This is a Mara-centered humor ficlet, inspired by Bridezillas. I'm not sure how many posts it will be at this time, but probably only two or three. Mara fans, please do not kill me. - (Also, it is unbetaed, because Jedi-2B is very busy.)
The SithBride of Coruscant – L/M H/L – undoubtedly AU
Mara Jade stalked into Leia and Han Solo's private apartment, shutting the outer door with the Force using such strength that it rattled the window panes. While Han gave a startled jump, Leia only looked up calmly from her morning cup of caffe at her future sister-in-law's dramatic appearance. "Hello, Mara."
"Get up on the wrong side of the galaxy this morning, Jade?" Han added with a bit more bravado than he felt.
"Did either of you submit my name to those… those…. cretins?" Mara asked without preamble.
Han shrugged. "I know an awful lot of cretins. Can you be more specific?"
The furious red-head marched up to the table, slamming a small message disk down. "The cretins that holo-record the low-life, worthless, trashy holo-show called 'SithBrides'… those cretins!"
Leia and Han exchanged a bemused look. "Huh?" Han asked.
"Wait," Leia said suddenly. "Is that the show where those really nasty ladies make life miserable for their families and their unsuspecting wedding party before they get married?"
"Yes!" Mara shouted in disgust.
"I had no idea you watched those kinds of shows, Princess," Han remarked. "Was that show your inspiration for the whole Hapan event?"
Leia glared at her husband. "No, but it should have been. And I do not watch that show, but I see the holo-ads for it all the time. Jaina nags at me to allow her to watch it, but I refuse to allow her to fill her mind with such garbage."
Han cleared his throat and looked down at the table-top. "Maybe I ought to go see if Chewie needs some help working on the Falcon."
"You're not going anywhere," Leia snapped. "Have you allowed our daughter to watch that show?"
"I had no idea what it was about," Han mumbled, still looking down at the table. "It's not my fault."
"So, getting back to the real subject - neither of you sent my name in to them for consideration?" Mara questioned intently.
"No, I wouldn't do that," Han replied defensively. "Like I said, I had no clue what it was all about."
"I wouldn't do that to you," Leia assured Mara.
"Maybe it was Jaina," Han mused aloud.
"Well, it was just a passing thought," Han said hurriedly. "If I were you, I'd check out Wes Janson's alibi. Or maybe Lando's."
"Wes is a good possibility," Leia stated, picking up the disk Mara had brought with her. "What does this say?"
"The producers of this show will foot the entire cost of my wedding if I allow them to holo-record the events leading up to my wedding, like picking out my dress and the rehearsal dinner and all that."
"That sounds like a good deal to me," Leia said. "Weddings cost a fortune. What's the catch?"
"I have to terrorize everyone around me, constantly."
"Isn't that right up your line of work?" Han said without thinking. Seeing Mara's grim expression, he added, "It was, wasn't it?"
"Han," Leia said in a warning tone. "Apologize before you end up on sleeping on the sofa tonight."
"Sorry," he murmured.
"Luke thought this was all really funny," Mara muttered. "At least he did until I threatened him with my lightsaber."
Leia gave a snort of laughter. "My turn – sorry!"
"If - I mean when - I find out who is responsible for this joke, I'm going to be doing more than just threatening them. If it's Janson, he'd better start running now."
Leia regarded the disk thoughtfully. "But still… a free wedding. Free is good."
"Are you kidding me?" Mara shot back. "Have you ever seen the show? I'd look like Darth Jade. Everyone would be feeling sorry for poor, innocent Luke having to spend the rest of his life with a nasty, nasty …." Mara trailed off, trying to think of an appropriate word.
"Former assassin?" Han offered.
Mara's green eyes narrowed. "Are you telling me I qualify as a SithBride?"
"No," Han said, wincing as Leia gave his calf a swift and painful kick under the table. Undeterred, he plunged ahead, "Look at it this way. Everyone in the galaxy already thinks those things about you, anyway. So what will it hurt to play along and let those idiots foot the bill? Just make sure you tally up some sizable costs, and don't cut corners. I'd suggest you have a huge drink budget, and make sure you have lots and lots of Whyren's Reserve."
"It's always about you, isn't it Solo?"
"Yeah, but I don't usually like to brag about it, though."
The buzzer on the door sounded, and Leia went to answer, sensing it was her brother before she opened the door. "Hello, Luke. I suppose you're here to see Mara."
Luke's face lit up upon seeing his fiancée, and he gave her a quick kiss. "I have some good news about the wedding reception hall you wanted to rent and some bad news."
"Go on," Mara said with a nod.
"It's available, but the rental fee is out of our budget," Luke said. "Unless we cut down on the reception costs."
"No!" Han objected. "You can't do that."
Seeing Luke's confused expression, Mara said, "Solo wants an unlimited supply of expensive booze."
"We have a budget, Han," Luke tried to point out.
"You wouldn't have to have one," Han grumbled, taking the disk from his wife and waving it under Luke's nose. "Just convince Mara to go along with SithBrides, and everything you want is yours. It's almost as magical as that Force-stuff."
Luke gave Mara a look of dismay. "Why'd you have to tell them? Especially Han!"
"Hey" Han objected. "What's wrong with telling me?"
"We're not lowering ourselves to do such a demeaning show," Luke explained patiently. "No matter what they're willing to pay us."
Leia walked over to a desk, and picked up a glossy photo-flimsy that Mara had left behind the other night. "You could buy your dream wedding gown," Leia said, thrusting the flimsy at Mara. "The one that costs as much as your first ship."
Mara took the flimsy and gazed longingly at the most gorgeous, glittering gown she'd ever seen. "I could, couldn't I?"
"Whose side are you on?" Luke shouted at his sister. Appalled, the Jedi snatched the flimsy from Mara's grasp. "No! No, no and no! I forbid you to even think about it!"
Upon seeing the deadly expression on the former assassin's face, both Han and Leia took a quick step back, wanting to get out of the danger zone.
"Forbid?" Mara said the word softly, then repeated it a bit louder, "Forbid?" Then she screamed the word, "FORBID?" She whipped her head back and forth before turning her glare at Luke. "Is there someone in this room you are talking to that I can't see? Perhaps some Force-ghost friend, Skywalker?"
"So you are talking to me?!"
"I… I didn't mean it that way, Mara," Luke stuttered back. "I thought we'd already discussed this matter, and we were in agreement."
"That was before!"
"Before you tried running my life, and giving me orders, and forbidding me to do things," Mara yelled. "I'm calling this producer, and I'm signing their contract. I want that dress and I want that reception hall, and I want a hundred cases of Whyren's Reserve, too!"
"Go, Mara," Han said, nodding in approval.
"Shut up, Solo," Mara snapped. "This has nothing to do with your wanton desires to get drunk at my wedding. It has everything to do with what I want." She spun around to face a shocked Luke, shaking her finger in his face. "And you'd better not do anything to stop me, either." With those words, Mara Jade stormed out of the apartment, leaving the three in stunned silence.
After a moment, Han finally spoke, "And there goes the latest SithBride – Darth Jade."
"Shut up, Han," Luke warned. "This is all your fault."
"It is not," Han argued back. "Leia showed her the picture of the dress."
"True," Luke agreed. "You're both on my kriff list." Then, like Mara had a few moments earlier, he slammed out of the apartment.
"You're sleeping on the sofa, Solo," Leia told her husband.