Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Obviously. I'm just borrowing, like we all do.
Check out the link for this in my profile.
Thank you so very much to obsessedmom for her editing skills.
"Please, please, please come?" I begged him, holding my cell phone tightly in my hand as I cried. I didn't want to be alone anymore. It hurt so bad.
"Isabella, please, I don't have time for this." His usually soft and sweet voice was beyond annoyed.
"Please," I didn't know what else to do but beg. I knew it probably wouldn't work, but I was down to my last hope.
-- Three Years Earlier --
"I got all those papers you wanted printed," I informed my boss as I stepped into his office. "Do you need anything else tonight?"
I smiled at him as he looked up at me from his computer. Even though he was old enough to be my father - actually, he was my father's age - he was still the most handsome man I had ever seen. I had been fantasizing about him since I was sixteen.
"Thank you so much, Isabella." He smiled brightly, his blue eyes holding my stare.
I hated the name Isabella, I always corrected people when they used it. But he had been calling me that since as far back as I could remember, and even as a child, I didn't mind it from him.
"Of course," I nodded, coming closer to put a sample of the printed papers on his desk like he always liked me to do.
He stretched out in his chair, smiling at me the whole time. I swallowed hard, trying not to look at the way the top buttons of his shirt were undone. Since we had been working late this last month, he always removed his tie and undid the top buttons after eight. It drove me crazy.
I stood still and tried to force a normal smile as he stood and walked around his desk. His eyes were on mine the whole time, making me look down as my cheeks flashed a bright pink.
I heard him laugh slightly as he stepped before me, my heart racing and feeling like it might burst out of my chest.
"You're so beautiful when you're like this." I couldn't believe he called me beautiful. I mean, sure he had called me beautiful many times throughout my life, but this was different.
I continued to look down afraid that if I looked at him he was would see it all in my eyes. I had been in love with him since I was in high school. I knew I couldn't have him. He was married and had children - children my age. One of which was my best friend. I was definitely going to hell.
I gasped at the sudden gentle touch across my cheek. I noticed it was his thumb, running across my cheekbone.
"Don't you like it when I call you beautiful?"
I finally looked up, frowning. I wasn't sure what this was about. He would never, ever cheat on Esme. Especially not with me.
He stepped closer and I backed up without thinking. He didn't remove his hand from my cheek, only took another step so our bodies were even closer.
"I thought you liked me," he whispered.
My voice was caught in my throat. What the hell was going on? Was I dreaming again?
He smiled sweetly again as he leaned down. I backed away even more. "Mr. Cullen," I breathed, unable to get any more out.
"Mr. Cullen?" He smirked.
Right, that was stupid. I hadn't called him that since I was a child.
"You know my name, Isabella. Use it freely."
"Carlisle... I..." I sounded like an idiot. I couldn't get one word out.
"What, sweetheart?" With another easy step, he was before me again, brushing my hair from my face, "I thought you always wanted me."
I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out again. I was lost in his beautiful blue eyes once again.
He tilted his head and gave me another warm smile, "I'm going to kiss you now."
The hotel door opened and he finally entered. I shot up from the bed I was sitting on and quickly went over to him, wrapping my arms around him and crying into his chest.
My heart broke even more when he didn't hug me in return like he used to. He just coldly removed my arms from his neck.
"What is it, Isabella?" he asked, moving me to sit on the bed. "I was having dinner with my family."
The thought that I had taken him from his family only made me cry more. "I'm sorry," I whispered.
"It's fine," he breathed. I knew it wasn't. "What is it?"
I shook my head and looked down at my huge belly. "I'm scared," I managed to get out. "I don't want to be alone," I admitted.
"You made this choice. You knew you'd be alone. I told you not to."
I ran my hand up and placed it over my stomach, as if protecting my baby from its father. I didn't want this baby to be unwanted. I wanted him to care.
"It's not fair," I finally said looking up at him.
He ran his hand though his light blonde hair and stared right ahead at my face. It was like he refused to see that his life was inside of me.
"I would never leave Esme for you... or my daughter and son... How do you think Rosalie would feel?"
