Author's note: Please read the story description carefully. This is a parody and clearly labelled as such. Both book series are ridiculed in this story, with more emphasis on Twilight. If you think you're going to be offended, you're better off skipping it. Or, at least, don't pretend you weren't warned.
Edward was brooding. This was not an unusual state for him, despite his three year marriage to the most wonderful girl in the world. But today's brooding was special. He'd made the mistake—no, he'd been afforded the privilege, he reminded himself—of letting Bella choose where they would live next. She'd chosen a remote village in Scotland. The rumor was, there was a school for witchcraft nearby that normal humans couldn't see. Bella found the entire situation quaint and insisted they all make the place their home. They, meaning himself and Bella, their daughter and Jacob, who was still waiting impatiently for Renesmee to be old enough for him to marry. Or rip apart. Edward still wasn't convinced the shapeshifter wouldn't eventually kill their daughter. He'd thought of it once or twice. No matter. Edward would kill him first, even if he had to get around Bella's protection to do it. She couldn't shield him all the time.
That was what had finally driven Carlisle and the others away from them. Rosalie said she was sick of hearing Bella and Edward constantly having sex (she really had never gotten over her jealousy), but Alice had confessed to Bella the final straw was the resumed fighting between Edward and Jacob. She'd had a vision of Edward attempting a mind meld he'd seen on a TV show somewhere and Bella had taken to protecting Jacob every waking minute afterwards. Now she was looking for a change of scenery and insisted Jacob come with them. The only change in the scenery Edward wanted was the other man's blood bursting from his throat. Animals were delicious, after all.
Not that he'd ever take a bite out of him or any other pseudo-human. That was more trouble than he needed. He had enough issues trying to raise a daughter who was more impossibly beautiful and perfect than he and Bella put together. Renesmee had decided to try learning a new language every week and took delight in talking to people around the world on the internet to test her skills. Jacob usually spent these times sitting at her feet, painting her toenails (there were about half a dozen coats now and he was starting to paint polka dots and stripes for variety) while Edward contemplated having sex with Bella. She never liked to do it when Jacob was around, which was all the time now that the others were gone. Edward was becoming so desperate, he considered asking Jacob to watch so Bella could force herself to get more comfortable. Of course, she might be too comfortable with that which would only ignite the fighting again.
It was a no-win situation. The blood lust he felt when Jacob was around was the only feeling Edward would ever know between them. That was all that was possible, he was sure of it. He just got so worked up setting eyes on the hulking younger man, staring deep into those dark eyes was an exercise in supreme self-control. Even attempting civil conversation made Edward want to jump Jacob and wrestle him to the ground, finally proving which of them was the dominant male. Though his romantic nature was the initial draw between them, Edward felt Bella was pulled towards Jacob's animalistic dominance. She once confessed to Alice (who should never have thought over the information in Edward's presence) that she sometimes fantasized about being dominated. The only response Edward had for that was to compose a song that he felt would let him control her heart. She listened to it, tossed the disc onto the towering stack of CDs he'd composed that week and pronounced the song "lovely" before going to watch Jacob and Renesmee play outside.
It was then Edward knew he would always hate Jacob for being what he couldn't. If he hadn't been dying when Carlisle had turned him, he might have eventually had long legs and sinewy muscles all over too. He might have even lived long enough to grow lush body hair; he assumed that's what his daughter and wife found attractive. There wasn't much more to Jacob than being an overgrown plaything for Renesmee and a formerly lovesick archetype for Bella. Or so Edward had convinced himself over the years. He didn't know what he would do if there was more to it.
Jacob was still on his mind when Bella burst into the room, licking her lips. She smelled like a fresh kill.
"What are you doing?" she asked as she crossed the room.
"Just thinking." Edward reached for Bella as she got close to him. She frowned and instead planted herself on the window seat.
"You really should try again," Bella said.
"Try what?" He didn't have to ask. Edward knew without reading her mind. Bella was back to asking the impossible. His frown deepened. He turned to the window. Jacob was sunbathing outside. His jeans were so tight, Edward was surprised he hadn't split the seams yet. He needed yet another pair.
"You know very well what," she responded. "You and Jake can get along. You just have to put in the effort."
"Maybe if he stopped baring his teeth at me every time I look at you," Edward muttered.
"He does not," Bella said. "He hasn't done that in years, not over me anyway. He loves Renessme."
"As do we all," Edward responded. Though not in the twisted way Jacob does. "She is the only reason I'm allowing him to come with us." He turned to his wife. "Are you sure about Scotland?"
"It'll be fantastic," Bella said. "The weather will be perfect and, besides that, the only humans we'll see will be witches and wizards. They won't try to kill us. I think there's a forest around that school I told you about where we can hunt."
"And you don't think people will mind us being near the students?" Edward asked.
"They won't even know we're there," Bella said. "It's perfect."
Perfect would be turning their little shapeshifter problem into a wolf rug for the hearth, but Edward wasn't going to tell Bella that. She had her heart set on moving to Hogsmeade. For her sake, he was going to try to make it work.