Chapter 1: The Chick Falls out of the Nest
Yep. It was just another afternoon on the farm. I was just minding my own business, thinking about how much easier having a husband would make my life. Oh sure getting laid once in a while would be nice but what I'd really like is someone to help me plow! I am sick and tired of this bullsh**, not including that which I use to fertilize. By the way, the neighbors gave me a new plough to work with for my birthday, and it's just as sh**y as my old one. And besides that I don't have four arms! They're a bunch of morons. But anyways, I was getting ready to throw this piece of debris against a cherry tree when I heard screaming. I turn around, and look! It's a bunch of soldiers and mages showing off. I hated when they came around here to train. Bunch of show off. They were casting their spells and swinging their swords and acting all macho and… bleeding and calling for back-up and… Oh no.
"Go back inside! Go away! Run!" This female mage was yelling at me, but all I could pay attention to was some kind of giant flea was beating the living goo (literally) out of the blademasters in the front line. Then there were these huge booming sounds like lion's roars that seemed to come from all directions. I had heard about soldiers being able to release sonic booms to stun nearby targets, and almost everyone was on overdrive. I'm guessing it took about 30 seconds for me to somehow end up in the middle of a huge battle, and another 10 seconds to realize it. Dizziness, dude!
It was kind of cool though. There were flashing lights as everyone used their skills. Fireballs were flying everywhere, flashing swords were crashing down and creating earthquakes, and there were lots of cool monsters. I mean there were giant centipedes, walking golems, and the occasional zombie! It would have been great except the appearance of blood was nauseating and well… it's kind of hard to watch someone's limbs get ripped out from their sockets without wanting to cry a little. I got the feeling we were losing.
"Han! Han I'm coming!" That panicky wizard had to go rescue her blademaster boyfriend from being castrated by wolves, and she dropped what looked like a scepter. My guess is that it was her back-up, since she was wielding some big green-glowing… thing. I'm a farm girl so what the hell do I know? I picked it up, and had no idea what to do with it. So I looked at the wizard. She muttered a few words and held her hand up. Energy seemed to flow from the big green-glowing sword (at least I think it was a sword) she was holding into her hand. A trigram symbolizing fire appeared on the back of her hand, and suddenly her whole hand caught fire. She thrust it at the wolf that was gonna turn her boyfriend into dog food and a huge fireball went flying from her hand towards the wolf! I stood there looking like an idiot and watched the wolf get knocked back like 10 meters and then just collapse, dead, its fur totally singed. Cool! My turn!
"Ok, so I take the scepter, let the power flow through me, and fire!" Yes I said this to myself. I sought a suitable target (not the happy couple who were either treating each other's wounds or groping each other, as much as I hate public displays of affection) and settled on the big flea everyone was b*tching about. So I held up the scepter, held up my hand, and just because fate likes me so much… nothing happened. "Ok, ok. She was muttering some magic words… Um, abra kadabra!" Nothing. "Fireball jutsu!" Nope. "Um, um, ka meh, ha meh, HA!" No response. "By the power of grey skull!" Still nothing. "Avada kedavra?" I could swear I heard the scepter laughing at me. Oh wait, that was the giant Minotaur thing that was about to chop my head off with a sword from behind. I turn around and look! A giant Minotaur that wants to chop my head off! I just love my life! Don't you?
"Oh my god work you piece of sh**! Do something!" I was of course whacking the ground with the scepter in the hopes that maybe the battery was loose, and then the Minotaur decided just to end it and take a swing at me. "Ok! I think it's time for plan B." With an all mighty swing I took the scepter and bashed it into the Minotaur's crotch. He dropped the sword, and fell to the ground. "Well, that works too." And with that little victory I decided to ditch the scepter and look for something a little less useless.
There were actually a lot of weapons all over the place. There were pikes, swords, scepters, and a wide array of other shiny pointy things. It took a lot of dodging to get there though. Ever see a giant exploding armadillo before? Yah it was my first time too. But finally I settled on a huge green-glowing scythe. It weighed a ton, but it was shiny and pointy. That was the only criteria I could work with under pressure. And then I ran towards the flea.
This giant mo' fo' had beaten almost everything in its path. Seriously, people were just ignoring it. Ok, so it was just me and the flea. Wow, I am such a dumbass. But hey, I was working in the middle of a field minding my own business on my cr*p-tastic farm, only to get interrupted by a battle which happened to walk on to my property. So yah, I might as well make my day even more interesting! … … Oh god I'm going to die... So anyways I charged right into the flea's torso with the tip of the spear. Naturally a frontal charge on a monster 20 times your size is likely to fail. It's not just a plot device to a story. It's physics. So of course the flea stood up on its hairy hind legs to evade the tip and then used it claws (which I didn't know fleas had) to send me flying back a few meters. "Ow." Luckily my trusty pointy thing was intact. The fact that it had been knocked out of my had and was now far away from me was a bit of a let-down however. I got up and ran over to it, and big bloodsucking ugly came charging towards me. I grabbed the pointy thingy just in time and wacked its face. Imagine my surprise when flames burst from the blade and enveloped the giant flea's head. That was interesting.
The creature began to panic and tried to get the fire out of its eyes. "Ok big ugly, time to die!" I gave it everything I had and tried to chop off one of its legs. This caused a blast of water and wind to come out of the edge, and not only did it blast off the bug's leg, but it envelop the whole creature, slowing it down. I couldn't believe this pointy thingy was actually doing something. And it felt so natural too. I backed off and got the idea to swing it around and then charge into the monster like any good action hero who in reality has no idea what they're doing. That's when I sensed an energy build up in the blade. Ok, freakiness. I made a thrusting motion and something like lightning bolted from the tip of the blade and pierced the flea's left eye. The bolt must have flown at least 7 meters. This thing was full of surprises. I decided it was time to end the battle. I ran towards the disabled flea and just wacked it with all the strength I could muster. I felt exhilarated, alive, and oh so very sexy. I brought down the blade onto the creature's head, remembered a blinding light, and then I blacked out.