My best friend Rosalie would probably kill me if she knew I had been having an affair with her father.
My eyes dropped again. Of course I didn't want to hurt Esme, she was like a mother to me, always so kind and caring. And of course I didn't want to hurt Rosalie or Jasper, they had been like a sister and brother to me since we were little.
No matter which way you spun it, someone ended up hurt.
I didn't know what I wanted; did I truly want him to leave his family and start a new one with me? That would kill the people that I loved, and I did love them all. I knew I was a whore and back stabber for ever beginning this with him. It was my fault and I brought it on myself.
But, I also didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to do this alone. I loved him so much that it hurt. I wanted my child to grow up knowing its father. I wanted it to feel loved and not kept a secret.
Carlisle would never allow it. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. I was frustrating him again.
"Why didn't you let me fix this when we could?" he finally asked, bringing more tears to the surface. It broke my heart every time he spoke so freely about killing our child.
-- Six Months Earlier --
I paced the hotel room, waiting. My eyes shot straight to the door when it opened. Carlisle stepped through it and gave me a small smile.
"What is it, sweetheart?" he asked, coming to still my movements and cup my cheeks. He leaned down for a kiss and pressed his forehead again mine.
"Can we sit down?" I asked in almost a whisper. I knew this wouldn't go well, but he had to know. This wasn't just my doing.
He nodded and brushed my hair back the way I loved, moving us to sit on the edge of the bed. I closed my eyes as he stroked my hair and moved in to kiss my neck. His hot breath fluttered over my skin as he whispered, "God, I missed you so much. I've been thinking about you all day."
I smiled, enjoying this moment before I broke the news. "I love you so much," I whispered. I really did, and I knew it was wrong. I should not love him. He was married to a woman I saw as my mother. He was the father of my best friend and her brother, also my good friend.
"I love you too," he said his hand reaching for my breast and squeezing slightly.
"No," I shook my head and pulled his hand away.
He gave me a smile and straightened up, "Sorry," he shrugged.
"I'm pregnant," I blurted out. I knew there was no good time and no gentle way to put it.
He was in shock for a moment, just sort of staring at me, his face moving from this emotion to that. I was getting more nervous by the second.
"Okay." He finally snapped out of it and nodded. "I'll transfer the money to your account and you can make an appointment. I'll give you the number of a good place. It's okay sweetheart. We'll take care of it." He rubbed his thumb over my cheek.
I sat frozen. That did not once enter my mind. And, when I pictured telling Carlisle, he never once in my mind came up with that answer.
"Take care of it?" I asked. There was no emotion to my tone and it made me shudder how cold I sounded. How empty I felt right now.
He sighed, "I didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you, but seriously, sweetheart, I'll take care of you. I'll even make the appointment if you can't. Everything will be okay, you just have to be strong and go there for me, okay?" He was speaking to me like I was a child. It was funny, because when we created this life, he definitely wasn't speaking to me like I was a child.
"I don't want to take care of this, Carlisle." I finally spoke up, my voice strong for a change. No one would hurt my baby.
"What do you mean?" he asked, pulling away and frowning.
"I mean, I'm not going to kill our baby." I placed my hand over my stomach and shook my head.
"Don't think of it that way."
"That way?" Tears rolled down my cheeks, "Don't think of it like it's our child?"
"Stop saying that, Isabella!" He shot up and began pacing, his hand running through his hair again. "Did you plan this?"
"What?" I gasped, "Of course not. How can you think that?" I guess it wasn't that crazy that he would think it. I mean, I had always known he'd never leave his wife for me, maybe he thought I thought this was the only way.
"I'm on the pill." I reminded him. "I would never."
"Well, then maybe you weren't taking it properly."
I rolled my eyes and took a deep breath, "I know how to take my birth control. I've been doing it since I was a teenager." Was he crazy? I wasn't that stupid. Didn't he know that it just happened sometimes.
"How do I even know it's mine?"
On some level I knew he'd say that. "It's yours, Carlisle," I simply told him.
