Chapter four: Fear and Hope
We had been sitting in the waiting room for over an hour and still we didn't know anything. I hated it; the worst part is always the not knowing. Not to mention that the fact of the matter was that I had said the kind of things I had to Justin that no brother should ever say. And it was really bugging me that I had refused to talk to him this morning, I had refused to accept his apology. I wished I had not been so stupid.
I stood up needing to stretch and longing to know how my brother was doing. I began to pace the white tiles. I could feel my stomach began to get nauseous. Justin had always said that I was good at worry, he had no idea and it looks like I had a very good reason to worry now.
"Why did this have to happen now?" I moaned. I really needed a chance to talk to my brother. I just wasn't so sure I would be able to, not from what Dad had told me about his condition.
"What happened to the driver?" I asked as I continued to pace.
"He kept driving but we gave the description of the truck to the police so I'm sure they are looking for him" Mom said and I hoped they caught him, how heartless of man must he be to hit a kid and leave him dying in the street. I really hoped he was caught and they threw the book at him.
Finally, I got tired of pacing and sat back down in the hard plastic chair; resting my head in my hands. I stared at the floor. How much longer would this take? I could not take the not knowing of how my little brother was doing. Maybe he was dead already and the doctors didn't want to come out and tell us just yet. I frowned I didn't think that, that would be very likely. I hoped they were trying to fix whatever was wrong with Justin. What worried me was if the shunt in Justin's head got damaged it would kill him. I hoped that his head had not been damaged very badly or at all, because that would take him from us.
"What's taking so long?" I grumbled, I knew my parents and Vic could hear the impatience in my voice, but I couldn't help it I was tired of waiting.
"He's probably in surgery, I'm sure he had plenty of broken bones" Mom said. Though it brought me no comfort, I just wanted to know if Justin was going to live or die.
"I hope its not his shunt that's broken" I said.
"It could be" Mom said "he hit his head pretty hard."
"If the shunt broke we wouldn't have to worry about anything else cause that alone would take him away from us." I said "and I don't want him to be."
"None of us do" Vic said "but it looks like fate is working be it for good or bad."
You don't understand I wanted to scream you don't know the things I said to him and now I may never get the chance to take it back.
I sighed and stood up; I needed to get some fresh air; it felt like I was going to suffocate.
"I'll be back" I muttered and headed for the exit. Once outside I breathed in deeply, the air felt good on my hot flesh. It was starting to get crowded in the waiting room and at times like these I hated crowds they always made things worse. The crowds only made me sicker to my stomach and I didn't need to vomit right now.
I wished I could get my mind off of the situation at hand but I couldn't. I stop thinking about the things I had said. What kind of brother does that make me? Not a very good one that's for sure. I mean after all what older brothers tell their crippled younger brother that he hated him and wished he was dead? I sure do regret the way I had acted now; boy, if I had known this was going to happen, and then maybe I would have kept my big mouth shut. Then again something's cannot be changed and maybe this was supposed to happen.
Sighing, I shoved my hands in my pockets and sat down on the brick wall out the emergency entrance. I never thought I would feel as crappy as I do now, and I'm not just talking about the guilt, although that does play a pretty big role at the moment. My stomach was really starting to bother me, I felt like I was about to vomit and I knew the stress from this situation was really doing me in.
"God, please don't take Justin yet, I have said some things to him that I never should have. I need a chance to make things right with him. Please don't let my little brother die" I finished my plea and stared at the ground. I did not want to imagine life without my little brother; I don't think I would be the same Seth H. Yoder without him. What scared me the most was that I didn't want to be the same without him.
I was glad I wasn't at home when this so called accident had happened. I would never have gotten that image of Justin lying in all that blood out of my head. That would have been too much for me to handle. I'm not the strongest person in the world, everyone would tell you that. There are a lot of things I am not able to handle. The death of my only little brother would top that list. I really wished I could go back in time and take those words back. I should be the one in the ER right now, not Justin. I deserved it more then he did. I was the one who should have to pay for the words that had come out of my mouth.
Tears began leaking from my eyes as I placed my head into my hands. This whole situation was entirely my fault. My own little brother was at death's door because of me. I would probably never get rid of this guilt that I was feeling. I would spend the rest of my life going to therapy because I was stupid and I ran my mouth when I should have kept quiet.
