Disclaimer : I don't own it. I also don't own 'Baby's Got Back'.
Note : I was chatting with Gixxer Pilot online when out of thin air this idea came to me. It was a totally random comment out of nowhere that inspired this hilarious, totally twisted fiction. Oh Primus! I was laughing at the mental images for hours! I have thoroughly ruined yet another music video for myself. -.-' LMAO!
OH! And for those of you who are 'Autobot Pranks' and 'Family Guy of Cybertron' readers, I am NOT done with that series. I have taken a week to try and work on other muses who have been begging for attention for ages, but I still have plenty of ideas going around.
My updates are sporadic because of my working here and there on different stories, and then having X-mas coming up (early shopping), and helping out on my grandfather's farm, and New Moon premier is out in town, and I have bills to pay, and internet problems, and muse issues, and multiple stories wanting to be written...
*Ravage-muse curls up contentedly* Yeah, yeah, you do that. Just wait, I'll find a way to make you write all this, and we'll see how content you are. *Glares*
Summary : One of the finest pranks ever takes place on a seemingly random day. One bot makes one of the biggest mistakes ever, angering one of the most dangerous creatures known to earth and thus incurring her wrath. Completely Random. One-shot. Complete.
The Lennox household was dark as the Topkick and Semi cab pulled up into the main drive. Dark, but not entirely silent. Soft sounds were coming from the master bedroom, where a quick scan revealed two elevated heat signatures.
'Are you certain we should disturb them?' Ironhide transformed as silently as possible, hearing another sound and scanning Annabelle's room, relaxing only when he had ascertained she was safe, and would remain that way. 'You do remember what happened the last time we awoke one of the femmes early?'
Shuddering a little, Optimus followed Ironhide's lead as they transformed and then crept silently over to the window. Pausing outside it, he frowned a moment and listened. 'I don't believe they are sleeping. There are curious sounds coming from within.' He listened a moment, curious as to the nature of the sounds, before shaking his head. 'Regardless, we have a mission. Ironhide, as Will is your charge, I leave informing him up to you.'
'Yeah right. You just don't wanna risk Sarah knowing you were part of this.' Rolling his optics he snickered quietly, before leaning away from the rather hostile look Prime shot him. Clearing his throat slightly, he sighed and slid open the window. "Will, we have to go!" He didn't shout, but he did elevate his voice so the people within would hear him with ease. "We've got a mission back at-oh sweet Primus! ...Are you sure that should go in there? It looks rather painful."
There was a loud scream from the room, as the embracing couple almost leapt apart, and the blonde pulled the blankets up over her nude torso. She looked around in a panic, her hazy mind slowly realizing the sound of the voice was not a threat, and then listening as her husband was informed and 'requested' for a mission. Slowly, her eyes began to narrow as she glanced towards the window, where a large pair of blue eyes were looking at her curiously.
Now this was normally a fierce woman on a day-to-day basis. Just one wrong word and she was ready to strip your lugnuts and rip out your spark plugs. On this occasion, she could easily count numerous huge mistakes the black mech currently standing outside her window had just made.
"Good evening, Sarah. I do apologize for the, erm, interruption." Optimus' curious and slightly embarrassed tone caught her ears as he, too, slowly filled the window.
Ok, make that two supposedly super advanced robots making really huge mistakes. Her eyes narrowed even more, and in the eerie light of the full moon, almost seemed to flash, even as she pulled the sheets tighter around her nude torso. It's late. Will just got home, and worst of all, they interrupted us. She growled lowly, almost silently, but wanted to smirk when both massive mechs instantly backed away from the window in alarm.
Her body hummed with tension, begging for release as she fisted the material in her hands. She watched her husband dash around the room, the moonlight echoing off the toned muscles of his strong naked body, as he grabbed a change of clothing, calling apologies and insisting he'd be right out.
How is he not the lease bit modest? Sarah found her eyes locked to his backside, which almost seemed to glow in the light. She found the tension in her body rising even more and flopped back into the bed, covering herself fully with the sheets as mortification began to set in.
"I still say that looked painful." Ironhide was heard hissing outside the window.