I didn't want this conversation to go this way. I imagined, if I ever had babies, the father would be thrilled. He'd kiss me and tell me he loved me, and then go crazy with stuffed toys for the months to come. He wouldn't question if it were his.
"How do I know that?... I mean, there's that Edward guy that's your friend. You two used to date."
Edward and I dated when we were seventeen, for about six months. We were twenty-three now and he was happily dating Alice. They were my friends and Edward and I just weren't like that anymore.
"He and his girlfriend Alice are my friends."
"So? You and Esme are close too. She considers you her daughter, you know. You'd crush her if she found out about this." He was panicking now and being hurtful.
"I wasn't going to tell her."
"Then what do you want? If you want this child, it can't have anything to do with me and we have to stop this, right now."
"But... I love you." The thought of doing this alone... it just, killed me.
"You love me? So, you want to destroy my whole life with this stupid need of yours to protect something inside you that's nothing more than a cell right now?"
I shrugged and shook my head, "I guess... I wanted you to be happy about this too. I wish you'd love this baby as much as you love Rosalie and Jasper."
Those two simple words sent the sharpest pain up my body that I had ever felt. I began sobbing harder as he stood to leave. I wanted to beg him, but no words would escape. The pain continued.
Panic struck me when I noticed the pain was real. I held onto my stomach and heard the cries of pain fill the hotel room. They were mine.
"Isabella?" His voice was concerned, for this first time during this pregnancy, as he knelt before me. I noticed him checking between my legs before he quickly stood. "Your water broke... Come on, we have to get you to the hospital," he said, gently pulling me up to stand.
Hours later, I was sitting in my hospital room with the most beautiful baby boy I had ever set my eyes on in my arms. He yawned and made me smile. He was so perfect.
I heard a soft knock at the door and looked up to see a smiling Rosalie. She had an insane amount of balloons and flowers in her hands.
"Oh, Bella..." she sighed, quickly entering and putting the gifts down. The room was suddenly brighter with her kindness. "He's so beautiful," she said, coming to kiss my cheek and then his forehead. "Can I please hold him?"
I nodded and gently handed him over. She gasped softly and cradled him lovingly. I watched the half-brother and sister before me and felt so guilty for lying to her. I told her it was some random guy I slept with and he wanted nothing to do with us. She felt bad for me and told me she was there for me, like she always had been and like she always would be. She could never know that her father had fathered the baby in her arms. It would kill her and she'd hate us both.
"You're a natural," I told her with a small laugh. She kept telling me how jealous she was that I was pregnant. She just wanted her own, she had since we were little. She was always pushing her dolls around in strollers, pretending she was a mother.
"Yeah?" she asked, a brighter smile coming to play across her face. She looked so much like Carlisle that I had to look away, biting on my lip. I wondered where he was. He had brought me to the hospital and then that was it.
"I just have to find a boyfriend first, huh?"
She stopped when she realized what she had said. "I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't mean it that way."
"I know, Rose. Don't worry." I too now realized this would be much easier if I was with someone, not hiding with someone. If this someone wanted our son too.
"Did you think of a name?" she asked, never taking her eyes off him.
"I really like Evan." I shrugged.
"Evan is perfect."
With her approval, I decided to go with Evan. He looked like an Evan.
Rosalie handed him back to me and sat beside me on the bed, facing us.
"Good thing my dad was there, huh?" She smiled, her hand resting on my knee.
I didn't say anything, because I wasn't sure what she was talking about. But, it sounded like Carlisle had thought up a story for bringing me here.
"He told us what happened. He was on his way to the office, we were actually having a family dinner when he got called in for something he had forgotten to do, when he saw you trying to get into your car. Are you crazy, Bella?" She smiled. "You can't drive when you're in labor."
I actually laughed lightly, understanding his stupid cover-up story. "Silly me," I shrugged.
We were brought out of our conversation with another light knock at the door. I smiled when I saw Jasper standing there with a big bouquet of lilies and a stuffed teddy.
"I came to visit the beautiful new mom and lucky little guy," he informed.
