O.O. That's all I can say. Read my always long at the end of the story Author's Note. XP! Lyrics curtsey of Hollywood Undead. Can you please read the lyrics? Yeah? XD! I know, I always skip them but if I know the song, I just play it and read. That isn't the case half the time. No one would write a fic with the song 'Master of Puppets' but meh. XD!
"They say these seven things is what makes us up. C for Crying. I for Irritation. R for Redemption. C for Care. L for Languish. E for Eternity. S for Serenity. The 'Circles' theory. They say that these things make up life…it makes it sad and it makes it good at the same time…the 'Circles' theory."
"I don't feel good about anything anymore…" Phil says, looking down at the floor. "I just feel so damn sad."
Matt twists a thick strand of his hair around his finger. An entire day of no sleeping, no eating, he's mentally and physically exhausted and all he can think about is Phil, about how hurt he may be, the Doctors explaining about Phil's allergic reaction to alcohol, about his physical exhaustion but Matt doesn't care as long as Phil's fine.
"Mr. Hardy?" that snaps Matt out of his trance.
"Are you listening?"
Matt nods his head. "Is he going to be okay?"
The male just stares at him for a few moments, 'he's losing so much blood and so fast…I don't know what we can do about it. We tried patching up his cuts and stitching him but I'm afraid that either we need a donor or—"
"Test me." Matt just stares at him. "Just test me. Please."
"Do you want to look at him?"
"I HURT HIM! I hurt him again! Don't you understand, Jeff?! I just keep on hurting him and he doesn't deserve that all around! I'm just bad luck to poor Phil. I won't hurt him ever again…I know it's gonna hurt me not to see him again but…Jeffy, you're fine. You can go there and tell me about him… but I can't see him again, Jeffy. I'm nothing but bad luck…"
Matt simply shakes his head, keeping his face emotionless, 'I don't want to look at him. No. Just test me."
It's only after the test that Matt realizes that they're a perfect match and allows them to take as much blood as they need, and he doesn't really care if they're claiming it unhealthy for Matt to donate so much blood for Phil's sake but Matt allows them to, until he says that he feels dizzy.
"Tell me if he's fine."
"You can look at him, you know."
"No." Matt snaps. "I can't."
Matt returns back to the waiting room, as he opens the radio, just trying to drown out the thoughts that are in his head, of horror of what's going to happen to his loved one, lying right there, in that room, getting hurt, getting worse, by the second and the blood may not be enough to support Phil…
"Take my hand let's go/Somewhere we can rest our souls./We'll sit where it's warm/You say look we're here alone."
Matt shakes his head at the cheesy lyrics as Jeff runs towards him, and looks down at him, 'Matty? Are you okay? What happened?"
"He needed blood and I gave it to him."
Jeff just stares at him for a moment as Matt's tears fall from his face, 'it might not be enough, Jeffy. I'm fucking scared and I don't want to see him. I'm scared. I'm so fucking scared…"
"Matt…" Jeff reaches out and Matt embraces his little baby brother, Matt's hand stroking through Jeff's hair. "Shh…Matty…"
It's so weird how the one that comforts is now comforted. Matt takes soft, sharp breaths until the Doctor comes out of the room and looks at both of Matt and Jeff, 'he's stable for now."
"For now?!" Matt exclaims.
"We're going to give him a surgery and as long as he doesn't move enough to open his cuts, he should be fine." The Doctor simply says as Matt nods his head, smiling weakly and Jeff stands up to peek into the room, seeing Phil draped along the bed, his eyes halfway open and looking around the room.
When Jeff looks back, he realizes that Matt's gone.
"I was running in circles/I hurt myself/Just to find my purpose."
Jeff steps into the room. Phil staring at him. "Jeff…"
Jeff's about to say something but Phil brings up the subject quicker than Jeff can, 'Jeff…M-Matt…? Where is he?"
"He thinks he's hurting you so he doesn't want you to see him. He thinks he'll cause more drama."
Phil's eyes widen. "Matty…"
Jeff sits down besides Phil, holding onto his hand, 'let's talk about something else, Phil."
"The Circles theory. It's right."
Jeff raises an eyebrow.
