Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters below. Nor do I own some aspects of the script. They both belong to the BBC and the shows Merlin and Blackadder.
To celebrate the finishing of my exams and of high school in general (YAY!!!) - I've decided to post this extremly random fic. :D
It really just had to be done. The episode of Blackadder II - 'Bells' was just screaming Arthur and Merlin, especially the whole 'in love with manservant' bit.
So what follows is the combination of the two - the characters of Merlin with the script of Blackadder. I hope you enjoy, and I'm sure fans of Blackadder will be able to tell which parts are the actual script and which parts are mine. Please read and review - I'd love to know how random you thought it was. :P
I'm In Love With My Manservant
Arthur was in a bit of a predicament. You see Arthur; Prince Arthur, Son of Uther Pendragon, future King of Camelot, was in love with his manservant. Yes, his manservant. Merlin. And last night he had almost kissed the boy.
It had all started when Merlin mentioned love...
"You know, Merlin. For some reason I find you curiously present company," Arthur had said, after all of Merlin's chores had been done and the two of them were simply relaxing together.
"I am honoured, Sire. I want nothing more than he be with you... as your servant," Merlin replied.
"Well... absolutely," Arthur continued, "I mean there is nothing more healthy and normal than having a good... friend."
Merlin nodded in agreement, before frowning slightly, "Sire, what do you think of love?"
"I... what are you on about, Merlin? What kind of question is that?" Arthur had laughed slightly.
"What would you say, Sire, if I were to say 'I love you'?"
Arthur choked on the water he was trying to drink. "I..." he tried to compose himself, "Well, uh... it would depend entirely on whom you said it to. If you said it to a horse, I would presume you were sick. If you said it to Morgana I would slap you on the back of the head for stupidity and if you said it to me, well..."
"Well, I'd naturally assume you were having me on. And I'd probably punch you softly and we'd have a friendly wrestle like good mates and laugh at what it would be like if we really did... fancy each other."
Merlin grinned as Arthur began to blush. "In that case," Merlin said, "I love you!"
What followed was the "friendly wrestle" Arthur had promised. However, before either of them knew it, they were entirely embracing each other (i.e. more hugging than actual wrestling), their faces mere centimetres away.
"Merlin..." Arthur had stupidly breathed.
"Arthur I..." Merlin leaned more into the embrace so they were flush up against each other. Panicking, Arthur pulled out of the hug and push Merlin away somewhat roughly. His manservant looked hurt and had muttered something before quickly leaving the room.
It had happened so quickly that Arthur was barely able to register the absence of his friend. Sighing, he had walked over and sat down on his bed, wondering what had just happened. Because, when he was holding Merlin he felt like he belonged. He seemed to fit perfectly...
Clearly, he believed there was something wrong with him.
Merlin was quite possibly the least likable boy in the kingdom. He was an incompetent idiot, who didn't know his place and was adamant that he, the Prince, was a prat. (He? The Prince? A prat? As if!?) But yet, Arthur found all of this attractive. He obviously needed to see someone about this. The sooner the better, in his opinion.
Not wanting to trust Gaius, the court physician and incidentally, Merlin's carer, Arthur left the confines of the castle, disguised himself and went in search of a another physician. Luckily he found one.
"Now then what seems to be the problem?" The physician asked, looking down his nose at Arthur, not knowing it was the Prince.
"It's my... uh... manservant," he replied, trying not to be embarrassed.
"I see. Well if you have the pox, just pop your 'manservant' on the table and we'll take a look at him."
"No. No, I mean my actual manservant."
"Ah. And what's wrong with him?"
"I'd give you the list if you wanted it, but that's not the only thing," Arthur muttered, before leaning forward to whisper the last bit. "Last night I almost kissed him."
"I see. So you've started fancying boys then?" And Arthur was glad the physician didn't know who he was.
"What!? No, not boys. Just a boy. An idiotic…" Arthur was cut off.