Rosalie rolled her eyes, but smiled as she moved off the bed so he could come over. He put the flowers and toy down before kissing Evan's forehead and then mine. "He's beautiful, Bella," he told me, stroking my hair back and kissing my forehead once more before pulling away.
"Thank you," I whispered.
He reached for Evan and I handed him to Jasper without a word. More guilt shot through me now as I watched the two half-brothers. I swallowed hard and reached for the stuffed teddy he had brought in with him.
"I spoke to your father. He said he'd be here soon. He couldn't get out of the station earlier," he informed me. I hadn't even thought of why Dad wasn't here yet. We were never too close.
I nodded and watched him walk around the room with Evan, a huge smile across his face. I looked to Rosalie, she too was smiling just like Jasper - just like Carlisle used to smile at me.
I knew I'd be alone in this room right now if the two of them knew that this child was their father's.
I actually closed my eyes and wished I didn't hear her sweet voice. I could not do this. I could not look at Esme right now. I betrayed all the people in this room, and they loved me. They loved my son, without even knowing whose he was.
I took a deep breath and forced a smile as Esme came into the room and went right to Jasper to see the new baby.
-- Two Years Later --
Rosalie and I fell out of touch. She knew.
The older Evan got, the more he looked like Carlisle, and the more he looked like her and Jasper. Even Esme stopped talking to me. I knew she and Carlisle were having some problems now that she suspected he was the father of my child.
They must have put two and two together. We had worked late together for years, and suddenly I fell pregnant and quit my job at his law firm. I guess it all added up.
And that's why I had to move. I could not stand watching their family fall apart. I could not stand all the rumors that went on about me behind my back. Apparently I was screwing at least seven married men in their eyes. And every divorce in this town was my fault.
I just, I just couldn't do it anymore.
So, that's why I packed our things. Evan was fast asleep in his crib while I packed up what we owned and loaded it into my car. Dad wouldn't care that I was gone. He hated the crying at all hours of the night and often asked when I was planning on getting a place of my own. I mean, I was twenty-six after all.
As I loaded a box into the back of my car, I saw Jasper's truck pull into my driveway, blocking my car. He turned the truck off and got out, frowning at me.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"Packing," I told him coldly, turning and walking back into the house. He followed.
"Bella." He grabbed my elbow and stopped me, "Where are you going?"
"Seattle," I informed. "My cousin Emmett and his wife live there. They said I could live with them until I find a place of my own."
"Yeah, I can't stay here anymore." I shook my head and finally pulled my arm free of his hold. I don't think he noticed he was holding it so tightly.
"You can't leave," he told me, like it was a matter of fact.
"Yes I can, Jasper. I... I can't do this anymore... I..."
"What, you can't stand watching my parents fall apart? Or you can't take the stupid small town gossip anymore? What?"
"Yes!" Why was it so hard to believe?
"I thought you were stronger than that. All this time I've known you, since we were fucking kids, you've always stood up for yourself," He laughed lightly, "You stood up for me when all the kids teased me because I was dork."
I smiled briefly. He was kind of a dork, but he was the sweetest guy ever and I could not stand watching people bring him down. He sure did prove them wrong. In the first year of college he suddenly got extremely handsome and all the girls chased after him. Everyone wanted to be his friend. But, he only gave the good ones a chance.
"I can't stand up for myself when it's true."
He shook his head, "It wasn't all your fault." I knew he knew, and I wouldn't lie to him anymore. Evan was his much younger half-brother, his father's much younger son. The son he pretended didn't exist.
"Yes it was," I sighed, hanging my head in shame and feeling the all too familiar tears cover my cheeks.
His gentle hand came to my cheek and I leaned into it before it slid around to the back of my neck and he pulled me into his chest.
I held onto the back of his jacket and cried, "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry." Why was he even here when his parents were falling apart because of what I had done?
"Shh, it's okay," he whispered, "Just don't leave me."
I sniffled as his words sunk in, "What? Why?"
I looked up at him with my blurry vision as he cupped my face in his hands, "Because I love you... I've loved you since we were like twelve." He chuckled at himself as I frowned.