There was a sigh. "If it was, do you think Humans would keep doing it? Honestly, Ironhide."
Will groaned and let his head hit the bed with a thump, pausing with his pants halfway up his legs. He grumbled something into the sheets before finishing dressing, and crawling back up onto the bed, pulling she sheets down just enough to give his glaring wife a kiss. "I'm so sorry, honey."
"It's not you I'm going to remodel into a lawnmower." She offered back, mock sweetly, even as she grinned toothily.
With a slight smirk, Will nodded and leaned forward. "Whatever you're planning, I want in." He whispered, before pressing another kiss to her lips.
"You were in." She grumbled almost silently, causing them both to blush, and him to laugh. "And now you're out, and they're dead meat...err....metal."
Shaking his head, Will apologized again, and sighed as he moved towards the window. "I'll be back soon, and we'll finish this when I do get back."
Glancing out the window, Sarah was going to settle back down to bed, when Annabelle's crying reached her ears, and she sighed herself. Sitting up, she smirked suddenly as Will stood at the window. "Really?" At his nod, her smirk turned downright evil. "Well then, let me give you something to remember me." Standing up, she allowed the blanket to fall to the floor and shook her hair over her shoulders as she bent down to pick up the robe, giving him all the best views of her body as she went.
Standing up straight again, she immediately noticed his reaction as he stared blankly at her, a heat building in his eyes, before she closed the robe.
And not a second too soon.
Ironhide turned around and leaned in towards the window, tapping Will on the back. "Ready to go?"
With a nod, Will shook his head, and almost stumbled out the window, causing Sarah to giggle as Ironhide had to hastily catch him or he'd have fallen. Then, without a backward glance at Ironhide, she strode out of the room, her eyes flashing once again as her body protested the interrupted events of that night.
One thing kept repeating on her mind, even as she walked over and picked up Annabelle.
Those bots will pay!
(Two Days Later)
"You want my help with what?!" The low hiss was astonished and a little worried. "Do I dare ask? You do remember Ironhide's promise to blast us if we ever used them again, right?"
A narrowed set of hard blue eyes was the only answer.
"So... Do I at least get to know what they did?"
"Let's put it this way. Will just got back from his last mission. We were making good on our first night together, may even have been making another Annabelle for all I know, when Prime and Ironhide shows up and decides they need Will more than I do."
A confused look faded slowly into understanding, and a single shudder ran through the room. "Oh lord, that came out so wrong."
"Oh no. It came out exactly right. Whatever it was they wanted, it couldn't wait. In fact, they got the Full Monty because of it. They definitely saw a full moon last night, and I'm not talking the one in the sky."
Blinking, the dark blush and utterly horrified look was understandable. The slow, sly grin was expected, but the small cloth pouch containing several tiny chips was a surprise.
"I was saving them for just such an occasion. Bumblebee's already made it clear he doesn't understand human need for intimacy and privacy. Hasn't interrupted anything...yet, but I was being safe, just in case. Just make sure I get them back, or replacements, and that I get a videotaped copy of whatever the hell you're planning, and we're good."
Taking the pouch, a slow, evil grin formed. "Oh this is going to take the cake, for best prank ever. Prime and Ironhide will never risk messing with me again. All my idle threats will look like foreplay by the time I'm done with those nosy Autobots."
"Autobots and Foreplay. There were two words I really didn't need to hear in the same sentence." A low groan.
An even lower giggle. "Sorry, and thanks for these." Holding up the bag, a hug was exchanged. Now, for phase two of the plan.
"Listen, we both know that wasn't cool." Will's gaze shifted almost nervously around the hangar, and he caught sight of several of the Autobots milling around in boredom. "And I think this is the perfect way to get back at them."
"Oh damn! You just do not interrupt a man's business." Epps winced a little, before smirking. "But I got your message and got right to work. It's about half done." He then shuddered. "Although I can honestly say I'll never look at that mech the same way again."
A low snicker sounded. "Don't ask, don't tell."
