There was nothing more mind-numbly boring than a Justice League Monthly Recap Meeting. Not even Monitor Duty could instigate as many tediously consecutive picoseconds as listening to Superman -anyone!- drone on about pie chart after brain-numbing pie chart.
It was totally unfair, really, that statisticians would malign a perfectly good word like pie in such a way was simply wrong. Pies were meant to be sugary mother lodes of baked goodness, not used as 2-dimensional conveyors of mandatory ennui.
It wasn't like Flash blamed Clark for being stuck with the most thankless task of of sharing statistics with all of them. It had to be done by someone, he supposed, and it wasn't like Batman -their technical whiz- was making any attempts to relieve The Hero of Metropolis of this monthly burden. (Maybe the two had gotten together and figured out that Superman's primary colors were more likely to keep people from a state of going totalyl comatose because bright colors were more stimulating to the brain then black and grey?)
Yeah, he could just see Batman using that theory to foist the job on Clark knowing that the patient Kent would rather just go along with it than argue over it every 30 days or so because, yes, Bruce Wayne could be a persistent pest when he wanted something. Or to get out of something.
Manipulating, Kevlar-plastered, unfairly sexy, bastard.
Wally noticed J'onn glance in his direction. Well, he surmised the Martian had done so...kind of hard to tell what with those monochrome eyes.
Martian eyes were...cool.
Scratch that, they were hot. Like twin orange suns. Wally was almost always left wondering just where J'onn was looking because there were no pupils to swerve about.
Added an air of mystery to it all.
Also, when he was in J'onn's mind they moved at the same speed: J'onn's. He wasn't forced to wait for J'onn to catch up because they were already in sync when in J'onn's mindscapes. He liked to think that it was J'onn speeding up, but more than likely it was him slowing down.
No biggie. Not exactly the only thing in his life or body that he couldn't speed up such as certain necessary laws of gravity.
J'onn had made love to him in Wayne's bathroom.
Just the thought of it made Wally want to giggle.
Buggered in a Bat's Bathtub.
God, that sounded hilarious.
Albeit a tad vulgar and there was nothing crude about J'onn. J'onn was culture personified. In fact, J'onn was so much more cultured than, say, yogurt.
Plain yogurt was a bit bland though. It needed something to spice it up. That's where Wally knew that he fit in so well. He was like a fruit syrup additive to J'onn's spiritual yogurt. Or maybe chocolate because chocolate gave lots of energy. On the other hand, fruit was sweet and refreshing and wasn't that how most people perceived him to be?
That is when he wasn't going nuts and having a snarky episode because of the unfairness of his team mates and life in general.
Maybe today, the speedster mused, he was bitter almond?
Well, Wally wasn't quite sure what flavor he was especially to J'onn because J'onn had the condiment references of two planets to draw upon, but Wally was pretty positive he went well with plain yogurt.
Did Mars once have frozen yogurt bars?
He could really go for some frozen yogurt right now.
With a Mars bar.
Adding a tub of yogurt and candy bars on the side.
J'onn had made love to him in Batman's bathtub to the accompaniment of euphonious melody because each time he'd moved the water had responded with the sound of chimes. Every touch caused vibrations and every vibration echoed with music like Wally was just one large percussion instrument and J'onn was the musician versed in...
Uh oh. It would seem that the Martian's Flash Alert Recalcitrance Taximeter was in full working order. J'onn was getting antsy that Wally was on the way to planning a no-no in public.
(Wally had come up with the acronym F.A.R.T. which was part of why J'onn felt compelled to keep an eye on him.)
Bored, but behaving himself.
For the moment.
He'd promised J'onn as much.
Id est that there would be no paper airplane dogfights with GL or attempting to instigate brawls with liberally-minded, super-powered females.
Wally's green eyes steered towards safer ports. It wouldn't help, really, because J'onn was probably feeling his agitation no matter what Wally looked at. It was the downside of being friends with a telepath. Not that he minded much other than he hated to unintentionally upset J'onn with his patented speedster quirks.