"C is for Crying. For all the tears I've shed. I for Irritation. For all the pain and annoyance of this world that's crashing down onto me. R for Redemption. Because there's always a piece of heaven here on Earth, even if I'm clearly going to Hell. C for Care. Because there's always someone that cares. L for Languish. Languish…we're all just puppets in this world that are played together by strings…we ask ourselves who we are and when we figure out who we are, we try to cover our identity with lies and deception because we're afraid… E for Eternity because there's just that one moment that's always in your head, that seemed to last forever…and S for Serenity. The peace that you get when you look outside and you're dying and the skies are all gray but…but you don't want the silence anymore. You just want to stand up and scream…"
Jeff hugs Phil, 'the silence is defeating, Jeffy. I woke up this morning and I thought and it hurts…"
Jeff strokes the back of Phil's hair. "It's gonna be alright, Phil."
"No! It isn't," Phil sobs uncontrollably. "I'm gonna die…I feel it…it's a scary feeling and Matt…I want to see him! Please, let me see him! Or I'll go find him myself! Jeffy…I love him. I love him. I need to see him now."
Jeff simply nods his head and kisses Phil's nose. "I'll tell him."
Phil simply lets silent tears fall. "I love him."
"I know you do."
"I love him so much it hurts…" Phil's voice cracks. "It hurts so much."
"Everything was so worthless/I didn't deserve this/But to me you were perfect."
That night, Jeff walks inside of the house to find Matt lying down on a couch and Jeff walks towards him, his face plastered with annoyance as Jeff sits down, looking at Matt, 'you know, you hurt him just by not showing up there."
Matt stares at Jeff, 'I'm just scared, Jeffy. Whenever he's around me, he just gets so hurt and I'm scared…I'm scared that he's going to die because of me. I don't know what'll happen but the world is trying to tell me not to come near him, that he'll get hurt, he'll get so damn hurt."
Matt sniffs out a sob. "Please, Jeff-"
"He tells me that he loves you."
Matt nods his head, 'and I love him too. He's my every star in the sky…how is he?"
"He really loves you, Matty."
Matt ignores that for a moment, 'how is he? Is he really hurt? Did my blood help him any?"
Jeff nods his head, 'your blood helped him. He's doing better now, Matty but he'd be so much happier if you're around. He thinks he's going to die, Matt. Just one minute with him. Just that long. Matty."
"One minute can make or break him, Jeff, 'Matt stares at Jeff, 'one minute is all that it needs for your entire world to shatter and fall. One minute…I can't see him. I told you my reason, Jeff. Honor it."
"Honor what?! That you're going to hide out here like a coward while Phil rots in the hospital?!"
"You don't understand." Matt snaps.
"You don't understand that the guy you love is suffering because you refuse to see him. He feels ugly on the inside, Matty." Jeff retards, looking at Matt's eyes, those hard brown eyes warm into liquid as he looks down.
Matt takes Jeff into his embrace, stroking his hair.
"I'm so scared…"
"I'm scattered through this life./If this is life I'll say good bye."
Matt takes a deep breath that morning and is about to go towards the hospital to go and see Phil, blinking every few moments as he looks down at the clock and halfway through, he stops the car and puts his head into his hands and lets the painful tears fall from his face, sobs escaping his body.
He's a wreck and he doesn't care.
With that, he turns his car around.
He just can't do it.
"She's gone like an angel/With wings let me burn tonight."
He spends his time going around town, as long as he doesn't go home and confront Jeff, he wants to go all around the world, be alone, try to forget everything, try to remember why he's doing this, try to remember the reason for him driving ten fucking hours around the same zone… he stops by a park that's all too familiar. The park that Phil and him had gone in their date and Matt slowly steps inside of the park, the greenness dulled, the sky gray…there's just nothing left there.
Matt turns around and leaves, unable to take it anymore. He goes towards a bunch of shops, just not back towards that place of darkness, of memories of horror. After hours of trying to get what he wanted, Matt takes a white cardboard bag with him and he knows what he's supposed to do now.
"Phil." Matt tells himself.
"I was running in circles/I hurt myself/Just to find my purpose."
Matt stands by the car, holding onto the car door's handle but he can't do it. He just can't do it. He spends fifteen minutes just standing there, just thinking thoughts of nothingness.
