AN/ Hi all. Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, I am currently working on the next chapter and hopefully should have it done within the next week.
A big thank you to my girls, dtav, for being the best preread a girl could have and Ealasaid77 for working her fantastic magic when gramma isn't my friend :) Love you girls.
This outtake is for SarahAH30, who just so happens to have a birthday today, :) A few weeks back, I asked her what she would like me to write for her bday. She asked for something simple and something I am sure most of you have wondered yourselfs. The night Jasper left Edward.
So a big Happy Birthday to SarahAH30.
My stomach twisted and turned with turmoil. This would be our last night together, and he didn't even know it. I had tried, believe me. I had tried so hard to tell him, to let him know where I was going and that we couldn't continue this, but I couldn't do it. Every time I went to tell him, my selfish side kicked in and I was done for.
If I told him, I knew what he would say and I knew what he would try and do. He would tell me they didn't need to know, that he could be my secret, my dirty little secret. That was something I really didn't want. We hadn't hid our love in high school, we hadn't hid it from our friends or family, I certainly wasn't about to hide it from the Army either.
The other option I had come up with, aside from telling him, would be if he would want to stay in touch, remain friends and see where everything lies when I came out. Again, I didn't want that. There was no way I could handle hearing him tell me about some guy he had met. So the only thing I could do was leave and try and forget about him, about us, about everything.
Not the bravest thing in the world, I know, but I didn't know what else to do. The career I wanted vs. the man I wanted, it was a hard decision to make.
Hearing the front door open and his footsteps walking through the hallway, I pushed my morbid thoughts away and smiled at the most beautiful man in the world as he came into view.
"Hey, babe, no parents?" Edward asked as he rested his elbows on the breakfast bar.
"Nope, I'm home alone until about eleven tonight." Edward grinned at me. A mischievous glint was flickering in his eyes as he moved around the breakfast bar towards me. "I like the sound of that," he murmured before his lips found mine.
Feeling his wet, warm tongue part my lips, I couldn't help but moan. His tongue moved slowly against mine. My hands weaved through his hair, pulling him closer to me. My hips rocked against his, feeling him begin to harden against me. Right now I was thankful that my parents had agreed to let me have this one night with Edward. Well, these few hours alone together before I left.
"Jasper," Edward panted breathlessly as my lips trailed down his neck.
Turning us around, I pushed Edward against the breakfast bar making him sit on the stool. Biting and nipping at his neck, I wasn't gentle. I wanted to leave marks, to leave my claim on him, so he wouldn't forget me and so he knew I loved him. And I did, more than anything in the world. Yeah, we were young, kids still really, but I knew how I felt. I knew who I wanted, and Edward was it.
My hands played with the hem of his T-Shirt, letting my fingers touch his skin every now and then, teasing him relentlessly.
"Stop... teasing me," he moaned out as I nipped at his Adam's apple. "You enjoy teasing me, don't you?"
Chuckling, I murmured against his neck, "More than you know, babe." He groaned out loudly, throwing his head back and exposing the full length of his neck to me.
Taking full advantage of this, I continued my attack. Nipping, biting, sucking, kissing every inch of his neck. My hands ran underneath his Tee and up his back. Trailing kisses across his jaw, I dragged my nails hard down his back causing him to arch his back. My lips crashed hard against his forcing my tongue into his mouth. I wanted him to feel me, to feel how much I loved him, how crazy I was for him and how sorry I was.
Grabbing the hem of his Tee, I pulled it up and off his head. Stopping for a minute, I looked at him. God, he was gorgeous. His pale skin covered his muscles. His stomach was so tight and toned. My hands ran up his hard, muscular thighs and to the waistband of his jeans. Edward's stomach was heaving as he panted in anticipation of what was to come.
Looking up at his face, I saw his cheeks were already flushed, and his green eyes dark with lust. Winking at him, I stepped in between his legs and began trailing kisses down his chest. Working my way towards his right nipple, I lavished it with my mouth. Sucking it into my mouth first, my tongue flicked against it before biting down on it hard. Edward's hands darted into my hair as he moaned out.
