It's all in the (Chaotic) family
By Vyce Dryke
A Chaos Space Marine in familiar looking Black Power Armor with a crisp blood red trim is skulking about in front of a large two story house. Large about for about nine people or so. How convenient. This Chaos Space Marine, surprisingly alone, is one Lord Drake of the Black Draconis Chaos Space Marine Legion. One of the leaders and commanders of the Legion. The main cat, the cat's pajamas, the cat's knees, the fat cat, th-
"Shut up! I'm trying to think here!" bellows the Chaos Lord, glaring upwards, "Do you mind?"
Oh. I'm terribly sorry.
"And what's with you fascination with cats?"
I honestly have no idea.
"And it's the Bee's Knees for your information."
Right, can I continue?
"No, of course not. Why did I sign up for this reality show? All I've done so far is wait, wait, wait, and wait some more in front of this brick house... Thing," Lord Drake rants, "No cultist, no Dragonspit, no Tlanextic, and certainly no Chaos Dragons named Vyce. Accursed furries. This should be a vacation, like they said. I remember it like it was yesterday..."
Lord Drake pauses, nearly going cross-eyed as his vision blurs and goes fuzzy (Or maybe it was because he was going cross-eyed), and everything snaps back to normal with an interruption of-
"That's because it was yesterday, you moron," Comments a Female Dark Eldar, wearing a pink uniform and black trim, bearing the Heraldry of the Angels of Ecstasy, a Slaanesh Chaos Space Marine legion controlled by one Lord Corrack. Who can only be...
"Arafalas?" Drake says with a start, nearly jumping out of his armor, "What the hell are you doing here?"
"The same reason your here smarty. I'm representing my race for this show of sorts. Lord Corrack thought this would be hilarious." Arafalas says matter-of-factly
"Race? You mean The Confused?" The Chaos Lord asks with a snicker.
"No." sighs the Dark Eldar.
"No," This time Arafalas sounds irritated
"NO!" Shouts the furies femme dark eldar, twitching at the mere mention of the Silicates. A new race in the 40k, that, in its lack of grimdarkess, nearly destroyed everything after the Emperor fell, "I'm a Dark Eldar."
Lord Drake hmms, stares at Arafalas for a bit, looking a bit confused.
"You know... Eldar.. Slaanesh. Ring a bell?" Arafalas asks, twitching.
"I don't know what you re talking about. What are these Eldar? Do they bleed? I hope so. Maybe they're like those Protoss folk. I think they came first. Uhm. What's that one guy's name? You know.. god of war... something that Eldrad turned into..?"
"Khaine?" Arafalas offers.
"Oh! OH! THOSE ELDAR. Right. For some reason I was thinking of those guys with the pylons. I always hated that man who said I needed more pylons. There are never enough pylons." Drake muses, imagining himself smashing a pylon.
Arafalas sighs, this is the guy who is in charge of the legion that felled the Emperor? Maybe Tlanextic, Vyce, Dragonspit, and Rhuemwight should take more credit. They're the real brains behind the outfit. Well. If Rhuemwight was in one piece enough to have brains, and if Dragonspit wasn't consumed by Khorne. The Dragon and Tlanextic might be the real power in the operation. And they just removed Lord Drake from the picture temporarily. Arafalas shivers.
Drake seems lost in thought for a few more minutes, then perks up, "I totally knew that. So if I'm the rep for Chaos, and you re Dark Eldar.. Aren't there five other characters?"
"Aren't we ripping of-" Drake starts before getting cut off.
"No." states the female, impatient.
"It's less retarded than the other parody ideas-ow!" Arafalas growls, turns, and pulls her weapon out, as she had been shot by a Pulse Rifle. Her eyes narrow, and she recognizes his blue foe. Or specifically his blue, armor covered foe, sporting a red/black scheme, "Tau!"
"Dark Eldar witch! It's not retarded." snaps the Fire Warrior, his insignia identifying him as part of the Command Crew of the Mont'ukos.
"Well 'The Terror', I'll have to say it is. You re still a failed idea." Retorts Arafalas
"Just like Lord Drake Misadventures 2!" shouts Mont'au, raising his pulse rifle.