"Everything was so worthless/I didn't deserve this/But to me you were perfect."
Jeff stands by the doorway, knowing that he's supposed to bash Matt later on as he looks back at Phil who breaks his heart into pieces, shattering everything. Jeff just stands there, staring at Phil who's playing with the hem of his shirt since Jeff had paid them to let Phil wear his own clothing. Jeff turns around to face the Doctor, 'we need to take Phil in for surgery. If he doesn't do this surgery…"
Jeff nods his head. "Okay." His eyes are tearful as they look back at Phil, whose just simply waiting for Matt.
They wheel him over towards the surgery room and Jeff follows.
"Jeff…" Phil starts, looking up at Jeff's eyes, 'Matty? Matt?"
"He-he's coming." Jeff lies, knowing that Matt couldn't do it, he wants to smash his fist onto the table but Phil shakes his head, tears gathering in his eyes.
"He's not coming." Phil knows, 'he's not coming, is he, Jeff?"
Jeff just stares at him, stares at the pain that's in his face because of the realization and Jeff's silence speaks more than Jeff's words but he nods his head, 'he's not coming." Jeff confirms.
"I'm not doing the surgery."
Jeff's eyes snap open. "You'll die if you don't."
"I don't want to live anymore…" Phil shakes his head, his eyes closing up and Jeff just stares at him. "I really don't want to live anymore…"
"Phil, you've got-"
"Nothing," Phil finishes the sentence for him. "I've got nothing anymore, Jeffy."
Jeff turns around, feeling his stomach churn as his head spins with a thousand thoughts, he turns back to Phil to see his eyes certain as he nods his head, those soft eyes, so in pain, the paleness of his face…
"I see me writin' on this paper./Prayin' for some savior./Wishin' to intake her and save her."
Matt decides to go now, he sits down onto his seat, starting up the engine and going by smoothly, past the cars and the shops, his eyes just in front of the road yet a thousand thoughts rush through his head. Is he alright? How mad is Jeff going to be? …does he even want to see me? Matt bites down his lower lip but continues down the path. I'm sorry…
This time I mean it.
Matt's cell phone continues to ring yet Matt doesn't answer.
He won't let anything distract him anymore.
"In a world so, so godless so thoughtless/I don't know how we wrought this/All the love that you brought us."
"You are doing this surgery, Philly!" Jeff exclaims.
He turns around to face Randy Orton who's smirking, 'do you want me to hold him down?"
Jeff smiles at the warm face in front of him as Randy leans down and kisses him, soft and quick, before Jeff nods his head and at that, Randy walks towards Phil, pinning him down as softly as he can to not hurt the poor child's muscles.
"He's hurting me!" Phil knows he's lying but he doesn't care. "He's hurting me…" Phil has tiny tears burning at the corners of his eyes.
"It feels like I'm killin' myself./Just willin' myself./Just to pray for some help."
Matt realizes the traffic around him and to that, he presses his head down onto the steering wheel, gripping tightly the wheel as if he's holding on for his dear life.
"All because of Jeff? All this be-because you don't want to stop using me and Jeff? Well, then, fuck you. I'm staying and have fun while you burn in Hell, Matthew Moore Hardy. I'm sick and tired of your attitude. I'm sick and tired of you. I…I hate you! How could you do this to me?! I LOVED YOU!"
Matt accidentally hits a metal part of his car, his hand bleeding yet he sinks down and waits for the traffic to slow down.
"I'd give it all just to have, have your eternity./Cause it's all that assures me./It's worth all that hurts me."
"HE'S HURTING ME!"
For the past ten minutes, all that Phil looks like is as if he's going through searing pain, he knows that he's faking but part of the pain is real. Phil turns around towards Jeff, sobbing, Jeff looks at Randy and nods his head as Randy takes his hands off, Phil whimpers, pressing his head towards the pillow.
"Phil, are you scared because of the surgery? It's going to go well."
"I'm not scared because of the surgery! I'm not scared of anything. I just want to die in peace, why can't you just accept that?!" Phil exclaims, his throat dry and his head spinning. Now, the pain is completely and utterly real. "He's hurting me…"
"I'm not touching you!" Randy exclaims, raising his arms up.
"He's hurting me…"
"Phil, take a breath."