His back arched closer to me, and my hands went around the hard planes of his back pulling him closer to me. His skin, so smooth and silky, was damp with sweat. The feeling of his skin underneath my fingertips turned me on even more.
How can I leave you?
My heart contracted at the thought that this was our last time together. I prayed to every God known to man to keep him safe, to let him find love again and for him to get over me.
Please hate me. It will be better this way.
My lips trailed across his chest to his other nipple, where I repeated the same actions, sucking, licking and biting. Edward's pants and moans continued to fill the kitchen, along with his pleas. I knew what he wanted, I wanted it to, but I had to drag this out. He had to feel my love for him and not just us fucking.
Hooking my hands underneath his ass, I lifted him up and placed him on the breakfast bar. My lips met his, as I began to undo the belt on his jeans. Edward chuckled against my lips as my fingers grazed past his ticklish spot on his right side. His hands wrapped around my neck, as our lips and tongues moved slowly against one another's. Popping the button and slowly pulling down the zip of his pants, Edward pulled back from my lips and moaned.
"Hands on the breakfast bar, babe, and lift up." Doing as I said, he lifted himself up allowing me to pull down the offending item of clothing that was covering what I wanted.
"You're gonna fuck me on your parent's breakfast bar?" Edward asked as his jeans and trainers hit the floor.
"No, I gonna suck you on it." Pushing his shoulder's back, I encouraged him to lie back on the bar giving me better access to him.
My eyes ran down his body seeing the slight flush to his pale skin on his chest. His chest was heaving as he started breathing hard. My fingers lightly touched his stomach, running down his abs. To my delight, I saw his skin break out in goosebumps as a shiver runs through him. I love you so much.
Wasting no more time, my mouth descended on his stomach, kissing the lines and dips of his abs that he had worked hard to achieve. My tongue trailed to his belly button, where it dipped inside before following the short bronze hair that led to my prize.
My mouth ghosted over his hard cock. Edward moaned and bucked his hips trying to seek more friction.
"Jazz... please," he pleaded with me. My mouth and nose continued to ghost over his cock teasing him, tormenting him.
I breathed in his musky scent that was just pure Edward. His scent went straight to my cock, making it throb painfully hard in my jeans.
His droplets of pre-cum gathered at the head and dripped onto his stomach. My tongue ran across his stomach sweeping up the droplets and lightly touching his head. Edward groaned out and bucked his hips hoping for me to take the hint and take him in my mouth. Not wanting to give in to him just yet, I ran my hands down his thighs to his knees.
Starting from his right knee, I kissed, licked and sucked my way up his strong thigh until I reached his hip bone. Sinking my teeth into his hip almost painfully hard, Edward cried out. I knew I was marking him, I had no right to mark him and claim him the way I was. Come the morning I wouldn't be around, but I couldn't help myself.
Going to his left knee, I continued the same path, kissing, licking and sucking on his skin. My hand ghosted over his cock touching him ever so slightly. Edward's breathing was hard and coming out in pants. His body twitched and contracted with the touches I was giving him. I knew he was getting close to his release, and that when I finally took him in my mouth he would be over the edge in minutes. This made me smile, the thought that I knew his body so well, knew every sensitive spot he had and I knew just where to pay attention to have him on his knees begging me for release.
Someone else will find them, make him feel the way I can. That thought stabbed me through my chest. The thought of another man loving him, making him writhe and cry in ecstasy, caused a burning of jealously to rip through my soul.
Gripping his hips with my hands, I finally caved. Slowly my tongue licked his balls. My tongue pressed against them before I took one in my mouth and sucked on it gently. Edward's cries of pleasure filled the room as I slowly licked my way from base to tip. My tongue swirled around his swollen, sensitive head, collecting the droplets of his nectar. Humming against his head, my tongue danced and played around his slit, teasing him even more, pushing him closer to his release.
