Author's Notes: Le gasp, I'm alive! Shocking, I know. :) Okay, so this story is another supposed-to-be one-shot, but it's turned out to be a mini-series. There will be five chapters. I'll go ahead and give all the warnings and such right here at the front so that I won't have to for the rest of the chapters. I'll probably add an author's note at the end of the last one, but that'll be it.

This story was inspired by Her Sweetness's A Romance of the Two Dancing Girls. Sadly, Her Sweetness has decided to take down that wonderful story as well as my two other favorite stories, Pais Philos and Nekros Philos. It's actually quite a shame that those stories are no longer up, and I took it a lot harder than I should have. Those three stories have been quite the muses and it was quite a shock that they were taken down. Her Sweetness has taken them down for personal reasons and I must respect that, however, if anyone happens to have those stories saved and can send it to me, I will be eternally grateful and give you a butt-load of DeathCookies.

Now, this is also another story that is not for the faint of heart. There will be horrible things in it, so please don't be offended. As per usual, feel free to point out any grammar or spelling mistakes or any suggestions for making this a better story. Any reviews and such will be greatly appreciated!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of its characters.

WARNINGS: AU, explicit smut, thoughts of suicide, rape, mutilation, character death, and major angst.


When I was four, I kissed a boy in the park where I was playing. He called me gross. When I was six, I asked Daddy if I could get a dress. I wasn't able to walk for a week after that. When I was ten, I asked why I couldn't be a girl and that's when I really began to understand how screwed up I was and how twisted the world around me was. After that I swore that I would never make that mistake again. Sadly, I haven't gotten any better and it seems like I still haven't learned.

My father was the head of the Russian mafia that plagued the city. Everyone knew it, and that's why no one ever messed with me. My body guards might or might not be seen, but they could always be felt near by. After all, I was the sole heir, the only boy who could carry on my father's mob legacy. And oh, how I despised it. I didn't want to have anything to do with my father's cruel ways or his rough and rowdy followers, and I most certainly didn't want the job of killing people and selling drugs for the purely selfish reason of being a filthy rich criminal.

No, I wanted something far from that. I wanted to fall in love and get married, to have my happily ever after. I wanted to stay at home to cook and clean and I wanted to greet my spouse when he came home after a hard day of work. I wanted to hold him and be held, to love and be loved back. Was that too much to ask?

It obviously was.

I felt trapped, like I was drowning in my own body. The mafia wasn't exactly known for its tolerance, so I tried to live my entire life hiding myself and my true desires. I spent years building the perfect façade and it had paid off. No one suspected a thing, not even my best friend. Looking at his hunched form, my heart ached more than ever. Matt wouldn't hate me if I told him how much I hated the skin I was in. He wouldn't hate me if I cried and told him how much I wanted to be a girl. But still, I couldn't find it in myself to tell him. There was always the chance that he would hate me, and I would die if that happened. I would die…


"Mellow Yellow!"

Rolling my eyes as I stepped out of the Rolls Royce, I watched as Matt ran to me, his stripe clad arms waving around dramatically. My guards tensed as he glomped me but I couldn't care less. They should be used to my hyper friend by now. Well, I guess them not tackling him and breaking his arms meant that they were.

"Mattie, do you want to die?" I deadpanned as his bright blue eyes looked up with mischief.

"We're on the verge of finishing high school!"

"Ugh, yeah. It's been that way all year long."

"But it just recently sunk in," he explained as we walked into the building arm-in-arm. "I don't know what I'll do with myself!"

"Oh, I'm sure you'll figure it out," I yawned. "Wait here for a sec, I need to use the restroom."


As soon as I walked into the restroom, I rushed to the sinks and splashed cold water on my face. "Get a grip," I whispered to myself.

I was completely humiliated at the fact that my disgusting flesh was now fully erect. Why? Because Matt touched me. Every day it seemed harder and harder to control myself around him. He was absolutely stunning, was a sweetheart, and he knew me better than anyone else. I mean, what wasn't there to love about him?


Looking at my flushed face in the mirror, I came to a horrifying conclusion. This was no longer a crush or a temporary infatuation. By the love of all things holy, I had fallen in love with my best friend. My best straight friend! Not only did my groin ache, but my heart was hurting even worse. Another headache was building behind my teal eyes. The stress of my home life and keeping my true self hidden had been getting worse, and now my migraines were near constant. No matter how much the doctor upped the dosage, my pain pills weren't helping it either. I wanted to just break down and cry, let it all out if only for a few damned seconds.