"I'd give you my heart/and I'd let you just hold it./I'd give you my soul/But I already sold it."
Matt's fingers trail along his steering wheel.
"He's got your eyes, Ruby."
Matt cringes at the memory.
'He's selfish, he's cruel, and he's stupid…'
Matt senselessly continues to bash himself as he tries to find his destination, but there's no hospital in sight, he's still too far away…
"On that day/That day I walked away in December./I will always remember./I'll regret it forever."
"Are we doing this or are we not?" The Doctor simply asks.
Jeff nods his head, 'we're doing this, Phil."
"No, no, no, I don't wanna do this fucking surgery! I don't want to!" Phil's eyes stare at Jeff's face for a while, Jeff's sympathetic face, before Phil's hand weakly reaches out to touch Jeff's, 'why?"
"Why do you want to die?" Jeff asks.
"Because I've got nothing. I'm serious, Jeff, I've got nothing. I've got nothing more than this face that's not even pretty anymore…I'm so ugly on the inside that it's showing on the outside too…I'm nothing now."
"I used to be beautiful, Jeff. I really did…but now…I'm just not."
With distressed messy jet black hair finding its way to his flesh, his flesh so pale that it seems as if he's a ghost, the stitches, the dark clothing that he's wearing, Phil just stares at Jeff while Jeff just stares back, not knowing what to say at all.
"I remember brown eyes/So sad and blue skies./Turned to darkness and night./I'm so sick of the fight./I won't breathe unless you breathe/Won't bleed unless you bleed/Won't be unless you be/'Till I'm gone and I can sleep."
Matt finally finds a clear spot out of the traffic, his heart pounding. He just can't believe that he's going to have to face everything now, to let it all hit him.
With that, Matt strips Phil down, even tearing off his wet underwear then stepping back to stare at the naked Phil. He knows that he's a heavy sleeper, something that Jeff has told him before. Matt looks through the drawer and pulls out Phil's yellow pajamas before dressing him into the t-shirt and shorts, leaving him in the satin, glowing due to the moonlight escaping from the window.
'Dammit, he's so fucking beautiful.'
Matt kisses his lips as lightly as he can before walking out to see Jeff standing there with a scowl on his face.
Matt shakes his head and right now, he sees the hospital in front of him, not long now until he reaches it. A smile plays on his lips, he honestly wants to see Phil but he's too scared of what's going to happen, too scared of the aftermath of all this.
"I was running in circle/I hurt myself/Just to find my purpose./Everything was so worthless/I didn't deserve this/But to me you were perfect."
"Phil, are you hungry?"
Phil wants to die and Randy fucking Orton is asking him if he's hungry. Phil slips under his covers, nodding his head. "Yeah…"
"I'll go get some food. Come with me, Jeffy, 'Randy grins, and Jeff nods, taking Randy's hand, both of them walk out of the room, leaving Phil alone with his thoughts for a moment. Matt. Matt. Matt. Phil turns towards his Doctor who seems to be writing things on a clipboard and to that, Phil asks the Doctor for some painkillers. The Doctor nods his head as he walks out of the operation room to find a painkiller for Phil before his operation. Phil lets the silence consume him.
Before he slips out of bed and walks out of the room.
"I was running in circles/I hurt myself/Just to find my purpose./Everything was so worthless/I didn't deserve this./But to me you were perfect."
Jeff bites into a cookie as he returns back to Phil's operation room as Randy leans down to kiss him for a moment then he returns the kiss. Jeff walks towards the operation room and gasps when he realizes that Phil isn't here. Jeff turns around to face Matt, '…Phil's missing," Jeff simply says.
"What?!" Matt exclaims, staring at the empty operation room.
"He's missing." Jeff repeats. "Matty?"
"I knew you'd come." Jeff smiles warmly.
"Too late." Matt tells him, holding his head in his hands for a moment, 'I'm too late, Jeffro."
"We'll find him." Jeff promises.
"You said it yourself, he needs the surgery or he'll die without it…how long is he going to last out there? Three hours? Two? One? For all I could know, he could be dead right now… God, I fucked this up again."
"We'll find him, Matt!" Jeff exclaims, his eyes onto Matt's face, 'hey, big brother, I'm not gonna let him get hurt. Okay?"
