We used to play this game at my old work and it's actually hilarious. It's surprising the kind of conundrums you come up with, and the sort of in depth thinking you do with such a little, silly game.

Anyway. I can imagine this happening: Tony introducing some suggestive game when they're all bored. I hope you enjoy!

Screw, Marry, Kill.

It was rare that there was neither a case to be solved nor paper work to be done. When it did happen, it meant they were in for a long and boring day. They mulled around the bullpen like lost lambs, Tony polished his Mighty Mouse stapler, Ziva sorted her paperclips, McGee did computer stuff. No one was entirely sure what Gibbs did.

Today was such a day, and, when the paper clips were sorted, the stapler polished, and McGee through pretending he was the goal in Tony's paper football game (rather unwillingly), Gibbs stopped them.

"We got a case boss?" Grinned Tony excitedly, all but bouncing on his seat.

"Nope, DiNozzo. But you have a mission." Gibbs smirked. "All of you go down to Abby's. You're going to help her clean."

Ziva groaned, bending as she dusted behind the Mass Spectroscope. It wasn't like she didn't enjoy a day at Abby's; certainly it was more fun than a day sitting aimlessly at her desk staring at Tony would have been. Well…

No, she was glad to spend a day in the lab, it was just the cleaning!

"I believe this was not in my job description." She remarked sourly.

Tony shrugged beside her. "Better than nothing. God, I was getting so bored upstairs. We need some action soon, I'm all pumped from last night, I want to shoot something."

"Ballistics lab?" Abby suggested cheerily, as she scrubbed down the sides of the gas chromatograph.

"Oh, Gibbs'd love that." Growled McGee sarcastically, from somewhere under a bench.

"Dare I ask what last night entailed?" Ziva smiled, when Tony stepped back from his work to inspect, and then hoisted himself up on the evidence table to wait for Abby's appraisal, and the next chore she wanted him to do.

"Nothing much." He admitted, "Just got together with some of my old mates from the force. We caught up, I told them about all the action at NCIS, the crazy gun toting perps the Israeli assassins, and gothic forensic specialists. They were very jealous." He added, when Ziva and Abby turned to him and raised a brow at their mentions. The girls smirked.

"Didn't tell them about me, though." McGee stated bitterly, emerging from under the evidence table and making Tony jump.

"I was trying to make them jealous, McGeek." He explained, as if it were obvious. McGee rolled his eyes. "We drank, watched TV, a couple of movies, played this really cool game- Hey! Why don't we play a game?"

"A game!" Abby spun around from the centrifuge, eyes suddenly bright and excited, "What kind of game?"

"Do not encourage him Abby." Frowned Ziva, back behind the Mass Spec, bending down over it to reach right to the base, and consequently giving Tony a great view of her behind. "There!" She exclaimed, "Clean as a thistle."

"Whistle." Corrected Tony and McGee in unison.

"Whistles are not clean." Ziva argued in astonishment, "They have people blowing spit and germs into them all day!"

"Well…" Began Tony, but she had a point. "Thistles aren't clean either." She rolled her eyes.

"Is it a fun game?" Asked Abby, with the enthusiastic persistence of a child.

"Very fun." Tony grinned immediately.

"I wouldn't take his word for that," Cut in McGee but Abby shushed him.

"Explain." She demanded, and stood with her arms crossed over her chest in front of Tony.

"Well." He began. "The name of the game is 'Screw, Marry, Kill.' And the idea is, you're given a list of three people that everyone in the group you're playing with knows, and you have to choose out of the three who you screw, who you marry and who you kill."

"This sound silly." Ziva frowned.

"Silly perhaps," Tony agreed, "But silly things can be fun, Zee-vah. The only rules are you can't double up, as in you can't kill all the people or screw all of them, and you can't choose family members cause that's…weird. So for example, I would say, McGoo," he turned to the younger agent, who still looked sceptical, "Screw, Marry, Kill, Jessica Alba, Cameron Diaz, and Lucy Lui?"


"Come on Probie, it's not a hard game."

"Uh, I don't particularly want to marry any of them."