Just then, two guys came into the bathroom, laughing loudly about something. Once they saw me, all mirth drained from their faces. They went quiet and quickly used the urinals. Then they were gone. I felt really sick. However, I didn't need my bodyguards to come in and question if I was constipated or something appalling like that, so I ran my wet fingers through my perfect hair and took several deep breaths to calm myself down. Eventually, it worked and I was able to saunter out as if there had never been anything wrong at all.

Like a puppy waiting for its master, Matt looked up expectantly with this really stupid grin. It made me want to kiss him. "So, anyways," he started as I helped to haul him to his feet, "I'm gonna be the first one in my family to graduate high school!"

I smiled back at him. "Congrats. I'll be the first in my family too."

"Really?" he asked in surprise. "I thought that all Mafia heads got to have an education nowadays."

His comment made me snort in amusement. "You're so stupid sometimes, Mattie. The only education that matters is the school of hard knocks. Other than that, no one gives a shit."

"Then why are you here?" he asked honestly. No one else I knew would dare ask such personal questions.

"My dad didn't think it would hurt to have his son educated while he was still running the Mafia. Once he gets killed, though, I'll be expected to get out."

"'Get killed?' Don't you think he has a shot at dying of natural causes?"

"No way. No Mafia boss ever dies of natural causes, especially in the Russian mafia."

"Don't you wanna die of natural causes?" he wondered out loud.

I felt my heart twist up. Yes, I wanted to die in a nice warm bed with my loved ones around me for support. "Nah, I'm fine with dying in the middle of some glorious fight."

Matt shuddered. "I want to live to be 120 years old! That way, when I croak, I'm gone. No way to revive me."

"Why's that?"

"So that I don't have to deal with all the reviving crap. Once I'm dead, I want to stay dead."

"Yeah, me too." Looking into his goggle-clad eyes, I chuckled. "Promise that when I die, you'll just let me go?"

He smiled back, not at all bothered by my strange request. "Sure. Do the same for me, 'k?"

"I promise." Once I died, I never wanted to come back to this hell-hole of a life.


I was home alone today. Then again, that's how it was most days. My father was always off doing business, and no one else cared enough about me to give a fuck. After all, I was the illegitimate son. My father was supposed to have a son by the daughter of an ally gang boss, but instead his mistress got pregnant. She was a good for nothing slut that threatened to ruin his whole career as a mob boss if he didn't pay her off and when she gave birth to me, my dad was fully intending to off us both. And then two things happened that made him take me in. First, his wife found out about the mistress and killed herself in a fit of jealousy and second, my dad got the shit beaten out of him by her grieving family. His injuries resulted in his becoming impotent after that, which meant no more chance of a legitimate son. Of course, others were dying to set their families up as the successors, but for some weird reason my dad chose me instead. He offed my mom of course, but I was too young to remember. Sometimes I found myself wondering if she was pretty.

Anyways, I walked through the empty house. My guards were sitting on the couch and watching the television, but they might as well have been gone. To me, they weren't really there.

"Is Dad coming home soon?" I asked. My voice sounded hollow.

"Nope," Jerry replied without taking his eyes off the show. "Have you taken your pills?"

My pills. "I'm going to take them now. I'll be in my room studying, so don't bother me."

They nodded absentmindedly. After a few seconds, I turned on my heel and headed upstairs to my room. Clicking the lock behind me, I breathed in deeply as I felt the mask crumble to pieces. I was crying already and my arms were wrapped tightly around my thin legs. It was hard to keep my sobbing quiet, but I didn't want them coming up to check on me.

"Why?" I whispered when I finally got control of myself. "Why is it like this?"

Wiping my angry red eyes, I glanced at my stash of medication. I could take it all right now, every single one of them. Dragging myself to my feet, I forced myself to walk past them. If I wasn't going to end my miserable existence, then I was going to have a little fun. God knows that I need some bad. Digging through my closet, I pulled out a small black box. I glanced around guiltily before opening it; all lined up neatly inside was my stolen make-up. There was foundation and blush, lipstick, eyeliners, eye shadow, mascara, glitter, and even my favorite neon green nail polish. Sighing happily, I pulled my hair back into a ponytail and set up my mirror so that I could see what I was doing.

