Title: Letters to Merlin
Word Count: 1,204
Summary: Merlin finds a letter addressed to him, a letter than Arthur never intended him to find. Pre-slash fluff. Lots of sickly sweet fluff.
Disclaimer: Alright! Fine! I own nothing more than Merlin season 1 on DVD. I just like playing with my favourite two boys! Woop!'
A/N: Yet another random slice of fluffy fluff. I should really stop with these... lol. I also want to thank each and every one of you who have reviewed my other Merlin stories, 'Sleeping Remedy and 'Intoxicated Truths'. The response for both have been astounding! Thank you! Thank you a million times! :)
Merlin let himself into Arthur's room and immediately set to gathering Arthur's cast aside clothing that was strewn right across the room. Bending down to retrieve one of Arthur's tunics from dangerously close to the fire, something caught his eye. A parchment, screwed up and slightly singed from its extremely close call with the flames.
Merlin tossed the tunic in his hands in the general direction of the laundry basket he had brought into the room with him and grabbed the parchment. Just as he was about to toss it into the flames as he was sure his Prince had intended, he saw his name staring up at him in Arthur's neat but clearly hasty writing.
Frowning, Merlin straightened up and unscrewed the parchment only to be met with a full letter, addressed to him.
This, I hope, you never find. I cannot imagine my humiliation at your inevitable rejection were you to know of my innermost thoughts and so I fully intend to burn this note as soon as I am finished.
Merlin looked up from the letter and glanced around the room. He felt almost guilty for reading something that Arthur obviously intended to keep secret but, he reasoned, this was actually addressed for him if not entirely intended for him. Taking a deep breath Merlin continued to read.
It seems that my Father has instilled an inability in my personality to express my feelings for those that are close to me and I fear that this may extend to you. I dearly hope that you are aware of how much I care for you, despite my inability to tell you as I should. I promise you that I have tried, but words of affection continue to fail me in your presence. Even now, I am finding it difficult to write these words in spite of the fact that I know this will never find you. But Merlin, I do love you.
Merlin's heart stuttered. His gasp sounded loud and ragged even to his own ears. Suddenly feeling as though he was intruding, Merlin swallowed hard and intended to screw up the note in his hands but could not bring himself to destroy it. Instead, he folded the note carefully and tucked it inside his tunic. He would decide what to do later. For now, he desperately needed to clean his master's chambers.
Hours later, Merlin had been dismissed by Arthur for the night and was finally allowed to retire to the antechamber next door to Arthur's room as he had recently taken to doing as Arthur had begun to shout for him during the night. His mind skipped back to the note; I do love you.
Staring at the ceiling for what felt like an eternity, Merlin's mind skittered over the words he remembered from the note. There was more to the note; he had stopped reading not even half way through. Perhaps Arthur explained that his love for him, Merlins heart sped up involuntarily, was purely platonic. Decision made, Merlin dived towards his discarded tunic and dug around in search of the note. Pulling it out victoriously, Merlin lit the candle next to his bed and flattened the note out against his stomach before raising it into his eyeline.
Taking a deep, steadying breath, he read.
I do love you. More than I can express. More than, I think, anyone can express if I am honest and, in light of the fact that this is merely an outlet for my thoughts, I feel that I must be for the sake of my sanity.
Merlin could practically hear Arthurs frustrated sigh, and grinned.
Each time I attempt to tell you of my feelings, I lose my grip on what remains of my sanity and the words 'I love you' somehow morph into some sort of insult to your intelligence. Each time I try to show you how I feel I feel the inexplicable need to cover it with a jibe about your clumsiness or your inherent inability to resemble even the slowest of manservants. I hope you know that I do not mean my comments to sound so cutting. I hope you know that it is my way of holding you close to me.
I wait, with a fierce trepidation, for the day that you finally grow tired of me, tired of my stunted emotional maturity, a maturity needed to show you the love you deserve, the love that I feel but am unable to show. It is silly, I am sure, but I have nightmares about waking to find you gone or, worse, in the arms of another.
I am afraid I am rather selfish in this instance; I know you deserve better than I can give you, but I am unable to let you go. I need you. I fear that I am not be enough to keep you happy and by my side. I try everyday to grow into the person you wish me to be, the person I wish me to be but it is hard to break the habit of a lifetime in order to truly think of others.
I admit it is getting easier as time goes on; each time I am about to regress, or, in the rarer case of automatic reactions, do regress, I feel your eyes burning into me. An image of you, angry and disappointed, jumps into my mind and I stop myself. If I have already committed the act, I apologise immediately and berate myself on your behalf if you are unable to do so.
You know, of course, that I am not perfect. I am far from it in fact, far from the person I need to be to become a good, fair King. I hope that when the time comes, you will go forward with me to my throne. Not as my servant but as my advisor. I feel that you hold secrets from me Merlin.
Merlin's heart practically stopped. He couldnt possibly know! 'No, of course he doesnt, I still have a head.' Merlin reasoned with himself.
Secrets that I may never know. I know you well, but at the same time I do not know you at all. It despairs me that I know this as the truth. I hope that one day you can tell me of your secrets, but I swear I will not push you to find out.
I must stop this now. I have been summoned to meet with my Father. Know this Merlin, no matter your secret, no matter how terrible, I love you. Nothing can ever change that.
Merlin smiled broadly. His Prince loved him, actually loved him. A swell of love burst from his chest seeping into every cell of his body.
"Merlin!" Arthur called from his chamber "Merlin get in here you idiot." Grinning broadly Merlin rolled out of his bed and walked into his masters chamber.
"Yes sire?" he asked pleasantly
"It's freezing in here! I need you to stoke the fire." Merlin did so without question "How is it in there? It must be cold." Merlin shrugged "You better stay in here. I cant afford you to be even more useless frozen stiff."
Merlin smiled serenely "Yes sire."
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