Anyway, J'onn had returned his attention to Superman so Wally endeavored to do the same. Or hopefully at least managed to look like he was interested: a feat that the speedster was finding harder and harder to accomplish despite the supposed attention-grabbing clashing azure and crimson of the Man of Steel.
Flash's mind drifted to imaginary webpage images heralding a brightly dressed Superman being pulled in to anchor the nightly news on slow days so that the media wouldn't go bankrupt for lack of viewership; you know, due to The Public's shortened attention spans causing an economic tailspin?
Superman Saves The Daily Planet!
Network news scores soared higher than a bird or a plane as The Man of Steel took over the news today, sitting on his butt while pontificating over the day's highlights, occasionally getting a bit heated over the sound bites of billionaire Lex Luthor. Viewers agreed that the red and blue came off very well in Hi-Def: matched his eyes.
Or worse, what if the President requested him for late night As Seen On TV shopping in order to stimulate the economy?
Superman Sends The Home Shopping Network Scores Up, Up & Away!
But wait, there's more! If your entranced by Superman trying to sell you The Easy-0ff Jar Opener and purchase two within the next five minutes, we'll throw in The Green Arrow Combo Beard Trimmer & Nose Hair Clipper for absolutely free! (Offer excludes Shipping & Handling.)
Well, that had gotten him through a whole ten seconds.
Man, he was bored. Five red-clad fingers drummed a theme song by Queen on the table top.
That was the trouble with having speed enhanced vision...color meant little even when it was being nicely filled by a Kryptonian in good health.
Fortunately, a certain speedster had just the news to liven things up. (Or at least guaranteed to shut Superman up long enough for Wally's brain cells to stop yawning.)
"We're getting married." Flash cheerfully announced. (Politely timing his bombshell while The Kryptonian was pausing between the onslaughts of quantitative data in memory of Aunt Iris whom had been big on manners.) He laid his gloved hand over The Martian Manhunter's bared one and expectantly waited at Ground Zero for the meaning of his words to reach past his teammate's eardrums and awaken cognitive centers from their slumber much in the way the act of igniting dynamite would have a similar effect; factoring in that they'd been lulled into the depths of aural sensory fatigue for the past 23 minutes, Wally counted back the second fractions that he figured it would take the others to react.
Three/one-hundredth of a second, two/one-hundredth, one...
Stewart was hit first; darn near bit in two the stylus he had been gnawing on.
Diana froze like only a person who'd once been comprised of clay could manage.
Batman would have been a copy cat of Wonder Woman's statue imitation if it were not for that nervous tic forming under his right eye. (Wally mentally pumped a fist into the air even if the tic was purely hypothetical on his part what with Batman's concealing cowl...but he knew it just had to be there!)
Big Blue had inhaled so sharply that everyone had to grip the table in order to counter the artificial gale created by his lungs and...well, there went GL's stylus to a destination point best not dwelt upon. Good thing Supes had an axillary bypass respiratory system.
Or was that medical reference solely pertaining to a Doctor Who character?
He got up and gave Clark a hearty slap on the back just in case a stylus was enough to end the existence of Earth's greatest champion due to asphyxiation.
As for Shayera, she looked more like an owl than a hawk, her eyes rounder than Flash had ever seen them. It was, Wally decided, kind of a cute look on her. Honestly, he really should have brought his camera.
Easy fix because after all he was the...
Flash! Flash! Flash! Flash! Flash!
Oh yeah...score another one for the Justice League Candid Camera New Year's album!
It was a pity that J'onn had remained serene at his little statement and thus spoiled an otherwise priceless group picture, but that was because The Martian had vital foreknowledge regarding West's abrupt declaration...what with being the co-conspirator.
(Those last few hours as the guests of Bruce Wayne had been highly productive in regards to planning out his future life's goals. Wally grinned in the direction of his betrothed.)
-Go ahead, tell them it's true. Knock their socks off.-
"We are not getting married." J'onzz clarified for them. Around the table, hearts started approaching a reasonably normal rhythm. J'onn ignored Flash's overly dramatic scowl and eye roll.