The foundation was running a little low, but it would make do for today. Once that was spread evenly on my face, I pulled out my big brush and dusted the powder on delicately. I was going for a natural look with a tad bit of glitter just to bring out my lips and eyes. The black eyeliner brought out my stunning turquoise eyes and I layered some pale greens and blues over my soft eyelids. A dash of mascara elongated my lashes, but I had to get my little tool out to separate the eyelashes; I hated it when they clumped up. Patiently, I worked on my face with light even strokes until I was absolutely happy. A delicate pink was painted on my lips and a sprinkle of glitter made them sparkle happily. Then a dash more of the glitter was painted just under my eyes.

Sighing in contentment, I took the nail polish remover and proceeded to take all that dreadful black polish off. It was the only color I was allowed to wear outside of my room, and I guess that was better than nothing. Still, I liked my neon green much better. I did my fingers and toes. Blowing on them, I took the time to look at the mirror. I…looked so sad. A sad young girl, that's what I looked like; so I forced myself to smile, and I liked how it looked. Damn it all, why couldn't I have been born a happy and beautiful girl! Once the nails were dried, I went exploring in my mess closet once more. The truth was that I hated this mess and everyday I just wanted to clean up my room, but if I did that it would look suspicious. Boys didn't have clean rooms, so therefore, I had to keep a messy room even if it killed me. However, there was one advantage and that was that it was easier to hide things in messy rooms. What I'm referring to is my one true treasure, the only possession that I prized. With shaking hands, I slowly pulled out my guilty pleasure, a small white dress.

Thin straps accentuated my shoulders beautifully, and it had a modest top. It tapered in a little around the waist before flowing into a delicately ruffled skirt. Lace had been sewn around the bottom edge, adding a touch of tasteful feminism. More than happy to get rid of my ghastly leather and my breezy boxers, I carefully pulled on the soft dress. I couldn't help but sigh happily as I felt the dress coddle me within its cotton arms. No living person had ever held me so gently.

"Dancing bears…painted wings…things I almost remember…"

Closing my eyes and whispering the lyrics I held so close to my heart, I allowed myself to sway to the music that only I could hear.

"And a song…someone sings…once upon a December…"

Swaying back and forth, my bare feet shuffled lightly on the scratchy carpet. My cold arms wrapped around my body, allowing my vulnerability to bare itself to the empty room. Who would see me? Feeling a little more inspired as the words continued to spill from my painted lips, I allowed my hands to rise above my head as my body continued to twirl and rock slowly.

"Someone holds me safe and warm…horses prance through a silver storm…"

It was all like a dream, a safe place. Inside my dress, I felt confident and beautiful; there were no headaches, no stress, no worries. In my mind's eye I could see Matt standing there happily, more than eager to take my hand and join me in the dance. He would wrap his arm around my waist, and take my hand gingerly. Those gorgeous blue eyes wouldn't be hidden behind his dorky goggles and they would stare at me with endless love. I would hold him back of course, loving the feel of his strong chest and the way that he nuzzles against my neck. And when we made love, I wanted to feel him inside of me, my warm silky flesh taking him in eagerly. It would be beautiful, and for a while I let myself pretend that it was true.


"Prom's in two weeks," Matt stated casually.

Damn it all, he had no clue the pain he was inflicting on me. I would die for a chance to shop for a beautiful dress and a night to dress up like the princess I was. "Yup. Sucks, huh?"

Matt glanced at me as he munched on his tuna sandwich. The meat smelled spoiled. "No way! We need to find some chicks to take."

I shot him a dirty glance. "Oh yeah, like some girl's just gonna agree to go with me."

Of course, my idiot friend didn't see it that way. "No! You see, if you ask someone, she has to go because she'll be scared of being lynched by your dad's gang if she says no. Then you can force her to bring a friend along for me." He said that all with a smile. Sometimes, I really wanted to slap the shit out of him.

But it was all in love. "I'm not using my Dad's fucking power to get a date, Matt. That's just pathetic."

"But…we are pathetic, Melly." Gah, he just didn't give up. "I mean, Seniors and we've never even had a date? That's just not normal."

Yes, I was painfully aware of how not normal I was. "It's not that bad. Why don't we just hang out?"