Tonight was all about him. These last few hours we had together, I wanted to make sure he got off more than once, and every time was more powerful than the last. This was my parting gift to the man I loved.
Finally, I sucked his head into my mouth causing him to cry out. Slowly, my lips travelled down his shaft taking every wonderful inch of him. His head hit the back of my throat before I slowly withdrew. Carefully, I grazed my teeth along his hardened steel until I reached his head. Sucking across the tip, I released him with a pop before taking him back in my mouth. My tongue pushed against and wrapped around the underside of his cock as I took him all way in. The feel of him twitching and throbbing against my tongue made me moan around him. Edward's hips bucked, causing him to hit the back of my throat and slip down. Swallowing around him, I hummed and the vibrations around his cock made Edward cry out a long line of incoherent thoughts. Bringing my head back up, I began to bob up and down on him changing my pace between fast and slow. Edward's hips began to thrust upwards as he neared his release. Bringing my hand to his balls, I felt them begin to tighten. A little tug on his balls and his cock pulsated in my mouth.
"Jasper! Fuck!" he cried out at the top his lungs as he came hard in my mouth. Greedily, I drank everything he gave wanting to savour his taste forevermore.
Giving him one last lick, I released him from my mouth and stood up. Looking down at Edward, my heart filled with love. His cheeks were flushed a beautiful shade of pink along with the top of his chest. Edward, post orgasm, was one my favourite things to see.
"Jesus, Jazz. I am never going to be able to look at this breakfast bar again." I smiled despite the pain I was feeling at his words.
Edward sat back up and smiled. Wrapping his arms around me, our lips met gently. Edward's tongue plunged into my mouth caressing his tongue with mine. He moaned, tasting himself on my tongue as he began to tug at my shirt.
"Come upstairs," I murmured against his lips. Pulling back, Edward jumped off the breakfast bar and grabbed his jeans. Going to pull them back on, I stopped him. "No need, they'll be coming off again once upstairs." With a wink, I took his hand and led him through the house.
Taking him through the living room, I hoped that he wouldn't notice the items that were missing. I had been pretty sneaky and made sure I had hid any traces of us leaving. The last thing I wanted to do was explain everything. It was bad enough that I was going without him knowing, having to explain everything and see the hurt in his eyes would just kill me.
Reaching my bedroom door, I pulled a naked Edward inside and pushed him down on my bed. Pulling my Tee off over my head, I slowly crawled up his body lavishing him with my love. Every inch of his skin I crossed I kissed until I reached his neck. Running my tongue up his neck to his jaw, I nibbled my way from ear to ear feeling the slight tickle of stubble.
"What's got into you?" Edward moaned out as I nibbled on his earlobe.
"Nothing, I just want to love you, that's all." Looking at him, his green eyes sparkled with love. It took everything I had not to break down and confess to it all.
Running my fingers down the side of his face, I slowly leaned forward and brushed my lips to his, just once. "I love you so much, Edward." My voice broke slightly, betraying me as my emotions took hold.
Edward smiled and covered my hand with his. "I love you, too. Are you okay, babe?" Sucking in a deep breath to calm myself, I nodded.
"Why wouldn't I be okay? I have you naked on my bed," I cheekily replied before crashing my lips to his.
My hands ran down his sides as our kiss became more heated. Lips, teeth and tongues nipped at one another's hard; no doubt our lips will be swollen tomorrow morning from our activities.
Sliding my hand in between our bodies, it ghosted his cock which was being to harden again. Wrapping my hand around it, I slowly began to stroke him making him moan into our kiss. Parting my lips from his, I sat up and moved toward my bedside table. Opening the drawer, I pulled out a bottle of lube and a condom. Positioning myself in between his legs, I leaned forward and kissed his now hard cock.
Edward moaned and went to sit up, but I pushed him back down on the bed. Confusion crossed his beautiful face as he wondered why I was stopping him from doing anything for me.
