Author's note- Wow, even more people reading this than before. This really makes me happy. Too bad I can't make this a series. There will be one more part to this story after this chapter-then I'm finally done. I just want to say; I have read the Twilight saga. Yes, I'm ashamed to say that I do know the stories, and I've wasted a week of my time reading through all four books. So-I know for a fact that this should, and deserves to be made fun of. When you waste your rime reading through a bland story where only the utterly predictable happens you deserve some sort of vengeance.
Also, this chapter is not as funny as the last two. It has a lot of Twilight attention too, so be careful when reading it. I also lied about my last chapter being the longest…this chapter is longer than ten pages, making it my longest yet, and I expect the next one to be longer!
Disclaimer- I wished I owned Harry Potter. Wouldn't that be freaking awesome…
Voldemort and Harry took the time to think out a plan as to how to approach this battle. Edward was, despite being sparkly and all, a vampire. Vampires are still pretty badass, and the last thing either of them wanted was to deal with him doing something that might actually be somewhat close to bad. Like…throw a punch…or a mean stare…something Edward like. This difficult thought process took a few days to think through. There were many strategies and spells that were out there, but only so many would work against a vampire. And even then, killing a vampire was a most difficult task.
But, it was around the noon on a Thursday, around this time both wizards realized something. The way to kill Edward...was to first kill Bella. But killing Bella was a very hard chore to do too, if not harder. Like Harry, Bella was a kill magnet…but everyone knows a kill magnet is practically immortal? Why? Because kill magnets always have something or someone to protect them. In this case, it would be Edward. So how to kill Edward in order to kill Bella in order to kill Edward…yes, this was a very difficult task to perform.
Until they remembered the commercial for the movie, in which case the task suddenly became a lot easier. Harry and Voldemort had never bothered with the books-but if they had, god forbid it; they would have realized that the main weakness of Bella and Edward Cullen was simple-themselves. If it weren't for the fact that the commercial showed Edward pushing Bella to safety-resulting in her crashing into furniture and breaking several bones and slicing her skin up even more, making the save look more like a overdone thrill kill-they probably would have taken a much more serious attempt to save the world from this evil.
But luckily they didn't.
"Avert your wand, Potter," Voldemort said as he now aimed his wand at Bella. The dim looking teen stared dimly at Voldemort with her dim expression, not all too sure what to do as, unlike Harry, she could simply not fend for herself. Bella was like a mentally disabled infant-she pretty much spelled out disaster…if she could only spell.
"Right," Harry said, aiming his wand at the young women as well.
Edward gasped/laughed at this action.
"You dare aim your weapons at my Bella," Edward questioned. He growled in anger/ spite/I have no idea and pulled his pants down just a bit-exposing more of his pale flesh. It appeared this action was, somehow, supposed to be of some sort of importance.
"Did you just…strip a bit," Harry asked reluctantly.
"What does it look like," Edward asked. He then posed himself so that the whole world may view his pale and perfect body. Harry, and Voldemort, along with the author, looked away in horrid disgust.
"I'm beginning to wonder whether or not we should even have our wands out," Voldemort muttered.
"I love you Edward," Bella said.
"I love you too," Edward said. He turned back to Harry and Voldemort and smirked/ smiled/ did the dirty. "You'll regret trying to hurt my precious Bells."
"Did you just call hers Bells," Harry asked in disgust.
"Who reads this crap," Voldemort said in a sickened tone. "I mean…really? Stripping down to your underwear? Calling your girlfriend ridiculous pet names? Whatever happened to Interview with a Vampire?"
"I believe it was taken down from the fanfiction world," Harry answered. "The rumor goes that Anne Rice disliked people using her characters."
"What's so funny," Harry asked.
"You," Edward said, "you really think that's the reason Interview, along with all of Anne's other stories, got taken down?"
Harry and Voldemort eyes widened.
"You didn't," Harry said, his head shaking in disbelief.
"Yes, Potter," Edward said, "because of its popularity, and it making actual sense in the many rules that vampire ought to follow (since a shiny vampire really makes no sense), I entered the world and destroyed it!"
"But," Harry said, "But…that's impossible-you…me…none of us even existed when that happened?!"
Edward laughed/cried- "space for rent" even more.
"You forget," Edward said, "I was once a wizard!" Edward then pulled a time turner from his pocket and let the two wizards view it. "How else would I be over a hundred years old?"
"You destroyed one of the most memorable vampire series," Harry said.
