A/N: So I've decided to go back and fix all my crappy mistakes. God, this story really isn't that good, is it? I'm sorry guys.
We all know that Sirius thought that Moony was the traitor, one of Voldemort's top spies, but has anyone ever wondered why?
Lets say that Remus has a secret, something he would take to his grave, rather than reveal to Sirius. The secret just isn't what Sirius thinks. But still, it's tearing the two friends apart.
Disclaimer: I don't own the HP series, obviously. I'm not that creative, or that capable of tearing my character's lives apart, no offense.
Just a Misunderstanding
'It's always easier to jump to conclusions rather than to go through the struggle of finding out the truth. That's why so much in life is based on lies and half truths.' – Anonymous
Times like these make it obvious that Moony is hiding something from me.
He's sitting there by himself, isolating himself from the group, blocking me and Prongs and Wormtail out.
It hurts, the way he wont meet my eye anymore, the way that he flinches away whenever I try to touch him. He wont come anywhere near me.
We've been discussing things about the war lately, and we're all aware that there is a spy amongst us.
With the way Remus is acting…
I think it's him.
It pains me to think of it, to think that one of my best friends is capable of such foul play, but what else can he be hiding?
Why is he acting so strangely?
He seems so bloody tired, so emotionally withdrawn. He's losing weight too, his already thin frame becoming mere skin and bones as the weeks pass by.
He's the spy.
There's no other explanation for all of this. He used to be so open with me, as carefree as Moony could be.
Now, he seems troubled, almost vacant in his feelings.
I haven't seen him smile in the longest time.
Oh, he's smiled, now and again. That soft turning of his lips that never quite reaches his eyes.
It's been forever since I've seen him smile in the way that only he has, the quirking of his lips that lights up his whole face, and takes my breath away.
I haven't seen him truly happy for the longest time.
That's how I know he's the spy.
What he's doing, it's tearing him apart with guilt. His actions are eating him up from the inside, and he's separating himself from us, from the group that loves him.
He's hiding from us, but he can't hide what he's become.
He's a traitor, lower than scum.
And yet, even as I tell myself all this, I can't stop loving him.
I've always loved him, cared for him so much more than I should, considering the fact that we are both blokes, and that we are friends.
I love him, because he's Moony, the fragile looking boy with the light brown hair and haunted eyes, who is so strong on the inside.
And I hate him, because he's turning all I've ever known, everything I've truly believed in, into a lie.
He's always been the best part of my life. He's so gentle and caring and kind, so sweet and quietly lonely, and yet so fierce and stubborn and strong.
Or, at least, he use to be.
Now he's merely lonely. He wont let any of us in. Not even Lily, though she has this knowing air about her, and fights with us fiercely every time we so much as hint that he may be the spy.
As if she can know him better than we do, Prongs and Wormtail and I, as if she can know him better than I do.
I know everything he's tried so hard to hide.
God, how can he do this to us? How can he just go and betray our trust this way? We've done so much for him, and he does this.
He's a bastard.
He disgusts me.
Or, it's more, that I wish he could.
It upsets me, knowing he could do this to us, to me. We've fought so hard for him, protected him, stood by him, and he can't do the same for us.
That's why I cry so often, when I'm alone in my own bed. It's not because the person I love has betrayed me, it's because one of the few I have trusted has turned himself into such filth. At least, that's what I tell myself.
He's a Death Eater.
How the mere name of it turns my heart to stone.
God, I love him so much. How can he do this to me?
I've tried talking to him, tried finding ways to understand, but every time I get close enough to him to begin a conversation, he runs, coming up with some excuse to leave me.
I miss him, I miss the person that he once was.
All that's there now is an empty shell, a puppet that Voldemort takes full advantage of.
It makes me sick.
It makes me sad.
God, I want so much to understand.
Why is he doing this?
Does he feel like he has no other choice? Does he feel trapped, afraid? Does he fear for his own life so much that he'd turn over to the enemy's side?
It doesn't sound like something Moony would do. Fierce, sweet, protective Moony. The boy that stood up for people even when he stood no chance of winning. The boy that always stood by us, wand posed, whenever we got a bit too far into a prank, and we were about to get hexed into the next dimension. He was always ready to defend us.
He was always there for us, always willing to fight for us. He was the Marauder that we all could turn to for help, no matter what it was.
Surely he couldn't have changed this much? Surely he couldn't have turned into a coward so quickly, so easily?
Perhaps it's a werewolf thing.
Perhaps I never knew Remus quite as well as I thought I did.
And that's what hurts more than anything, isn't it?
Not only is he betraying his friends, and the Order, the entire Wizardry world, but he's also betraying me….
He's showing me that he's not the man I'm so hopelessly in love with.
I watch him now, a sudden rage filling me as I watch him stand and murmur his farewells. My vision hazes and my muscles tighten, and I decide to follow him out.
Tonight, I want answers. Tonight, I want to know "Why?"
I stalk outside after him, my strides long and quick, anger evident in the way my feet seem to tear at the ground, and in the way my muscles are tight beneath my skin.
I've never been so angry.
I grab a hold of his arm just as he steps outside. He was just about to apparate to his place, so I'm vaguely shocked as I side along, tumbling to the floor as we appear in his flat moments later.
He looks at me, surprise evident on his face, before he looks down at the ground, both of us standing slowly.
"Why, hello there Padfoot, so eager to speak to me, are you, that you'd be willing to have yourself splinched by trying such a risky move as that?"
"I wasn't aware that you were fixing to apparate," I mutter, embarrassed.