"This is just about you, my love." Clicking open the bottle of lube, I nudged his legs further part.
Coating my fingers with lube, I slowly ran them towards his tight hole of heat. Nestling myself closer to him, I slowly began to kiss up his hardened shaft as my fingers teased around his hole. Edward moaned, taking in shaky breaths as his hips began to push down. He was hoping the move would get me to fuck him with my fingers. Working my way up his cock, I kissed around the underside of his head and flicked my tongue against the ridge.
Carefully, I pushed my finger against his hole, but not hard enough to break through his ring of muscles. Edward cried out as I continued to push against his hole, teasing him and torturing him a little more. Trailing my lips down his cock, I kissed it lovingly until I reached his balls. Sucking them into my mouth, my tongue pushed and rolled them around as I finally pushed a finger into his tight hole.
"Jesus! Jazz, please stop teasing me!" he cried out in pleasure as my slow attack continued.
Releasing his balls from my mouth, I licked my way back up his shaft and sucked his head into my mouth. Slowly taking him all the down my throat and back up again, I began to thrust my finger in and out of his hole feeling him beginning to relax. Pulling my finger nearly all the way out and pushing it back in, I brought my lips back up to the head of his cock.
My actions continued painfully slow. Edward was writhing and squirming underneath me. His hips were frantically trying to push down on me and get me to quicken my pace, but I didn't want this. I wanted him to come to the edge slowly before I increased my pace. I wanted him to feel my love for him as I worshiped every inch of him.
"Feels... so good," Edward panted breathlessly as I added another finger into his tight hole.
Thrusting my fingers slowly in and out of him, I bobbed my head up and down on his cock a little quicker earning a loud cry of pleasure. Hallowing my cheeks, I created a tight seal around him as his body responded to my touch. Edward bucked his hips frantically as my fingers swept across his sweet spot.
Pushing a third finger into him, Edward's body tightened up around me. Stilling my fingers, I deep throated him quick and hard encouraging his body to relax. Soon enough, Edward began to push his hips down against my fingers as my movements around his cock began to slow down.
Curling my fingers slightly, I began to thrust them in and out of his heavenly hole. Hitting his sweet spot, I started to massage it hearing him cry my name out. Releasing him from my mouth, my fingers continued to fuck him hard and fast each stroke hitting his sweet spot and pushing him closer to the edge.
"Jasper... Please, just fuck me!" he cried out as I smiled at him. A light sheen of sweat covered his face and chest. Once again his face was flushed with excitement as my fingers continued to fuck him relentlessly. "I'm so close, Jazz, please."
"Not yet. Cum for me, babe. Scream my name as my fingers fuck your ass." Edward groaned out, his fingers fisting the bedding. "Cum for me, let me taste you again. I want you to cum in my mouth, babe, before I fuck you." Taking him back in my mouth, my efforts doubled.
Bobbing my head up and down, hard and fast, while my fingers fucked his ass hitting his sweet spot with every thrust. Edward's thighs began to tremble. Knowing he was so close to his release, I grazed my teeth up and down his cock pushing him over the edge.
Gripping the sheets and arching his back off the bed, Edward cried my name out as he came. His body trembled and shook as his orgasm washed over him. Streams of his sweet nectar shot down my throat once more as he rode out his orgasm. Slowly bobbing my head up and down his now softening cock, I pulled my fingers out of him and released him from my mouth.
Climbing off the bed, I quickly undid my jeans and kicked them off. The cool air hit my aching cock made me hiss in pleasure. Looking down at Edward, I saw his hooded, love filled eyes looking at me hungrily.
"Ready to be fucked, babe?" Edward groaned and nodded his head at me.
Climbing back on the bed, I nestled myself back in between his legs and tore the condom wrapper open with my teeth. Rolling it down my aching cock, Edward sat up slightly to look at me. Popping the lid on the lube, I poured it on my cock making him moan. Stroking myself a few times, I moaned out knowing I wouldn't last long this time.