He finished the nasty lunch by shoving it down his throat before he proceeded to attack my untouched food. At least my fruit salad was fresh. I watched him eat, painfully aware of how perfect he was, iron stomach and all. His Adam's apple bobbed sexily as he swallowed down the masticated greens, reds, and oranges, and a little bit of the juice gathered at the corner of his lips. He was killing me! Could I even survive until the end of the year?

"Don'tcha ever want to do something else?" he whined as he inhaled the rest of my salad. I didn't mind because I knew that he was literally starving. "I mean, all we do is hang out. Don't you ever get bored?"

"No," I admitted quietly. His words stung painfully, but I tried not to let it show. Matt got bored with me? Was it because we were both guys and he just wanted a girlfriend to hold and love and kiss and-STOP. I wasn't going to go there. "I'm not trying to rule your life, Mattie. You can get a girlfriend if you want and then you'd be able to take her to prom."

He studied me for a moment and I was so worried that he would be able to see the truth in my eyes. But he shrugged and drank my cranberry juice greedily. Smacking his lips, he laughed off my comment. "You know I can't pick up a girl to save my life."

Life really sucked. If only I was a damn girl, he'd be asking me to the fucking prom! Thankfully, before I had a chance to say something stupid that would undoubtedly reveal my feelings for him, our homeroom teacher walked to our table by the football field.

"Keehl, Jeevas, you two are supposed to be putting up decorations!"

Ah, good ol' Mr. B. His name was actually Beyond Birthday, but he threatened to painfully murder anyone who dared to call him anything other than Mr. B; needless to say, we all took him quite seriously, especially after he brought a cleaver to school. Yeah, he was one of the few teachers who didn't fear me or my father so I liked him a lot.

"We're eating lunch," I complained good-naturedly.

"Not anymore," he stated. "Now, get your asses in there or I'll have to skin you two and make a new lamp shade for my lover." Hmm, I don't think I mentioned that he was also one of the few openly-gay people I knew. His boyfriend was a super shy therapist who would only come to the school on special occasions.

"I doubt he'd like our pale hides as a lamp shade," Matt pointed out.

Mr. B grinned widely. "Oh no, he'd love it."

"Let's go," I yawned, taking Matt's hand. "The sooner we get done, the better."

Putting up stupid decorations wasn't nearly as fun as it sounded. The theme of this year's prom was "Gothic Midnight" so Matt and I were struggling to put up the large cut-outs of black castles. He was at the bottom, trying to line it up with the tiled floor, while I was on top of the ladder, trying to hold the behemoth cut-out up. The ladder wobbled dangerously, but I tried to focus on not letting the cardboard thing flop over or tear.

"There," Matt panted as he held his end perfectly still. "Tape it up quick!"

One hand inched behind my left leg where I had placed the roll of tape. It was clear so that no one would notice it, but it was also the one that was super hard to tear. Having only one hand to work with made it that much more difficult. "Fuck, why didn't we pre-cut strips?" I groaned.

His eyes looked up at me, before he chuckled breathily. "You know, that would have made sense."

As I struggled to cut a piece, Matt's hands slipped and tilted the whole castle crooked. "Gah, is the fucking world against us today?!" I screeched, wobbling even more dangerously on the stupid cheap ladder.

"Seriously! No dates, no life, and we can't even straighten this stupid thing up!"

"Thank you, Captain Obvious, for your beautiful remarks."

"Anything to help."

"Shut up."

We both smiled warmly at each other and a part of me was whispering that things would be okay between us. I could handle the feelings for as long as it took, until the day that either of us died. It was kind of sad to realize that I would probably be the first to go. In a way, I was thankful. Because, if Matt ever died, I would kill myself; I refused to live in a world without his dorky stolen goggles or his shiny white teeth, or his-

At that moment, the ladder decided to give out. As in, it couldn't support my fat ass any longer. It folded underneath me. I heard a high-pitched scream somewhere as I fell and a painful sounding crack echoed through the still empty halls. Not feeling any pain, I feared the worst: I had broken my neck in the fall.

"D-do you mind?" a strangely terse voice asked beneath me. I opened my eyes and was shocked to see a very familiar brunette beneath me, practically nose-to-nose.

Shit, I was on top of Matt!!!! As soon as I tried to pull off of him, his hand clenched my shoulder and held me still. I could feel his heart racing against my own, and a blush rose to my face. We were so fucking close. "M-matt?"

