Disclaimer: Deadpool (obviously) officially belongs to Marvel Comics, as do any of the other licensed characters that may or may not necessarily appear through the course of this not-for-monetary-profit amateur work of fiction.
Deadpool's Note: Ha, ha! I've hijacked the author's note! What do they usually say in these things? Whatever, I guess I'll do what I always do… give you a synopsis! Last time, on Deadpool's Awesome Fanfiction, I told some guy that he was a n00b, which in turn resulted in the saving of some chick who I thought was Gwen Stacey resurrected from dead (not as a zombie, which would have been much more interesting), but instead turned out to be, oh-what-do-ya-call em… oh yeah, a Mary Sue who totally wants to get in my pants.
Did I miss anything? Nope, that should be it. If there was anything important I didn't mention, then you should hit the back button and read it again. If your browser doesn't let you, then GET WITH THE PROGRAM ALREADY AND DOWNLOAD FIREFOX!
She sat on the couch across from him, watching as he determinedly struck the keys of her laptop with both of his index fingers. If she had to guess, it was concentration that was barely showing through his mask, his brow line coming down over the eyeholes and his pursed lips pushing against the red fabric. Gwendolyn Robinson sighed, secretly wishing she were the screen of the laptop that he was so fixated on.
"Author's note, done!" he announced, his victorious chime making her smile. Deadpool clicked and browsed for some moments before letting his shoulders sag and his jaw tighten. "Can you believe this!? Completely out of character!"
"What is?" she asked.
Finally, he looked up away from the screen, the white eyeholes of his mask wide. "Hermione, with Draco!? Of all the blasphemous pairings to write about! And can someone tell me what the hell 'Slash' and 'Lemon' mean!?"
Her curiosity genuinely piqued, she stood and joined him on the other couch, peering at the screen with disgust immediately twisting her innocent features. "Why would you read a story about someone's made-up Harry Potter character? That seems like a silly concept. I read the Harry Potter books for J.K Rowling's writing, not anyone else's…"
Deadpool stared back at her as she scrolled down the list of links and summaries, biting down on his bottom lip. The pot calling the kettle a Mary Sue, La-La La-La Laaa! He sang in his mind. "Here, let me see that for a second." As he reached for the laptop, she turned, holding it out of his reach. "Come on, there's nothing appealing about Snape having sex with Dumbledore!"
"That's not what I'm reading!" she insisted.
"Suuuuuure…." The struggle continued, Deadpool leaning across her lap to reach for the computer, deliberately pretending he couldn't reach it for about two or three minutes before stretching across and finally taking it off her hands.
"All right, I stand corrected," he admitted, "though a Fred/George twincest fic? Tsk, tsk, tsk, Gwen. I would've figured you for a classier kind of girl." The two-thousand dollar machine back in his possession, he continued his search.
You know what, screw Firefox. Safari kicks ass.
You shouldn't be such an IE hater. Windows 7 just came out, you know.
Now I really miss the yellow boxes.
"Oh that's cool, Marvel Zombies has its own category."
Gwen leaned forward, squinting at the screen once more with golden eyes. "Marvel what?"
Gwen was not rewarded with an explanation. Deadpool hastily pushed the laptop back onto the coffee table as if it were contaminated by some vile disease, the mercenary pointing with a gloved finger at that which assaulted his senses. "No! Keep it away!"
The young blonde woman turned with alarmed eyes as the mercenary jumped behind the couch to distance himself, a 9mm pointed threateningly at the computer. "What is it, Wade? Why do you have a gun!?"
Deadpool swiftly turned to her, waving the firearm above his head. "Because I like shooting things! And as for the answer to your first question…"
Gwendolyn raised herself, sitting up higher to look over the back of the couch as Deadpool dropped to his knees, his arms reaching for the ceiling as he let out a pained cry to the heavens that lay beyond her Fifth Avenue apartment building.
"…all the fics about me SUCK!!!"
His cry was so heart-wrenching, so pained, that Gwen wanted nothing more than to leap over the couch and take him in her arms, cradle him until his despair melted away. Seeing as the handgun was still in his right hand, his index finger pressed against the trigger and ready to shoot her ceiling if need be, she instead decided to inspect the source of his ire. Gwen pulled the laptop towards herself, scrolling the list of links on a page titled, 'Deadpool Fanfiction.'