Picking his legs up, I wrapped his thighs around my waist as I positioned myself against him. Pushing forward slightly, I broke past his tight muscle. Feeling his tight heat slowly engulfing me as I pushed in, almost made me cum there and then.
"You're so fucking tight, babe," I moaned as I became fully seated inside of him. "I love you." Leaning forward, I captured his lips with mine before he saw the tears forming in my eyes.
Slowly I began to move, thrusting gently into him, long, slow, measured thrusts into the man I loved. I poured my feelings into him, what he meant to me, how much I needed him and how he held my heart. He would never forgive me for this, never.
Edward began to meet my slow thrusts as we kissed. Our kiss was passion and loved filled. No urgency, no dominating presence in the kiss, just our love. The kiss was slow, much like my thrusts into him. I didn't want to rush this. Time was not on my side anymore, and I wanted to have the chance afterwards to hold him in my arms before he went home.
Our moans filled the room as my thrusts picked up their pace. Edward's cock, now rock hard again, was trapped between our sweating bodies rubbing against both our stomachs as we moved. The tightening in my stomach slowly started to build and, even though I didn't want this moment to end, I knew I couldn't hold it off much longer.
His tight heat, wrapped so deliciously around me as I thrust in and out of him, was heaven. Lifting myself onto my hands giving me more control, I slammed into him harder. Edward cried out as I hit his sweet spot again. My thrusts started to become more erratic and less controlled as Edward began to moan, lost in his own pleasure.
His lust filled, hooded eyes were locked onto mine. His fingers gripped at my forearms as my thrusts became harder and harder. Edward tightened his grip around my waist and lifted his hips off the bed. The new angle allowed me to go deeper into him making sure I hit his sweet spot with every thrust.
"Touch yourself, babe," I moaned out, wanting him to find his release once more.
With no hesitation, Edward wrapped his hand around his cock stroking it in time with my fast, hard thrusts. Seeing him stroke himself in time with my thrusts, with his head pushed back against the pillow, with his eyes shut completely lost in pleasure, almost became too much for me.
You're never going to see him like this again.
Closing my eyes, I tried to push the thoughts away that continuously ripped at my heart.
Edward suddenly cried out loudly shooting his cum all over his hand and stomach. His muscles clamped down around me as my thrusts became frantic, throwing me over the edge. Throwing my head back, I screamed his name out at the top of my lungs. The blissful, pure, magnificent waves of my euphoric high continued to crash through me. Collapsing on top of him, I felt his arms wrap tightly around me.
"Wow, Jazz. I'm not complaining, but where did this just come from?" He knows, he's not stupid. He knows something is off with me.
Lifting my head up off his chest, I kiss his lips softly before saying, "I just wanted to love you, that's all, babe. Wanted to blow your mind." I smirked.
"You sure did that." He smiles, seemingly happy with his answer.
Pulling out of him, I dash off to the bathroom to clean up and dispose of the condom. Walking back into the room with a warm washcloth, I go to clean him, but he takes it off me.
"Get me a drink, babe, please?" he asked with a lazily smile.
"Sure, anything for you." Pulling up a pair of sweatpants, I open my bedroom door and dash down the stairs.
Checking the clock in the kitchen, I realise I have just over an hour until my parents will be home. It's not like he will have to leave once they get here, but I know they still have things to pack just like me, and Edward can't be here for that.
Grabbing a can of Coke out the fridge, I race back upstairs to see Edward dozing on my bed. His boxers were back on and sitting low on his hips. I could see the marks I had given him throughout our time together. Part of me was happy to see the marks, to know he wouldn't forget me so soon, but then the other part of me hated seeing them.
"Jazz?" Edward asked, his voice all sleepy. He looked at me questioningly and I knew I had been caught staring at him. "You okay?" The doubt in his voice had returned once more. How much longer could I go until I cracked up and told him?
