Disclaimer: You know what's amazing? That I have RL friends who read this crap, and still consent to associate with me afterwards. Uh, and I own nothing.
Once upon a time, when I was young and naive, I was quite certain I would never, ever write Naruto fic. I mean, I haven't been keeping up on the manga. My eardrums bled when I attempted the anime. I am infinitely more interested in writing about teenage terrorists shooting shit up in giant machines. AND YET THERE'S HINATA.
So very, very unbeta'd.
The Socially Unacceptable Courtship of Hyuuga Hinata
Sasuke didn't understand it. Glaring wasn't working. Growling at her to leave him alone did nothing but reduce her to nervous, confused stutters--as, inexplicably, she hadn't been bothering him in the first place. Telling her to go away only made her, well, go away (which, as he often had to hunt her down and find her just so he could tell her to go away, was possibly somewhat unfair). When he hinted, rather openly, that he wasn't interested in her at all, she just blinked, nodded, and said, "Okay." She even had the temerity to look kind of hurt!
Not a single one of his tried and true seduction techniques were working on Hyuuga Hinata. Hell, her cousin had taken him aside the other day and chewed him out for being mean. Hyuuga Neji had scolded him--Uchiha Sasuke, former missing-nin, killer of Orochimaru, leader of Hebi--for being mean. In Neji's eyes, though, not a one of Sasuke's many and varied sins compared to the sheer depravity of him occasionally being kind of an asshole to a teenage girl.
It got infinitely worse when, at some point as they exchanged ever-more creative threats, Neji realized that Sasuke's interest in Hinata wasn't entirely platonic (which could have had something to do with his promise to name his and Hinata's firstborn 'Nejiisadickweed'--'Nejiisadickwipe' if it was a girl, of course). He could've murdered a whole passel of babies right in front of the Hyuuga prodigy and not earned himself a look so full of disgust and horror.
"No," Neji had finally said, pale eyes narrowed. "You cannot be telling me that you're harboring some kind of perverse crush on my cousin. Just...let it go. Now. Or I will kill you in ways so painful you'll wish I'd ended you by tying you up and tossing you to your fangirls."
Refusing to show that he was, in fact, rather terrified by the threat, Sasuke pointed out, "Pointless. Your cousin's one of them."
Neji stared. "No. She's not. Hinata-sama has never once in her entire life expressed even an iota of interest in you."
For a long moment, Sasuke tried to wrap his brain around this new and shocking information. "Is that...possible?" he asked, caught somewhere between incredulity and confusion. Either the foundations of his world were shaking, or Sakura was off taking out her frustrations on the ground again. Naruto's skull could only stand so much abuse, after all.
"Not every woman in Konoha is secretly fantasizing about you," Neji said sourly.
"Name three," Sasuke challenged, honestly curious but too proud to actually ask like a normal person.
"Hinata-sama," Neji began confidently, and ran out of steam at, "and Yuuhi Kurenai."
Sasuke considered this. "So clearly my next step is to ask Kurenai how to go about attracting a girl who isn't already stalking me," he concluded. He paused, then amended, "I mean, the girl who isn't already stalking me."
"No, Uchiha. Your next step is to back off my cousin."
"At least I'm not the one who tried to kill her," Sasuke pointed out with a smirk. Because really, what could the Hyuuga asshole say to that?
"Goddammit, will people stop rubbing that in my face already?"
"You know me," Sakura told Ino, running her hands through her hair in agitation. "I'm not any more homicidal than the next woman, right?"
Ino cocked her head to the side and said, "Well. I mean. As long as the next woman is Tsunade-sama. Or Anko."
"Then you understand how serious I am when I tell you I truly want to strangle Sasuke-kun," Sakura continued, not having actually bothered to listen to Ino's response. It hadn't taken the two of them long to realize that talking over each other was the solid foundation upon which their friendship was built.
"What's he done?" Ino asked curiously.
"He has a crush."
Ino stared. "You mean--Uchihas don't reproduce by mitosis?"
"I know, right?"
"I'll admit it's kind of surprising, but...well, what's so terrible about him having a crush? I thought you were happy with that Narut...Naru...Narutard..."
