"So, is he on break or is he never coming back?"

He sighed," I don't know."

"Well, thanks for telling me before he left!"

"I didn't want you to have even more stress—"

"Bullshit! Edward, that's bullshit! I'm part of this band too! I'm the one who gave up my life for you!"

"I'm sorry. I love you."

I hung up angrily on him and ran to my room.


Song used: 'Conspiracy' by Paramore (Anaheim version)

With tears streaming down my face, I shut my dorm room door behind me.

I slid my body beneath the door and tried my hardest to breath in and out.

I closed my eyes and hugged my knees close.

How could Edward not tell me?

Why'd he wait until now to say something?

Why did I want to stop Paul from leaving everything behind?

Maybe because he was first member to have joined Edward's band?

Yeah, he was creepy sometimes, but he was family to us.

Was it my troubles that made him leave?

And without saying goodbye to me.

Granted, I'm in treatment, but he knows my cell phone number!

He could have called Edward to call me to say he wasleaving!

Like, what the hell?

I hated Paul!

I hated him for doing this!

And poor Edward!

He'll have to search for a new guitarist. He could play well, but not as much as Paul did.

I could probably do it. Maybe. Take over as guitarist. Not lead, but step in some more when I got out of here.

I've been enhancing my guitar playing, a bit, and I think I could do it.

2 days later, I wrote a song about Paul's leaving.

[a/n: I know this a/n in the middle of a story is annoying, but when you listen to this song, go to Youtube and do the Anaheim version of 'Conspiracy.' Pay close attention to the guitar in this song. Truly inspiring! Josh Farro was the bomb in this song!]

Please speak softly, for they will hear us

And they'll find out why we don't trust them

Speak up dear, 'cause I cannot hear you

I need to know why we don't trust them

Explain to me this conspiracy against me

And tell me how I've lost my power

Where can I turn? 'Cause I need something more

Surrounded by uncertainty, I'm so unsure

Tell me why I feel so alone

'Cause I need to know to whom do I owe

Explain to me this conspiracy against me

And tell me how I've lost my power

I thought that we'd make it

Because you said that we'd make it through

And when all security fails

Will you be there to help me through?

Explain to me this conspiracy against me

And tell me how I've lost my power


I've lost my power.


Nov. 2010

I called Edward again in the beginning of November, and he apologized for not telling me about Paul. I just sighed and said I forgave him, and made him swear on his life not to do that again.

After the phone call, I looked myself in the mirror for the first time in four months. My hair was in disheveld curls, all frayed all around my head. I took a chunk of it in my hand from my shoulder and took a whif of it. Yuck! It smelled like stress and sweat and tears and frustration. Maybe it was time for a haircut. And not just a trim, a real cut. Up to my shoulders, instead of the middle of my back. I wanted my natural curls to stay, but the long hair gone. It was time for a change.


Bree and I drove to the nearest salon, with Bryce at the wheel. I saw a few paparazzi vans following us, but I tried to stay as calm as possible while in the car.

When we pulled in, Bryce and Bree covered for me while we walked to the salon.

The photographers didn't say much, just snapped pictures and stepped back to let us in. That's what I noticed about New Jersey paps; they weren't as harsh as in Seattle. That was a nice thought. I wasn't as terrified as I should have been. In fact, it made me stronger.


~An Hour Later~

"Wow, you look great, Bella," Bree smiled excitedly.

"Really?" I asked.

"Yeah, it's like a whole new you," Bryce said, and I smiled shyly. I looked down and noticed all of my long, curly locks on the salon floor.

"I want to donate my hair." I declared. "For all of the kids who can't have any."

"I think that's a great idea." Bryce wrapped an arm around my shoulders. It felt strange to have a bit of hair just barely touching them. I gently touched the back of my neck to feel hair behind there.

"You need to see this," Bree turned me around in my chair to the mirror.

I gasped when I saw myself. My hair was in a short 'do, almost cut like a boy's, but long enough for it to have a feminine touch. Some strands curled to my face, and I gently pushed those away. Amongst all the brown color were red highlights in some strands, which made the brown stand out more against the red. Long bangs covered my forehead; I could feel them touch my eyelashes when I looked up. I looked beautiful!

I smiled and hugged Bryce tightly. "Thank you for letting me do this."

"Oh, the pleasure's all mine, sweetheart." I could hear tears in her voice, which made me cry, too.


We got back to the treatment center later that day, and everyone commented on my new hair, which didn't help my blush and smile to no end.

Edward called me, furious that the paps were after me, but when I assured they didn't hurt me or say much to me, he calmed down.

"You could have been hurt," he sighed. "I got worried when I saw these pictures of you in a wool hat and sunglasses."

"Well, it is colder here than in Seattle, Edward." I smiled. "It might even snow."

"Ha ha, very funny that I care so much about your safety."

"Really, I'm fine. No one really said anything, they just took their pictures."

"I can't wait to see the full effect." Edward laughed.

I laughed, "I just can't wait to come home."

You guys ok?

Thoughts on Bella cutting her hair? There's a picture of it on my profile, all the way on the bottom.

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