Smiling, I hand him his Coke and slide onto my bed next to him. "I was just looking at your marks. Your mum will kill me if she see's them," I joked as he popped the can open and took a long drink.
"Luckily, she won't." He handed me the can and rested his head on my chest. "Things are gonna be a little crazy, aren't they?"
"Yeah, but we'll be okay. Nothing will change between us. It's all part of growing up." My arms wrapped around him as I reassured him with false promises. He sighed and kissed my chest.
"Love you," he mumbled against my chest. I squeezed him tighter to me and kissed the top of his head.
"Love you too, babe."
Within minutes Edward's soft snores fill my room. The urge to sleep nips at my edges, but I know I can't. I need to remember him being in my arms, peacefully asleep and feeling loved. Fighting the need for sleep, I lightly trailed my fingertips up and down his back hearing him sigh.
So badly I wish it wasn't like this, that we could be together, but the risk was too great. This was something I wanted, a career I wanted to do and having Edward in my life wouldn't fit. Being with a man in the army would only cause trouble, and I didn't fancy having my ass handed to me because I liked men as well as women. If I went to war, I needed to know the guys I was with would have my back and not think the fag can fucking die.
What a truly fucked up world we live in. So much had changed yet, at the same time, so many things remained the same. Gays could be out and about and not be at the risk of getting their heads kicked in like before, yet gays could not join the army without trouble landing at their door. My decision to leave Edward was a hard one to make. I loved him, I didn't want to be without him, yet I couldn't stay in a relationship and not have my career. I was far too young to choose love over work.
The sun began to set and the light, dusky air layered my room. Hearing my parents car pull onto the drive, I slowly woke my sleeping beauty. Running my hands through his soft hair, I willed myself not to cry over knowing this was the last time I would have him like this.
"Edward? Babe? Wake up," I whispered in his ear. He groaned and snuggled into me even more. "Babe? Come on, my parents are back.
Edward slowly lifted his head up, and looked at me. His eyes were still half closed and he was looking at me slightly confused. I chuckled softly at him and touched his face. Smiling at me, he turned his face into my palm and placed a loving kiss there.
"I don't want to leave you. Wish I could sleep on you every night." My eyes closed with a smile on my lips, but the pain of his words hit hard.
"Me too, babe." Gently pulling him towards me, I kissed his lips just once before pulling back. "You'd better put your clothes back on." Edward chuckled at me, and nodded.
I watched him slowly slide off the bed, and pull his jeans and Tee back on. Rubbing his face before he stretched, he turned to look at me with a lazy smile on his lips. "I feel bad for falling asleep on you."
"I wore you out, babe. Come on." Holding my hand out to him, he lightly linked his fingers through mine. His skin on mine warmed me throughout, I didn't want to let go of his hand, I didn't want to let go of him at all.
Walking down the stairs, the pull on my heart returned knowing in a few moments time my heart would completely shatter over him and he had no idea. Reaching the bottom of the stairs, I saw my mum had moved his trainers placing them at the front door. This, I was thankful for, as I didn't think I could handle walking with Edward through the living room with my parents there. Feeling Edward tug my hand, I released the death grip I had placed on him and let him pull his trainers on.
Keep it together, Jasper. A few more minutes, don't break now. I chanted in my head.
"I'll see you tomorrow, babe." Nodding in response to him, he grabbed the door handle and opened the door. Turning, he placed a small loving kiss on my lips and stepped outside. This was our normal goodbye, a small kiss and that was it. But, I couldn't do it this time. Watching him walk down the driveway, I chased after him.
"Eddie, wait." Grabbing him by the arm, I spun him around to face me. Crushing my lips hard to his, I forced my tongue into his mouth.
My hands worked their way through his hair and down his back before resting on his ass. Squeezing it in my hands, I pulled his body even closer to mine. My love for him poured into the kiss. The kiss was demanding, dominate, full of my hopes and prayers for him. Not wanting to end the kiss when Edward pulled back, I trailed my lips across his jaw working my way from ear to ear before returning to his lips. As our lips moved perfectly together, I felt my eyes sting once again with tears. My heart was breaking over him. How could I let him go?
