NINTH SONG: Troels Abrahamsen - Collider
Kanda is usually wild. He'll be the first to start a fight.
But he is stealthy when he wants to be. In fact, he can be so stealthy he could walk right past you and you wouldn't even notice. Maybe that's why.
Kanda can be silent and calm when he wants to be. He can sit in front of you and mean a whole lot of things, yet you wouldn't hear a word leave his mouth. Maybe that's why.
He can be quiet, he can steal your cigarette and you won't even feel the move of air. He can be cautious, he can sneak behind your defences, leaving your vulnerable for attack. Maybe that's why.
You cannot force Kanda to do anything. He's wild and will do what he does, he will say what he wants. And he won't say what he doesn't. Maybe that's why.
Maybe that's why he is screaming so loud when he's alone. Because, really, you can hear it from across the street sometimes. You'll mistake it for a child's cry, or a siren perhaps. A seagull screeching noisily on your roof. Your neighbour watching a loud action film on the TV. But if you'll just listen closely, you can hear it is screaming. Kanda screaming.
"You didn't take the money."
Kanda sounds angry, walking there beside Lavi down the street.
"You could have taken the money."
He pulls out his silver military lighter from his pocket and fingers it distractedly. He always does that. It's almost an instinct.
"But we didn't need the money."
Lavi thinks they should stop taking money. He thinks Kanda should slow down sometimes. He keeps this opinion to himself.
"Fuck you, you pussy."
Kanda hits Lavi hard on the shoulder. And Lavi thinks pussy is just a bit too mean. He keeps this to himself as well. Because it's not like Kanda will change.
They haven't walked for more than ten minutes before Kanda yells "Fuck this! I'm going to The In," and starts walking the other way. But Lavi predicted this movement ten minutes ago, so he just keeps walking forward until he's home. When Kanda gets just a little too reckless he will turn around and go to The In's Bar. Either to collect crown corks or to start a fight. The crown corks he later throws at the soya factory at the docks. It's another of those sort-of-rituals.
Lavi considers not opening when he hears the knocking on his front door. But he didn't turn off the lights in his hall, so whoever it is can tell he's home. It doesn't knock again. Instead Lavi hears the familiar sound of a flick knife clicking in the keyhole. Five seconds later Kanda is in his apartment. Lavi doesn't comment on him breaking in. He's used to it by now.
"Come on! We'll go to the port," says Kanda.
Lavi doesn't feel like going to the port right now. He tells Kanda this. But Kanda can be sneaky when he wants to. Maybe that's why Lavi always finds himself dragged along by him. Lavi thinks Kanda should stop dragging people along, and maybe let them stand up so they can walk once in a while. He doesn't say this, though.
"Come on," Kanda pleads through gritted teeth and drags Lavi out the door.
They're at the docks fifteen minutes later. They're both throwing rocks and crown corks at the factory. There's a copper chimney pot on the otherwise completely bare concrete wall, and it's been their goal to hit it since forever. But hitting the little chimney from the fire escape on the opposite office block isn't that easy. It's hard to even hit the wall of the factory from this distance. But Kanda is good at throwing. He almost hits the chimney. When he's just five centimetres from hitting, he curses aloud in anger. They've never hit it once.
"Shit. Fuck this shit!" Kanda's rock hits just inches away from the verdigris-y copper.
"Why are you angry? You're so close to hitting it." Lavi throws a beer-bottle cap that flies shortly through the air before landing with a plop in the dark water of the basin.
"It's because I'm so close! Why the fuck," he throws a big brick with all his force, "can't I reach it? It's a fucking chimney," he punches the wall. The brick hits a container with a loud bang. He walks over to Lavi. Lavi looks up at Kanda. Kanda punches him on the shoulder. He looks down at him, as if daring, waiting, expecting him to say something. Lavi says nothing.
"I'll go get some beers."
Kanda walks away. He's almost running when he's at the door. He'll be heading for the kiosk down at the railway track.
Lavi then sits on the stair case, left behind. Idly scraping at the dried bird droppings with a piece of old iron wire, he patiently waits for Kanda's return. And it might be his imagination, but he thinks he hears a seagull screeching noisily from the roof.
Kanda is cold-blooded. Borderline frigid, even.
Lavi only watches as the other man in the door makes scared eyes. He looks like a puppy being kicked. Compared to Kanda, he is. The neon signs on the walls are blue and cold in the dark.
Sweat is running down the man's temple.
"Dude, relax. I said I'm sorry, yeah?" The puppy is in a corner. He knows his opponent. "I just bumped into you! Not even that hard!" Oh yes, he is very afraid.
