A/N: This is a stupid little piece of ridiculousness that was brought on after watching the 4+ hour extended edtion of RETURN OF THE KING tonight. It's complete and utter nonsense, but it was banging around in my head and wouldn't let me sleep until I got it down. Now, hopefully, with it gone, I can get some sleep!
Disclaimer: JKR's stuff, not mine.
"'Mione, can I ask you a question?"
Hermione looked up from the book she was reading and saw a concerned look on her husband's face. Ron's expression was one of concern, but also something else…confusion, perhaps?
"What is it, Ron?" she asked, placing a scrap of parchment in her book as a place-marker and closing it quietly, giving Ron her undivided attention.
"Are Frodo and Sam gay?"
Hermione's eyebrows shot up into her hairline. Of all the questions she had expected from Ron, that wasn't one of them. She looked over towards the television, where the extended version of "The Return of the King" was scrolling its end credits up the screen.
"No, of course not, Ron," she said, looking back at him, "Doesn't Samwise get married to a hobbit woman at the end of the movie?"
"Gay blokes can get married to women, Hermione," Ron replied matter-of-factly, "They do it to hide the fact that they're gay. They call 'em 'beards', I think…err…the women they call 'beards', cuz they're used to disguise the blokes' gayness."
"I believe the term is homosexuality, Ronald, not 'gayness'," Hermione said, her voice taking on a note of indignation at the borderline homophobic direction this conversation with Ron was heading, "How is it that you're so well-versed in what gay men do to hide what they truly are, anyway? Is there something you're trying to tell me?"
"What? No!" Ron exclaimed, eyes wide as he realized what Hermione was implying, "I heard that stuff from Charlie the last time he was in town. We were in Diagon Alley having a pint at the Leaky Cauldron when Malfoy and his new bride…what's-her-name…came in."
"Her name is Astoria," Hermione interjected, having never been able to resist the urge to correct Ron or impart some new bit of knowledge to him, "Astoria Greengrass. She was a Slytherin in Ginny's year, I believe."
"Right, so, Malfoy comes in with the new Mrs. Malfoy on his arm," Ron continued, refusing to break his stride despite his wife's interruption, "And Charlie makes the comment about how some gay blokes get married to women to cover up the fact that they're gay."
"Charlie said that about Malfoy?" Hermione asked, her eyebrows once again shooting up towards her hair.
"Yeah, why?" Ron asked, giving her a curious look.
"Maybe Malfoy really is gay then," Hermione said quietly, as if speaking to herself.
"What're you getting at?" Ron asked her, narrowing his eyes, "Are you implying that Charlie's --…"
"I'm not implying anything, Ron," she said, cutting him off, "What does any of this have to do with Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee?"
"Right," he nodded, remembering his original point, "So, I'm watching the movie, yeah? And it hits me: Frodo and Sam's quest to destroy the ring is a lot like us hunting down the Horcruxes. Frodo and Sam are like me and Harry."
"Ronald, if you tell me that I'm Gollum in your analogy, I swear to you, I will hex you!" she said in all seriousness, crossing her arms and glaring at her husband.
"No, love!" he said quickly, putting his hands up in front of him in a defensive gesture, "There isn't a version of you in the movie, but if there was, she'd be one of the gorgeous birds like that black-haired bird with the pointy ears…"
"Arwen," Hermione replied, supplying him with the name.
"Right, yeah, but she'd be tough, too, like that blonde bird that killed the Dementor-looking thing riding the dragon."
"Her name was Eowyn; she was the princess of Rohan," Hermione interjected again, "And that wasn't a Dementor; it was the Witch King of Angmar…leader of the Nazgul, or Ring-Wraiths…and it wasn't riding a dragon, it was riding a Fell Beast."
"Bloody Hell, Hermione," Ron said, shaking his head in complete awe of his wife, "How'd you know all that when you weren't even watching the movie?"
"Because I read the book, Ron," Hermione said, rolling her eyes.
"I should have known," he said, smiling cheekily at her. She blushed a little but smiled back.
"Anyway, Ron, you were saying about Frodo and Sam and you and Harry?" she sighed, wanting him to get to the point so she could get back to her book.
"Right, so Frodo and Sam are like Harry and me, cuz Harry had the mission to accomplish, like Frodo, and I was there to help along the way, no matter what," he continued and when he noticed an arch look from Hermione he quickly added, "And so were you."
"Right," she nodded, motioning for him to continue, "Go on."
"Okay, well, near the end, when Frodo and Sam have been rescued by the eagles," he went on, "Frodo wakes up in bed and when Sam comes into the room, they exchange a look."
"A look?" she said, deadpan, looking to him for more of an explanation.
"Yeah, a look," Ron said, nodding. His ears were turning red as he neared the point of all this, "It was like…well…it wasn't the sort of look you give your best mate when you've both been through a Hell of an ordeal and come out the other side alive."
"It wasn't?" Hermione asked, suddenly wishing she'd seen the look he was talking about instead of having her nose buried in her book the whole time, "What sort of look was it?"
"It was sort of the look you gave me when the war was finally over and we were free to get on with things between us. You know that look."
"And because of that look," she replied, "You think Frodo and Sam are gay?"
"Well, yeah," he nodded.
"Well, does it matter if they are?" she asked, "I mean, you enjoyed the movie, right? Does it matter what their sexual orientation is? They were still heroic, weren't they?"
"Well, yeah, of course they were," he replied, "That's not what I'm on about."
"Then what are you on about, Ron?!" she asked, completely exasperated by the conversation they were having, "Please get to the point!"
Ron ran his fingers through his hair nervously, looking down at his lap for a few moments before finally managing to look her in the eye again.
"It's just…you don't think Harry ever gave me one of those looks do you?"