"Hey! I resent that! Mr. Battle Spoon!" Lord Drake growls, powering up his chainaxe.
There is a loud physic sigh as a webway gate appears and activates literally right behind Lord Drake, and out steps a familiar Wraith Lord. he crosses his arms and glares, if a Wraith Lord could glare, so he just psychicly glares at the collected group of misfits.
"You lot stop now or I'll find something to retcon, and it won't be pretty," Drones the New Arrival, the Webway gate vanishing as if it didn't exist. Lord Drake blinks and pokes at the space, before leaning on it and falling over, as the webway gate was simply... gone.
Arafalas bristles, "Itsu Karandas? what makes you special enough to get a cameo?"
"He's the only Eldar character with a name who isn't dead or female," Drake starts, smirking, "You used to be the only Eldar character Arafalas, and then you went all Dark Eldar and Slaanesh, listening to My Chemical Romance and Depeche Mode."
Arafalas snorts, "What? I don't listen to My Chemical Romance or Depeche Mode. I listen to Green Day."
"And that's better?" Drake retorts.
The Dark Eldar looks defeated, "No..." he sighs, then looks up to the sky with a glare, raising a gloved fist, "Wherever the hell you are Vyce, I hate you!"
Lord Drake rolls his eyes, "Technically you can blame Naso."
"Well if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here in the first place, and neither would Naso."
"There's no escape from Naso." Itsu states.
"Whatever. I'd rather have my job back at Khaine's Waffle House. The Bloody Handed god made wonderful waffles." the Dark Eldar mumbles, obviously thinking about waffles and death. And whatever else Dark Eldar mumble about, maybe Linkin Park lyrics.
Itsu speaks up, "So, any guesses on the others? I literally have no idea. Orks first?"
"Azog?" Drake asks.
"This one time, at band cam-" Arafalas starts, snickering
"No!" shouts Drake, Itsu, and Mont'au at the same time.
"Fine. I'll just go listen to Panic! At the Disco. In the corner. Alone." Arafalas says, although he's starting to get tired of the music jokes about him being emo. Except Dark Eldar aren't emo, they ended the Eldar Galactic Empire just by partying and forgetting it's always a bad idea to start a party and not Invite Slaanesh. Even if he didn't exist yet, just by not being invited he had to create himself and start tearing things apart, and then had a party by devouring souls. Khorne was invited, but the invitation was returned with a Chainaxe to the face. Nurgle was not invited, because he could cause some unwanted diseases, and Tzeentch couldn't be reached because he was busy writing up his master plan (That plan of his he's still working on after the 5209502395325th draft, that's ever changing and has changed so much even Tzeentch forgot what the original point was about).
"Hey, we have another story going on here, no need for a tangent!" Drake growls.
Mont'au speaks up, "McCarrick maybe?"
"I think one cameo is enough." Drake states.
"Space Marines?" Itsu continues.
"Hah, likely the Leader of the Black Dragons Space Marines, Captain Ezra!" says Drake, swearing he could hear him right now.
"If I had eyebrows, I'd be raising them."
"Let me fix that." Drake says, pulling out a permanent marker from out of nowhere, "Now hold still."
The Chaos Lord Advances, Itsu stands for a moment and Drake leaps, landing on the bulbous 'head' of the Wraithlord. Itsu tries to bat him off, but Drake makes big circles for eyes, and wavy eyebrows.
"You'd look good with a unibrow." says the Chaos Lord, starting to draw the eyebrow and almost connecting them.
"GET OFF ME!" bellows Itsu, finally grabbing Drake and tossing him aside, although the point was moot, the damage was done. Itsu sighs, if a Wraithlord could sigh, "You.. You moron. For starters, Ezra is dead."
Ezra taps the Itsu's wraithbone leg, "Actually, it was only a flesh wound."
Drake twitches, "I'll kill you again! AND MAKE SURE YOUR DEAD!" he pounces, and the two Space Marines wrestle, chainweapons roaring. Itsu shakes his 'head'.
"No no, this won't do. I'm sorry, I'm going to have to Retcon this."
