Disclaimer: I don't own Leah Clearwater or New Moon.
She laughs. Maniacally, kind of. On the verge. On the brink. About to fall. Dangerous position. She's always been like that.
(Can't believe you thought he would sympathize. You, of all people, should know—you were meant for this life. Born for this kind. Thought you were used to it. Been like that forever. Will be like that forever. Alonealonealone. Forever.)
And she sees the pain in his eyes, sees the heartbreak on his parted lips whenever they fall open as he watches them, with their silent conversations and intertwined fingers. She sees his thoughts, hears those fucking images, and she wonders to herself, 'Why does he even bother? He'll never get her. He never will. She'd rather die than be with him.'
(And then Sam rings in your head and you shut up pretty damn quick.)
"Ugh, Leah, you ruin everything!"
"Yeah, I know."
It hurts to say it but you know it's truth; and like Daddy's always said, why deny the truth? But Daddy's gone now, like everybody else, and you're alone on that cliff, with the saltwater splashing up so high, sprinkling onto your bare legs, wetting your cheeks. The wind is blowing so hard you have to resist not falling over, but it's so hard not to accidentally stumble and trip and forget how to swim when you finally hit that black, black water…
(But suicide's for cowards and you were never a coward. ((Just a loner.)))
Oh, God, and then there's Sam. With that tortured look on his face whenever he sees the hurt on hers (it always stung when he was in pain and now it always does.) She knows she's a burden and Jesus, no one wants you here Leah, can't you just fucking leave? But she can't. All she can do is stand there and take the insults, take the jars, take the 'I don't want you here, can't you just leave me alone?"s because there's nothing she can do about it so might as well take it like a woman.
(But dammit, you hurt like hell.)
Pretty soon, Daddy's dead (he's always been her rock, the one she could cry to when the mean girls are picking on her, the one she could rely on to look at Sam disapprovingly), Mom's always off at Charlie's (but she knew, Sue's always had a bit of a crush on him), and even Seth, her little brother, the kid she made breakfast and ruffled his hair, doesn't want her. He's got his own friends, Leah. He's got his own people, unlike her, and y'know, you're freaking pathetic, get over it and get a life, because I have one and you always ruin everything, why you gotta ruin me? Go away.
(You will, someday.)
Jake comes and the Beatles is playing (Here comes the sun…) and she thinks he's gonna light up her world, because he hasn't imprinted and right now that's all she really needs, the reassurance that he isn't going to promise her everything and leave her with nothing.
They've got the witty banter thing going on, and she thinks she can relate because she knows how hard it is to see Edward and Bella, Bella and Edward, perfect and mushy and so fucking cold, how hard it is from the way he thinks, those snarky comments and dreams and nightmares (all mixed into a big bowl of pain.) He can run faster than her when he pushes himself and she really doesn't have a problem with that because he's so freaking strong, he's like a boulder.
(And then he falls in love with a baby and you're left again, knowing there's always gonna be someone out there, better than you.)
You're on the very edge of the earth and sea, the place where you can disappear and nobody will notice, nobody will care. Nobody will miss you, Leah Clear-who? Nobody wants you here.
How easy it would be to fall.