Children of (Cardiff) Hilton

Author: Milady Dragon

Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood, but I have no choice but to write this…it's a moral imperative.

Author's Note: This story actually woke me up in the middle of the night, and I had to write it. I don't know if there's an actual Hilton in Cardiff, but for purposes of this story there is. This is also my first attempt at anything even remotely crack-like, and there's some smut as well (mostly very heavily implied but I'm rating it M just in case). Hope you all enjoy it; it's my attempt to laugh at "Children of Earth". If we can't laugh at it, then what can we do??


It was a beautiful day in Cardiff.

Well, it was for those actually outside.

Jack Harkness and Ianto Jones were very definitely not outside.

They'd taken the honeymoon suite at the Cardiff Hilton, in an effort to escape Torchwood for a couple of days. Plus they were tired of Gwen "accidently" walking in on them; it was getting old being interrupted just before either of them climaxed. It just wasn't fair.

Jack opened the door to the attendant bringing their room service order. The man was so discrete he didn't even react to the black leather outfit Jack was wearing: chaps, cowboy hat, and custom-fitted cod-piece…after all, tape measures never lie. Their favorite leather shop had Jack's measurements on record, after all. All thanks to Ianto, of course. No one was allowed to measure the big captain's little captain except him.

"Your order, sir," the man – whose name tag read "Todd" – said quietly.

Jack looked down at the tray. Ah yes…whipped cream, strawberries, melted chocolate, and half a dozen bananas. Some might think they're a good source of potassium, but Jack was much more creative than that.

"Thanks, Todd," Jack answered, winking. He handed the attendant a ten pound note as a tip, and then took the tray from him.

It was at that point that discrete Todd went very still.

At first, Jack thought it was because he'd caught sight of Ianto, handcuffed to the king-sized bed and wearing nothing but a white leather g-string and matching vest, with a shiny silver sheriff's star pinned to it. Hell, Jack stared too…who wouldn't, with the younger man looking that incredibly hot? It was really all Jack could do not to launch himself across the room at him.

But then, the captain realized that Todd wasn't, in fact, appreciating Jack's lover. The strange hacking noise was a dead giveaway. Because absolutely no one could be making those sorts of sounds about his Ianto!

"If he hacks a lurgie into the whipped cream," Ianto said, exasperated, "I'm going to complain to management." He wriggled on the bed, completely distracting Jack for a second.

Eventually, Todd seemed to get what he wanted to say out of his system. It was the word "We". He said it a couple of times, just to be sure.

That was it.

And then, Todd was back to being the discrete Hilton employee, backing out of the room and shutting the door behind him.

That was odd.

But Jack decided that everything was most likely okay, checked the whipped cream for any foreign objects, then went back to playing cowboys with Ianto.

*****

That evening, the boys decided to go down to the hotels' restaurant for dinner. Jack had wanted to order room service, but Ianto insisted, saying he was getting a bit tired of being naked. The astonished look on Jack's face had been completely worth the comment.

They were just getting ready to order, when their waitress went completely still. She started making the same hacking noises that Todd had, earlier.

"Oh crap," Ianto muttered, face in palm. "I swear, Jack…we're never coming here again."

She finally managed to say "We Are" and then, was back to normal. "May I take your orders?" she asked brightly.

Ianto and Jack just looked at each other.

Jack ordered the lobster, and Ianto the steak.

*****

Two hours later, Ianto was in the hotel's shop, looking for Pepto-Bismol because the lobster didn't seem to agree with Jack's stomach; in fact, he kept complaining that it felt like his belly was going to explode. He was extremely disgruntled, when the clerk went into the same act as had Todd and their waitress, only this time she said "We Are Coming" before clicking back into helpful employee mode.

Ianto sighed. He certainly hoped that the Pepto would help, because he did really want to come later.

*****

Thanks to Jack's fast healing and a liberal dose of cherry flavored Pepto-Bismol, Ianto got his wish later on that evening. With the help of a lime green vibrator, children's colored modeling clay, and a peacock feather, he managed to reduce Jack to a quivering mass of goo for several hours.