"Yes, well let's not go on about it. It's all rather disgusting and naturally you're worried," the physician said, with a disappointed shake of his head.
"Of course I'm worried! I mean if my father was to find out…" He trailed off, realising what he said. The physician however wasn't paying attention. He had got up out of his chair and was heading around to, Arthur presumed, more closely examine him.
"Well of course you are worried. It's not every day a man wakes up to find he's a screaming bender with no more right to live on God's clean Earth than a weasel," Arthur opened his mouth to protest, but the physician continued. "Ashamed?" He questioned.
"Uh… no, not really."
"Bloody hell! I would be!"
"Sorry, am I paying for the abuse or is it extra?" Arthur asked, not rising to the insult, as he normally would.
"No, no. It's all part of the service," he assured and Arthur rolled his eyes. "However, I think you are in luck. As far as this case is concerned, I have now had the time to think it over and can strongly recommend a course of leeches."
"Leeches. Apparently you are not a medical man," the physician replied, again with the disappointed tone.
"I've never heard of such nonsense. Leeches!"
"Oh yes. It's a new develop cure for exactly his kind of sordid problem."
"So what do I do with them? Pop a few down my breeches before I go to bed?" Arthur said sarcastically, immediately regretting it, as it quite possibly could have been the recommendation.
"Of course not! Don't be ridiculous. This isn't the dark ages. Just pop four in your mouth in the morning and let them dissolve slowly. In a few weeks time you'll be back to normal and beating your servant just like the rest of us," the physician sat back down at his desk with a sad smile.
"This is totally insane," Arthur exclaimed at the diagnosis. "I just fancy the boy, I don't need any leeches! What nonsense is this? I bet the court physician wouldn't recommend this."
"Well, I doubt it. The kind of noble's he has to deal with, there wouldn't be any sort of that… illness, now would there."
Arthur swallowed. "No, probably not. But there is no way you'll find me putting leeches in my mouth," Arthur said, standing up. "Thank you for your time and abuse. It was most appreciated."
"Thank you very much," the physician reply, clearly not noticing Arthur's sardonic tone. The Prince rolled his eyes and tossed a few coins in the physician's direction before leaving. This was turning out to be much harder than he first expected. There was only one more option: The Wise Woman.
The Wise Woman
With Merlin covering for him, Arthur was able to leave the castle once more, this time to visit The Wise Woman, who hopefully had a solution to his predicament. The Prince rode far and wide, before reaching Putney, the township where The Wise Woman lived.
"Tell me, young crone, is this Putney?" Arthur asked as he leapt down from his horse in front of a… well… a young crone, to be exact.
"That it be, that it be!" She responded in a rather weird, overly-dramatic voice.
"Yes it is!" Arthur corrected. "Not, 'that it be'. And you don't have to talk to me in that silly voice. I'm not a tourist. I seek information about The Wise Woman. Where does she live?"
"The Wise Woman!?" The crone replied dramatically.
"Yes, The Wise Woman," Arthur replied, straight-facedly.
"Two things, must ye know of The Wise Woman."
"Yes?" Arthur said, leaning forward, eagerly.
"First. She is a…" She once again paused for dramatic effect. "woman!" Arthur sighed and rolled his eyes. "And Second. She is…"
"…wise?" Arthur replied, restraining from another eye roll. He didn't have the time for this.
"So you know her!?" The crone was shocked that he knew.
"Just tell me where she lives," Arthur ignored her question.
"Here, of course. Do you have an appointment?"
"Well you can go in anyway."
"Thank you, crone," Arthur replied with a nod of thanks before following the path which, undoubtedly led to The Wise Woman's house. It did. But Arthur wouldn't have called it a house. More of a cave.
"Hail Arthur, Prince of Camelot!" The Wise Woman greeted him and Arthur nearly got the shock of his life. Not because she knew his name, but because she was so hideously ugly.
"I… uh… How do you know who I am?" He managed to cobble together.