"But you want to screw some of them?" Abby noted, and laughed. McGee blushed.

"Pick, McGee." Insisted Ziva, "Do not be such a…what is it?" She asked Tony.


"Yes! Do not be such a wuss!"

"I'm not being a wuss." He grumbled, but sighed. "Fine. I'd…screw Jessica Alba, marry Lucy Lui and kill Cameron Diaz."

Abby gasped, "But I love Cameron Diaz!"

Tony grinned, "Good choice Probie. You're turn!"

"My turn?"

"To ask someone." Tony insisted.

"Right. Uh, Abby. Screw, Marry, Kill, um…President Obama, George Bush or…Bill Clinton."

She gaped at him, "Ew! McGee!"

"What!" He defended. "That's the point right?" He looked to Tony for clarification, "To give a tough choice?" Tony grinned.

"Oh," Ziva laughed, "You are a natural McGee. Go, Abby, make your choice."

"Well. Obviously they're all much too old for me, but…I guess if I had to choose…Well I'd screw Obama. No, wait, oh no, I couldn't bear to be married to Bush or Clinton, um…Ok. No, I'll marry Obama, screw Clinton and kill Bush." She nodded.

The others laughed. "Clinton?" Asked Tony, grinning ear to ear.

Abby huffed. "Well at least he seems experienced! Fine, Tony! Screw, Marry, Kill…Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and Belle from Beauty and the Beast."

"Cartoon characters?"

"You said there were no rules."

"So I did. Well," He caught his chin between two fingers and thought about it. "Well I guess I would screw Belle, marry Snow White and kill Sleeping Beauty."

"Ew, Tony." Added Ziva, but there was a laugh in her voice.

"Sleeping Beauty's the best looking one of the lot!" McGee suddenly argued, his face betraying his wonder at the strange choice.

"Well," Tony considered, "she's pretty enough, sure, but to be perfectly honest, she'd be a damn boring as a wife and a fuck buddy, she just sleeps!"

"You've really thought this through Tony!" Abby laughed, and the senior field agent grinned, as though receiving a compliment.

"Okay, you guys are doing alright, but I get the feeling you haven't completely grasped the power of this game. Let me show you, Ziva, screw, marry, kill, Vance, Gibbs and Abby."

His three colleagues gaped at him.

"But, I, I work with them." Insisted Ziva firmly, "And Abby is a girl!"

"No rules," Tony smirked, "Remember?"

They stared at him for a moment longer, then Ziva composed herself, that same, self righteous, let nothing stand in her way look settling on her features. "Well, I would kill Vance, that is easy…and then…I would screw Gibbs and marry Abby."

"Aw." Smiled the Goth, "That's so sweet Ziva!" and moved in to hug her, but stopped short, suddenly pouting, "Or is it just that you find me sexually unattractive?"

"Not at all Abby." Ziva assured, "It's just that Gibbs is, well, a man." She grinned, and Abby laughed. "Well Tony," Smirked Ziva, "Two can play at that game. Screw, marry, kill, Vance, Gibbs and McGee."

McGee spluttered, suddenly choking on air, his face bright red, but Tony laughed outright. "I suppose first I'd have to kill Vance." He nodded, "Then…yeah. I'd screw Gibbs and marry the Probie." He said sweetly, and ruffled his junior agents hair, much to his disgust.

"I don't even want to think about it." Grumbled McGee.

"I do." Abby murmured, and they turned to find a faint blush colouring her cheeks as she stared unseeingly into the distance.

"Don't tell me that me and the Geek do it for you Abs," chuckled Tony, but the scientist shook her head.

"You and Gibbs." She sighed, happily, eyes still far away in la-la land.

"Hmm." Murmured Ziva, with a surprised sound beside him, and he turned to see her head cocked and eyes contemplative.

"Not you too Zi!" He groaned.

"It does make for a surprisingly pretty picture." She defended.

"No it doesn't." Moaned McGee, as the mental images took hold.

"You guys are weird." Confirmed Tony. "McGee, screw, marry, kill, Palmer, Gibbs and Ziva!"