"So… people are writing stories about you?" she questioned. "I'm not sure I understand… Do you know them?" The mercenary failed to answer, and so Gwen continued to search. Sometimes the newspapers printed stories about Deadpool's involvement in the occasional world crisis, but she wondered why strangers would write about a mercenary's adventures if they themselves weren't there to witness them, and then label them as fanfiction, like the ones she read about Harry Potter and-,
"This isn't so bad," she offered. "Look, this one is actually a little creative. It's a crossover with Twilight."
Gwen yelped as the space next to her suddenly exploded with movement, Deadpool leaping over the couch and landing on his knees, his nose inches from the computer screen. Any closer and the screen would be pushed back flat.
"Umm… I take it you're a fan?"
The gunshot that rang against her eardrums made her scream and duck away from the exploding bits of metal of plastic that showered the living room. When Gwen opened her eyes, her laptop was a smoking heap on a charred coffee table, what was left of the screen emitting tiny sparks as Deadpool stood over it triumphantly, his weapon still pointed at the rubble. He fired two more shots for good measure, the bullets digging into the oak and sending splinters flying about with more of the busted computer parts. When he was finished, the mercenary holstered the gun and turned towards the trembling blonde. She wasn't sure how she could tell, but she was certain that a malicious grin was what was showing behind the layer of red and black fabric.
"Pack your sexiest nighties, Gwen. We're goin' to Washington."
Are we sure about this? Bashing Twilight this early in the story?
It's never too early to bash Twilight. Besides, there are terrible wrongs that must be made right.
Like the part of that fic when they made you a shiny, sparkly wannabe vampire?
This isn't just about me! This is the fate of the world that we're talking about!
Well, seeing as this is probably the only time we'll actually be concerned about the fate of the world, you might want to keep your eye on the road.
"Oh, my god! Wade, the tree!"
Eighteen tires screeched against the asphalt as Deadpool swerved out of the path of several incoming cars. As he delighted in the sudden high-speed maneuver, Gwendolyn in the passenger seat was thrown unceremoniously against the passenger side door. Laughing, he pulled on the horn that bellowed back at the other honking cars.
"You're gonna get us killed!" she protested.
"Don't get your panties in a twist, Crayola," he replied.
Gwen blinked, her green eyes becoming purple again. "What did you just call me?"
"That's your new X-Men name. Like it?"
She frowned a bit, her gaze finding the passing view on the passenger side window. "I don't know… I never did tell you what my power was, did I?"
He looked at her, asking, "Your eyes change colors, don't they?"
"What? No, that's not my power. My eyes are cerulean."
Cerulean… that's orange right?
I could've sworn it was a synonym for maroon.
"Anyway, I've been meaning to ask," said Gwen. "Was it really necessary for you to steal an eighteen-wheeler? And why are you dragging me to Washington?"
Deadpool cleared his throat before sitting up straight. "You see, Gwen, before that page break up there, I learned that some of my fans have a bit of a misguided understanding as to my homicidal, yet still lovable character. I'm off to a little place called Forks to make sure that mistakes like that are never repeated again, not with me, not with Commodore Norrington, not with Sasuke, not anyone, ever again."
"Forks, Washington? Like the book?" Gwen scratched her head. "I still don't understand how I fit into things."
"Well, I can't exactly go unarmed in prime Canon Sue territory," Deadpool replied, his tone sounding as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "With you there I won't feel so vulnerable!"
"I don't understand."
"In time my young apprentice," said the mercenary, patting Gwen gently on the head. The college student sat back and sighed. She had essentially been kidnapped by the man if she chose to think of it that way. After shooting her laptop, the police were called, and before she knew it, Deadpool had dragged her out of the building and towards a parked eighteen-wheeler with McDonalds advertised on its sides. Two men were unloading the truck before Deadpool shot their kneecaps and took off with it and her. Gwen wanted to protest, horrified by his actions, but kept silent by her fascination of him. He had just shot two people without thinking about it, but Gwen could not say no to the man who saved her life back in that alley, the masked man who understood her when no one else in her life could.
Gwen allowed herself a smile. He said he needed her, that without her he felt vulnerable against whatever it was that he was going to confront in Forks, where one of her favorite novels happened to take place. A man that strong and mysterious, who could take care of himself in probably any dangerous situation… it meant that he thought she was special and he trusted her.
"…the wheels on the truck go round and round, round and round…"
Gwen sighed and closed her eyes, letting herself drift off into sleep. A truck ride from New York to Washington State was a long one, after all.
"Hey, wake up! That was a page break!"
Gwen had barely rubbed the sleep out of her eyes by the time Wade opened the door on her side and practically dragged her out of the semi. By some miracle she hadn't tumbled out of the truck, and for some time she only registered hurrying after him as the mercenary pulled her to some unknown destination.