Kanda cannot see the 'sorry'. He can't hear it nor taste it. Or say it. Or feel it. Kanda is never afraid.
Kanda is reserved. He doesn't take shit from anybody. He has the personality of cold neon.
It's loud and penetrating. He doesn't even take the time to insult or warn the other. He just clenches his fist and punches his face in. The bouncers come rushing. It starts a big fight. Lavi is being covert and walks up to the bar. Later, though, he hears sirens. It always ends like this, doesn't it? Lavi always ends up in the bar, and he never knows where the hell Kanda went off to. He never knows who ends up in the ambulance.
Lavi thinks Kanda should stop fighting. Lavi is sometimes afraid, too.
Kanda is impatient. He cannot wait for a bus for more than ten minutes.
"When's it gonna' be here?" Kanda asks for the thirteenth time. He is fiddling with his lighter.
"Seven minutes," Lavi says for the eleventh time. He sits under the open shed of the stop.
Kanda starts gathering pebbles. There's a signpost on the opposite side of the road. It says 45 mph, but Lavi is pretty sure Kanda is throwing rocks with more speed than that.
"Goddammit," Kanda says. He throws the rocks, one after the other. Most of them hit the sign hard. They make a loud clang every time. It could almost make you flinch, since the rest of the world was really quiet now. And misty and stuff. Like an eerie dawn.
Kanda keeps throwing rocks for a while. Lavi is wondering whether you can throw something so hard that it breaks the time barrier. Like, throwing at the speed of light. Maybe Kanda could do that. Lavi is pretty sure he could. It's faster than 45 mph, anyway. Someone should give Kanda a ticket. Someone give Kanda a ticket and a lesson. Lavi can't.
"When will it be here?"
Kanda is angry.
Why, Lavi doesn't know. He takes pride in knowing a lot of things, but he can't figure out Kanda.
He is yelling.
"Fuck those fucktards! I'll send them to fucking hell! Burn out that freaking bitch's eyes! Motherfucker!"
Lavi isn't listening. He can't always listen to Kanda being angry. He has tried, but it wore him out. The anger scoops out everything else. Well, not that Lavi has many other emotions.
"… their mothers! I'll kill them, I swear! I will fucking kill those shitlickers!"
In Lavi's head the wind drowns out Kanda's words and the crashes from the falling rocks and crown corks. The Uncontrolled raging just ten foot to his right is nothing but an illusion. Lavi can block out things. Lavi can block out Kanda.
Kanda is so far away.
Way too far away.
Lavi is patient unlike Kanda, luckily. The fury goes on for what seems like a very short time, long time, minutes, hours, seconds, an eternity. Surely the basin must be filled with rocks by now.
Then Kanda is very still. Because he can be very silent when he wants to be. He can be stealthy and calm if he so wishes. Quiet like the wind a lazy summer. He can want to say much, yet say nothing. He locks himself up.
Now Kanda is even farther away.
Kanda turns around and walks to The In. Lavi expected this, but Lavi is tired, so he walks home.
You'd wonder why he was screaming so loud, honestly. Lavi hears it across the street. And Kanda lives on the fifth floor. The girls walking past him talk about sirens. But Lavi knows it to be Kanda.
And for some reason the stairs are endless. Fifth floor is fifteen thousand miles away. And the closer he gets to Kanda's apartment door, the farther away he gets from Kanda. The stairs are so endless.
But then the stairs end.
So Lavi grabs the door handle. The metal burns scars in his palm, and when the door opens up he wishes it would just have been locked. The screaming that had until now been locked inside flows out the door, engulfs the hall, falls down the stairs, and Lavi worries for a moment that the screaming might block the main entrance below.
Then he steps on the doormat. He stares at it, and when it lies still, he wishes it would just start flying and carry him and throw him out on the sidewalk. But it doesn't. So Lavi walks into the apartment.
Then Lavi is in the door opening to the bathroom. The tiles echo the screaming erupting from a messy pile of Kanda on the hard floor. The white of the bathroom stands in stark contrast to Kanda's black hair, his black shirt, his black pants, his black everything. He's wondering why Kanda is screaming so loud. He thinks Kanda should stop. But he doesn't say this. Why is he screaming so loud? What happened with Angry, Impatient, Frigid?
Kanda's screaming is Wild.