"Jazz... Jesus, we're outside your parent's house." He chuckled resting his hands on my hips. "You sure you're okay?"
"Yes. I just love you, that's all. I don't want you to forget." Shit! Please don't read into it,, Edward.
Looking at me questioningly, he asked, "You don't want me to forget? How could I forget you love me?"
"You know what I mean," I played it off, thinking it was just fucking great that Edward had read into it. "I love you." I smiled at him.
"Love you too. I'll see you tomorrow, babe."
"Okay, bye." Pressing my lips to his one last time I unwillingly let him go.
Stupidly, I stood there and watched him walk down the rest of the drive towards his car. Turning to wave at me, he got in and drove off unknowing that he wouldn't see tomorrow, or the next day or any day after that. Slowly turning myself around, my tears began to fall as I walked inside the house. Closing the door behind me, I slid down it as my heart shattered into tiny little pieces.
Never again would I feel his lips against mine. Never again would I feel his body pressed against me. Never again would I watch him sleep after fucking all afternoon. All the things that made my world great were gone. His smile, his laugh, his touch, his love. None of these things would ever be mine again. How could I get over him? How did I even start to repair the tiny broken pieces of my heart? My afternoon alone with him just wasn't long enough. Then again, nothing would have been long enough to say goodbye to him.
A painful sob escaped my lips as I wrapped my arms around my knees and buried my head. Was I doing the right thing? It wasn't too late. I could cancel and not join the army, I could stay here and be with him. I was eighteen, legal age, I didn't need my parent's permission anymore. But would I resent him if I stayed? What if I stayed and we didn't work out? Yeah, I knew I loved him more than anything else in the world, but would we last? We were kids, really, still with our whole lives ahead of us. Would what we had now be there in ten years time?
I wanted him so much that the thought of never seeing him again stabbed painfully through my chest. My love for him burned through my skin, through every fibre of my body until it reached my soul. As my love for him burned through me, my tears poured out of me. Inside I was dying. Everything was becoming empty and incomplete. How could I even get over this, become strong and pull myself together when my heart was broken this way?
I love you so much, Edward. Please, please don't hate me. This screamed around my head. It would tear me apart if he hated me yet, at the same time, I couldn't blame him if he did. His heart would be shattered when he realised that I was gone. His pain would be the same as mine, if not worse for how I left.
Slowly, I pulled myself up from my crumpled ball state and made my way upstairs. His scent attacked me the moment I stepped through the door bringing on a fresh wave of tears. My eyes, much to my protest, looked down at my bed where, not too long ago, I had him crying out my name in the throes of passion. Why did this have to be so hard? Why did having your heart broken and smashed into tiny pieces have to hurt so much? Would this pain ever end?
Opening my drawer, I pulled out my notebook. I needed to leave him something, to explain things in some way and hope it softened the blow. Though I knew it wouldn't, I had to try. Sitting down on the bed that only a few hours ago I was making love to Edward on, I opened the notebook up and stared aimless at the blank pages.
This is the hardest thing I have ever, ever had to write. There are so many things I want to say, so many things I want to tell you, yet words fail me.
You have asked me so many times if I was okay, and every time I lied. What I told you was so far from the truth. The pain of lying to you, keeping this from you, has torn me apart. So badly I wanted to tell you, but the coward in me stopped me.
By the time you read this, I will be long gone. I want to say where I am going, but I don't know how to. How can I tell you where I am going when I can't even gather my thoughts to tell you what you mean to me?
You'll read this and you will hate me. God, I don't want you to, yet I know you will, and that kills me.
Please, Edward, please don't ever think I didn't love you, because I did and do. You mean the world to me!
I wanted to spend the afternoon loving you, covering you with my love, making you feel what I felt for you. That's why I blew your mind all afternoon, why I held you close to me, and why I chased you down the drive unwilling to let you go. I don't want to let you go.
