This was something I wrote one gloomy night, by no means my best work but theres a lot of emotion here. Please rewiew, I need help perfecting my writing style, please help me by sharing your throughts and opinions.
Narusasu. Anybody who cries easily be warned TT_TT
Your breath came down on me hard like an avalanche: crashing, rolling, maddening. It was enough to cause my knees to buckle under its weight, the ghostly force not lessening as it took the form of my name, strained against my skin. I ride with the sickeningly fantastic feeling, almost hallucinatory just from bring here, feeling you, it happens every time we do this. Sweet heaven and torturous hell all at the same time.
"S-Sasuke..." My skin burns the second your name leaves my lips, toned in liquid pleasure, which you drink up eagerly. I hate fuelling you. It only hurts more when it's over. When we're over. I can't help it, my strongest will, my biggest promise, could never stop me hissing sweet obscenities into your ears, your hair, your skin, when we share each other. When we share our pain in this saddening fascinating way.
Your body beings to shiver as you slowly lose your rational mind, as you've lost it before over and over and over until it became routine. I can feel the sweeping tide you're under, sweeping over me, trying to drag me under too, to where you are, so we can come crashing onto the shore together. God, I tried to resist, I try to resist you but it's hopeless, we're hopeless. The waves grab me, push me, pull me to the edges of reality, my voice is released from deep inside my chest, it runs up my throat, relieved to finally be free. It takes the form of gasps, louder moans, silky screams and feral grunts. My body moves with the waves, I'm drowning inside you, I can taste the salt in the water, in our sweat, tangy in the air around us, so thick we can't breathe inside it. I can feel the rough tide approaching the shore and the immense pressure begins to beat around me, your body beginning to convulse around me, your arms around me. I pull myself close against you and for the last few seconds we're one, we're together, ready to suffer, to scream and to crash hard against the shore together, never knowing what we'll discover on the coarse sand we land upon. Never knowing what feelings have been churned up and thrown up beside us.
The pressure hit me brutally, cruelly, and the waves ran through my spine. For those few seconds everything left me but my own voice, repeating the same thing as always, time and time again.
My eyes open again and the guilt hits me. Hard. I see you lying beneath me, eyes half cast, skin covered in a soft sheen and your hair splayed across the beaten pillows. Their soft fabric has seen my tears and heard my screams so many times but I love nothing more than to see your flushed face lying tired upon them. And it kills me.
You begin to move for a second and I remove myself from you, I know the drill. I sit on the bed as always, picking at the sheets awkwardly as you leave the bed and find your clothes, previously scattered along my floor. These few minutes are the worst, both of us have thoughts and words ready to slip off our tongues but we just don't have the strength to let them go. I wonder if it's why you never say it, you don't want to give into yourself. At the same time, you can't give into yourself. I guess we're both weak, though we'd never admit it. I smiled at the sheets at the thought of how stubborn we both are, but as I hear you sigh it leaves my lips and my body grows tense.
I am the most weak. I just can't stand the thought of you leaving me.
I was ready for the kiss you placed on my lips but not for the look that you bore into my pupils. I wonder if you realised you were looking at me like that. For a few seconds I saw the personality you keep a secret, even to me. I saw worry, fear, embarrassment and...something else, something I couldn't decipher but it looks so familiar. It feels so familiar to see that look reflected back at me that it stung my chest. It keeps happening. I keep seeing hints of that look, that person, the person you keep inside a tough shell, only cracked each time you allow me to penetrate your mind and body. It seems I'm breaking you. It scares me because I know, the moment I crack you...I'll lose you.
The look disappears, you pull away to grab your jacket and leave, I almost say the words that have been dying to leave my throat for several months but thankfully I'm distracted. I tasted salt in my mouth when I let my lips part and realised it was a tear, sad and lonely, leaving my eye, which blinks as you close the door and seal yourself off from me and our secret world.
"I love you." I whisper, the words I'd wanted to say, drifting into the air but stopped from reaching your ear by the door you just left through. Then comes the empty feeling as I sink into the sheets, naked and confused. I inhale the fabric and smell you and I'm disgusted with myself, the same questions come as always, the same thoughts, the same anger and pain, only at myself.
People assume I'm strong, they're wrong. I'm as weak as I can get, it's my feelings that are strong and they pull and tug at my self control, destroying it. It's why I keep letting this happen to us. Why I keep breaking you. If I was strong, I would stop myself from thinking about you, I would stop the impurities that run through my head when our eyes meet and the need that seeps through my blood when our lips do.