"Oh, man, no!" Robert's jaw dropped and he gagged a little. "Dude, that was so wrong!" Shaking his head, he smacked Will on the arm. "Anyways, like I said I got it about half done. Give us a few more days and we'll be able to bring in our...um...'float'." He raised an eyebrow. "Although using a C17 wasn't really what I had in mind."
Another snicker. "Oh man, this is gonna be good! Ok, list." He pulled a tiny pad of paper from his pocket, checking one last time to make sure no one was looking. "Chips?"
"Plastic..." He snickered, and gave Robert a pleading look.
The Chief Master Sargeant chuckled and nodded. "Double check, though I'm not even gonna go into the questions I got in getting it."
Will choked on his laughter. "The spring?"
"It's installed already?"
"Yup, and set to the key word."
"Good. Float is check. Song is check." He looked over the list, then folded the notepad closed and looked up at Epps with a smirk. "That's more or less everything. Now...for the hard part."
(A Few Days Later)
"Do you have any idea why we were all called to the main runway?" Ironhide shot Prowl a look of confusion. "Prime didn't specify." He rubbed the back of his neck slightly, and frowned.
Shrugging a little, Prowl watched as Prime led the way out onto the runway, followed by a rather large, covered item. A quick scan told the bots whatever was underneath the large white cloth was made of heavy duty metal, and formed around a C17.
Once he was a good distance away, he walked around to the far side and began tugging the cloth off.
Down at Ironhide's feet, Sarah and Will exchanged a look, eyes flashing. Next to them, Mikeala and Epps were smirking knowingly, and Mikeala was holding a small camera, covered by her hands for the moment.
Once the item was uncovered, the mechs and femmes took a split second to figure out what it was, and began laughing. Ironhide laughed as well, although his optics flashed worriedly, and Prowl's jaw dropped.
"Is that...a super-sized version of...?" Sam looked to Mikeala with a disturbed look, almost sagging in relief when she nodded with a fairly shocked and disturbed look of her own. "You do realize that someone's gonna die, right?" She nodded again, and he nodded back.
As Prime once again walked around the front of the...err...float, he paused almost dramatically as music came on. Behind the Lennox's, Ironhide stiffened up, and slowly began walking towards the Prime.
Jazz, recognizing immediately what it was, stared in horrified shock, before stepping forward, clapping Bee on the back as he went. "Oh. My. Primus! Bee, look at his aft!" As he said it, Prime spun around, slowly swinging his hips back and forth to the music, and he choked severely, almost falling over. "It's just..." He began to laugh. "So big!"
Bee made a scoffing sound, his door wings trembling from the force of his holding back his laughter.
As Prime shook his booty, Ratchet began to laugh loudly. "Wow, I've never heard of an Autobot getting aft implants before." He almost doubled over laughing, along with everyone else, as their leader shook his aft, the large plastic cheeks swaying back and forth.
"Maybe because he didn't want you to butt in?" Mikeala added with her own laughter.
Sam nodded. "He was feeling cheeky."
Patting the doc's shoulders, Sideswipe shook his head slowly about it. "It's ok. He just knew you'd be anal about it." A snicker escaped him, and he was soon pressed firmly to the side of the shaking medibot, struggling not to fall over.
Jazz snickered again as Ironhide suddenly stopped halfway to his leader's position and spun around.
I like big bots and I cannot lie.
You other bots can't deny.
When a mech walks in with an itty bitty waist,
and a round thing in your face,
you get sprung!
Ironhide had began dancing, but at the word 'sprung' his crotch plating popped open, revealing the spring with the bell on the end, tinkling wildly as he danced, pointing occasionally to Prime, who was shaking his aft, his back to the troops.
Chromia's jaw dropped, and she literally collapsed into hysterical giggle fits.
"Wow, I can't believe they sprung this on us." Hound's head was tilted, and he chuckled as the rest of the audience started cackling wildly again.
Wanna pull out your tough,
'Cause you notice that aft was stuffed,
Deep in the jeans he's wearing.
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring.
As if to prove his point, Optimus bent over and began bouncing his aft back and forth, just as Ironhide looked. Taking a couple steps back, there was a slight pause as Ironhide suddenly yelped and went flying through the air. For the longest moment, everyone stood frozen, even as the music paused, until they realized the mech was now stuck to the side of the super-sized Prime-aft float, by his own aft.