Matt slowly nods his head. "Okay." His voice is cracked.
"I've gone away/Seen better times in yesterday (I hurt myself)./It's hard to say/That everything will be okay (I hurt myself)."
Matt has been circling anywhere and everywhere. He has his cell phone on just in case Jeff calls, Jeff had gone with Randy, leaving him alone for the moment before a thought crosses his head and he finds himself going back to the park where his and Phil's first and only date is at.
He walks out of the car, looking around but unable to find anything or anyone.
A droplet of rain falls.
Oh great. Rain. Just enough to complete this scene out of a horror movie.
Matt goes on, looking around and finds Phil sitting down on a swing, the hard rain falling onto his flesh but he doesn't seem to care. Matt walks towards him, looking at him, 'Phil."
"Matt, 'Phil finally lets out the sob that's been fighting to escape his throat and he doesn't know if he's happy or sad. "Matty…"
Matt picks up Phil from the swing, swinging him so that Phil's in Matt's hands and that Phil's hands are wrapped around Matt's neck. Both of their eyes meeting. "I love you so much, baby…"
"You're an idiot, 'Phil finally says, causing both of them to laugh.
"I swear, we're like kids here…" Matt grins.
"It's almost like I'm not dying and you're not going to get yelled at like Hell by Jeff later, 'Phil's eyes then darken slightly as Matt loses balance and Phil tumbles on top of Matt, laughing and giggling as if it's that date all over again, not a care in the world and Phil finally really care about life or death anymore, the feeling comes naturally around Matt, Matt leans down to kiss Phil's lips.
Phil stands up and Matt follows, helping Phil from falling when he doesn't seem to be balancing out.
Matt sits down onto the swing and Phil sits on top of him, Phil's hand is on the left chain and Matt's hand is on the right chain.
"You are so getting a cold." Phil smiles, resting his head onto Matt's shoulder.
"Look, Phil, you're dying. I'm supposed to take you back to the hospital. Come on, Phil, let's not make this hard on both of us. Let's go back and you can do the surgery and hey, I'm gonna be there with you. I'll hold your hand, Phil, I'm never going to let you go again…"
The sound of lightening and thunder.
Phil just stares up at the sky, 'you swore that we're like kids here, right? Kids don't care about hospitals or surgeries or any of that. I know I'm going to die. I don't want to do it in a hospital. I don't want to spend the last few minutes of my life in a white hospital. Matt…"
Matt nods his head in understanding, 'I love you more than every star in the sky."
Phil giggles. "That's a lot of stars…"
"I know." Matt grins before he kisses onto Phil's forehead, 'and I love you more than every one of them."
"Look at the stars, Matty."
Matt's eyes drift towards the starry black sky. "Yeah. A lot of stars."
Phil's eyes lock with Matt's, 'hmm, love?"
Matt pulls out a black box from his pocket and Phil snatches it before Matt can say anything. "Hey, I didn't even ask the question."
"You don't have to, asshole."
"So now I'm an asshole?"
Phil nods and giggles before he opens the box and pulls out the diamond ring, 'so, you gonna say a 'yes' or a 'no' or a 'what do you think'?"
"Yes. I love you more than every star in the sky." Phil grins, slipping the ring into his finger as he looks down at it. "This is the worst romance book every."
"I know." Matt presses Phil towards his chest. "You're dying. I don't care if it's not a cheesy romance moment."
"I don't either."
"But that is so my line."
"It's a cheesy line."
"And it's true. I really do love you more than every star in the sky." Matt smiles at Phil, as they look up at the sky.
"Yeah and those are a lot of stars…"
"I've gone away/Seen better times in yesterday (I hurt myself)/It's hard to say/That everything will be okay…"
Jeff finally thinks that his search is over, he feels devastated, as he looks through the messages he has and he realizes that Matt's at the park, he looks at Randy and tells them of their next destination.
Jeff steps into the park, his heart beating and every step feels like it takes an eternity. A gasp escapes his lips.
Jeff's eyes widen.
Sobs escape Jeff's lips and all that Randy can do is offer support as he holds onto Jeff while he sobs and cries.
The sky's dark.
The rain's gone.
There's more sunshine in the night than it is in the morning for some reason.