The sheets are met by my tears and they sting as they leave my eyes, each one caused because of myself. I won't wash these covers because they smell of you, they reek of us. It's comforting and yet it destroys me. I have been here so many times before, it always seems so surreal. I'm thinking of all the times this has happened, at first it was terrifying. Younger, clueless, sinking into each other for reasons we both didn't know until we were tired and sweaty, lying in a bed together. The thrill was new and fresh, it was forbidden and it tasted fantastic. It was a new kind of adventure, one we never intended to let go on for this long. It was every day, the playful looks, and the soft touches as we walked by each other in our normal day, both aware of our little secret. We would starve ourselves off and come crashing down with a ferocious hunger and we devoured each other. Sometimes I couldn't wait, I stumbled with you into that alleyway and we drowned together in its darkness. I feel sick thinking about it, thinking about how feral, how desperate I was. At the time it was our secret world, it was a bit of fun between friends. I let it go too far. I could have stopped us...I let you down.
I wasn't sure when the game became our life, when our feelings became known to us. We were no longer childish and desperate; this was much more adult, more serious. We both slipped into the new regime without even knowing, until it was too late. Soon it wasn't fun anymore, it was and it still is frightening. We cannot be around each other anymore. The playing has stopped, both of us are too ashamed to talk, to be together. The only time we connect is physically, under our sheets, in our own terrifying world which we built up and let crash down and be destroyed all around us. The need inside me has never lessened but the enjoyment has. It feels so good to be with you but it makes me sick.
You are breaking. You were once a new shiny doll that I would care for, play with, enjoy. Now you are overused, your skin is dulling and your eyes have lost their new shine. Underneath the peeling resin is the new you, the one you are too afraid to show, the one I am pushing closer to the surface every time I use you. When it is nearly showing, you will disappear.
The truth is I love you. I'm so selfish. We grew up together, we bonded together, neither one without the other. We went from enemies, to friends, to brothers, to sex...to this. I don't even know what we are now, I don't even know who you are now, who I am. I've destroyed everything we had. I wish I could be the annoying little brother again, the best friend, the one who would go down to the beach with you on Saturdays and catch fish. It was a safe world full of friends and certainty. I killed off that world when I began to lust for you, knowing I couldn't have you made me more desperate and how lucky I was to find you had developed the same feelings for me too. My feelings have developed deeper than I thought they would and I hate myself for it. I can never tell you and I can never stop feeling it.
I can only blame myself for the hurt it brings me. So many times I've destroyed my surroundings in a blind rage, hoping it would destroy this cycle too. It never does, all I'm left with are bleeding knuckles and broken trinkets. All I get when I sleep is nightmares and wet dreams, I wake up guilty - I'm using you even in my subconscious. I lie in the aftermath, twisting in sweat-soaked sheets and clammy skin and I stupidly let myself cry again. Just like I'm crying now.
The door is still closed and it stays closed unless I force myself to leave my apartment. The only ones who pass through it are me and you. Outside of this place I put on my mask, my happy face, I laugh with people and joke about you, say how were getting on fine. Lies. 'We get on like a house on fire!' I once told them. That was true. You're the house and I'm the fire, I'm slowly burning you away.
The weeping grows louder around me and echoes in my head, taunting me. I wish that I could stop crying and leave, if I could I'd leave this apartment, move far away and let you forget I ever existed. Maybe you'd make new friends, ones who didn't try and force feelings on you. I'd be in a new place, looking at couples in love with a family and wishing it were me and you. We could have had that life, if I'd only gone about this the right way.
But as usual I got it wrong. I do everything wrong. I'm fucked up and I've fucked you up with me. Every time I make you lose control it kills me. Every time you claw at my skin and clench around me, it kills me. All I ever hear is 'I'm sorry'. I wish I could say it to you. I'm sorry I love you.
The scariest thing about all of this is how dangerous it's got lately. Every time you pick up your clothes from my floor and kiss me goodbye, it could be the last. I know how close it's getting. It's too far to make a change but I could slow it down, make you stay a little longer but...maybe it's best if you did leave. You could go away and start again, broken, but at least I'm not there. You could maybe pick up the pieces and bring back that shiny doll, never to be played with again. The sad thing is, I'd probably die without you. Every time you move towards that door, I die a little bit more, because I know, that this could be the last time I ever see you. And you'd be gone, just gone like that, forever, I know you could do it, you're stronger than me You'd never get to hear me say 'I love you'. You'd never get to hear me apologise. You'd just...go.
I hope that wasn't the last time, Sasuke. I still need you. I still love you, please don't disappear...because I will too.
Please review, especially if you fave, tell me why you faved, even a couple of words helps. Also, I maye do one of these from Sasukes POV so if you're interested you might wana save thiis page or author alert.
Thank you for reading 3