-If they all suffered heart attacks, whom do you envision would be stuck performing all monitor duties until they recovered?-
Flash paled and waved him to go ahead with his explanation. -Point taken.-
Like one of Green Arrows personalized missiles to the hindquarters.
"Then this is just another of Flash's attempts to sabotage our meeting?" Superman sighed with relief. Not that he was against marriage. It was just... Wally and J'onn? Had pigs started flying?
"Partially. The relationship is different than that particular ceremonial bonding in which, as you humans say, 'copulation takes place in order to perpetuate the species...seeing as we are neither of us compatible for such an ideal either by sex or DNA. We will, however, be joined in the cerebral sense..our souls in constant communion. With our mental essences in a state of continuous empathy we shall remain bonded without the need for physical touch."
Wally rolled his eyes at his friend's clinical speech. "Yeah, right. Maybe not for you, J'onn Juan, but I'm the human of this interracial relationship and have all sorts of touchy/feely, wild hormonal needs that range far beyond the virtual reality ones. In other words, I'm looking forward to indulging in some Pon Farr-style extracurricular activities that would make Mr. Spock keel over from fatigue." He grinned not-so-innocently at them all before laying a lip smack on J'onn's cheek. "Comprende mi amigo?"
"Completely." The Martian agreed, smiling back.
The watching Founders blinked.
"Great!" Flash turned to face the silent Dark Knight. "Bats, I want an advance on my Founder debit card. Me and The Big Green Love Machine are going to need the extra moolah in order to go out and get a promise ring."
Batman grunted. Whether he agreed, disagreed, was amused, or was contemplating a vacation in a speedster-less dimension, nobody could tell nor dared they ask. Possibly because they were too busy scraping together their thought processes.
"Promise ring?" A nonplussed J'onn was bemused at the strange phrase. (This part of their agreement he hadn't heard mention of. Of course, Wallace did have a tendency to talk a mile-a-minute about a variety of subjects linked to bonding and how best to fill his empty stomach...it was possible he'd missed it within yesterday's verbal barrage when it had been mutually decided that it was beneficial to both that they hang together like Didelphis marsupialis in love. Or was it muskrats in love rather than opossum? Wallace had been humming some tune while they'd kissed in J'onn's meditation pool, but J'onn admitted to himself that he'd been somewhat distracted by West's enthusiastic rendition of Good Vibrations in every variation imaginable to faithfully recall what the red-haired human had started singing after that.)
"A simple one will do...preferably gold, so it doesn't clash with my dress-uniform Flash duds," his significant other went on. "Oh, and featuring a lightning design. It's got to have a lightning design." (Now he was flipping through a current catalog from the Official Flash Museum in Central City he'd obtained from somewhere...probably just now from that very museum.) "If we pick it out on Monday they'll be holding the special Flash Birthday Sale Event. Plus, I get an honorary 10% discount on anything not clearance on account that I sort of founded the place, so don't be afraid to splurge."
"On Mars, we did not..." J'onn stopped at the puppy dog look on Wally's face. Bruce Wayne might have perfected The Death Scowl, but Wallace was an expert at employing 'Don't-Kick-The-Puppy faces.
J'onn (as Wallace knew full well) was not in the habit of kicking puppies. "White or yellow gold?" he asked in resignation.
"Duh..yellow, naturally. Don't want to take the chance of GL envying it's coolness over his and trying to lift it." The sapient light bulb grinned at a muttering John Stewart before returning his happy gaze to the Martian. "And I got you the perfect ring already so we can save some time for, you know, other things." He waggled his eyebrows.
With nigh infinite patience, J'onn forbore reminding Wallace that his chosen decor -indeed, everything he wore- was a part of his own body. Putting on a piece of inorganic material would only be a hindrance to his shape shifting ability. "And what is that?"