Remus shrugs. "I was in a hurry mate. Sorry. So what is it you need. I have things to take care of."
"I'm sure you do," I snarl, shoving him into the wall, getting right into his face. "You fucking little slime ball. Have nothing better to do, huh?"
For a moment, I see a flash of something in his eyes. Regret, sadness, heart break, I can't tell what, but then it's gone again, replaced by a coldness that makes me shiver. He's never looked at me like that before, not even after the willow incident back in our sixth year at Hogwarts.
"You make me sick," I mutter, shoving him harder into the wall. I will not let him weaken me, not anymore.
I watch him shiver, struggling to get a grip of himself. He's falling apart right before my eyes.
He's trying to be strong, trying to hide behind that mask he's created for times such as these, when it seems like the worlds turning on him and he's all alone.
He did it to himself this time though.
I wont show him an ounce of pity.
Never again will I let my love for him cloud my judgment. I know what's right, and what's wrong, and what he's doing, what he's possibly done, is wrong. So wrong.
He's never been a monster before, eve with him being a werewolf. But he is now.
"Let go of me Padfoot," he growls.
"Don't call me that," I hiss back, shaking him fiercely. "Don't you dare ever call me that again. You've lost the right."
I don't know why I'm so shocked to see the tears well up in Remus' eyes. He's always been sensitive, so easily broken. I just didn't expect him to give in now.
"God, you really hate me, don't you? You truly despise me?"
"How can I not?"
"And to think I thought that maybe, just maybe, you'd understand."
"Understand," I nearly shout, anger quickly replacing the confusion I had felt moments before. "You thought I'd understand? Bloody hell Moony, what you're doing is disgusting, disgraceful. It's bloody awful, and you think I'd understand it, accept it? Think again mate. You make me sick."
Tears are streaming down his cheeks now, and he's shaking, sobs racking through his body.
"I tried Siri. I really tried. I tried to stop it, to ignore it. I really did. I can understand why you hate me, but I had no choice. I couldn't fight it anymore."
"Couldn't fight it?" Oh, if I was disgusted before, ashamed of who Moony had become, it is nothing compared to how I feel now. "You had no choice? You couldn't bloody fight it? You should have tried harder mate, should have been stronger."
"I'm sorry. I tried not to fall in love with you. I couldn't help it."
He tried not to….
Did I just hear him right? Did he say that he loves me? That he is in love with me?
Where did that come from? What did that have to do with anything?
My arms fall to my side instantly, hands shaking wildly. Suddenly, everything makes sense. The avoidance, the withdrawl. Everything was so fucking clear.
Moony isn't the traitor.
He is in love with me, and trying to be a good friend by hiding it, by keeping it locked inside of him.
Oh, I am such a bloody prat.
All this time, I had thought he was working for Voldemort, selling us out to the enemy, when the only thing he was doing was tearing himself apart.
He loves me.
And I told him I was disgusted by him, that he made me sick.
I had believed that he could do such awful things.
Remus wasn't the monster, he never was.
I was, I am.
"Please don't hurt me" he whispers pitifully, shrinking back into the wall.
"You love me," I say, clearly baffled.
"I'm sorry," he murmured. "I tried not to be."
"Don't be sorry," I whisper, voice breaking. "Never be sorry for that."
"But you said I disgusted you." He's still crying.
"It wasn't because of that. Not because you love me. Oh, Moony, I thought…" I stop myself from explaining further. I'm so ashamed. How could I tell him that I thought he was Voldemort's spy, that I hadn't trusted him?
I wish I didn't have to.
"You thought what," Remus asks, confusion showing through his tear drenched brown eyes. "If my love for you doesn't disgust you, what does? Pad… Sirius, you were ready to pumble me. Why?"
I look down at the ground. I can't tell him this while looking at him.
"I thought you were working for Voldemort. I thought you were the spy."
Remus is quiet for a moment, and I look up just in time to see the pain that flashes across his face, just before the mask is back in place.
"You… You thought I was a Death Eater, that I would just betray you all like that? My friends, my family, my entire world. You thought I would just give that all up, risk it all, turn it all over to some lunatic?"
"I… I'm sorry Moony."
"Moony, wait," I whisper, reaching towards him.
He shakes me off. "Get out Black. I can't stand the sight of you."
"Remus, please. Please understand. I'm sorry."
"I love you."
I never see the punch coming. Remus has never been the violent sort of bloke, not unless it's an emergency and there isn't really much of a choice (like me and James getting in a duel with a bunch of Slytherinns and Remus having to save our asses) but as soon as my declaration is out, I'm doubled over, wheezing for breath due to a hard punch to the gut.
And then he's shouting. "Don't tell me that you love me, you fucking bastard! If you loved me, you would have trusted me, not jumped to conclusions and thought so ill of me. You thought I was the bloody traitor? What the hell is wrong with you? I thought you knew me, and yet… you fucking, ill begotten bastard. Get out of my sight!"
Before I can say more, Moony's wand is raised, pointed directly between my eyes, and the look in his amber eyes clearly says not to fuck with him.
Oh, I have really messed things up.
"Get out Black, before I do something I regret."
I know I probably shouldn't listen, that I should try to work this out, try to make him understand and see reason, but I also know that if I stay, I'm likely to make things worse rather than better.
I sigh, and as I apparate away, I can feel the tears falling from my eyes.
I was a fucking bastard.
I'm sorry Remmy.
A/N: Well, the first chapter has been edited. I didn't really change anything. I just fixed any spelling and past/present tense mistakes. Off to the next chapter with me.