"Do you even know where you're going, Wade?" she asked, finally registering the drizzling rain and the dreary landscape. They hurried down an empty street under gray skies, that kind of truck-stop town most people tended to pass on their way to a vacation spot. A general store on the right, a town hall somewhere to the left… the town itself was of little interest, even if it was the real life location of the novel.
Deadpool stopped in the middle of the street. "Not really, to tell you the truth." His hand above his eyes, he began to peer around the quiet neighborhood. "I'm kind of disappointed. I was expecting the sparkly douche bags to be everywhere!"
Gwen frowned. "Don't call them that, Wade."
The eyeholes of his mask seemed to narrow, the fabric imprint of his brow coming down in an irritated sort of expression. Then he asked, "You read the books right? If you really wanted Sexy Dracula to come here, what would you do?"
Gwendolyn worried her upper lip. Over forty hours on the road only for Wade to ask how to attract fictional vampires in the town they happened to be based in? She sighed, wishing they had come to take a tour of the town instead. She would rather see if the high school described in the book actually existed, or the rumored red truck on display for fans of the series.
"I guess if you were bleeding a lot, Edward or Alice or someone would smell it… but what are you getting at anyway?" Suddenly the girl cried out as the mercenary produced a butterfly knife and flipped it open, only to slice it across his abdomen. Blood spilled out, rapidly dripping onto the concrete, but then just as quickly ceased. Deadpool waited for some moments before repeating the action, this time driving the blade deeper into his body. Gwen whimpered and shook his arm, crying, "Stop it, will you?!"
The mercenary shook her off of him. "What? You said they could smell blood! How else am I supposed to get them to come eat me?"
"Eat y-… Wade, it's a book! A movie! Besides, they're vegetarians. They've sworn off human blood."
"Vegetarians? Oh, that's just gay."
Gwen took a step back and crossed her arms over her chest. "No it isn't! It's noble! They have consideration for human lives! Edward and the Cullens aren't traditional vampires!"
Deadpool groaned and palmed his forehead. "You know, I really hate it when people say that. There are plenty of vampires in the world and they all say they're special too, different from each other in every single way. Well, you know what, piss on that! There's no such thing as a traditional vampire, because no one ever wants to admit that the object of their all their sexual fantasies can be violated by Blade's pointy stick-knife. Damn it, I wish I hadn't deleted that dude's cell phone number…"
You never had Blade's cell phone number.
Why do you always gotta piss on our dreams, man?
"You don't know anything about us."
Deadpool turned at the sound of the foreign voice, a serious tone lined with a quality that Gwen beside him would probably mistake for sensuality. Pale skin, like marble, covered high cheekbones and angular features. That description is straight from the Wiki, thought the mercenary. With the head of messy dirty blonde hair and yellow eyes, Deadpool's mind saw a tall koala bear with a bronze fluff on its head.
With scary eyebrows.
I think it might eat us.
Wasn't that the idea?
Well, like… Kirby-style eating. That's scary.
Maybe he's a Pokémon?
Deadpool's hands instinctively caught a slender body. Sighing, he stood Gwen back up right, brushed off her shoulder, and said, "Maybe you should sit before you start salivating, Crayola."
For once, her face, and not her eyes changed color. "I'm not salivating!"
The newcomer's eyes, on the other hand, had. The butterfly knife still lodged in Deadpool's abdomen, the self-inflicted wound slowly continued to leak blood. The man approached, his topaz eyes growing darker while Gwen's cheeks became a brighter shade of red. Wade looked down, muttering, "Oh, right," and pulled the blade out of his body without hesitation. The man stopped, his dark glare receding and his eyes returning to their light shade with the same efficiency Deadpool had witnessed in Gwen's. The deep cut instantly closed up, threads of skin melding effortlessly back together, giving the mercenary a slight tingling sensation under the affected flesh.
"So you're Edward Colon, right?"
"Cullen!" shouted Gwen indignantly.
"That's what I said," he replied. "Colon."
"Who are you?" Edward demanded, his stance becoming stiff and defensive. "You don't have any business with us."
"As a matter of fact, Sexy Dracula, yes I do," Deadpool pointed out, unsheathing one of the katana swords from his back. "You need to get the hell out of my fanfiction. I don't appreciate unrealistic crossovers this early in the story."
"Wade, leave him alone! No one has any idea what you're talking about anyway!"
Deadpool sighed and turned to look at his companion, only for his eyes to bulge at the sight of her. "Crayola, what the hell!?"
