The word "Kinder" comes from the word "Kindergarten". It means "Kids". I have no idea on whether the word "Kinder" is a word or not, but my dad uses it a lot and I find it slightly amusing.
I love how Caius' is always seen as senselessly violent and angry.
I decided to combine kids and Caius.
And WHAM this story was born.
The Day Caius Taught a Kindergarten Class
I hate children.
I hate teaching.
I hate everything.
I just hate it.
Then why in the name of arse am I stood here now in front of a class of kinders all staring at me with wide eyes?
Because someone *cough* ARO *cough* thought that it would help my temper problems.
"What temper problems? I asked him. He laughed and spoke like he was dealing with a spoilt child.
"You have issues my dear. You do, for example, yell and slap people a lot."
"Issues my arse."
Aro, however, was not finished. "Teaching a few children for a day will definitely calm you down and make you think twice before lashing out at innocent people."
And that was that. I would have argued further and slapped him but that would have done nothing for my act of defence. So instead I settled for glaring at him, stamping my foot and storming off.
Aro knows full well that I bloody hate kids.
I threw a strop when Aro cheerfully told me that some teacher was off sick at a local kindergarten, and that he had told them I was a subsitute teacher (false) with brilliant qualifications (false) and that I would be more than happy to stand in (FALSE), but Aro just rolled his eyes at me and tutted for a bit before skipping off to tell everyone else the "happy" news. And when I say skipped, I mean skipped. Literally.
And before I knew it I was stood in front of a class of kinders all staring at me. I felt like eating them but luckily I remembered that I was full. So I cleared my throat to speak.
"Mister, why do you have fwunny hair?" One of the older kids (four years old) said. The surrounding kinders blinked and one gurgled and laughed.
"Why not?" Was my reply, said through clenched teeth. I'd only been here for a few minutes and already I had reached my limits.
"Cos' it wooks fwunny."
"What's your name?"
"Roberto, he cwan't sway his nwame pwoperly." A fellow kinder said.
"Bee-hee-hee-hoo-hoo-ha." 'Roberto' laughed stupidly and I glared at him.
"Cwan we do sometwing?" Another kinder spoke.
"Cwan we pway with bwilding bwocks?"
"Bwilding bwocks?" I asked.
"Nwo. We want to pway with NODDY!" Roberto said
"You shouldn't be thinking such rude thoughts at such a young age..."
What in the name of arse is Noddy? Is it a person? An animal? How am I supposed to know these things? Kids these days, they are all obsessed with these things called "toys". In my day it was all bricks and sticks (mostly bricks, I threw them at Aro when I got pissed. It was a good calming method). But OH no. Kids don't like sticks because they eat them and shove them up their noses e.t.c. and apparantly bricks are hazardous. I don't know why, but that is society for you.
Instead of allowing this thing called 'Noddy' to be played with, I grabbed a box that said "Building Blocks" on it and placed it in the center of the kinder congregation. They all started gurgling and laughing and one jumped on my back.
"OH FU...FUDGE!" I cried out. I was going to say something much ruder but I remember just in the nick of time that kinders have impressionable minds and I wouldn't hear the end of it from Aro.
"I WOVE FUDGE!" The kid on my back yelled.
"WE WANT FWUDGE!"
Oh BRILLIANT. I had officially set the kids off into yelling 'Fudge'. Sadly they found it amusing and threw the blocks out of the window. Not literally, or I would have given them something else to amuse themselves with - my fist.
So yes, the kinders found the word "Fudge" so amusing they decided to make a 'Fudge' song. And they even started dancing around and slapping their backsides.
Unfortunately the kid on my back decided to join in and started pulling my hair. I scowled and got knocked over by another wild kinder. This was ridiculous. It was supposed to be a bloody calming experience, how in the world can anybody stay calm throught this God-damn chaos?!
Before I knew it I was on the floor with kinders running riot all around me, pulling my hair and so forth. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Roberto pull this boy's pants down. He started crying and shuffled round with his pants round his ankles. Felix wouldn't be out of place here then.
Whilst I was laughing at my inner joke the kid on my back (well, he was now on the floor) grabbed a cupcake out of what seemed like nowhere and threw it at my face.
That was it.
That took the final straw out of the hay bale.
It also took the final biscuit out of the biscuit tin.
It also crossed the official line of life.
I fucking hate children.
I picked the 'Ooh-I-think-I'll-just-throw-a-cupcake-at-Caius' kid up and put him on what was supposedly the 'Naughty' chair. He screamed and kicked, but I just ignored him. I was yelling at him.
"YOU DO NOT THROW ITEMS OF FOOD AT PEOPLE. IT IS NOT BIG AND IT IS NOT CLEVER. IT IS BLOODY UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR. YOU CAN STOP KICKING FOR A START MATE, BECAUSE I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!"
He was having a full on tantrum by this point, and I was bloody sick of it.
"SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
At which point the whole room fell silent and all the kinders looked at the door.
Stood in the doorway was some woman with glasses on. She was overweight, to say the least. She shook her head and tutted. Then she looked at me.
"Ah! Caius! You are the substitute for me?"
"I don't know. Who the hell are you?"
"The permanant teacher for this class. I felt a bit better this morning so I thought I'd pop into work to see how you were coping..."
"Oh well that's nice."
"...and it appears you are not coping well?"
"Yes it appears that way. This monster threw a cupcake at me."
"Oh dear oh dear oh dear. Richard, that is not acceptable behaviour..."
"Look. Are you here for the rest of the day? If so, I'm off. Never in my years of experience of working with kids have I had to teach a class as wild as this." I made the last bit up (obviously).
She went pink. "Oh I'm... well... if that's the case..."
"Too right. I'm off."
And with that I grabbed my coat and took off home.
Halfway home, after a few weird looks from random strays in the street, I realised that I still had a cupcake on my face. I grabbed it and threw it at the floor.
When I got home I marched straight to Aro's study and slapped him.
"CALMING EXPERIENCE MY ARSE."
"It is in fact a very soothing experience..."
"BULLSHIT! I'VE NEVER BEEN SO BLOODY STRESSED IN ALL OF MY LIFE!"
"There have been quite a few stressy episodes to choose from my dear Caius... it was really that bad?"
"YES. Have you ever been attacked by a bunch of retarded children, had a cupcake thrown at you, been picked on for your hair and to top it all off, be bombarded by cries of 'WE WANT NODDY'?"
"That's what I thought."
And with that I skulked off to sulk and to try and get the bloody cupcake mess out of my hair. It stunk to the high heavens.
I've said it before and I will say it again.
I hate children.