly reacted to the sight before me. I wasn't supposed to enjoy this or take pleasure from it. I knew I would be making no special effort to give her any so why should I feel it? But I did. My body betrayed the calculations of my mind and I locked my mouth to Bella's once more while again grabbing her breast only this time skin was on skin. Cold marble sliding easily against soft warmth and she moaned into my mouth and melted against me, all reservations about our situation slipping away with each caress.
My fingers memorized the curve of her, the heft and weight in my hand, the feel of her skin as it changed from softness to the ridged edges at the center that tightened under my thumb making her gasp. I growled despite my effort to stay focused. This was what the man in me had always wanted and what the animal in me most feared. To lose control, to hurt her. But hadn't she already been hurt? The bandages on her arm were a harsh reminder of that.
I was thinking too much. I needed to focus. I removed the rest of her clothes in an almost clinical fashion and chose not to breathe when I was bent next to the place I would soon invade.
I stood before her waiting, without uttering a single word. She was embarrassed. I could tell by the flush across her skin and the way she dangled her arms in front of her, but to her credit she never broke eye contact with me. She studied me, wondering what was supposed to happen next and when I made no move she seemed to understand.
She stepped forward and raised her trembling hands to the top button of my shirt and undid it slowly. Not in an attempt to be seductive but rather because she was nervous and unsure. I didn't need to read her mind to know that a thousand thoughts were rattling around her head like pieces of a puzzle trying to come together in a windstorm.
While she undid my shirt I slipped my jacket off my shoulders and bunched my fists at my side. My eyes were closed tight not daring to take in the naked form of the woman I adored standing before me, undressing me, thinking we were about to make love.
As my skin was revealed to her, she ran her fingers along it tentatively, testing my reaction which for the moment I was able to keep in check. But when my shirt finally hung open I felt her nose run along the middle of my chest inhaling deeply and then she placed a soft kiss there while her hands encircled my waist.
It had felt good. Too good. I grabbed her shoulders and pulled her mouth away from me and finally dared to look down at her. Hunger had replaced the fear and uncertainty previously residing in her eyes, and while we stared at each other her tiny hands reached back to the front of my pants and began pulling at the clasp keeping them closed.
I let her. This was what I had wanted, wasn't it? I had rationalized with myself that if I allowed her to undress me then it would mean she was a willing participant. I would be forcing nothing on her. So I let her pull the clasp apart and edge the zipper down slowly which in turn caused her thumb and forefinger to inadvertently run down the hard length of my traitorous desire for her. I groaned and squeezed her shoulders tightly until I heard her whimper.
I pushed her hands away and shed the rest of my clothing myself until we both stood nude before each other but neither of us looked anywhere except in each others' eyes. She was breathing faster and I could smell the faintest hint of her body preparing itself for me.
"Lie down." I indicated, pointing at the bed.
She did as I said, never once looking back at me, instead simply staring at the ceiling waiting for whatever I would do next. I was living up to my self-inflicted monstrosity. Here was the only creature I had ever truly loved laying herself before me in perfect trust and in giving her what she wanted I would in actuality be taking everything away. And why? Because of a birthday gone wrong? Because everything about us flew in the face of the natural order of things? This was no Garden of Eden. The lion and lamb could not lay with each other without bloodshed. Not in this world. Not in my world. No. I would take this with me because it would be the only thing that would allow me to keep a tenuous grasp on sanity while I wasted away into eternity.
I touched myself once, trying to prepare myself for what I was about to feel but I knew it wasn't even close. Still, my body reeled at my touch. Such a simple thing that I had hardly ever allowed myself to indulge in. Because I knew that to do so, since being with Bella, would mean that each caress would chip away at my self control until I could no longer resist her and I was terrified of what would happen once passion was let loose. No. It was better this way. This wasn't about passion. It wasn't about physical release of any sort. It was goodbye.
I climbed onto the bed and knelt above her, my legs on either side of her. She still did not look at me. I was at a loss, torn between worshipping her body the way it so richly deserved and taking her violently and quickly so that I could flee and never be seen again.
I felt him above me, but I dared not look. I was scared. I didn't know what was happening. The logical part of me that was buried beneath my conflicting emotions knew that it wasn't supposed to be this way. But it's what I wanted, wasn't it? I didn't dare protest because I knew at any moment he could change his mind and I might never get this chance again.
I knew he wouldn't kill me. I'd always known it even if he didn't. Maybe this was just his way of ensuring that. Maybe he thought if he distanced himself it would be safer that way and if that's what he needed I wouldn't argue.
I felt him spread my legs and place his knees between mine. His cool fingers ran slowly up the insides of my thighs until they rested at the place where my legs connected to the rest of my body. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I so badly wanted him to touch me. I couldn't help it. Despite the strangeness of the situation my body still wanted what it always wanted around him and that was his touch and never had his touch been so close to the place I longed to feel it. How many nights had I imagined those beautiful hands with their long talented fingers caressing me? How many times had I wished I were those ivory keys beneath him when he played his piano?