Gwendolyn Robinson, who had been blonde when Deadpool first met her, was now a brunette, her curls now completely straightened and reaching her waist instead of her shoulders. Her "cerulean" eyes now a plain brown, Deadpool scratched his head in confusion, muttering, "Shape-shifter. Whatever," before turning his attention back to Edward.
"I'm not a shape-shifter," she commented, though Deadpool made no attempt to respond. Just as the mercenary opened his mouth to address Edward, the pale teenage-looking man rushed forward, past Deadpool, stopping to grasp Gwen by the shoulders.
You gotta be kidding me.
Behold, plot-device #2.
"Hey!" Deadpool protested.
Realizing his mistake, Edward released Gwen's shoulders. Shaking his head, he uttered, "My apologies."
"That's okay," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Dude! Are you stupid? She was blonde just a second ago!"
Edward's attention found the mercenary once again, his glare bright and furious. "If I had to guess… I'd say you were using this girl to trick me… made her appearance change to resemble Bella."
"Sure, let's go with that." Deadpool raised his sword and waved it about impatiently. "Come on, let's fight! I don't have all chapter, you know!"
"Well, it didn't work," said Edward, as if he had not heard him. "Bella is safe, and I won't let you take her."
"Dude, I don't even know who that is," Deadpool admitted with a shrug. "All I know is that you keep getting crossovers and they all suck. So let me kick your ass already so I can get on with the good parts of this fic. Like the sex scenes, for instance."
How do we even know there's gonna be any sex scenes in this?
Rating is T. You never know.
Edward's thick black eyebrows furrowed, his expression looking irritated as he considered the mercenary's explanation. "It seems that regardless of your current intentions, you are still a danger to Bella." Rolling up the sleeves of his gray sweater, he exclaimed, "Leave this place, now, and I might let you live."
Grinning under his mask, Deadpool retrieved his pistol and shot it point blank at the pseudo-vampire. Edward flew back, his body skidding across the concrete as the sound of the gunshot rang and echoed against the buildings.
"Edward!" Gwen cried, running past Deadpool and to the other man's aid.
"Hey!" Deadpool called out. "What happened to my support system?" The merc pretended to wipe a tear from his eye as Edward brought himself back to his feet. "Note to self: Mary Sues have a 'run-off-with-the-prettier-dick' policy."
"I'm all right," Edward assured as he brushed off his clothes. "You might want to stand back, Bella."
A dark look crossed Gwen's face, but she said nothing as she did what Edward suggested, taking many steps back to clear herself from the two opponents. Deadpool couldn't hold back his snicker.
"What did you expect, Crayola?" he asked.
Allowing herself an indignant huff, she addressed the both of them: "My name is Gwen."
Deadpool readied his katana again, ready to charge against the fake vampire – after all, it was daylight and the guy hadn't burnt to a crisp yet – but Edward turned to Gwen, yet again, looking apologetic.
"Once again, I am sorry. You just… look so much like her, and I can't read your mind either."
The mercenary's stance deflated, his shoulders sagging in defeat as he sighed. "Jeez, this chapter is never gonna end."
Gwen's eyes filled with delight, she trotted back to Edward. "Really? Wow! I mean, I know you can read people's thoughts. Everyone's except Bella's."
"That's correct," Edward replied, looking down at her with fascination. "You're the second person in over a hundred years with that same ability."
"Big fucking deal!" Deadpool shouted. "You can't read my thoughts either!"
But the two continued their conversation, apparently not hearing him. "So, where is she, Edward?" Gwen asked. "Where's Bella?"
Edward sighed, turning his face to avoid her gaze. "She's… I had to leave her. To protect her."
Deadpool groaned. "That makes no sense!"
Gwen glared at the mercenary. "Hush! I'm trying to listen to him."
To Edward's credit, he turned to Deadpool and asked, "Why?"
Deadpool palmed his forehead. "The beginning of this scene started with you appearing to protect her. We've established in the story that you're here to physically protect her from bodily harm, and yet you're leaving her to protect her. How does that make any sense? If you can't be with someone, you can't physically be around them to protect them. Please tell me this isn't what's written in the actual book…"
"You haven't even read it, Wade! Don't make judgments!"
The gunshot rang out as Gwen was penetrated by the bullet. She flew back further than Edward had, to Deadpool's amusement, and when she was lifeless on the ground, the other man screamed, "BELLA!"
"Do you have down-syndrome or something?"