Lavi sees the blood. The blood is in stark contrast to the white. It leaps to the eyes too much. He leans down to Kanda, who starts thrashing when he feels the touch and the screaming only gets louder. Lavi locks his arms around him and is surprised at Kanda's brute strength. His logical mind is listing: seizures, epilepsy, muscular convulsion…
But logic is nothing now that Lavi can feel blood and tears running down his arms and staining his hands. He can feel Kanda's rapidly beating heart from Kanda's back to his own chest. The beating is so violent he's afraid Kanda's ribs will break. Can your heart break your ribs? Lavi's heart hurts, too. As does his back and knees, because, whoa, tiles are uncomfortable. And Kanda is uncontrolled and wild and raging. And it's always really cold in Kanda's apartment, for some reason or other.
There can only be so much carnage in one person, though. Soon Kanda stops his brutal out lashings, and Lavi's not sure who is the most out of breath of the two. Maybe all air has escaped the cold room. Maybe all the air went to The In instead.
Maybe Kanda won't turn around and walk away this time.
Still, he's not quiet.
Now he's just screaming while lying still.
Lavi wants to block out Kanda now. And the pain from his collarbone that Kanda somehow hit with his fist. And the blood on his arms.
Lavi crouches down and puts his hands over his ears.
Lavi is not sure whether he managed to block out the sounds, or if the screaming has been reduced to crying. No matter how hard he tries, he cannot block out the crying. The sobs are stealthy and manoeuvre through his fingers, into his head. Why is Kanda crying?
Yes, Lavi takes pride in knowing a lot of things, but he can't figure out Kanda. Kanda is farther away than ever.
Lavi thinks Kanda should sit up. He doesn't want to say this. But he also thinks Kanda is unable to say anything right now, consequently the initiative lies with Lavi. Perhaps Lavi is the quiet and reserved one. Maybe Kanda can change. Maybe they should both change. Maybe this is a two-way job.
If it is.
There's a shaky exhale.
There's a deep inhale.
Maybe Lavi hears determination in that inhale.
Kanda sits up. His long hair, his tears, his sweat, his blood, his restlessness, his shaky breaths are everywhere. Lavi doesn't know where he expected the blood to come from. Truthfully he was way too occupied to worry about it. But he sees now that Kanda has a nosebleed, it's just all over his face, and sticking in his black hair. He thought Kanda's hair couldn't get blacker, but the blood darkens it even more. He looks like a mess. A very messy mess. And because Kanda is impatient he forces the hiccups to stop with sheer willpower. His wrists are rubbing his face, making his sleeves wet, his cheeks salty, his eyes swollen. Lavi thinks Kanda should stop being so rough.
"Don't be so rough."
Kanda stops rubbing.
Lavi gets up from the floor. He grabs a towel and wets it under the faucet. Cold water. Because cold water washes off blood. Kanda tries to clean his face to the best of his ability. After having tossed the towel in the tub with annoyed movements, he sits back on his butt on the floor and leans against the wall with crossed arms. He almost looks like a sour child.
So what now?
Lavi thinks that voicing his thoughts has worked pretty well so far. Better than ever imagined. Speaking is a good way of communicating, apparently. He will never get too old to learn. He thinks about pointing out that Kanda has snot and blood in his hair, but opts for something different.
He doesn't feel like drinking beer right now.
Kanda nods with his usual 'it's decided then' face, and stands up. Lavi stands up too, his knees hurt and he is so exhausted. The toilet is cramped, and only now does Lavi notice that he is a bit taller than Kanda. If he took a step closer, his chin would be approximately at Kanda's brow. Kanda would have to look up at him.
Kanda is not frigid, Lavi then decides. Reserved, yes. But frigid, no. And Kanda ought to be even more exhausted now. Maybe Lavi should point this out.
Lavi thinks that, hmm, now that sounded stupid. This speaking thing is harder than first assumed. He must practice, he decides. Maybe he can practice speaking with Kanda.
"Take a shower, I'll make the tea."
He is feeling more successful this time. Kanda is nodding again.
Kanda says, "okay," and he is hoarse like a crow. Lavi turns around and walks out. Kanda then sits in the toilet, left behind. But Kanda trusts that Lavi won't leave.
And in the kitchen Lavi is waiting patiently for Kanda. He can hear the shower in the bathroom showering, and the water in the boiler boiling. He doesn't want to block any of this out.
He hopes it is.
Or can be. He settles on liking it. He settles on liking Kanda despite him being stealthy, quiet, loud, angry, impatient and wild.
Maybe Kanda can be wild without the screaming and hurting. Maybe they both need to say more.
Maybe Lavi should get to know Kanda better, so there won't be so many maybe's…
So. It's too odd and inconsequential to be a LaviYu day post. Will post now instead. And yeah, if you cry and thrash hard enough you get a nosebleed. (or is that just me lol?)
Lavi and Yuu Kanda from D. Gray-man (C) Hoshino Katsura
Critique and mindless babble appreciated.
30th May, 2010