"Who else would be then? Kleppie?" Arafalas protests.
"Absolutely not, he stole my Railgun!" complains Mont'au, "And my trousers, and my little dog too."
"Tau have dogs?" Itsu ponders, "Interesting, I don't think that's canon. I might have to retcon that. I'll let it slide for now, I love dogs."
"Eldar don't have dogs either." points out Mont'au
"What?" Itsu sounded surprised. He pulls out a dusty, large tome from nowhere, the spine reading 'Warhammer 40,000: 5th Edition'. He scribbles a few notes here and then, and then closes it, "They do now."
"Give me that!" Arafalas shouts, wanting the secrets of the universe and to give Space Marines only a 6+ armor save, and to give Dark Eldar a 1+ Invulnerable Armor save, and a miniature giant space hamster named Boo with enough firepower to eat a Baneblade. Unfortunately that would be a copyright violation and GW would have to step in with a Retcon hammer.
The two start fighting, Mont'au stands there, dumbfounded, "Uhm. Guys? What about the Tyranids? The Necrons? The Orks?" there is a distinct humming in the air, seeming to buzz with electricity. The tell-tale signs of a teleporting Monolith, "Guys. I hear the Necrons!"
The fighting stops, the outline of the Monolith appearing.
"It can't be!" exclaims the Eldar Wraithlord, staring in awe. If he had eyes, best he had was those marker ones.
"I bet it's just the Igloo Necrons," says Drake with a dismissing wave, "They're harmless."
"It could be worse," Itsu comments blandly.
Suddenly, the Monolith finishes translation. And out appears a Necron, his metal parts coated in purple, wearing a pimp hat, and wielding a pimp cane.
"Sup bitches," states the Necron, Lord Drake blinks, recognizing him.
"It's the Pimp Stalker!" Drake shouts.
"The... what?" The rest ask, confused.
"One of Naso's Necrons, the Slaaneshi Demon must have brought him here for the show as a representative!" Drake explains.
"Haha. 'fraid not fat cat." says the Necron, sounding a little disappointed
"Here we go with the cats again." Lord Drake says, rolling his eyes.
"Whatchu talking 'bout Willis?"
"Okay. Well cats and kittens, that's Haco's job, and since the Chaos slot is already taken, he's not here." says the Stalker, leaning on his ivory cane, "Actually, I have another reas-" The Pimp stalker begins before being interrupted by a shrill metallic voice.
"It's them! See? They slighted me, embarrassed me, and then dismantled my monolith!" whines a Necron Lord, this one snow white.
"What's that?" responds the stalker, eying the others, "Hell naw. that's downright rude of y'all.
"Actually..." Starts Arafalas.
"...To be honest..." Itsu continues.
Mont'au finishes, "...it was totally Lord Drake."
The Pimp Stalker warily stares at the Chaos Lord, "Boy. I ought to pimpslap you with my pimpcane. You don't see me tearing apart your shamtastic ride. Fo'shizzle." he taps his cane loudly on the ground, waggling it at Lord Drake, "Now I'll leave my distant cousin here, scheduled for some reality sho' or some bad cat business."
The Igloo Lord grumbles, and the Purple Stalker whacks him with his pimp cane. "Quit your bitchin' boy, this is for entertainment. And you can get some form of revenge or another. Or so I would hope, with yo' craziness. Bai bitches."
And with that the Pimp Stalker, and his fancy monolith, vanishes. The group still around stare, rather confused.
"Well this is going to be interesting..." mumbles Ezra, stepping back and trying with all his might not to pull his chainsword and kill the Xenos scum.
"Where's the camera crew to record all this?" ponders Arafalas, looking around. A Camera Drone uncloaks and chirps.
"Oh great. They're invisible, Tau, and... everywhere. Tau Commies." Shouts Lord Drake, trying to jump at the Drone. He fails and crashes into the ground, the Drone vanishing again.
"And.. they're everywhere," Comments Mont'au, "Pick them up on my scanners. Speaking of, they're telling us the others are going to be late and to start grabbing rooms and get comfy, we're going to be here for a while."
The group nod, promise not to kill each other for now and shuffle into the two story house....