The music then continued, and Ironhide allowed his legs to swing in the air as he continued singing, causing fresh peels of laughter to rain through the entire base.
Oh baby, I wanna get with ya
And take your picture.
My homebots try to warn me
But that aft you got makes me so horny.
He was swinging his legs as he went, causing the bell to jingle and swing as well. Pausing another second, he looked down, before crossing his arms over his chest with a huge grin and doing an irish jig to the tune, with his legs in mid air.
Not being able to take it anymore, Sarah's legs gave out as she leaned against Will, laughing hard at the image of Optimus Prime shaking his aft to the tunes, and Ironhide stuck to the side of the giant float of their leader's aft, singing along.
Prowl's head fizzled dangerously and shook on his shoulders, as if it was actually about to explode right off his shoulders, until one of the mechs smacked him on the back of the head. His optics twitched dangerously as he took in the scene before him, shaking a little, before turning and stalking off silently.
You say you wanna get in my benz?
Optimus was standing straight, but still shaking his aft to the tunes. It was an utterly ridiculous image, and Mikeala was sitting cross legged on the ground, trying to keep the camera as still as possible as she videotaped, laughing her ass off. "Youtube, here we come." She hissed with a smirk.
"Talk about shaking a tail feather." Sarah giggled, wrapped up securely in Will's arms, as they both curled up on the ground, laughing their afts off. Epps was unconscious nearby, a grin plastered to his face, even as a dangerously trembling Ratchet leaned over him, attempting to revive him.
Jolt wanted to help, but his laughter was messing around with his electric abilities, causing him to shock someone every time he laughed, and apparently he'd only serve to act like a defibrilator on the Sargeant.
Use me, use me,
'Cause you ain't that average groupie.
I've seen them dancin'
To hell with romancin'
He's sweat, wet
Got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette.
Sunny and Sides shuddered at the mention of the 'Vette' and looked down at themselves, before shuddering again. Everyone dissolved into more laughter, until Sarah and Will began slowly backing away, while exchanging a look.
You see, they'd noticed an incoming jet, flying lower than usual, and a few of the Autobots stiffening up. As Megatron dropped to the ground nearby and transformed, he paused. His crimson optics took in the sight of his brother shaking his aft, and Ironhide stuck to the side of a giant replica of Prime's aft, a spring sticking out from the crotch plating and singing, then shook his head.
His optics widened in horror, and he shuddered in disgust. "Oh Primus, I think I'm scarred for life! Fragging Autobots." Transforming once again, he flew off practically at the speed of light, shuddering as he went.
I'm tired of magazines
Sayin' flat afts are the thing.
Take the average black mech
And ask him that.
He gotta pack much back.
"Yeah!" Jazz, Sunny, Sides, and Jolt all yelled in sync.
Has your sparkmate got the aft?
Tell 'em shake it!
Shake that healthy aft!
Baby's got back!
Prime really began bouncing around, to the music, and the laughter increased. The younglings all began dancing around as well, laughing as they went, but for the most part the audience was enjoying watching Prime more than anything. Then Will tapped his wife on the shoulder.
"Time's up." He murmured, pointing at Prime.
It took Sarah a moment to see what he was pointing at, but taking in how Optimus' normally kind blue optics were flashing red, and his look had turned into something of a grimace, instead of a blissed grin, she took a step back. "Yeah, I'd say so." She took another step back, as a low snarl escaped Prime's lips, just barely hearing it over Ironhide's singing.
Grabbing his wife's hand, Will began running for his life, praying to all that was holy they'd make it off base, or at least to the underground bunker, before the chips failed and the two deranged mechs came after them.
Note : Ironhide was singing 'mech' and 'he' because it was Prime dancing, and I didn't feel right saying 'she' with mech-Prime in the background. That's all. LMAO!
P.S. I know this is a prank, but considering how long the fic is getting, and the fact this one is so awesome (I don't mean to toot my own horn), I thought it deserved being a whole fic on it's own. XD
Hope you like it