Even now as I write this and try and put my feelings for you on paper, my heart breaks over letting you go. Why can't I just keep you? Why can't I have what I love?
You are everything good in my life, in my world. Your smile, your laugh, your touch and love, have brightened my world to such an extent that now my world is turning black. I don't write this for you to feel sorry for me. After all, it's me that broke your heart. I just want you to see, to realise, that I do love you and you are so important to me.
Our relationship has been heaven for me. You're the only person I want near me when I feel like shit. You're the only one that really understands me and I think the only one who ever will.
Please babe, please know that I will ALWAYS love you. No matter how long my life is, you will always hold my heart, ALWAYS.
From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry. I wish there could be another way, but there isn't.
Love you more than my own life and everything in it.
Folding the letter up and sealing it, my tears hit the envelope. Placing it on the side, I packed the rest of my things to get ready for my leave. My eyes continued to look back at the envelope on the side. Why does this hurt so much? I'm eighteen for God's sake! I shouldn't be this heartbroken over a relationship!
Yet, I was. No matter how many times I told myself to get over it and man up, I just couldn't. Edward didn't deserve to be treated this way by me, he didn't deserve to have his heart ripped out and smashed into tiny little pieces. He deserved to be constantly loved by someone. He was too good to suffer this heartache. I should have never gotten involved with him, never started a relationship I wouldn't see through, yet I did. And at the time, I had no idea what I was going to do.
Over the weeks and months, I had spent time talking to my father about this trying to decide what to do, trying to find the right way. All he had told me throughout our many talks was to follow my dream, and if we are meant to be, fate will find a way to bring us back together.
You can't change your fate, only ever delay it.
He was right. I couldn't change it. If my fate lay with Edward, we would find each other one day. If not? Then... Well, I don't know. If I ever saw him again would he even talk to me? Would he scream and shout at me for what I had done? Would he even want to speak to me? More importantly, would he forgive me?
The night dragged on, and while I should be sleeping like the rest of the household, I was wide awake with tears slowly running down my cheeks and wetting my pillow. Tossing and turning, the dusky light of sunrise began to creep into my room. Looking at my watch, the time stared back at me, 4.12 AM. Deciding now was the time to post my letter, I threw on a pair of jeans and a hoodie and left with the letter. My parents said they'd drop me off to post it, but I didn't want that. I wanted to do this on my own and not with them around to watch my heartache.
The streets were empty as I slowly walked towards his house. The peace and solitude of it soothed my aching heart letting me breath for just a few moments. Edward lived all of a twenty minute walk away. By the time I got there, posted my letter and walked back, my parents would be awake and getting ready for our six o'clock leave. Why didn't I just pick college? I could have stayed with Edward until we started. Fuck, I could have stayed with James.
James, despite him finding the muddles of my love life funny as fuck, had been supportive of me. While he completely understood our father's great thought on life of 'follow your dream', he also wanted me to make sure that I was understanding that I was parting one dream for another. Fat lot of fucking help he turned out to be when his next line was 'come to college, get wasted and get laid!' James just wanted me to be happy, but secretly feared that if I disappeared to boot camp, mum would attack him even more.
Turning the corner, Edward's house came into view. The sight of it caused the pain in my chest to intensify. My love was just through those bricks fast asleep and thinking he would be seeing me in the morning. Walking up the path, I nervously played with the envelope in my hands. My tears continued to fall, the closer I got, until I was standing outside his front door.
Sucking in a few deep but shaky breaths, I rested my head against the solid door wishing for anything that I could hold or kiss him just one last time.
"I love you so much, Edward. Please forgive me," I whispered.
Placing the letter against my lips, I kissed it before pushing it through the letter box gently. My eyes screwed tightly shut as I tried in vain to keep the painful sob from escaping my lips. This was my final goodbye to my love, to the man who held my heart.
"I'm so, so sorry."
Can we all still see the screen? LOL.
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