"And one that doesn't suck," Voldemort said, "I may not be a Rice fan, but this mortifies me to such a level---!"
"That's my Edward," Bella then said, her body magically appearing in front of Edward. She wrapped her arms around his half naked body, her face nuzzling his.
Harry took off his glasses. He was still too innocent to have to see something like that. Voldemort kept staring, as he had seen worse…but not much.
"Oh Bella," Edward said, "I love you so much…if only I weren't such a hideous monster…"
"Oh Edward," Bella said, "You have no idea how beautiful you are to me…without you I wouldn't know what to do. I mean…who knows what would have become of me if you were not in my life? I probably would have to have studied harder, graduating in honors or something stupid like that-go to and finish college- get a well respected job, make money and live a successful life…"
"And that would be bad," Harry asked. "Hell, I would kill for that!"
"Oh Bella," Edward said, casting a dreamy look to his female lover.
"Oh Bella," Bella said back to him.
"No, your Bella," Edward then corrected, "I'm Edward-you silly thing you…"
"Oh…," Bella said stupidly…no correction, in her normal tone which just so happened to be stupid, "Right…." Bella smiled at Edward. "Oh Edward."
"OH GOD," Voldemort said. He aimed his want to the sick and disgusting couple. He didn't care about the plan anymore; this was just way too much for the eyes. He would have to see an optometrist after this…
"Voldemort," Harry said, "the-"
But it was too late.
"Avada Kedavra," Voldemort yelled, his dark spell beaming out in a green ray at the two young lover…who were about to kiss.
Edward turned and stared at the flashing beam, his instincts telling him he needed to do something. He needed to protect his Bella Wella, banana fanana fo-fella! He thought in a split nano-second, his options numbered in a tidy list.
In order to protect Bella he could;
Simply take the blow, after all-he was a vampire.
Use his vampire speed to get out of the way, making the spell null and void.
Take a step to the left…since the spell was coming in at a straight line.
Do something stupid and Twilight like.
And as the spell was about to hit the two, Edward did the most heroic thing his dead, gray brain could possibly muster; he pushed Bella out of the way. Just like he had with his brother Jasper; he used his insane strength and grabbed Bella, resulting in bruised skin, and threw her across the room. Harry watched in awe, his mind changing on the whole "we need to work with a plan", and he watched Bella fly across the room in slow motion. He watched her fly across, hitting one of Dumbledore's cabinets as she crashed into it. She roughly fell to the floor, a ton of wizarding goods falling in her, resulting in her breaking her coccyx, spine, phalanges, ulna, carpel's, teeth, fibula, tibia, and some other bones as well. Her skull probably cracked as well, but it was impossible for her to get any dumber. She also had blood running down her skin…but Jasper was not here to kill her…so…well, yeah?
"That was remarkable," Harry said.
"Well," Voldemort said, I wasn't planning on that to happen. But…it works out either way, so I guess it is ok…"
"Ok," Harry said, turning to the dark lord, "it was blood brilliant!"
Voldemort smirked for a brief second, but then both wizards turned their gaze to Edward, who was now lying on the floor. He had gotten hit by the spell, but since he was dead and all, it only stunned him for a bit.
"Hah," Edward said weakly. He wobbled a bit and got up from the ground, his legs a little shaky from the spell. His clothes had, once again, magically been destroyed, and he was wearing his tattered pants that were conveniently cut…giving them the appearance of tattered shorts. "You thought you could rid of me and my Bella?"
"Yeah," Harry said in a very "as a matter of fact tone". "In fact, I like to think we're more than halfway there…"
"What," Edward said in confusion/ confusion.
Harry and Voldemort pointed to Bella, who was groaning loudly in pain and misery.
Edward paled to a color that was practically translucent. He quickly ran over, in slow motion, to Bella. He dropped down to his knees, causing several Twilight fan girls to squeal, as then picked up his poor lover.
He shook her violently as he tried to wake her up.
"Bella," Edward said, "wake up."
"Should we kill him now," Harry asked Voldemort.
"Not yet," Voldemort said his hand in front of the young wizard's chest. "I think we won't need to use our wands just yet…"
And he was right.
"Oh god," Edward said, "Oh god…Bella…you're hurt."
Bella groaned a bit more. "I'm okay…"
"No your not," Harry pointed out.
"This…this is all my fault," Edward said. "I should have known better!"
"No…it's not," Bella muttered weakly.
"Well actually," Voldemort said, "the very fact that he pushed you…kid of makes it his fault."