"Please," he squeaked. "Y-your knee…my b-balls…"

Shoot me now! My knee was quite obviously crushing a very sensitive part of his body and if I had sat up, Matt would've never had children. So…that's why he held me close. It wasn't because he liked me; no, that would be stupid. It was because I was hurting him. Touching his privates with my knee. Dear lord, I was never going to wash that knee. Still, looking down into his teary eyes I felt everything that I had worked so hard for fly away. I was in his arms right now, and I never wanted to leave. Slowly, I leaned my head down towards his, my breath heavy and my heart pounding excitedly. My trembling lips came in contact with the warm lips which still tasted of spoilt tuna and fruit salad, and for a moment nothing else fucking mattered. It was me, with my lips on my Matt.

In a flash, I was running away, trying to stifle the tears that wanted to run down my face. How could I do that? How could I fucking kiss Matt?!!! What about all that bullshit on how I could handle it, and live without ever telling him anything. I didn't fucking say anything, but I kissed him! On the lips! Matt was going to hate me, and how could I live without him? I needed him, wanted him, stupid, stupid, stupid! My gloved hand was clasped over my stupid lips, trying to at least keep the sound of my sobs stifled up. Shit, the tears were coming and they had no intention of stopping. Strike me dead, now. Please.

A strong hand grabbed a hold of my arm, jerking me around. Looking up I could see my frightened reflection glaring at me from the orange goggles and I began to struggle desperately. He was pissed off, how do I explain?

"Matt, I-"

Before the random excuses even had a chance to make an appearance, I felt myself being shoved against the lockers and his hot mouth descended on mine. The tears fell from my wide eyes as I felt him pressing for a deeper kiss. My legs felt like noodles as I shyly opened my mouth and allowed his tongue to invade. If this was a dream, I never wanted to wake up. I was perfectly fine with clutching his arms for dear life and submitting to his better kissing skills. How did someone who's never dated kiss like that? One of his arms wrapped around my waist, holding me up as well as pulling our hips up against each other. His hardness ground against my arousal, forcing a pathetically needy moan to slip out between our hungry mouths.

Feeling dizzy from the lack of oxygen and blood to my brain, I carelessly shoved my hand down the front of his jeans, grabbing at his burning member. The fact that I had very nearly well crushed his testicles didn't seem to be important at the moment. His member was thick and stiff, fitting perfectly in my slender hand. A husky groan from him brushed against my lips as I began to pump his cock erratically. He stumbled to do the same to me, but I grabbed his hand with my free one, intertwining our fingers. Right now, I didn't want a reminder of what my body consisted of. I just wanted to pretend that I was perfect and that I could offer him pleasure. Matt wasn't in the mind to debate and just rocked into my hand. Those perfect lips were on mine again, sucking and driving me wild. His left hand clenched my hair tightly and tugged mercilessly as I finally brought him over the edge. Feeling the warm release all over my hand, I cried out in pleasure and clung to him as a life-line. My own climax had come but I was a little too preoccupied with his mouth consuming my cries, my lips, my tongue, my everything it seemed.

The hand that had been tugging at my hair slid down slowly to my neck, caressing the skin as if it were a precious metal. I shuddered, wanting to feel more of his hands that were always hidden behind those leather cloves. What would it feel like to have his bare hands running over all of my body? To feel more than his bare hands touching me, burying into-

A sharp ring from the bell snapped the both of us back into reality. The other students would be walking past any minute now, and that realization made us jerk away from each other. I slid down to the floor and stared at him with wide eyes. Matt's eyes were hidden behind his goggles, but he managed a shaky smile before walking away quickly. And he's right; if anyone was to find us together now…shit I needed to get cleaned up. Forcing myself to my feet, I rushed to the nearest bathroom. Not even a second later, I heard the cacophony of the students rushing past. In a panic, I ran hot water over my hand, washing away all evidence of what I had just done. As the semen swirled down the drain, a thought occurred to me. It wasn't only what I had done; it was what we had done. Matt came after me, he held me, he kissed me.

Looking into the mirror I saw how shocked I looked. My pale lips were trembling and my eyes were glossy. Even a blush was painted across my cheeks. Licking my lips, I noticed how much I looked like a star-struck girl, a girl who had just received her first kiss. My heart fluttered as I realized that it was almost true. If only I was a girl and if only that was my first kiss.

to be continued...