A/n: The usual disclaimers apply
A/n: The usual disclaimers apply
Chances are, this idea isn't completely original (I haven't read any of the other stories in this fandom, so I don't know) but I don't care. This is simply a lighthearted humorous look at what would happen if Altair got sick my unintentional abuse. And I call myself a gamer. For shame.
(and yes, the narrating chararcter is a self insert. Don't bother trying to cry "mary sue", because that's non applicable in this situation)
The lights from the screen lit up the dark room, a black Xbox 360 console hummed with activity, and a condescending brown cat slept on the couch as I sat in my gaming chair (aka, my bean bag) and furiously mashed the buttons on the controller.
"No, jump, dodge, hit him, oh my god why the hell are you so slow you piece of shit!" I yelled rapidly at the screen, "Freaking guards, why are there so damn many of you?"
The white-hooded man on the screen turned sluggishly to counter attack a guard, just in time, but was too slow to avoid the other three right behind him.
"God damn it!" I yelled.
A good minute of chain-swearing later, I sighed dejectedly at the loading screen.
"Stupid assassin! Why do you have to bloody die all the time! And where the hell do all the guards come from? It's like they're all hanging out together in some stupid guard club or something." I remarked, talking to myself as usual. My whole family was out god-knows-where. I don't usually pay attention to stuff like that.
Finally, the blue flashing background faded and the assassin reappeared on the dimly lit rooftop. "About bloody time,"
I could've sworn Altair glanced at me at that moment. But I was probably just imagining things.
"Ok, now to climb up to that other rooftop, and jump onto the roof of the church. This should be easy," I pushed the appropriate buttons on the Xbox controller, pressing forward on the d-pad and holding the right trigger while pressing X to climb up the ladder and jump faster.
After a few frustrating attempts and random jumping off the ladder and starting again, I finally got him up there.
"And now time to jump," I used the same combo of buttons and forced him off the roof.
He didn't even make it half way to the church.
Needless to say, falling 50 feet was another instant kill.
"God damn it!" I swore, tempted to hurl my controller at the TV. Even the Wii never gave me this much stress. They picked the wrong control to attach a wrist strap.
The condescending voice of the Animus lady kindly reminded me that I could distract guards by stealth killing someone, or pushing them off a roof. Yes, very helpful. Exactly why I had just died.
A few more annoying moments passed and the loading screen cleared. But this time, it wasn't what I expected.
"That's it, I can't take this anymore," a voice which sounded strangely like an angry version of Altair announced. Except that Altair or Desmond never sounded angry. They never seemed to have any emotion at all.
"You are a moron," the voice replied again. I stared disbelievingly at the screen. Altair had turned around (on his own accord) and was pointing his finger at me accusingly. This couldn't be happening, right?
"What the hell is the matter with you? Yes, I'm talking to you, in the bean bag. Don't pretend like you can't hear me," He lectured me further.
I was stunned. I couldn't physically move.
"What's with you trying to make me fucking jump a 30 metre gap? It's fucking 30 metres! No one can jump that far. Are you an idiot?"
I can honestly say I've never had this happen to me before in my life. Like, ever.
"And with guards, god, could you be less obvious? Why do you make me kill guards right in front of other guards? Of course it's going to attract attention. Are you retarded, you stupid bitch?"
Finally, I regained my voice. "What the hell is going on?"
"You want to know what's going on? I'll tell you what's going on. I'm sick of you and your shitty orders. You're totally incompetent, and have no appreciation for how difficult all this shit is. None what so ever."
"…but all I do is press X to jump…"
Altair groaned in frustration. "No, you're not getting it. I guess I'll have to show you what this is like," and with those words, he leapt at me.
After he amazingly managed to stop the camera's fixation on him, and he disappeared from the screen, I thought he was gone for good. But how? And where? And why the hell was I talking to a video game character?
But my thoughts were interrupted as a pair of hands suddenly gripped the bottom of my TV screen, and the assassin pulled himself into my living room.
"What the – how the hell did you do that?" I asked, dropping the controller in surprise.
"You're coming with me," he replied, grabbing the front of my shirt and pulling me along.
"Wait! How is this happening!?" I cried, as he pushed me into the TV. I closed my eyes and braced myself to crash painfully into the glass and plastic picture box, but instead landed with a thud on a sandy concrete surface. My eyes flew open and I realised I wasn't in Kansas - I mean, my living room, anymore.
A set of lighter thuds landed next to me. I looked up. There stood Altair, looking pretty pleased with himself.
"Now you're going to learn just how hard my life is, missy," he said smugly.
I leapt to my feet and shoved the tall (but only a bit taller than me) man. "What the hell is this? You're not real! Is this some sort of abusive dream? Did I get drunk and fall asleep without knowing it? Tell me! I want answers!" I demanded.
Altair just shrugged. "Your guess is as good as mine. I don't know how this place works. It just is,"
His answer wasn't very helpful. "This has got to be some sort of weird dream," I sighed.
"Well, do you usually dream about me?" He replied, unhelpfully.
I glared at him. He didn't seem this smug in the game. And wether or not I regularly dreamt about the ruggedly handsome assassin was completely irrelevant.
I suddenly noticed something strange with the sky. "What the hell is that?" I asked. It was like a large window…showing my empty living room. My cat yawned obliviously from the couch and rolled over.
"That's your house, isn't it?" Altair replied.
"Yes, I can see that. But what is it doing there?" I asked.
"You didn't think the whole camera thing was only one-way, did you?"
"So you could see me the whole time?"
"But, doesn't everyone notice the bloody great window hanging in the sky? Don't they think it strange?" I asked, gesturing to the people mulling around on the ground below us.
"No, they can't see it. Only I can…and, I guess, you. Which is probably because you're from the other side,"
"So you could come into the real world all this time?"
Altair shrugged. "I don't know. I never tried it. Until you pissed me off enough to try, that is. Bitch,"
My head was still reeling with all the new information. Just trying to comprehend that I was in a video game was giving me a headache. So I decided not to think about it.
My clothes felt heavier. I looked and realised, I wasn't wearing my normal clothes.
"Ok, what's up with the robe?" I asked, tugging at the leather belt, which I realised held a knife.
"Well, we can't have you running around Jerusalem looking like an outsider," Altair replied.
"So, I'm dressed like an assassin?"
"And you're probably the first female to do so. You should be honoured." He assured me.
"There are few others I'm not sure about. They could just be men with effeminate voices. I don't get to see their faces. Or other body parts." He explained.
I rolled my eyes. "Ok, but how did I get in these clothes. You didn't knock me out and undress me at any point, did you?"
Altair laughed. "Of course not. Don't be ridiculous. It was probably magic."
"Right. Magic. Because that's way more believable."
"Probably the same magic that's enabled you to enter a video game,"
"…I suppose you have a point," I replied.
"Of course I do. I have many points. I'm an assassin," he replied, extending the hidden blade from his wrist-cuff in emphasis.
I sighed. I'd had no idea he was such a fan of bad puns. "You know, you're very different to how you are in the cut scenes,"
"Yes well, we can't all be 'on' all the time. Speaking of which, I've got to get back to the mission. Come on,"
"Wait, I'm not going anywhere," I replied stubbornly.
"Yes you are, or would you rather just roam this misogynistic assassin-hating city on your own?" he suggested.
"…ok then, let's go,"
Part 2 on it's way. I hope you enjoyed my attempts at humour (spelled with a U, as it's supposed to be). XD
R&R If you wish.