"It's not that difficult to say, Ino. Naruto. Nar. U. To. Nahrootow."
"Dickless," Ino compromised. Some habits were just too damn much trouble to overcome.
"Fucking Sai," Sakura growled.
"Actually, that's physically impossible." When Sakura stared blankly, Ino flushed and muttered, "Uh. I mean. Get it? Dickless. Fucking S...you know what? Never mind. Go on."
"I am happy with Naruto. It's not that Sasuke has a crush--it's that he has no idea how to act on it."
Ino frowned. "Act on it? All he needs to do is glare and all the girls in the vicinity spontaneously lose their panties. Lingerie sales have skyrocketed in Konoha since he returned. Shikamaru's still convinced it has to be some kind of special jutsu."
"She's not a fangirl," Sakura explained wearily, privately deciding that Naruto was never, ever allowed to hear of Shikamaru's panty jutsu theory. Her boyfriend was already a little too creative with his ninja talents.
Ino gasped. "Not Kurenai!"
"The other one."
"Oh no... Oh Sakura, that poor, poor girl... She must think he hates her."
"Let me get this straight," Kurenai said, staring at Sasuke. Shikamaru watched in vague interest from the sofa, bouncing her little boy absently in his arms. "You want me to tell you how to seduce a girl I think of as a daughter. Because you think she 'doesn't nag and is really pretty damn hot'."
"My exact words were 'soft-spoken and attractive'," Sasuke muttered. There had to be some sort of law stating that red eyes were copyrighted to the Uchiha clan. It was just plain unnerving, having her glare him down like that.
"I deal with Kiba on a daily basis. I know how to speak hormonal teenager."
"Just use your damn panty jutsu," Shikamaru recommended.
"Panty jutsu?" Kurenai repeated, voice gone dangerously soft, crimson eyes blazing with killing intent.
"I have no idea what he's talking about," Sasuke said truthfully. Sadly, he was totally unaware that in the language of hormonal teenagers, he had just confessed to long-term stalking, multiple panty raids, and spying on the girls' bathing areas.
"Cover my son's eyes and ears, Shikamaru, it's about to get bloody."
"Have you tried telling her you like her?" Naruto asked as he helped Sasuke dig the last of the senbon out of his shoulder. Kurenai had impressive aim and range.
Sasuke stared. "Naruto...you're such a freaking idiot. Who the hell does that?"
Naruto shrugged. "Worked for me with Sakura. And it only took a decade or so."
Sasuke snorted. "Tell her I like her," he scoffed. "That's your problem, moron. You always come on too strong." Glaring and shouting were subtle. Efficient.
"Hey, whatever works. Now what's this about a panty jutsu?"
Just when he was resigning himself to jumping her in the woods, help arrived in the most unexpected form--that of a thirteen year-old with an attitude problem.
"Try pulling her hair," Hyuuga Hanabi counseled, with all the wisdom and authority of a schoolyard playground survivor.
"Pulling her hair," Sasuke repeated, utterly bemused.
Hanabi rolled her eyes, which, given the whole uniformly white eyeball thing, had virtually no visible effect. Sasuke politely refrained from mentioning it, though. Sometimes, regardless of how creepy your eyeballs were, you just had to be thirteen. "Oh, come on. It's foolproof. I mean, she grew up with Neji. She'll know what it means."
Hinata's hair was long and glossy and the most fascinating blue-black color, and it shimmered in the afternoon sun as he gave it a good tug.
She wheeled around, eyes wide and hurt, and froze when she saw him standing there, scowling.
"Oh," she breathed, in sudden understanding. "You mean all this time...?"
"Not interested at all," he grunted. "Go away."
Hinata looked quite attractive when she smiled, and he meant that it the most hormonally teen-aged way possible.
"I am so not helping them with the hand-holding," Hanabi sighed. "Seriously."
"Flashing no jutsu!" Naruto cried, flushed with success and glorying in visions of a bright and undergarment-less future.
Sakura honestly wasn't any more homicidal than the next woman. Unfortunately for Naruto, at that moment, the next woman happened to be Anko. An Anko who had suddenly found herself sans panties.
GUYS. I AM SO SORRY. ...at least i didn't call it lohan no jutsu.