But it seemed I would not get my wish tonight because instead of touching me he held onto my hips and lifted me gently and placed himself at my entrance. I looked at him and he looked at me. No emotion. Still no emotion and that scared me more than anything. But before I had time to think on it further he slid into me and that look of anguish spread across his face again and his eyes snapped shut.
It hurt. I screwed my eyes shut and stifled a groan. My hands trembled as I clutched the sheets. I felt full. So full. I tried to relax my muscles as I took deep breaths and returned my gaze to the ceiling. A memory of my pelvic exam flashed through my mind and I half expected to see a poster on the ceiling of some sort of waterfall or peaceful snow capped mountain. And like that time I repeated a mantra in my head over and over again. You can do this. You can do this. You can do this.
Finally I felt him move within me, drawing himself out slowly. I felt him tremble and a sound almost like a whimper escaped him. But I still didn't look. He pushed back in and my hands fisted in the sheets beneath me. There was no friction. He slid in easily, smoothly. It was just the girth of him filling me that was uncomfortable. I tried to adjust myself but he had a firm hold on my hips which were lifted completely off the bed.
I took deep breaths and closed my eyes trying to discern some sort of pleasure out of all this discomfort. I realized that I had tensed all of my muscles so I slowly tried relaxing them one by one and that's when I felt the first stirrings of something other than pain.
I lifted her hips to meet mine, not daring to brace myself atop her for fear of forgetting myself and laying my full weight upon her. To be sure her hips would be bruised but that was nothing compared to what I was capable of doing to her.
The feeling. God the feeling. Even in my distanced state there was nothing in the world that compared to this. It was heaven and hell wrapped in one and I found myself quickly losing the battle of trying to remain stoic and aloof throughout this and not enjoy it. Because I was enjoying it. And so was Bella. I felt her trying to move, trying to press herself this way and that to see what would feel best but she couldn't get very far with the way I was holding her. I finally dared to look at her.
Her eyes were closed and her lips were parted, her jaw working as little sounds began to escape her in accordance with the pleasure replacing the pain. Her fists were clenching and unclenching in the sheets and she looked so damn beautiful. I sped up and briefly allowed myself to feel my own pleasure. I shut out everything around me and focused on the feeling of being in her. I looked down at the place we were connected, marveling at how such a thing could possibly be. I sped my movements and I could feel every nuance of every muscle inside of her twitching and molding itself to me. I wanted to touch her. To feel the soft center of her swell and blossom beneath my fingers as she reached the heights of bliss.
The part of me that wanted to be her lover, to be the man she so clearly believed me to be, wanted nothing more than to take away her pain. To ravish her to the point of ecstasy till she could no longer think clearly, till every ounce of fear and terror she'd been subjected to since knowing me was exorcised from her. That day in the field when James' coven showed up, having to lie to her father in the most hurtful way, lying bloodied and battered in the hospital because of what had happened in the ballet studio…
"NO!" I shouted and leapt back from her. I huddled naked in the corner with my back against the wall while my shoulders trembled with dry heaves, the tears I could no longer shed driving me that much further into despair.
"No." I whispered, ashamed of myself.
I heard her shift on the bed, pulling the stale sheets around her, and I knew at any moment she would rise and try to comfort me.
I had no idea what had just happened. Was he about to lose control? Is that why he pushed himself away? He was crouched in the corner shaking like a leaf and I felt remorse. Me and my stupid human hormones. I shouldn't have been so selfish. I wrapped a sheet around me and shifted to my knees with the intention of going to him.
He looked up swiftly, his face contorted in pain. "Don't." he pleaded.
"Edward." My voice came out soft, placating.
"I have to leave, Bella."
I assumed as much. Maybe I was bleeding. Maybe the smell is what had tipped him over the edge.
"Okay." I muttered. "I'm sorry."
She didn't understand. That was clear to me right away. If she knew what I meant she would never so readily agree to it.
"You don't understand Bella." I said, rising. I quickly donned my clothes, faster than her human eyes could perceive, and stood by the glass doors. "I'm leaving you." I emphasized.
"You won't see me again." I said coldly before flinging myself out into the night.
"Wait? What…?" My voice trailed off in disbelief. But he was already gone. My greatest fear had just manifested itself in what should have been an occasion to celebrate and cherish. My love…my life…gone.
"No." I whispered.
I stumbled from the bed, the sheets twisting beneath my feet as I made my way to the glass doors and flung them open. He was nowhere to be found. The cold glow of the moon revealed an empty stretch of road, a road I didn't know.
I felt the panic rising. My heart thundered in my chest in an ever increasing rhythm until it felt like it would burst. I was near hyperventilating when the tears started to flow.
"No." I sputtered.
I crumpled to the floor, barely of mind enough to keep the sheet wrapped around me. I sat there crying, immobile, until my face was smeared with salty tears and snot that I wiped away with the sheets. No wonder he didn't want me. I was a mess. I wasn't even good enough to be seen safely home. Instead I was abandoned in a cabin in the woods and suddenly condemned to a life I could no longer fathom. But without him there was no life. He had just killed me. I simply needed to complete the process.