Bella turned to Voldemort, her eyes wide in shock. Really, she was surprised by this. Edward could never do such a thing, he was perfect!"
Edward got up and sighed. Tears ran down his perfect face.
"I…need to go," he muttered solemnly.
"Edward, don't leave me….again," Bella said.
Harry shook his head. It was like a soap. A really bad soap. Like….a Spanish soap.
Voldemort would have laughed.
"I need to get out of your life," Edward said, "don't you see…I'm a murderer! If my skin didn't say it enough….just look at you…!
The author, rather than insert another speech, decided top just skip to the point.
"Edward," Bella said. She, despite having a load of broken bones; got up and looked about the room-trying to find Edward who had seemingly disappeared from sight.
"He's gone," Voldemort said. He laughed manically at Bella.
"No he's not," Bella said. "He'll come back….I know he will!"
"I doubt it," Harry said. He turned to Voldemort. "Do you think we ought to do something about her?"
"Well," Voldemort said, "there's always complete destruction…"
"Yeah," Harry said, "or we could just send her home…I mean, it would be wrong to kill her…seeing that she's a single mother now…"
"And just barely an adult," Voldemort said, "She'll be the American's government problem now."
"Be quiet!" Bella yelled. "Edwards coming back! I know he'll come back! He would never leave me!"
"He did in New Moon…"
"He'll be back," Bella said. She sat down on the floor and grabbed hold of her legs, rocking back in forth. "I'll just have to wait…."
"You should go home," Harry said, shaking his head. "I mean, don't you have a little girl and all?"
Bella continued to rock about, ignoring Harry and Voldemort. The two wizards were a bit unsure of what to do? Kill her….and give the kid to an orphanage, one that was better than the one Voldemort went to, or juts wait it off.
The two went for the lather. They both found themselves a chair and a wizard magazine and waited. Worst came to worst, she would die of starvation and lack of bathing…
And so they sat…
Edward popped out of nowhere, only wearing a speedo with the colors of the Italian flag. He looked around the room and stared at the changes that had happened while he was gone.
Harry and Voldemort got up from their seat. Bella, who was covered in cobwebs, got up from her position. She smiled idiotically and had tears running down her eyes.
"I knew you would come back," she said.
"Well, what do you know," Harry said. He turned to Voldemort. "Do we kill the now?"
"Not yet," Voldemort said, "give it some time…"
"It's been months," Harry said.
"Don't worry, I have it all figured out."
Voldemort then pulled out his wand, the wand that was used to kill so many people, and he threw it on the floor. Harry was shocked. He watched the wand roll a bit, before finally stopping. The young wizard looked to Voldemort as if he were mad.
"What are you-?"
"Silence Potter, and watch," Voldemort said, pointing to the sickly romantic scene that was about to unfold.
"Oh Bella," Edward said, "I was wrong-I shouldn't have left you in the first place, I was so wrong-so very very wrong."
"I forgives you," she said playfully. (I did that on purpose)
"Really," Edward said, smiling just a little. He really was smiling…at least, it looked that way.
"I'll always love," Bella said.
"Oh Bella," Edward said. He opened his pasty arms. "Come here!"
Harry almost threw up as he viewed Edwards's practically nude body. By god, and he thought what he did to the horse was disturbing…
Bella laughed a bit…eww, and skipped over to Edward. Voldemort smirked and watched his plan fall into play. As far as he was concerned, there was no reason for him to waste any more spells on the two. It was a waste of time and productivity. If it were any other vampire, sure-but these guys? Heck no. and so, he smiled as he saw Bella run to Edward, not noticing his wand lying on the floor.
And she ran.
And she tripped over that wand…
And she fell to the floor, her nose crushing into her skull-resulting in a quick and instant kill, as her bones were broken into her skull and penetrating into the brain. Why, because the author read Ender's Game and figured it a justified death for someone like her. A torture death would have been to violent for this T rated story anyways.
And so, she was dead. So very dead. She was so dead that the author of the story would have cried tears of joy…if she had a soul. Like that….or as TeamFourStar would have put it; cadaverific.
Harry's jaw dropped.
Voldemort broke into laughter.
Edward…well, there was no real way he could be described at the moment. The vampire slowly walked over to the dead Bella and stood right next to the limp body. His arms, which were still out and open, then fell to his sides…
She was not going to be getting up anytime soon.
The vampire gritted his teeth, did a knuckle bite, gritted his teeth some more, and the turned to Harry.