"I know much which is unknown to most."
"Right. Then you'll know why I am here?" Arthur hoped, not wanting to explain it.
"Ahh, no actually. You're not dying or anything are you?"
"Ahh, no. It's far worse than that. I'm in love with my manservant," There. He admitted it. That wasn't so hard.
"Oh well… If I were you, I'd sleep with him."
"You what! I'm talking about my manservant here. Merlin, you might have heard of him. About this high," Arthur indicated. "Greasy hair, big ears, pasty skin, has mental affliction."
"Nope sorry," The Wise Woman replied, not sounding sorry at all. "But that's what I do when I fancy people. I sleep with them. Oh, I'd have to drug them first of course. Being so old and warty," Arthur nodded, in definite agreement.
"But what about my position, as Prince. If anyone was to find out. If my father was to find out…"
"Very well then," The Wise Woman said. "Three other paths are open to you. Three cunning plans to cure your ailment."
"Wonderful! What are they?"
"The first is simple. Kill Merlin."
"Tempting, but I never could," Arthur said, jokingly, yet seriously.
"Then perhaps the second. Kill yourself."
"Uh… not really what I had in mind. And the third?"
"The third," The Wise Woman paused dramatically. Arthur rolled his eyes, what was it with these people in Putney and their dramatic pauses? "The third ensures that no one else ever knows!"
"That sounds more like it!" Arthur said, gleefully.
"Kill everybody in the whole world!" The Wise Woman said, with a cackle, before magically disappearing.
"Oh sod it!" Arthur cursed, before trudging back to his horse; the young crone having, thankfully, gone. It looked like there was no way out of this. He'd have to confront Merlin himself about it and hope it didn't end too badly.
Arthur returned to the castle, got Merlin out of the stocks and brought him up to his chambers, where he the locked the door behind them.
"Now, look here, Merlin," Arthur began. "I've got something very important to say to you and I want you to listen very carefully."
"Yes, Sire," Merlin replied.
"I'm just going to come out and say it, Merlin, alright," Arthur said.
"Merlin, I think I love you."
The young manservant, widened his eyes at the Prince in shock. "But… Arthur…"
"I know, this may be coming as a bit of a shock, Merlin. But it's the truth and I can contain my feelings for you, no longer."
"Arthur…" Was all Merlin could manage.
"I can understand if you do not share the same feelings and will leave you alone if you do, but I had to let you know."
"And I know it's hard with my position as Prince, but I still want to-," he was cut off, as Merlin suddenly closed the gap between them and the Prince felt Merlin's soft lips pressed against his own. It took him a few moments to realise what was happening, before he relaxed and kissed back, looping his arms around the manservant's back.
"I… I love you too, Arthur!" Merlin replied, as he pulled out of the kiss and embrace. "What did you think that other night was about?"
Arthur simply smiled and nodded. It was obvious now, and Merlin continued.
"I do. I didn't know what was wrong with me. Gaius simply shook his head when I told him."
"You told Gaius!" Arthur said, shocked and Merlin nodded apologetically before continuing.
"And then I went to see this strange physician who recommended a course of leeches," Merlin shuddered. "They tasted disgusting and the abuse he gave was horrid!"
Arthur just stood there, agape in shock.
"And then I went all the way to this strange place called Putney, to see a Wise Women. And she just said I should kill myself, kill you, kill everyone in the world or…" Merlin trailed off.
"Sleep with you," Arthur finished, now knowing what the last option was.
"Yes!" Merlin said, astonished that the Prince knew. They stared at each other in shock and happiness before Arthur broke the silence.
"So… what about it?"
"What!?" Merlin blurted. "Sleep with you?" And Arthur nodded. Merlin thought about it for a moment, before smiling.
"I thought you'd never ask," Arthur smiled at Merlin and Merlin smiled back at Arthur. Both of them now knowing that if there was a next time, they'd just come out with the truth. The leeches and the wise woman just weren't worth it.