A strange sort of calm fell over me once I realized what I was going to do, what had to be done. I went to the kitchen on shaky feet and searched the utensil drawer. I found a fillet knife, something I'd grown accustomed to using on the fish Charlie brought home, and decided it would likely work well as it was very sharp and intended for removing skin and bones. I walked back to the bed and lay down facing the now closed front doors and took one last look outside but there was nothing there. Only the dark outline of trees and the empty deck.
It was strange, how calm I felt while holding the knife to my wrist. I'd never done anything like this before, never even thought anything like this before, but I knew it was the right thing to do. A planet cannot live without life to sustain it. I could either die slowly by degrees in an imitation of life or I could choose to end it here and now in the last place I had known him. I chose to end it here, wrapped in his sweet scent and stinging words.
I held the knife at different angles against my wrist. Up? Down? Across? Should I just stab myself with it? If only I had poison like Juliet. I wasn't brave enough for a dagger to the heart.
I tentatively slid the blade across my wrist but only felt an odd sort of tickling sensation. I could see no cut and there was no blood so I did it again, deeper this time. Still no blood. I did it again, applying more pressure and this time I felt a stinging that made me wince. But there was blood. It dotted along the seams of the cut, a liquid promise to the end of pain. I knew I had to act quickly. With my luck I'd faint from the smell before I was able to complete my task. So I cut myself again and again in quick succession until my tears and my blood were flowing in unison and the hole in my chest felt further and further away.
I sped through the forest, my feet barely touching the ground in my haste. Away, away, away, was all I could think and yet I knew it would never be far enough. She was my siren forever singing my song and yet it wasn't my life that was in jeopardy, it was hers. Her life was forfeit in my presence and that was the only thought that could possibly keep me away.
I was angry. So angry. Angry at the universe, angry at God, at Carlisle for changing me, at James and every other threat that had crossed Bella's path since knowing me, and most of all angry at myself. For being weak, for not being able to do the right thing and stay away from her, for loving her and allowing her to love me.
I stopped running and took my anger out at the forest around me shredding trees till they were nothing more than splinters, pounding boulders until they were dust. I screamed rousing the sleeping birds to flight and then I drained every animal I could find that hadn't been smart enough to flee at my arrival. I couldn't stand to hear a single living thing near me because every heartbeat made me think of her.
I fell onto all fours and pawed at the earth beneath me tearing out great clumps of soil wishing that I could tire, that I could bury myself right there in the ground. I wondered how long it would take for me to slip into a torpor, if that was even possible for our kind.
I envied the living more than ever in that moment. I envied their ability to love without boundaries, to feel warmth and tenderness without fearing that death would come of it. I envied their tears and the countless hours of escape that sleep afforded them. I envied their lives. The simple act of a normal life. To be born, to love, to create, to die and to return to heaven. A cycle mandated by the laws of God and nature that I had somehow been left out of.
I tried not to think of the girl I'd just left behind, the only good thing to ever come from my existence. My soul, my life, my heart were all caged within a living breathing human who'd entrusted me with her life, a life that I continually failed to protect.
It's better this way, I thought, but the words were like acid on my tongue. I argued with myself as I slumped against a tree stump in defeat.
Go to her.
You love her.
It doesn't matter.
She loves you.
And look what it's got her? Broken bones, blood, the bite of a vampire who toyed with her like a cat would a mouse before devouring it. And now? Tonight…
I looked up at the heavens mourning all that I had lost. I had granted myself a sliver of hope by being with Bella and it was a mistake. A mistake I wouldn't make again. Yet even as I had that thought I couldn't help but wonder if at this very moment she was gazing at the moon just as I was.
No! I closed my eyes trying to blank out all thoughts of her.
But I couldn't. Her scent was all over me, coating me in memories. Memories of her reluctance to attend her own birthday party, memories of gifts and smiles until they were shattered by a little slip of paper on skin. Memories of the car ride home with no words spoken. I remembered the hopeful look in her eyes while we stood next to her truck and the surprise she felt when I touched her intimately for the first time.
Intimate. It should have been a special thing but I'd ruined it. Her memories would forever be of an incomplete act laced with tears and anger. And I just left her there. Alone. I, who prided myself on being a gentleman, left a woman alone without any knowledge of where she was or any way of getting home.
I had to go back.
I walked slowly prolonging the inevitable. I didn't want to go back. I was afraid I wouldn't have the strength to truly leave her; one look at her could be enough to do me in and lay her bare and vulnerable to the next tragedy and I was sure there would be one. Her life was constantly threatened all because of my selfishness, my desire to live and to love a fragile human girl when I existed in a world of monsters. I wanted her to live; to live and to marry and raise a family and have all of the things I couldn't give her. She couldn't do that with me around.
It took me over an hour to reach the cabin, and as I edged closer to the clearing around it the wind shifted and I was assaulted with the potent scent of her blood. It was strong. Stronger than it should have been from me breaking her maidenhead earlier when I'd taken her. Something was very, very wrong.
Within seconds I stood in the doorway and there before me lay Bella's pale and still form. She was on her side, facing me. A knife dangled limply in one hand while the other was covered in blood. It was caked on her forearm in layers upon layers and stained the sheets beneath her. The air was permeated with the rusty floral scent of her lifeblood.
What have I done?