"What?" I whispered again.
"I was always too scared to tell you... I knew you didn't feel the same, but if it's my last chance, then..."
I don't know what got into me. - Maybe I just wanted him to shut up because his words made me feel even more horrible. I pulled him down and caught his lips with mine.
He held the back of my head to him as he deepened the kiss and pressed my body harder against his with his free arm.
Maybe it was because I wished it was Jasper all along. Maybe I whispered for his kindness and love. Maybe I wished he was Evan's father rather than half brother all those first nights he stayed with me and helped me when I cried because I didn't know how to make my son stop crying. Maybe it was because he loved Evan the way a father should.
Maybe it was because he had always been there for me. I finally realized.
I moaned as he pushed me against the wall and I slid my hands up his muscular back.
Maybe it was because no one had kissed me this way in so long.
I suddenly froze, realizing this was Carlisle's son. Jasper broke the kiss and breathed against my face, "What is it, darling?"
I removed my hands and pressed against his chest, "I can't do this."
He looked at me with more hurt and anger than I had ever seen reflect back at me, and then he just left.
"I'm sorry," I said, even though he was already out of the door.
I slid down against the wall and covered my face with my hands. No words could describe how horrible I was.
I had to get out of here.
-- Four Months Later --
"Thank you so much, Em," I sighed as I handed Evan over to him. "I'm sorry." I used that fucking word way too often. But really, it's all I could say.
"Don't worry, Bells. It's not a problem. Evan and I are going to have a great time," Emmett told me with his big bright dimpled smile in place.
Evan clapped his hands and then slapped Emmett's chin. Emmett laughed, "See? He's already beating his Uncle Em up."
"Thanks again." I smiled at them as I leaned in to give each of them a kiss. "No more slapping Uncle Em." I winked at Evan and he smiled.
"Okay, mama." He shrugged, lacing his little fingers together in a way that didn't fit right.
"I love you." I gave him another kiss.
Emmett was a lifesaver. He and his wife took me in and gave me a home for three months before I started my new job and finally found a place of my own. It was an old small one bedroom apartment, but it was a safe part of town, so it did just fine.
He and his wife also helped take care of Evan whenever they could, like today.
I left for work in a rush and made it just on time. I worked at the local library and really loved it actually. It was quiet and calm and I felt very helpful. No one knew about my past here, no one judged me. They just were.
The day passed like all the others. I couldn't wait to see Evan again. I dropped by the grocery store real quick and picked up a few things for dinner before going to pick Evan up.
I knocked and Emmett let me in. He had a serious expression on his face, even though he was still smiling. I wondered what was wrong.
"Someone came to visit," he said.
I frowned and swallowed. Emmett put his arm around me, "Don't worry, I checked him out before I let him in. I know you've talked about him before. I wouldn't just let a stranger around Ev."
I couldn't form words or even begin to guess which one of them it was.
I wished for Jasper, at the same time I wished it was not him. It was odd. I didn't want to think about him. I didn't want to wish for him. It was wrong of me. It was wrong of me to wish for someone as wonderful as him. I didn't deserve anything.
I stepped into the living room after Emmett and saw Jasper, clear as day, sitting on the floor and playing with Evan. The two looked so much alike that it sent chills up my spine. I forgot how much so.
Jasper turned to me as I smiled at Evan and went to kiss him hello.
I finally looked to Jasper and noticed Emmett had left us alone.
"Jasper," I managed a smile.
"I miss you," he easily admitted. "I'm sorry about that night. It was wrong of me to get angry at you."
"You get to the point quickly, don't you?" I remembered a time he was so shy he went whole days without even a hello.
I played with Evan's toy when he handed it to me, telling me to put it together. I looked to my son and pushed his light blonde hair out of his bright blue eyes, watching the way they sparkled when I handed the toy back to him.
"I've just been thinking about it for months and I needed to tell you. I was an idiot for doing that."
I looked down to the toys and shook my head. He was the last person I would consider an idiot.
"I have to get Evan home and make dinner. Do you want to come with us?"