They were so occupied with their fun that they missed the next round of chanting, that happened two minutes til midnight.

"We Are Coming Tomorrow."

The management of the Hilton didn't however. They just couldn't make up their minds if all the junior staff – who seemed to stop all at once to chant that particular phrase – were just all really good at taking synchronized acid trips, or if someone that powerful was actually coming to check in sometime the next day.

Either thought was pretty scary.

*****

"Hello?"

"Ianto?"

Ianto stifled his sigh, wishing he hadn't answered his mobile. "Yes, Rhiannon?"

"What are you doing?"

He rolled his eyes, glancing over at Jack, who was busily trying to get his breathing back under control after their latest session. The perverse part of him wanted to correct her, and say "Not what, but who" however he changed his mind rather quickly.

"Nothing much," he finally answered.

"Well, you were seen, you know."

"Just what's that supposed to mean?"

"My friend Susan was at the Hilton with her husband for dinner last night and she says you were there when the employees started acting weird…and you were with a bloke."

"Yeah," he answered. "The service was terrible. Never going there again."

"But what about the guy? She said there was no girl going to get her feet under that table, that was for sure."

Not exactly the conversation he wanted to get into with her. Not with Jack lying next to him, looking utterly debauched. It was obscene the way the older man was just sprawled there. "Look, I'm in the middle of something – "

"Susan says he looked like some sort of film star…or an escort…you didn't hire him, did you? If you did, can I get his number? For Susan, not for me. She wanted to know if he could jump out of Tracey's fortieth birthday cake wearing nothing but a Speedo."

Ianto really sighed this time. "He's my boss." Although he was pretty sure that Jack wouldn't object to jumping out of a cake in front of a crowd of middle-aged, horny women.

"So, you're an escort too? Damn, Ianto! Why didn't you tell me? I could've gotten you some good paying gigs, like Jen's hen do in a couple of weeks – "

This was so not happening. "I have to go, Rhiannon."

"Oh, right…probably working then. Let me know about that hen do; I'm sure it's not too late to get you booked in – "

"Good-bye, Rhiannon."

*****

That afternoon found Jack and Ianto out of their room and in the hotel lobby, Jack taking a look through the shop on the off chance that they carried lube. Of course they didn't – although they had quite a nice selection of condoms – and at the rate the pair of them were going through it Jack realized he'd need to have Ianto add it to their shopping list. He let the younger man take care of stuff like that, since Ianto was so much better organized.

He was just considering whether or not to buy Gwen a souvenir fridge magnet when every member of the Hilton staff stopped what they were doing. Jack was getting as tired as Ianto about it, and vowed that next time they'd go somewhere else to spend their time.

"We Are Coming…Now."

Then everyone suddenly went back to normal.

Gotta love Cardiff, really.

Jack left the gift shop, joining Ianto where he was standing by the front desk. Just has he reached the younger man's side, a brilliant burst of light came from the hotel's front doors, illuminating the entire lobby. He heard Ianto comment about the "damned Cardiff sun" as the sunlight faded, to reveal a young woman entering the building. She was dressed head to toe in pink, and held a small dog in her arms. A large entourage followed her.

"Is that who I think it is?" Jack asked.

Ianto nodded. "Yep. It's Paris Hilton."

"No wonder the staff was acting all nuts then…" Jack shivered despite himself.

The young woman sauntered up to the front desk, and Jack caught a whiff of the strong perfume she was wearing. Damn, had she bathed in it or something?

Ianto's face went pale, and he swayed a little.

"You should get out," Jack said. "I can survive that stench, but your nose is really sensitive."

"It's too late," Ianto gasped, "I've breathed the air."

He swayed again, and Jack caught him on the way to the floor. "Come on, stay with me," Jack urged, seeing the sick look on his lover's face.

"That's disgusting," Ianto muttered. "I think I might pass out."

"Don't let it get to you. We'll go back to our room for a little fun, huh?" Jack was getting a little bothered by Ianto's reaction. The cologne had been bad, but this was a little extreme.

"Jack, I –"

"Don't!"