"Ta-daa!" A small, shiny object was shoved under J'onn's nose. Fortunately, it didn't appear to be enhanced by sound effects or obscene. "It's an official Choco promotional ring!" the excited speedster exclaimed. He was fair bouncing in place. "Isn't it cool?"
J'onn smiled. The proffered ornament was made of cheap plastic which sported a painted mold of an Oreo cookie on top. Made in Taiwan was stamped on the inside. That West had probably found it in a yard sale for pennies was besides the point. The real meaning was that he'd thought of what J'onn liked and went searching for something for him despite his limited finances. "It is very lovely, Wally; thank you."
Snickering, Wally juggled the trinket a few times before laying it on the table. "Kidding! I was just joshing, you know? We don't have to get rings. I already got you and plan to show that to anyone around a lot clearer than any ring could do anyway." He lifted the closest of J'onzz's arms in order to snuggle in closer, winking at the flabbergasted League as if daring them to say anything. Unperturbed, J'onn wrapped both arms protectively around the speedster, silently affirming that he also had the other and what more was needed?
(But he palmed the ring anyway; it was a gift.)
-Are you trying to be antagonistic to our friends, Wallace?-
-Maybe a little. They weren't very nice before when they were trying to figure out...you know?-
"Do you think that's wise?" Shayera piped up as they continued to cuddle each other "Not that I have a problem with this 'Martian/Human marriage', but some humans still hold a lot of prejudices against... interracial... coupling." She and John got that a lot, though she was never really sure whether it was John's race or her own that garnered the most 'looks' from people.
"What do you think we are...stupid?" Wally snorted. "It's going to be like a secret identity...only in tandem. Show her J'onn." J'onn obliged by changing his shape while Wally smugly watched their expressions from the safe vantage point of his guardian's arms.
"Oh my god...you are not?" Superman gasped. He wasn't the only one looking scandalized. Even Bats looked a bit paler than usual.
Visibly confused by their friends reaction, Wally turned his head...and gaped when his eyes fell on some rather prominent and highly recognizable cleavage.
Not that he'd ever been allowed to see it from quite this angle or proximity...without risking permanent dismemberment.
"J'onn?" he squeaked, hurriedly squirming out from the (leaner) arms in order to put some distance between himself andJ'onn; not to mention another particular party who shared his initials.
"Too much?" his intended asked with a charming smile.
"Yeah...no..." Wally breathed out in confusion. (One moment he was reveling in fun and maybe just a pinch of revenge and the next he was feeling like he was drowning. Not everything that happened fast was a good thing.) "Um, I think you look fabulous any which way (and he did, but...gawd there was a time and a place!); still, it's kind of possible that Diana there might take exception to my going out on the town with her image at my side let alone my face planted in..." he blushed redder than his hair, pointedly not looking at the Amazon.
The real Amazon.
Diana in point of fact looked more like she was going to break out with giggles more than start brandishing her sword, but best not to trust his discernment regarding women and their thought processes...or potentially hidden murder-the-males-or-at-least-separate-them-from-vital-equipment tendencies.
"Really? I thought she would be flattered." J'onn morphed back into his Martian Manhunter guise then smiled knowingly at his human. "Kidding," he added with a smirk.
The League (not exactly talkative before this) went deathly quiet.
Wally spluttered for a second, then, surprisingly, looked close to tears. "J'onn, you shape-shifting scalawag. Your first non-League-mission-related con job! I'm so proud I could cry." Reversing his earlier 'distancing' he hugged the Martian close. They could just make out a muffled "Iloveyou."
Patting the happy man on the back, J'onn regretfully felt compelled to inform him: "Wallace, you do realize that there are limits to how much of this pranking activity I am willing to engage in."
"Yeah, but I was thinking our first victim could be Booster Gold or maybe, you know, Guy Gardner."
The Martian didn't have a eyelids to blink, but he certainly gave the impression that he did. Booster and Guy were considered fair game by many since those two were the most irritating pair out of the entire League and it's part timers.
From across the table, John let out a dramatic groan. "God, their minds are already synchronizing...and with Flash's id vying for control. We're all doomed."