I felt a hand on my shoulder and without looking up I knew it was Mom.
"This whole things my fault" I whispered, my voice broken.
"No, its not" Mom said gently "Nothing you done could have caused this."
"I yelled at him" I said "I told him I hated him and that I wished he was dead."
"Seth," Mom said gently "You were angry, you say things you don't mean when you are angry" I sat there silently staring at the floor wishing I could believe what she was saying but I wasn't so sure that I could.
"I hate you I wish you were dead" my voice ringing through my head, playing like a tape that could not be stopped. I still couldn't believe I had told my handicapped brother that. I felt like crawling up in a hole and dying because I was so miserable. I didn't think this situation was fair but it did me think about how I had treated Justin and it made me sick to think that I might never be able to fix things between us. I stood up and began pacing again; I was nervous. I wanted to know right now what was going on and then again I didn't especially if the news was bad. I stopped pacing and stared at the entrance to the emergency room; this whole situation would be a whole lot better if I had a couple friends with me.
I headed back into the hospital and down the hallway to find a payphone. Right now I just really needed someone my age to talk too. Upon reaching the phone I grabbed a couple quarters from my pocket. I slide the money into the slot and dialed Brad's number. I knew he and Annie would come and wait with me. I hoped Brad would be home right now because his family would go out a lot. My fears were laid to rest as he answered the phone after two rings.
"Brad, its me Seth" I said flatly this would be harder than I expected it to be.
"Hey, Seth, what's up man?" Brad asked cheerfully. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Brad knew instantly that something was wrong.
"Seth, what's going on? Where are you?"
"I'm at the hospital" I replied.
"Are you okay?" Brad asked, I knew he would think I was the one hurt.
"It's not me, its Justin" I said as tears began to fall down my face.
"What happened?" Brad asked and I could hear the concern in his voice.
"He was practicing for his race and a dog ran in his way and Justin swerved to miss it and he swerved right into a drunk driver." I whispered barely able to get the story past my lips.
"Do you know how he is?" my friend asked. He knew all about the shunt in Justin's head and he knew it would be bad news for Justin if it broke again.
"No, he's in surgery right now" I replied "I'm scared he's going to die and I'll never be able to make things right again.
"I know you are but you have got to think about Justin surviving all those other operations." Brad said "how about I call Annie and we come wait with you?"
"You wouldn't mind?" I asked I knew Brad knew just how much I was hurting right now and having him and Annie with me would make things easier.
"Not at all" Brad said "besides you shouldn't be alone right now"
"Thanks" I said grateful to my friend.
"Don't mention it; I'll call Annie and we'll come right over. You are at Mercy General right?'
"Yeah" I replied. We spoke for a few more minutes and then got off. I felt a little better knowing that my two best friends were coming. Hanging the phone up I headed back to the waiting room to do even more waiting. I hoped it wouldn't be too long before we found something out, I just hoped it would be good news. But I was starting to get a weird feeling about this whole situation.
Ten minutes later Brad and Annie arrived and headed straight for where I was sitting alone. I was glad to see them and stood when they reached me.
"Still no news?" Brad asked after we had all hugged and they exchanged condolences.
"No," I replied glumly " I wish I knew something, anything right now but we have gotten nowhere."
"Maybe no news is good news?" Annie suggested placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.
"I doubt that" I said "not from the way my dad described Justin's condition."
We sat back down and once seated I put my head in my hands and continued to stare at the floor. Brad and Annie both sat with a hand on my shoulder. I could hear Mom, Dad and Vic talking but I ignored whatever it was they were discussing, though I had the feeling that it was me they were talking about. I was so miserable right now that nothing could affect me. I told Brad and Annie that it was my fault I was so miserable and they both disagreed with me.
"You were angry at Justin and said things you didn't mean. That did not cause this accident to happen" Annie said gently.
"I'm so scared that Justin's going to die" I whispered "I'm terrified that I can never make things right again."
"You're little brother will pull through this" Brad said "it might take a little while but eventually Justin will be okay." There was something about that statement that made the weird feeling return to my stomach.
ext chapter we will learn what is going on with Justin and I want to thank lilfiftyfour for help with some ideas. Thanks a lot I will also be trying to update this one some more.