"You…," he said finally, his face laced with tears of a murderer.
"Yeas," Harry said, his wand out and ready for attack. Voldemort know had his defense up as well. Edward looked pissed, which mean he was sure to do something right? Just because nothing happened in the fourth book didn't mean this fanfiction would end without a-
"I'm telling," Edward said suddenly.
"…Whhhhhaaaaa," Harry said.
"You heard me," Edward said, "I'm telling on you!"
"Uhm, is that supposed to be threatening," Harry asked.
"Just wait till Stephanie hears about this," Edward said, his pale finger pointing at the chosen wizard.
"Exactly as planned," Voldemort said with a smirk.
"What," Harry said, turning his attention to Voldemort now.
"She'll destroy you both," Edward said.
"I bet she will," Voldemort said sarcastically.
Edward was not very pleased with his reaction.
The vampire growled angrily/ sadly at the two.
"You will both pay," he said.
"Whatever," Voldemort said, "just send your sick master over here…"
"This isn't a game," Edward said.
Voldemort simply shrugged him off.
Edward looked down to Bella. He shook his head. Then he ran off, determined to tattle tale on the wizards.
Harry frowned. "He's going to send Stephanie on us…I hope your proud of yourself."
"Oh potter," Voldemort said. "You do realize that Bella will only come back to life as long as Stephanie lives?"
"What," Harry asked.
"As long as that woman lives…we'll never be free to try to defeat each other," Voldemort said. "After all-I have been killed by you many a time…and I still live. In order to kill cancer you need to remove the cause."
Harry nodded his head.
"I understand," Harry said. "So…we need to prepare ourselves for the battle to come?"
"Not exactly," Voldemort said, "we can only assume she'll send everyone to go after us…and, unfortunately, we do not stand a chance with just us two…"
"What will we do," Harry asked.
"Well," Voldemort said, "I normally wouldn't suggest this-but I suppose a visit is in order…"
"A visit," Harry asked the dark wizard.
"Yes," Voldemort said. Harry watched Voldemort strut over and kneel down. He saw the time turner in Voldemort hands.
"The time turner," Harry said.
"We'll need reinforcement," Voldemort said, "and if you want Dumbledore…"
"Dumbledore," Harry said ion shock. The wizard looked over to the calendar and gasped. There was no way Dumbledore was alive now!
"Do not worry," Voldemort said, "we have this device…we should be able to go back and save him…"
"Of course," Harry said.
"Come on Potter," Voldemort said, his hand out to the wizard in a very non-yaoi fashion. "We're off to go find our army!"
"Uhm-no-just our army," Voldemort said, "don't get too carried away…"
Meanwhile…in the past…
"You are so hot, you know that," the young tanned man said in a very romantic and lustful tone. He smiled, "you're the hottest thing I've ever seen…so attractive and mature…and yet so innocent…"
He placed a finger on the face of his romantic and blushed.
"What I wouldn't give to have you right now-"
"-Jacob," Quil said in a somewhat annoyed tone, "stop talking to that three month old and help us tie up the old man!"
Jacob groaned and got up from the theatre seat he was currently occupying. He placed the tiny baby….who he loved in a very inappropriate way, down and walked over to the group of shape shifters that were tying down Dumbledore. But, before doing said task, he turned and gave the baby a lustful and loving look…
"I'll be back," he whispered.
"Jacob!" Sam yelled, "Come on-we have to get this old geezer to conform or else that filthy vampire will angst all over us!"
"And you now how much we hate his angst," Quil said.
"Almost as bad as his stench," Embry said with a chuckle.
Jacob nodded his head and hurried over to the group of wolf people freaks. He stared down at the pathetic old wizard and smirked. He would show this old wizard who the superior story was…
Or his name was not Jacob Black!
Which it was…
To be continued!
Yeah, hopefully I'll have this done in one more part. The next chapter will be really long...as there will be an actaul battle-which would be ironic for all the Twilight characters. Jacob...yeah, there's gonna be a lot of bashing for him in the near future.
Lastly, I would really appreciate it if I recieved a review. I'm being a lot more strict with my stories right now, and a lot of them are on hold right now due to reviews. This story is currently not on a hold, since you all have been pretty fair with the submitting, but it would be cool if I got some more. I would really hate to put this story on a hold-especially since it is so close to completion. Also, if you do read my other stories and enjoy them, but do not review them...well, now is the wake up call of your lifetime. (check me profile for more info)