There lies onto the floor, Phil and Matt, just an inch away from the swing that they're sitting on and Jeff can't explain it, he thinks there are smiles on their faces…he doesn't really know anymore. He's too busy crying his eyes out to look properly.
(I HURT MYSELF!)
'The news had spread worldwide…indeed, both Matt Hardy and Phil Brooks had been sitting on a swing. Both of them were electrocuted by thunder. Rest in peace, Phil and Matt.'
"That's a sad story, Mom."
"Shut up. You wanted me to tell you a real story, didn't you?"
I watch as sixteen year old Luciano nods his head. Luciano looks down at the blue bed covers of his bed, 'wait…those names…Phil and Matt… those names remind me of someone. I dunno. I think I heard of them."
I simply nod my head at Luciano's gesture.
"They're…" Luciano seems to be at thought.
My husband walks inside of the room and leans down towards them. "Yeah, little kiddo, Matt's your Mother's brother."
"Randy!" I exclaim, 'he didn't figure it out himself."
"Let's ground him anyways."
"Hey! I didn't do anything!"
"Luciano…" I start and at that, Randy laughs, taking my arm and kissing my cheek. "Come on, baby doll, let's go towards the bed."
"I do not want to hear Mom's-"
"Don't worry. I'm gonna ground him. No TV or going out or anything." I giggle at him but I know he's joking and to that, Randy takes me towards our bedroom and starts kissing me chastely, then he stares down at me. "Hey, you know, Matt and Phil are happy, aren't they? Don't worry…"
"I can hear them…laughing… you know, whenever I walk into the park. It's just hard for me but I gave Matt what he wanted. I know they're happy but still… I know I gave Matt my future, see? I'm married to you. Even though I don't love you."
"Shut up. You know you love me." Randy grins. "You agreed to my proposal. Though I don't think your next husband will appreciate it if you had a wedding in a park when it's pouring rain on the outside… hell, your dress was so wet that we saw that you weren't wearing any underwear down there, Jeffro."
"I don't choose to wear underwear, understand?" I cross my arms.
"Hey, hey, I'm sorry, baby. Cody and Ted did the same thing on their wedding, didn't they? It was raining and Cody was wearing the dress and as if that wasn't enough, Ted knocked a bottle of water down onto Cody's dress. The look on Cody's face…now, that's priceless. Hey, 'Randy's eyes glitter, 'how about we go out to a picnic in the park? You, me, Luciano, Cody, Ted and Maverick?"
Maverick is Cody and Ted's little baby boy. He's about two months old. Cody and Ted had gotten married only five months ago. Luciano is my adopted child but my baby had died around two weeks after his birth. Randy suggests that I adopt Luciano as closure and I'd indeed gotten close to him more than I thought I would.
"I'd love that." I grin at him.
"Great. Now entertain me."
"Shut up, Randy."
Two children stand around, a ravenette takes a skip rope from the floor and turns to the elder one. The eight year old takes the rope from the ground and walks towards the other thirteen year old.
"You're 13 and you can't even skip right!"
"Excuse me for not being a girl."
"Come on, I'll teach you…"
They start skipping with the rope, both of their eyes meeting as the elder one holds onto the eight year old's tiny waist, '1, 2, 3, 4…" and with that, the eight year old accidentally falls onto the thirteen year old's body.
The elder one bursts with laughter. "And he says that I have two left feet!"
The eight year old pouts.
"I swear, we're like kids here…"
"I love you more than every star in the sky, Phil." The thirteen year old, Matt, grins.
"It's morning, you idiot! And that line will never ever work! Do you want to go back to that fight? There are a lot of stars in the sky! Lots and lots of stars! It's not gonna work, Matty!"
Phil gives in. "I love you more than every star in the sky, too, Matt."
"Ha! It works!"
It's really over. O.O. In the saddest way I can think of by the way. XP!
I can't believe it. I feel like it's yesterday that I wrote the first chapter, XD! But I'm happy that it's over. Sorta. 'Cause now I can pay attention to more things, can't I? XP! A lot of my fics are going to be over soon and I have a ton of new ideas…most of them are Junk and/or Hardycest for some weird reason.
Oh, and I LOVE YOU, KASSY.
I must not forget to add that.
Publically enhance my love for her. X3!