"Uh…kill palmer, screw Ziva and marry…" He stopped, and cocked his head to the side. "Wait."

The others grinned at him. "Marry Gibbs, McGoo?"

"Better have tried." Smiled Abby.

"Um…then…Ok, that's actually a hard one. God. Well, I still couldn't kill Ziva or Gibbs. Kill Palmer, screw Gibbs, and marry Ziva."

Tony giggled. "You screwed Gibbs over Ziva. Something you're not telling us, McMan-lover?"

"I screwed Gibbs over marrying Gibbs." McGee corrected. "It's perfectly logical."

Ziva laughed.

"Abby, screw, marry, kill, Ziva, me and Tony."

This turned heads, all eyes focusing on Abby, intrigued.

"Oh." She frowned. "Don't hate me Ziva, but I'd kill you, screw Tony and marry McGee."

"Oh yeah." Grinned Tony, and winked at Abby who rolled her eyes.

"The male thing?" Asked Ziva and Abby nodded, smiling.

"Why would you screw Tony?" Frowned McGee, but behind the veil of nonchalance there was just a hint of jealousy.

Abby smiled, "Because I'd much rather live with you, Timmy." McGee grinned. "For example, Tim, screw, marry, kill, Vance, Ducky and Tony."

The agent blinked, and then groaned. "Okay, okay."

"Say it." Smirked Tony.

"Kill Vance, marry Ducky, and…screw Tony." He frowned and then turned unhappily to his senior agent, "For once you're the lesser of the evils."

Tony grinned.

"Tony," McGee began the game again, "choose out of…us three." They all turned, and Tony leaned back on the table to consider.

"Well. I'd kill you, McGoo." He started, rhyming the words. "Then screw Abby and marry Ziva."




Tony blinked. "Um, yes?" And looked at his stunned colleagues in confusion, "I mean, you're a nice guy and all McGee, it's just that thing you've got going on with the, well, penis, doesn't really work for me and,-"

"But wouldn't you screw Ziva?" Cut in Abby.

"You've practically been chopping at the nit from day one, Tony."

"Chomping at the bit Zi, and no, I haven't." He dismissed quickly, and looked away from his sceptical partner, a slight blush betraying his nonchalance. "So what? I answered your question; I'd marry Ziva and screw Abby. Deal with it."

"Do you find me unattractive Tony?"

"I find you very attractive, Zee-vah."

"Then why wouldn't you screw me? And Abby seems much more the marrying type. I am defiantly not a 'housewife.' Not that Abby is," She amended quickly, "but, she is certainly less likely to kill you for leaving you shirt lying on the ground and-"

"Hey," Tony interrupted. "I find you plenty attractive, and who says we can't screw when we're married?"

She blinked.

"Now if we're quite done," he continued, "Abby: Palmer, me and Gibbs."

"Kill palmer, screw Gibbs, marry you." She answered easily. "Ziva," She grinned, turning, "Screw, Marry, Kill, us three."

Ziva pursed her lips. "Well I would kill you Abby,"

"Male thing." Abby grinned, drawing a smile from Ziva.

"And I would marry Tony and screw McGee."

"Don't you find me attractive Ziva?" Tony mocked, smirking, and she rolled her eyes at him.

"Who says we can't screw when we're married?" She asked, returning his words.

Suddenly Abby giggled. They turned to her and if the giddy excitement in her eyes and the bitten lip weren't enough warning, the slight rocking, bounce she'd started would have done it.

"Do you know what just happened?" She asked them, voice high, and all too happy.

"Um, we discovered the wonders of the marriage bed?" Suggested Tony.

"No." Abby grinned. "You two just said you'd marry each other over screwing each other."

They blinked, and then looked at each other, blushing, before turning quickly back to Abby.

"Well that was only when-"

"It's just a game-"

"In another circumstance-"

"-totally out of context-"

"Tony!" Abby suddenly commanded, "Out of me, Ziva and Kate, if she were still with us, who would you have married?"



"Ziva." He admitted, sulkily.

"And out of me, Kate, Paula, Lee, Jenny, Ziva and Jeanne." She asked, and held his eyes when they went wide at the mention of his old girlfriend.