Edward rushed at him, leaping across the distance in a single jump. Deadpool holstered the gun and with both katanas sliced at the airborne vampire of sorts. Ribbons of blood sprayed Deadpool as Edward was pushed back, his form collapsing onto the street for only a moment before he recovered.
"Why are you doing this!?" Edward demanded, holding the wounds across his chest as best he could. He couldn't become paler than he already was, but if he could, Deadpool imagined he would have turned into a pile of white out.
"Because I need to bring actual sense to this fandom, so I can get on with my life, and see if there are any sex scenes in the next chapter." Deadpool answered. "You know what? Let me show you something about your Canon Sue girlfriend. Do you have a cell phone on you?"
"I won't let you bring her into this!"
"Look, I get that you're really devoted, and possessive, and a stalker, and a Sexy Dracula – scratch that – Sexy Dracula wannabe, but deep down, you're not that bad. You're just the product of bad writing. If the Oscar Meyer wiener allowed you to actually be yourself, you would actually get laid before the book, and your movies would make more money than the Dark Knight because they were actually good. Do you even know what Twat-Waffle's favorite color is?"
"Oh, I mean, Bella," said Deadpool. "Get the cell phone and call her and ask."
Edward didn't have to listen to the insane man, but it occurred to him that Deadpool might be the distraction they were using to get to Bella, whoever it was that the mercenary worked for. Quickly he pulled out his cell phone and dialed for her house, hoping that her father wouldn't answer it and ask questions.
The cell phone pressed to his ear, Edward opened his mouth to speak once he heard Bella's voice, but the mercenary was suddenly next to him and snatched it from his hand.
"Hey, Oscar, uh, I mean, Stephanie," greeted Deadpool.
"Who is this?"
"Give the phone back to me, fool!" Edward reached out for the mercenary, and Deadpool jumped back, holding the cell phone away from the other man.
"Hey, come over here quick, Stephanie, because I'm about to kill your boyfriend."
Deadpool flipped the cell phone closed and then crushed it under his red boot. Edward growled and punched him, landing a blow to Deadpool's face. The mercenary stumbled back, and then stabbed at Edward with the unsheathed katana, catching him through the shoulder.
"Stay right there, I'm not gonna kill you yet. I have to show you something."
"She doesn't even know where to find us, idiot!" Edward shouted.
"Oh my god! Edward!"
Edward turned his head, his eyes wide in astonishment as Isabella Swan came running down the street towards them. Quickly, Deadpool kicked his victim down to the ground, and stabbed Edward through the heart, holding him in place on the pavement. "Pretend you're dead for a second, dude," he whispered. "Sorry, Stephanie, he's dead."
The girl was stunned, frozen in her place as she stared at Edward's motionless form, Deadpool's foot on top of his chest. She stood there for some moments, gawking at the scene with watery eyes before she silently turned, picked up the second katana Deadpool discarded when he took Edward's cell phone from him, and then in one swift motion impaled herself on it.
Deadpool took his foot off of Edward and looked down. Edward was silent, staring at Isabella's dead body in horror. "W-what…?"
"Yeah, your girlfriend is stupid." Taking the sword out of Edward's chest, he walked towards Bella and retrieved the second katana. "You pointed out she had no idea where to find us, and then before even checking to make sure you were actually dead, decided it was a good idea to kill herself. Umm… why are you in love with her again? I mean, it's not like she puts out. We've established that."
Edward dragged himself over to her, collapsing to his knees on the street beside her. "Why would she…"
"She already had it in mind," Deadpool explained. "At least, that's what the movie trailers have been saying… you break up with her and even though you've only been together for a few months decides she should just kill herself because you left her."
"Let me guess… you can't live without her." Grinning he moved to stand behind Edward, swinging both swords back. "Well, I'm here for you buddy. I really am."
Deadpool brought his arms down, the swift movement of the katana's slicing cleanly through Edward's neck. The man's head rolled, the decapitated body collapsing on to Bella's. The mercenary proceeded to cut off Edward's other limbs, humming a tune under his breath.
"Fanfiction checklist: Twilight crossover…done. Self-insert Mary Sue named Stephanie Oscar Meyer wiener… done. So much to do so little time." As Deadpool picked up the separate body parts, he wondered how a fake vampire would smell in a bon fire.
Deadpool's Note: Ooh! I can't wait for the reviews! Everybody's gonna try to cuss me out! Seeing as I've already hijacked the note, I've also decided to reply to reviews. Go ahead, give me your best shot!
Okay… I'm waiting. Jeez… how long does this take! And how come that Yaoi fic above mine has like three thousand reviews!?!?!