by aliccolo Pairing: Johnny Storm/Frank Castle Rating: PG-13 Archive: Seriously? Yes. If you think it's good enough. I would be so happy. Just let me know if you want to, and if so, where. Notes: This is the crackiest crack ever to have been crackified. Dedicated to and inspired by geekpenguin, old_blueeyes, & thundercrap.
Synopsis: Frank Castle meets Johnny Storm. They fall in love. Fanfiction cliches ensue.
One day Johnny Storm was sitting on a park bench, staring sadly at the squirrels as they squeaked and happily played with their nuts. The world was a horrible place, and Johnny Storm was very miserable. His latest girlfriend, Juanita, had just dumped him in order to become a Buddhist monk, and this made Johnny really sad. So he sat on the park bench and watched the squirrels, and generally cursed his crappy love life.
Across the park, Frank Castle was busy killing some mafia guys, exploding their brains across the pavement, leaving pretty patterns of blood and cerebellum in his wake. It was a fine night for killing, the sun had just set and the city was settling down. It was such a fine night that Frank had almost forgotten his poor dead Maria, and little Lisa and Frank, Jr. That was until he caught a glimpse of the happy squirrel family, chattering at each other.
"We used to be like those squirrels, so happy, so carefree," Frank said, to no one in particular, holstering his weapon with a sad sigh. "Now look at me. Forgive me Maria!"
This caught Johnny's attention, and he looked up from the rodents, nearly leaping off the bench when he saw the famed murderer before him. Frank Castle had quite the reputation, he was a serial killer and a very dangerous man, totally bad news. But Johnny always had a thing for danger...
"Are you talking to me?"
Frank growled, drawing his weapon again, aiming it at the intruding soliloquy usurper. "Is your name Maria, you dumb little shit?"
"No. I'm Johnny, Johnny Storm," the dumb little shit answered boldly, flinching very slightly as he eyed the gun. "You know, the Human Torch."
Frank did know, he recognized him from the TV and newspaper reports. Kid looked better in person, downright delicious in fact, with his big blue eyes and his sunny smile. He reminded Frank of Maria in a way. Like a slightly masculine version of his wife..."Yeah, I know you. But do you know me?"
"Sure do! You're the Punisher! You murder bad guys!" Johnny nodded, daring to stand up. "Gosh, Sue would be so mad if she knew I was talking to you..."
"Don't wanna get you in trouble," Frank said gruffly, putting his gun away, turning his back on Johnny. He had no issue with Storm. The kid was a hero, a real live hero, like Frank had been once, before the system let him down and he became a fugitive. "Go on home, boy. Get back to your sister. There's danger in the park."
Johnny snorted. He liked danger, and he could take whatever the park could throw his way! "I'm not afraid! I've faced down villains plenty of times. What danger could the park possibly hold?"
It was as if the park had heard his boasting though and wanted to give Johnny his comeuppance. Before either he or Frank could react, Johnny was suddenly attacked by six dozen squirrels!
His screams of terror shattered the peaceful night. He flailed helplessly for a moment before remembering to flame on, engulfing himself and the rodents instantly. Unfortunately though, they were left with six dozen angry squirrels who were now on fire! That's when they turned their attention to Frank!
"Oh my God! The squirrels are attacking me! And they're on fire!" Frank cried, swatting at them, trying to pluck their filthy little claws out of his flesh.
"I'll save you!" Johnny shouted. He used his powers then to combust the animals into little piles of ash.
Frank was a scratchy, bloody mess, now covered with squirrel ashes as well, panting, trying to brush the residue from his body. "Thank you. You saved my life. How can I ever repay you?"
Johnny thought it over for a minute before grinning gleefully, "Buy me dinner!"
And thus began the most unlikely friendship of all.