I didn't want to take up anymore of Emmett's time.
We told him we were leaving and then spent a short silent car ride to my apartment.
Jasper played with Evan as I made dinner and then we all ate at the small table. I noticed Jasper smiling as he watched us. He was such an amazing person that I didn't even know why he gave me the time of day.
I was one of those people he knew didn't deserve to be his friend. I wasn't good enough. So… why?
He and Evan spent some more time playing while I cleaned and then put Evan down to sleep, knowing now Jasper and I could finally talk.
I saw him sitting on the couch as I left the bedroom. I came to sit with him and asked if he wanted a drink. He thanked me but said he was okay for now, going on to tell me the apartment was nice.
I shrugged and looked down at my hands in my lap.
"You're really good with him, you know."
"I don't know," I sighed. "I'm so scared I'm doing something wrong."
"You're perfect," he assured, reaching for my hands and holding them.
I held his back, my chest aching.
"I went to see your dad before I came."
"Yeah? Did he tell you not to bother?"
Jasper smiled and nodded, "You know him."
"Yeah..." Dad never was much of a father. And now he was mad at me for just leaving without so much as a goodbye, or thank you for having stayed in his home so long. I guess I felt like I didn't need to thank him. He was my father, I was his child. He was meant to want to give me all he could.
I knew by now that he knew I had an affair with Carlisle. I gave him even more reason to be ashamed of his daughter. He always wanted a son, but was stuck with only me after Mom died and he never remarried.
"Why'd you run away, Bella?"
I shrugged again and sniffled. "I couldn't stay there. I didn't want Evan to grow up there, knowing he was a result of an affair. Knowing his father was right there and didn't want him."
Jasper nodded, "I'm sorry. I mean, I know you did something wrong... but I hate seeing you hurting." 'Because I love you... I've loved you since we were like twelve.'
I looked into his blue eyes, seeing Carlisle, my best friend, my son... seeing just Jasper now. He was there all along. He never left and he came chasing after me. He brought stuffed teddy bears for Evan.
"Do you... still...?" How could I ask him something I didn't even believe was true? But, in this moment, I felt hope that maybe my life didn't have to be this sad anymore. It's a long shot, but still.
"I never stopped loving you, Bella. I'm just sorry I didn't tell you a long time ago, and I'm sorry it took this long to come after you. I wasn't sure you wanted me to."
This time he moved in, gently kissing my lips.
"I don't deserve you," I whispered between his sweet kisses.
He shook his head, "Please don't say that." He moved in closer, wrapping his arms around me before deepening the kiss.
I wrapped my arms around his neck, lacing my fingers through his messy hair. Our kiss continued, I didn't want it to stop. He made me feel so loved, and I wanted to be worthy. I wanted to be able to make him happy in return.
We made love for the first time that night. He was gentle and sweet, the Jasper I always knew. I never felt this way, and I realized it was because I had never truly been in love before. Love was meant to fell good, not shameful. It finally felt good.
I never knew that, all along, the perfect guy was always there, just waiting for me and too afraid to admit he wanted me.
He kissed my forehead and played with my hair as we lay tangled together on my small couch, covered in a blanket. I traced small circles over his perfect chest and watched my fingers touch his smooth skin and hard muscles.
"Don't ask me to leave?" he whispered into my hair. "Please?"
I looked up at him, "I know I don't deserve you, but please... don't ever leave?"
"Never." He gave me a beautiful smile and kissed my lips again.
Author's Note: Just a few things. I hope that you guys understand that Carlisle never loved Bella, she just happened to be old enough to fuck at the time because he had gotten out of a pervious affair. Jasper knows what his father is like. He knows he's had affairs with other young women before - hence when Carlisle said he knows a good place. He'd had to take other women there before. Jasper always loved Bella, and when he learnt of the affair, he thought more than ever that she didn't want him. Sometimes, when you love someone and they had stood up for you your whole life - like Bella did for Jasper, the bad things they did don't matter. Even though Bella's kindness towards Jasper went unnoticed to her, it definitely didn't to him.