"Well, uh…Ziva." He agreed, momentarily, shoulders coming up in defence.

"Ziva. Out of Gibbs, McGee, Palmer, Ducky, and Tony?"

"Tony." She whispered, frowning.

"And out of Gibbs, McGee-"

"We're partners!" Tony suddenly growled, his eyebrows drawn tight and unhappy, "We have each other's backs, we'd never kill each other, but we could never be so callous as just to screw each other cause it would screw everything. We're not madly in love, Abby, we're partners." He explained, his breath rushing out in a sigh as he finished.

Abby gaped at him and then drew back, ashamed. "Tony, I-"

"DiNozzo! David!" Gibbs face suddenly flashed up on the plasma.

"Yes Boss!" Tony answered immediately.

"Don't look like your cleaning." Gibbs frowned.

"We were just taking a breather, Gibbs." Voiced Ziva

"Just about to get back to it." Tony assured, suddenly worried his boss had found a way to climb through plasma screens and smack him.

"Don't bother." Gibbs returned. "Either of you two remember the Rayson case?"

"Drug deal gone bad." Tony nodded, and Ziva stepped up beside him, a single bob of her head signalling her memory of the case too.

"Good, need some confirmation on these files. Get up here."

"On it boss." Confirmed Tony, and turned to go before the plasma had even shut off, Ziva following.

"Tony-" Abby tried again, but he just tussled her hair as he walked past.

"Forget it," He grinned.

They entered the elevator in silence.

"Did you mean it?" Ziva began, quietly.

"Mean what?" He returned, not looking at her.

"The partners thing."


She smiled, and gave a short laugh, but even to her ears it sounded empty. "You are more responsible than I have given you credit for, Tony."

He slammed the emergency stop.

They stood still.

"I meant it." He repeated, but the words were heavier, more weighted. "I couldn't kill you." He added as before, and this time continued the thought. "Not ever, not to save the whole team… Not to save the whole world." She looked up at him, surprised, "But I couldn't screw you either. At least, not just the one time. I think I'd kill myself, if I could only have you once and not ever again. That's why I'm trying so hard to keep this thing at arms length, cause sometimes it feels like, if I just touched you, I'd never be able to let go." He sighed, and turned to find her staring up at him, eyes wide and shining.

"Tony." She whispered.

"It's not cause we're partners Zi. I'd marry you, cause I can't bare the thought of my life without you in it."

It lay before them, stripped bare and raw and bloody, and he waited for her to throw it in his face.

Instead she crossed it. And kissed him.

"Is this what it means?" She clarified when she drew back, their noses touching, "Madly in love?"

He grinned stupidly, "Dunno." He admitted. "Maybe." And just the lack of denial lit up her eyes with excitement.

"However," She smiled indulgently as she pulled away, "I fear there will not be much more time to find out if we keep Gibbs waiting."

Tony laughed. "We should go up."

She nodded, "And in virtue of extending what time we have a little longer-"

"Maybe we should refrain from telling him about this little chat." Tony finished.

"A wise idea, my little hairy butt." Smiled Ziva, and pressed the emergency stop again, the elevator groaning back to life. "And by the way," She added, "I could not kill you either. Ever. Nor live without you, nor have you just the once." She whispered, and smiled softly up at him.

He was a millisecond from slamming the emergency stop again when the doors 'pinged' and opened.

She turned around and began to leave, but it did not escape his notice the way her hand lingered on his, or the way a finger trailed up from his wrist to his elbow, as if reluctant to leave the haven of his skin.

He grinned and followed her into the squad room, watching the curve of her body without shame.

Stupid game, it was so flawed. How could she ever be just one thing? She wasn't just someone to screw, or someone just to marry. She was just Ziva. Perfectly, completely Ziva.

As they turned into the bullpen, he couldn't keep the smile of his face.


I hope you all agreed with my Screw, Marry, Kill choices, I tried to make them as realistic as I could! And I hope you've learnt a new game to try out with your friends! Lol.

So, please let me know what you think. Reviews don't take long, but they mean a lot.