Ianto rolled his eyes. "Would you let me finish? God, Jack…you're worse than my sister…"

"Sorry. Go on."

"Thank you. Now, as I was saying…I'm having such a bad time with that perfume because I'm pregnant, and the smell is making me nauseous."

Jack looked like he'd swallowed several goldfish.

Ianto waited for a few seconds, then said. "It's good, yeah?"

That snapped Jack out of his trance. He grinned like a maniac. "Oh yeah! But when were you planning on telling me?"

"Tonight, actually. But since you looked so worried…"

Jack hugged him, pulling him to his feet. "Let's go back to our room, shall we?"

"I think we shall, yes."

*****

They were interrupted by a knock on the door.

Jack rolled off Ianto. "That better not be Gwen, having tracked us down." He was extremely frustrated.

Ianto groaned. "I'm surprised I got pregnant at all, with her constant interruptions."

Jack shrugged on his robe, then answered the door. The discrete Todd stood there, looking apologetic. "I'm sorry to disturb you," he said diffidently, "but the manager asked if you would mind giving up your room for another guest."

Ianto rolled his eyes. "Must be Paris Hilton, throwing her weight around."

"Yes, we would mind," Jack answered. "We're booked until tomorrow night, and that's when we'll leave."

"And tell the manager we're never staying here again," Ianto called. "Between the employees going nuts and speaking in chants, and now this…you're never getting our business again. And believe me when I say we know quite a few government people we can inform of the poor service here, as well."

Todd blanched. "Please…don't sacrifice me to her wrath! You don't know what she's like! The moment I report back, she'll l start screaming…and let me tell you, her screaming can kill a man. It's just not natural, the noises she makes. I can feel my brain boiling even now!"

"Sorry, Todd…not our problem," Jack said ruthlessly. He shut the door on the young man.

"That was a bit cruel, even for you," Ianto commented, as Jack climbed back into bed.

"Sometimes you have to be a bit cruel," he commented. "Now, come here…we have until tomorrow night, and I plan on using every minute of it."

*****

Six months later…

The pair of them climbed the hill outside of Cardiff….well, Jack climbed, Ianto more like waddled. His ankles were swollen and he was feeling distinctly put out that they'd had to come this far out of the city to catch their cruise ship.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" he groused as Jack pulled him along.

"Sure! We can take a little trip around the galaxy, and be back here in time for Martha to deliver the baby. It'll be fun!"

"Like it was fun staying at the Hilton?"

"Hey…how was I supposed to know that Paris Hilton would take over like that? And it wasn't all bad…"

"True," Ianto conceded. "Just the chanting employees were a bit weird."

"Just be glad it was Paris making them do that, and not some sort of alien menace."

"I'm not entirely sure she isn't an alien menace herself, to be honest."

"Nah…although I never did get to ask her what was up with all that pink. She looked like a walking cotton candy."

"What about this cruise ship? With how our vacations seem to go, it's probably named Titanic or something…."

"Titanic was several Christmases ago; almost slammed into Buckingham Palace. No, this ship is just a boring cruise liner."

"Good." Ianto watched as Jack messed a bit with his Vortex Manipulator. "You have the tickets and such?"

The captain patted the pocket of his greatcoat. "I do. You made sure you packed everything?"

Ianto rolled his eyes. "Of course I did." He indicated the bags that Jack had hauled up from the car. "We have everything we'll need. I even packed the modeling clay."

Jack's eyes darkened a bit. "Never knew that that could be so much a damned turn-on…"

"To you, pretty much everything is a turn-on."

"Well, not everything…." The Manipulator made a beeping sound. "Our ship is just coming into range."

"Good. You know, you never did tell me the name of it."

"I didn't?" Jack grabbed the bags, and then Ianto's hand. "I can't exactly remember the name…might be something like the Lusitania…"

Ianto's eyes widened as they began to fade from the hillside. "Wait…the Lusitania was sunk…"

"Just a fluke," came Jack's cheerful voice. "Relax and enjoy it…"

Ianto couldn't help but think those were famous last words…